What are the chances he will leave?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Abridged version. I've lived with him (undiagnosed BPD) for almost 15 yrs. Both names on Mortgage. He has been out of work for about 10 years. He was asked to lschool because of off color remark to a mentor and things spiraled from there (depression, learned helplessness). 2 years ago I told him to leave after his behavior escalated because of anabolic steroid use and I found out he was cheating on me with someone he met on line. He threatened suicide. All he really has is me. No relationship with family because he usisand and angry.

When this occurred 2 years ago I eventually caved in and gave it another try. It was the holidays and I felt sorry for himm.  He never moved out because he couldn't find a job after being out of work for 10 yrs. He tried another school but it was poorly organized (I had to agree) and he dropped out. He has been acting out more for the past few months and I suspected he's on steroids again. He admitted this about 2 weeks ago after a huge screaming, punitive mental beat down.

Because he was acting like he did 2 yrs ago, I suspected he was seeing someone again and it was confirmed when she sent him a gift to my home. He tried to hide card but iI found  it.

I Told him would  help him until it got finished with school or job. It's not rational but I just want him to go peacefully. I would gladly pack him up and send him to her but I'm sure she thinks that he works abd I really want him to go AND STAY GONE.

He says things like " when I leave... ." what are the chances that I can really unload him? School is 6 months.

I really want him to go away.

[Fleur2013]

Abridged version. I've lived with him (undiagnosed BPD) for almost 15 yrs. Both names on Mortgage. He has been out of work for about 10 years. He was asked to lschool because of off color remark to a mentor and things spiraled from there (depression, learned helplessness). 2 years ago I told him to leave after his behavior escalated because of anabolic steroid use and I found out he was cheating on me with someone he met on line. He threatened suicide. All he really has is me. No relationship with family because he usisand and angry.

When this occurred 2 years ago I eventually caved in and gave it another try. It was the holidays and I felt sorry for himm.  He never moved out because he couldn't find a job after being out of work for 10 yrs. He tried another school but it was poorly organized (I had to agree) and he dropped out. He has been acting out more for the past few months and I suspected he's on steroids again. He admitted this about 2 weeks ago after a huge screaming, punitive mental beat down.

Because he was acting like he did 2 yrs ago, I suspected he was seeing someone again and it was confirmed when she sent him a gift to my home. He tried to hide card but iI found  it.

I Told him would  help him until it got finished with school or job. It's not rational but I just want him to go peacefully. I would gladly pack him up and send him to her but I'm sure she thinks that he works abd I really want him to go AND STAY GONE.

He says things like " when I leave... ." what are the chances that I can really unload him? School is 6 months.

I really want him to go away.

[Fleur2013]

Btw, I should add that he is out with her almost every night and many days. She is a teacher.

[once removed]

hey fleur2013 

first of all, im sorry youve been through this. substance abuse generally doesnt help pwBPD, or anyone (can exacerbate symptoms), and steroid use can result in some frightening behavior.

even wanting him gone, i imagine this is not at all easy for you  . cheating is a betrayal and a major shock to the system.

i dont think its irrational that youre helping him until he can leave. its difficult to say how much it helps or hurts the situation. theres a fine line between following a plan and enabling. you may find this recommended book very useful in your situation:

https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/stop-caretaking-borderline-or-narcissist

hope this helps.

[Fleur2013]

Thank you Once Removed. It is indeed not easy. He is now gaslighting. "it's not what you think it is"  and "you don't understand so I'm not going to explain". I'm trying my best to avoid discussions because he is so good at distortion. It's sad and embarrassing.

[sas1729]

Hey Fleur,

I'm very sorry to read this and learn how you are living. I don't have nearly the same experience as you do, but I can offer what little I know to help give a different perspective. Mine was an entirely different situation. I think I was an enabler in many ways, but my ex's BPD (undiagnosed) kept things going. My therapist diagnosed her based on my stories of events, so it was from a distance.

It was only 2.5 years, but the last year especially was ultimately intolerable. Halfway through it, my ex started to write her thesis. It was a lot of work and stress, for anyone nonBPD or BPD. So you can imagine that a pwBPD could have his/her traits exacerbated by the additional stress. I supported her throughout this thesis writing. A lot of it was simple chores. I did the cooking and grocery shopping. Chores like that - nothing major but definitely I put time into it. The main way I supported her was through being emotionally available. It was a drain on me and my own work suffered.

Throughout this whole venture we would say to each other that "once she defends her thesis" things will be better. Somehow we both believed that magically things would improve and life would be wonderful. I believed this, and I was anxious about the defense date as she was. So the defense date came around and she passed. It was a Monday. That night we got into a fight. After all of the stuff leading up to the defense, I was exhausted. So was she obviously, but I felt pretty tired too. I wanted to go out with her to celebrate ourselves privately on Tuesday since her family and friends were over for the defense on Monday. Suddenly she wanted to see her cousin who was home in the same city. My ex infrequently wanted to spend time with this cousin, so in a moment of disappointment I became hurt. After everything why not spend time alone together in the so-hoped for "after the defense"?

She ended up sending me away and did not see me for the rest of the week. That weekend we tried to get together to find "us" again. Of course it could not be magically better. Things kept sliding downhill. She kept saying things like "we can fix this" or whatever.

Then she started to apply for jobs. Now I get that all of this is stressful, but I had hoped that this would be less so than the thesis. And I had hoped that somehow she would stop taking things out on me. But sure as clockwork, after a fight we would get back together and try again. The stress and the fighting lasted and escalated until the last week of our relationship. And at the point of departure, she still did not want me to go.

My point Fleur is that I felt that all the effort I put in to being supportive did not have an impact on her. And all of the "attempts" for us to get together peacefully failed. And still she did not want me to leave. I think you have to look at the data. You know your past experience with your pwBPD. Has anything ever played out as intended?

[Fleur2013]

Thanks SAS. It's true. I say "when he gets a job"  "when he finishes school"  it would be tolerable if it was a finite time line but I haven't set one and he doesn't adhere. That's why hope that the new girlfriend will put enough pressure on him that he wants to leave. I know he won't go unless he has a new/overlapping care taker.

[sas1729]

Fleur,

I have a thought. I don't know your exact situation. You mentioned that you are both on the mortgage. I do not know what that entails legally other than the obligation to pay. Have you thought about you leaving instead of him? The mortgage would have to be sorted out I know.

I suggest this because from the very limited experience that I had, my ex kept saying things that "we can fix this" but nothing ever was fixed. In the end I had to be the one to leave. At the time it felt very real that I could push her to break up with me, but I'm not even sure if that would have happened. As it was, we had some joint stuff that I had to end. Once I did and had nothing in common except memories, I felt free.

I also suggest this because suppose he does leave. He knows where you live and can always come back. Also, you would be surrounded by memories of the shared home. These are all just thoughts.

[cloudten]

Fleur,

I have a thought. I don't know your exact situation. You mentioned that you are both on the mortgage. I do not know what that entails legally other than the obligation to pay. Have you thought about you leaving instead of him? The mortgage would have to be sorted out I know.

I suggest this because from the very limited experience that I had, my ex kept saying things that "we can fix this" but nothing ever was fixed. In the end I had to be the one to leave. At the time it felt very real that I could push her to break up with me, but I'm not even sure if that would have happened. As it was, we had some joint stuff that I had to end. Once I did and had nothing in common except memories, I felt free.

I also suggest this because suppose he does leave. He knows where you live and can always come back. Also, you would be surrounded by memories of the shared home. These are all just thoughts.

Honestly, you are the only one capable of breaking the cycle. In my experience, you will probably have to be the one to leave. Let your lawyers fight out the house. But if you want off the yoyo- you have to cut the string.

[Fleur2013]

It's becoming clearer today that as much as I want to stay in the house II think iI will eventually have to leave. Is like to be able to tolerate him until he finishes school but even if he gets accepted it won't be completed until January and I don't know how long I can take this merry-go-round. But I have so much  guilt.  He threatened suicide again today and  then called me a cold hearted b*tch for walking away and not trying to comfort him. Then I think "what if I truly am?"  what if he's not Bpd and Im just awful.   

But I ordered the "stop caretaking"  book today AND asked my attorney  friend for a referral to a real estate attorney and a life coach.

[cloudten]

Your husband threatening suicide is actually psychological abuse. I do not think you are a cold hearted b*tch for walking away. You turned the other cheek to psychological abuse... .and you saw it for what it was. It is not your monkey and not your circus. Its his circus. Of course you don't want him to hurt himself, however if he really wants to do it, you can't stop him anyway. It was simply to provoke a reaction from you... .and it didn't work.

It sounds like you have been proactive. It helps to have a support system set up ahead of time.

I like your analogy of a merry-go-round... .because that most closely resembles what is actually happening... .  up and down, while going around and around on the same exact cycle. You have to be Mary Poppins and free the horses from the merry-go-round. I'd rather call it a not-so-merry-go-round. You are the only one who can free yourself from the not-so-merry-go-round.

Hugs!