Finally - clarity

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi!  

I apologize if this will be a bit all over the place, it is more of a note to myself, but I will try to be as clear and concise as possible since it might help others. Also, it will maybe be difficult for me to write, since it will be extremely personal, but this needs to be done.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. An unexpected clarity, coming from within, almost out of nowhere.

Last year I spent MONTHS driving myself crazy, dissecting every single interaction I had with my ex, gathering all information on her past, obsessing over details. Trying to find clarity, an explanation.

When, in fact, it was always there. Even before I met her. It was within myself, but I kept searching outside, I was trying to understand her... .when in fact I had to look inside of me.

But it seems I needed her so that this could happen.

Last year, at the apex of me going crazy over having been discarded like yesterdays trash, my family organized a couple of meetings with a psychiatrist. At the time I felt like it wouldn't help, it almost made me mad how she made this about me and seemingly didn't show interest in all the things I wanted to ask and tell her about my ex. But I think she planted a seed and the last couple of days I had an epiphany. All the pieces of the puzzle finally fell into place.

She asked me about my parents and the dynamic of their relationship. I didn't see her often so we didn't get to explore in-depth, but I told her that my mother could really be very complicated and had an alcohol problem. She often berates my father and he just takes it silently. What made me mad and hurt a lot as a teenager was that my father never stood up for me and my sister, even if my mother was obviously in the wrong and attacking me and my sister relentlessly.

She told me that I probably learned how to act in a relationship from my father, thus my weak boundaries.

A couple of things that popped up in my memory lately, out of nowhere, but as if my subconscious was processing things and presenting my consciousness the key parts. Like it was trying to talk to me in a sign language. I will just list a couple of memories that I can remember on top of my head - and the new understanding I have of them.

• After an argument with my mother, some years ago, I asked my dad why on earth he never stood up for me. He answered something to the effect of: "Your mother and I have a past, way before you were born. There are many things you don't understand. She is a very hurt person. You are not there when she spends nights crying in the dark and I am comforting her." At the time it didn't make sense to me. But now I fully understand him, I have now been there too. I am not saying it was right to not stand up for us, but I understand him now.



• Also, some years ago, after an argument with my mother. My mother was laying on her bed crying. She wasn't the mean woman that spits vitriol anymore. She was weak. She told me: "You will all abandon me. First your father and then you!" It confused me. I told her that this would never happen. She just cried silently and didn't talk anymore. I know understand where this was coming from.



• I was around 15 or 16 when my father had an affair at work. The woman, after my dad obviously tried to cut it off, sent my mother a letter. I remember that the letter said something about him whining about his wife but not having the balls to leave her and do the right thing. At the time I was very mad at my father, but I can now make sense of what the letter addressed. I now can feel both sides. I can understand how my father became weak, was looking for support and validation outside. And I can also see how it must have deeply hurt my mother.



• My mother was always switching between being extremely loving, supportive and downright vile. I remember her, during arguments with my father, always bringing up and criticizing his family. This, and the sometimes almost delusional reasons she was starting fights over, was very confusing. I now understand where this came from.



• I remember, when I was really young, my mother "triangulated" a lot. It was like she tried to make me feel like her and I had "secrets" that we had to keep from my father, or else he would become mad. Like her buying me a toy and he should not know about it or he would be mad that she's spending too much money.



• Although my family is or was well off, I know that there where times of financial straits when my father was building a house. For many, many years I felt guilty for it. I remember spending evenings crying alone and being scared of us becoming homeless. A fear instilled very subtly by my mother. I don't think a child should ever feel that way.



• In retrospect, guilt was an emotion I often felt as a child. I think it is one of the reasons I often feel insecure nowadays.



• My parents had friends. But the common theme was them disappearing. My father has been practically isolated the last couple of years. This too makes sense now. It was my mother.



• Also, there was always conflict with neighbors. A common theme in my childhood.

There is so much more. Before I had this epiphany about all these things I over the last couple of years more and more saw my father in my own behaviors and decisions. Things that didn't feel like "myself", that I didn't want to be. I know understand that this goes much deeper... .and I accept it. My father is a great man, but I will work on the aspects that landed him in this situation.

Now, one of the most painful things for me to admit. I am 30 years old. I am intelligent. Good looking. Talented. I have a lot going for me. But I messed up school (I quit for no apparent reason just before finishing). I was always lacking "direction". I started a lot of things and was very successful with everything I did. I broke world records. I was good at so many things, but I never followed through, pushed further when I was on the brink of making a career out of it.

My ex basically gave me the coup de grace. She made me stumble when I least needed it, professionally.

But I feel better about myself, have more clarity than ever before. I will do my best to put my talents to good use, even if it is hard competing with much younger folks. It sometimes gives me anxiety, seeing all my friends having great jobs, degrees etc. Things I could have done, but never did. I always got by with my talents, but lately I am hitting a wall.

One of the most important things is: I often felt "weird" in certain situations in my life. Insecure, unworthy. I never knew what that feeling was, all I knew was that it is uncomfortable and hindering me. Lately I realized what it is... .or more precisely "WHO". It is me, as a child. It's a weird feeling, it's like in certain situation I am being catapulted back to being a child, but I am an adult at the same time. It's like the child is making itself felt. Lately, I have come to feel bad for "him". I wish there was a way to talk to him. I thought about hypnosis, I wonder if that is an option.

[thatwasthat]

Hi!  

I apologize if this will be a bit all over the place, it is more of a note to myself, but I will try to be as clear and concise as possible since it might help others. Also, it will maybe be difficult for me to write, since it will be extremely personal, but this needs to be done.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. An unexpected clarity, coming from within, almost out of nowhere.

Last year I spent MONTHS driving myself crazy, dissecting every single interaction I had with my ex, gathering all information on her past, obsessing over details. Trying to find clarity, an explanation.

When, in fact, it was always there. Even before I met her. It was within myself, but I kept searching outside, I was trying to understand her... .when in fact I had to look inside of me.

But it seems I needed her so that this could happen.

Last year, at the apex of me going crazy over having been discarded like yesterdays trash, my family organized a couple of meetings with a psychiatrist. At the time I felt like it wouldn't help, it almost made me mad how she made this about me and seemingly didn't show interest in all the things I wanted to ask and tell her about my ex. But I think she planted a seed and the last couple of days I had an epiphany. All the pieces of the puzzle finally fell into place.

She asked me about my parents and the dynamic of their relationship. I didn't see her often so we didn't get to explore in-depth, but I told her that my mother could really be very complicated and had an alcohol problem. She often berates my father and he just takes it silently. What made me mad and hurt a lot as a teenager was that my father never stood up for me and my sister, even if my mother was obviously in the wrong and attacking me and my sister relentlessly.

She told me that I probably learned how to act in a relationship from my father, thus my weak boundaries.

A couple of things that popped up in my memory lately, out of nowhere, but as if my subconscious was processing things and presenting my consciousness the key parts. Like it was trying to talk to me in a sign language. I will just list a couple of memories that I can remember on top of my head - and the new understanding I have of them.

• After an argument with my mother, some years ago, I asked my dad why on earth he never stood up for me. He answered something to the effect of: "Your mother and I have a past, way before you were born. There are many things you don't understand. She is a very hurt person. You are not there when she spends nights crying in the dark and I am comforting her." At the time it didn't make sense to me. But now I fully understand him, I have now been there too. I am not saying it was right to not stand up for us, but I understand him now.



• Also, some years ago, after an argument with my mother. My mother was laying on her bed crying. She wasn't the mean woman that spits vitriol anymore. She was weak. She told me: "You will all abandon me. First your father and then you!" It confused me. I told her that this would never happen. She just cried silently and didn't talk anymore. I know understand where this was coming from.



• I was around 15 or 16 when my father had an affair at work. The woman, after my dad obviously tried to cut it off, sent my mother a letter. I remember that the letter said something about him whining about his wife but not having the balls to leave her and do the right thing. At the time I was very mad at my father, but I can now make sense of what the letter addressed. I now can feel both sides. I can understand how my father became weak, was looking for support and validation outside. And I can also see how it must have deeply hurt my mother.



• My mother was always switching between being extremely loving, supportive and downright vile. I remember her, during arguments with my father, always bringing up and criticizing his family. This, and the sometimes almost delusional reasons she was starting fights over, was very confusing. I now understand where this came from.



• I remember, when I was really young, my mother "triangulated" a lot. It was like she tried to make me feel like her and I had "secrets" that we had to keep from my father, or else he would become mad. Like her buying me a toy and he should not know about it or he would be mad that she's spending too much money.



• Although my family is or was well off, I know that there where times of financial straits when my father was building a house. For many, many years I felt guilty for it. I remember spending evenings crying alone and being scared of us becoming homeless. A fear instilled very subtly by my mother. I don't think a child should ever feel that way.



• In retrospect, guilt was an emotion I often felt as a child. I think it is one of the reasons I often feel insecure nowadays.



• My parents had friends. But the common theme was them disappearing. My father has been practically isolated the last couple of years. This too makes sense now. It was my mother.



• Also, there was always conflict with neighbors. A common theme in my childhood.

There is so much more. Before I had this epiphany about all these things I over the last couple of years more and more saw my father in my own behaviors and decisions. Things that didn't feel like "myself", that I didn't want to be. I know understand that this goes much deeper... .and I accept it. My father is a great man, but I will work on the aspects that landed him in this situation.

Now, one of the most painful things for me to admit. I am 30 years old. I am intelligent. Good looking. Talented. I have a lot going for me. But I messed up school (I quit for no apparent reason just before finishing). I was always lacking "direction". I started a lot of things and was very successful with everything I did. I broke world records. I was good at so many things, but I never followed through, pushed further when I was on the brink of making a career out of it.

My ex basically gave me the coup de grace. She made me stumble when I least needed it, professionally.

But I feel better about myself, have more clarity than ever before. I will do my best to put my talents to good use, even if it is hard competing with much younger folks. It sometimes gives me anxiety, seeing all my friends having great jobs, degrees etc. Things I could have done, but never did. I always got by with my talents, but lately I am hitting a wall.

One of the most important things is: I often felt "weird" in certain situations in my life. Insecure, unworthy. I never knew what that feeling was, all I knew was that it is uncomfortable and hindering me. Lately I realized what it is... .or more precisely "WHO". It is me, as a child. It's a weird feeling, it's like in certain situation I am being catapulted back to being a child, but I am an adult at the same time. It's like the child is making itself felt. Lately, I have come to feel bad for "him". I wish there was a way to talk to him. I thought about hypnosis, I wonder if that is an option.

[once removed]

hey thatwasthat 

"Last year I spent MONTHS driving myself crazy, dissecting every single interaction I had with my ex, gathering all information on her past, obsessing over details. Trying to find clarity, an explanation.

When, in fact, it was always there. Even before I met her. It was within myself, but I kept searching outside, I was trying to understand her... .when in fact I had to look inside of me."

that is tremendous progress  . it is not easy to see, let alone to face. i agree with you in feeling like it took my relationship to be able to do this. it can be incredibly freeing, but we must be gentle with ourselves in the process.

im really sorry about what you went through in your childhood and as a teenager. you may realize, having posted here, that you are not alone in identifying issues left over from childhood playing a role in future relationships. people in general love their parents, we are hard wired to, and theres nothing wrong with that; it can be extremely difficult, and takes a lot of bravado to identify their imperfections and where we learned from them, but thats a sign of tremendous growth.

its clearly not just identifying your own issues that is progress, but understanding, and learning to accept others as they are, even understanding that we dont always understand. you sound like youve really tempered your anger with that knowledge, and thats huge.

i can also relate to not necessarily living up to our potential. its only recently that ive discovered that in some important areas in my life, i have low self efficacy. might you?

this is all a very powerful expression of self awareness and acceptance thatwasthat, im proud of you for finding it.

[disorderedsociety]

hey thatwasthat  

"Last year I spent MONTHS driving myself crazy, dissecting every single interaction I had with my ex, gathering all information on her past, obsessing over details. Trying to find clarity, an explanation.

When, in fact, it was always there. Even before I met her. It was within myself, but I kept searching outside, I was trying to understand her... .when in fact I had to look inside of me."

that is tremendous progress  . it is not easy to see, let alone to face. i agree with you in feeling like it took my relationship to be able to do this. it can be incredibly freeing, but we must be gentle with ourselves in the process.

Granted that our own painful experiences are reflected in the partner suffering with BPD, doesn't that mean that their future partners will experience the same thing until the BPD person seeks help and becomes a whole person?

[thatwasthat]

hey thatwasthat  

"Last year I spent MONTHS driving myself crazy, dissecting every single interaction I had with my ex, gathering all information on her past, obsessing over details. Trying to find clarity, an explanation.

When, in fact, it was always there. Even before I met her. It was within myself, but I kept searching outside, I was trying to understand her... .when in fact I had to look inside of me."

that is tremendous progress  . it is not easy to see, let alone to face. i agree with you in feeling like it took my relationship to be able to do this. it can be incredibly freeing, but we must be gentle with ourselves in the process.

Granted that our own painful experiences are reflected in the partner suffering with BPD, doesn't that mean that their future partners will experience the same thing until the BPD person seeks help and becomes a whole person?

Generally speaking I think it is pretty much certain that they will have the same experience we had.

Relationships are very complex and I think there's a plethora of factors and dynamics that play into what exactly happens, but something will happen. What exactly that is and when it will happen goes into all this ruminating that I don't want to do anymore, but I am certain that my ex will not make a 180 degree turn out of nowhere.

Look. My "epiphany" was/is a pretty tough thing to face and it also requires a lot of things she seems to have much more difficulties doing than me to begin with.

[once removed]

depends on what you mean by "the same thing". they will experience BPD. certainly theyll experience similar things and dynamics. we all have learned behavior. from what i gather, different dynamics were at play with all of my ex's exes. which stands to reason, if a person isnt whole and mirrors their partner as a means of attachment, there are going to be different dynamics. action, reaction, our part, theirs, it all makes a difference in how the relationship plays out.

its true of everyone frankly. if we dont learn from our mistakes, we are doomed to repeat them. i did, and i do not have BPD. but it is true that BPD does not evaporate based on our actions or reactions.

just one example. some of us are leavers, some of us were left. it varied with my ex, whether she was left or did the leaving. those that have left, and those that have been left, experience unique pain. plenty of overlap, plenty of difference. our relationships consisted of two unique personality types. that plays out in a multitude ways, and makes each of our relationships unique.

[anxiety5]

Hi!  

I apologize if this will be a bit all over the place, it is more of a note to myself, but I will try to be as clear and concise as possible since it might help others. Also, it will maybe be difficult for me to write, since it will be extremely personal, but this needs to be done.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. An unexpected clarity, coming from within, almost out of nowhere.

Last year I spent MONTHS driving myself crazy, dissecting every single interaction I had with my ex, gathering all information on her past, obsessing over details. Trying to find clarity, an explanation.

When, in fact, it was always there. Even before I met her. It was within myself, but I kept searching outside, I was trying to understand her... .when in fact I had to look inside of me.

But it seems I needed her so that this could happen.

Last year, at the apex of me going crazy over having been discarded like yesterdays trash, my family organized a couple of meetings with a psychiatrist. At the time I felt like it wouldn't help, it almost made me mad how she made this about me and seemingly didn't show interest in all the things I wanted to ask and tell her about my ex. But I think she planted a seed and the last couple of days I had an epiphany. All the pieces of the puzzle finally fell into place.

She asked me about my parents and the dynamic of their relationship. I didn't see her often so we didn't get to explore in-depth, but I told her that my mother could really be very complicated and had an alcohol problem. She often berates my father and he just takes it silently. What made me mad and hurt a lot as a teenager was that my father never stood up for me and my sister, even if my mother was obviously in the wrong and attacking me and my sister relentlessly.

She told me that I probably learned how to act in a relationship from my father, thus my weak boundaries.

A couple of things that popped up in my memory lately, out of nowhere, but as if my subconscious was processing things and presenting my consciousness the key parts. Like it was trying to talk to me in a sign language. I will just list a couple of memories that I can remember on top of my head - and the new understanding I have of them.

• After an argument with my mother, some years ago, I asked my dad why on earth he never stood up for me. He answered something to the effect of: "Your mother and I have a past, way before you were born. There are many things you don't understand. She is a very hurt person. You are not there when she spends nights crying in the dark and I am comforting her." At the time it didn't make sense to me. But now I fully understand him, I have now been there too. I am not saying it was right to not stand up for us, but I understand him now.



• Also, some years ago, after an argument with my mother. My mother was laying on her bed crying. She wasn't the mean woman that spits vitriol anymore. She was weak. She told me: "You will all abandon me. First your father and then you!" It confused me. I told her that this would never happen. She just cried silently and didn't talk anymore. I know understand where this was coming from.



• I was around 15 or 16 when my father had an affair at work. The woman, after my dad obviously tried to cut it off, sent my mother a letter. I remember that the letter said something about him whining about his wife but not having the balls to leave her and do the right thing. At the time I was very mad at my father, but I can now make sense of what the letter addressed. I now can feel both sides. I can understand how my father became weak, was looking for support and validation outside. And I can also see how it must have deeply hurt my mother.



• My mother was always switching between being extremely loving, supportive and downright vile. I remember her, during arguments with my father, always bringing up and criticizing his family. This, and the sometimes almost delusional reasons she was starting fights over, was very confusing. I now understand where this came from.



• I remember, when I was really young, my mother "triangulated" a lot. It was like she tried to make me feel like her and I had "secrets" that we had to keep from my father, or else he would become mad. Like her buying me a toy and he should not know about it or he would be mad that she's spending too much money.



• Although my family is or was well off, I know that there where times of financial straits when my father was building a house. For many, many years I felt guilty for it. I remember spending evenings crying alone and being scared of us becoming homeless. A fear instilled very subtly by my mother. I don't think a child should ever feel that way.



• In retrospect, guilt was an emotion I often felt as a child. I think it is one of the reasons I often feel insecure nowadays.



• My parents had friends. But the common theme was them disappearing. My father has been practically isolated the last couple of years. This too makes sense now. It was my mother.



• Also, there was always conflict with neighbors. A common theme in my childhood.

There is so much more. Before I had this epiphany about all these things I over the last couple of years more and more saw my father in my own behaviors and decisions. Things that didn't feel like "myself", that I didn't want to be. I know understand that this goes much deeper... .and I accept it. My father is a great man, but I will work on the aspects that landed him in this situation.

Now, one of the most painful things for me to admit. I am 30 years old. I am intelligent. Good looking. Talented. I have a lot going for me. But I messed up school (I quit for no apparent reason just before finishing). I was always lacking "direction". I started a lot of things and was very successful with everything I did. I broke world records. I was good at so many things, but I never followed through, pushed further when I was on the brink of making a career out of it.

My ex basically gave me the coup de grace. She made me stumble when I least needed it, professionally.

But I feel better about myself, have more clarity than ever before. I will do my best to put my talents to good use, even if it is hard competing with much younger folks. It sometimes gives me anxiety, seeing all my friends having great jobs, degrees etc. Things I could have done, but never did. I always got by with my talents, but lately I am hitting a wall.

One of the most important things is: I often felt "weird" in certain situations in my life. Insecure, unworthy. I never knew what that feeling was, all I knew was that it is uncomfortable and hindering me. Lately I realized what it is... .or more precisely "WHO". It is me, as a child. It's a weird feeling, it's like in certain situation I am being catapulted back to being a child, but I am an adult at the same time. It's like the child is making itself felt. Lately, I have come to feel bad for "him". I wish there was a way to talk to him. I thought about hypnosis, I wonder if that is an option.

Good post. Keep going. Write all this down here and in your own journal or computer. It's amazing sometimes when that flow starts going how you can have an Einstein type of breakthrough and what tragedy it is if you don't have it saved somewhere to access. This is a rare time for us post break up. Much like you read that the gift of the borderline is our ability to become what we were meant to be, it's like a hurricane sweeping over a coast and uncovering ancient ruins that nobody would have ever known existed. Eventually the sands will reclaim and bury them again so it's imperative that we access them in this rare window of time when we've been stripped bare. It sounds like you are doing that and good for you.

There IS a way to talk to "him" I went to counseling for the first time in my life post break up. I went NC first and spent the next 10 weeks one day a week uncovering the layers of my experience to process it all. One helpful thing I learned in this is when you relive the moments of chaos, you have to almost transport mentally back to when they happened during various times of the relationship. Instead of focusing on her behaviors that upset us, she taught me to describe exactly how I FEEL in that moment. Then you go back, when is a time you felt that same pain, or loneliness, or anger, or fear prior to that moment? We worked our way back to a time when I was 11 or so, transferred schools to a new state. I was stuck in a pre-teen pre-growth spurt and was a chubby/fat kid.  In my new school I was excited to make new friends, I had always had friends. But it was different here at this new school. The first group of kids I met tormented me about my weight. It turned into almost all the kids making fun of me about it. I remembered so much I had forgotten. I was so  ashamed to tell my parents so I didn't. At night I would take showers and cry. I did that so nobody would hear me. I kept it all in. To make matters even worse, being called fat and ugly was the first go to for siblings during arguments so not only are these kids at school telling me I'm worthless, so is my own brother. I believed it. I felt it. I was worthless. I couldn't fight them all. There were dozens of them. And I was completely cut off after moving from the friends I had always known. My support structure. So I went about trying to win them over. I remember being nice in spite of their provocations. Sometimes this worked, sometimes not. I did make a couple friends but that 1.5 years impacted me greatly. I remember the feeling of despair and anxiety on Sunday nights. I quit playing sports, I just sort of curled into myself. We ended up moving back to the place we had moved from 2 years after arriving there. I picked right back up with my old group of friends, by then had lost the baby weight and grown about a foot and had a girlfriend for the first time in 9th grade a few months after moving back home. I had a great high school and college experience. Awesome time but what I realize now is that I never learned to cope. It was the grace of god we moved away from there, that's all that saved me. So I never really worked that situation out for myself. In adulthood I never thought about any of this stuff. And I'm not mad at those kids. They were kids, being kids. One or two jerks and everyone else just tagging along with them. But I can so clearly see how this affected me deeper than I ever realized. It conditioned me to be isolated, to be belittled, to have the capacity to absorb total annihilation and abuse from every angle. Even the way I did not tell my parents then, I did not tell them how bad things really were in my relationship. It was incredibly surreal to be so skeptical of psychotherapy and then have this situation happen and become someone who really benefited from this breakthrough by "following my fear" back to childhood.

Long story short, I'm a person that has always been comfortable giving. I'm a person who is very empathetic from those days and I can read distress, humiliation, or despair on someones face without having them say a word. So over the years I had become the person my friends would turn to for advice and I would happily help them.

My counselor identified all these areas when I was a kid mentioned above and she said something very profound yet simple "You are very good at giving advice. Encouraging others, and helping them through tough times. This is your way of trying to resolve the coping you never got to do as a child when you suffered through this for almost 2 years in silence and alone." Wow.  

We did a few exercises where she told me to picture myself at that age. I just got home from school, I'm out back of my house just sort of hanging out wishing for a friend. And up walks me in present day. She said, what would you say to this little kid. This version of you at age 11.

I'm a guy. I'm a typical guy in a lot of ways, yet when she said this to me I had tears coming out of my eyes. And on I went for about 30 minutes. I could picture those weary eyes I must have had looking up at me as an adult and I said things to this little kid (basically my inner wounded self) About how all those kids have are opinions, and opinions aren't facts. You are a good person and I promise you one day you are going to have a great life. Don't let their words affect your self worth. On I went for about 30 minutes and I could feel this weight lifting from my chest as I spoke.  The last thing I said to this little version of me from so long ago was that I need you. I need you to be part of me and to let go of all this pain. And in my mind I watches as he looked up at me and smiled.

My point in this long post is, YOU can talk to this version of you. Go back to that day in your mind. And really concentrate on your surroundings. Allow those same pains to be felt within you that you felt in that moment. And then have yourself today walk into that room and talk to that little kid, earn his trust, and help him let go.

If you told me any of this a couple years ago I would have told you it's the most insane thing Ive ever heard. But it's no wonder I would have told you that, it was my ego speaking, trying to deflect and protect myself from pain that was so lost and deep inside me, I no longer remembered where it came from.

[thatwasthat]

hey thatwasthat 

"Last year I spent MONTHS driving myself crazy, dissecting every single interaction I had with my ex, gathering all information on her past, obsessing over details. Trying to find clarity, an explanation.

When, in fact, it was always there. Even before I met her. It was within myself, but I kept searching outside, I was trying to understand her... .when in fact I had to look inside of me."

that is tremendous progress  . it is not easy to see, let alone to face. i agree with you in feeling like it took my relationship to be able to do this. it can be incredibly freeing, but we must be gentle with ourselves in the process.

im really sorry about what you went through in your childhood and as a teenager. you may realize, having posted here, that you are not alone in identifying issues left over from childhood playing a role in future relationships. people in general love their parents, we are hard wired to, and theres nothing wrong with that; it can be extremely difficult, and takes a lot of bravado to identify their imperfections and where we learned from them, but thats a sign of tremendous growth.

its clearly not just identifying your own issues that is progress, but understanding, and learning to accept others as they are, even understanding that we dont always understand. you sound like youve really tempered your anger with that knowledge, and thats huge.

i can also relate to not necessarily living up to our potential. its only recently that ive discovered that in some important areas in my life, i have low self efficacy. might you?

this is all a very powerful expression of self awareness and acceptance thatwasthat, im proud of you for finding it.

Indeed.  It isn't easy. But at the same time it feels good, it's a relief. The is something I can control and work on.

It is so much easier than being at the mercy of a person with tremendous emotional issues. I can reason and talk to myself constructively. I am not forces into circular arguments while all I want to do is smoothen things out.

The tough part is accepting that my family probably not always was what I wished it was. Don't get me wrong, my family isn't terrible. I have a myriad of fond memories of loving parents that often went above and beyond to make things possible for me... .In fact to this day.

I think there was a lack in specific, yet incredibly important, areas.

It feels like I mourn this part of my history, and parts that never existed.

Yes, the self efficacy is definitely a part that needs work. As I said I have in the past often shown my potential, but messed up with the following through. It has only been lately that I have felt the repercussions.

At the same time I believe that I have lately discovered what my calling really is, it is not a precise plan but rather a rough direction. I will have to see how I will proceed with this.

Thank you for your reply. Reading this meant a lot.

[once removed]

"Indeed.  It isn't easy. But at the same time it feels good, it's a relief. The is something I can control and work on.

It is so much easier than being at the mercy of a person with tremendous emotional issues. I can reason and talk to myself constructively. I am not forces into circular arguments while all I want to do is smoothen things out."

i think i get you. i mention that its not easy both for others reading, and to illustrate your progress to you. if someone had pointed all of this out to you in the thick of it, you might or might not have been as receptive. it takes real strength to turn the focus to ourselves. it takes accepting that we are the only ones we can control and change. and when we are ready to do that, it can be freeing and enlightening. we can really dig in, because we are ready, and experience it in a healing way.

all families are imperfect. i understand youre not throwing them under the bus, and thats a great outlook. our parents are generally the most central figures in terms of modeling to us what a relationship is supposed to look like. we inherit so much from our parents, and that includes a multitude of positive qualities. i had a pretty good childhood myself. my parents relationship didnt play much role, but i do think some things i learned/developed/inherited from them did. i really feel your pain in mourning parts that never existed. we are naturally very vulnerable to wounds our parents can inflict either by their action or inaction. it is okay to feel this, and to mourn. youre doing a great job at that.

i relate a lot to the low self efficacy. i think it can sound dismissive on my part, but every relationship ive been in during high school and after, was a relationship i felt i knew better than to get into, and ultimately regretted. thats on me; its certainly up to me to change. i feel similarly that it took the BPD relationship to get me to actually see this, and to change. with low self efficacy, the potential is almost always there, and theres usually a history to back it up. different from low self esteem, we can be quite accepting of our strong suits, but we dont tend to live them out, and we suffer as a result. it can play out in our relationships too. i submit that this lesson will be useful to you for the rest of your life.

[thatwasthat]

Good post. Keep going. Write all this down here and in your own journal or computer. It's amazing sometimes when that flow starts going how you can have an Einstein type of breakthrough and what tragedy it is if you don't have it saved somewhere to access. This is a rare time for us post break up. Much like you read that the gift of the borderline is our ability to become what we were meant to be, it's like a hurricane sweeping over a coast and uncovering ancient ruins that nobody would have ever known existed. Eventually the sands will reclaim and bury them again so it's imperative that we access them in this rare window of time when we've been stripped bare. It sounds like you are doing that and good for you. [... .]

It's almost funny in a way, how not only the experiences with our ex's are so similar, but also this.

I've always encountered a certain feeling, and the last couple of years I had a feeling that it might not be entirely "normal". But only more recently, in the wake of the relationship and my growing understanding I managed to put my finger on it.

It is a mix of several emotions, it is hard to describe. A mix of anxiety, abandonment, despair. An important aspect of it is a certain feeling of panic, as if it has to be resolved immediately or everything just falls apart. This sense of panic is stronger when the solution is right in front of me but someone just doesn't want to listen to my "pleading".

I encountered it often, sometimes it is difficult to "catch" since it wasn't always strong and some aspects might not be there.

I am always certain that this very feeling is what also caused problems in other parts of my life apart from relationships (although I think relationship was the most obvious).

Part of my epiphany that I talked about earlier was that I could remember feeling this terrible emotional cocktail as a child. Thinking about it... .this might have even been the key that led me to think about all this to begin with.

I'm not going to go into detail, because I could probably write paragraph after paragraph about these memories that might not make too much sense to others. I'm just going to say that I distinctively remember this emotion while laying in bed in the dark and hearing my parents argue, crying myself to sleep. The feeling of panic is mostly associated to memories of my mother raging and me not understanding, feeling helpless and just trying to make everything right, just wanting to feel loved and safe.

I think this was the root of everything that followed. When I was older I always felt "different", had (what I only now understood) a feeling of shame and low self-esteem. Later in high school, although I was popular and good looking, I never really had a girlfriend. It was tragically funny that many years later at reunions, after a couple of drinks, many of the girls said "I was so into you. I think you were too, why did you never go for me you dummy?"   I can laugh now, but it's somewhat descriptive of a lot of things.

Interesting that you mention your ability to offer great advice and will to help others. I am the same.

I am really good at giving well-balanced and thoughtful advice and have helped a lot of people with their problems. I always used to joke that it is weird how easy it is to solve other people's problems, yet I couldn't even fight my way out of wt paperback when it comes to mine.

Weird how I now think about these things. I would have thought "get a grip you weirdo" if told these things not too long ago.

[thatwasthat]

"This is something I can control and work on. It is so much easier than being at the mercy of a person with tremendous emotional issues. I can reason and talk to myself constructively."

it takes accepting that we are the only ones we can control and change. and when we are ready to do that, it can be freeing and enlightening. we can really dig in, because we are ready, and experience it in a healing way.

I have a feeling that everything is interconnected. I think this panicked feeling came from not always being certain of my mother's love during her rages. And maybe I was trying to, via proxy by my excellent choice in partners, find relief from this feeling. If that is the case, it's probably what makes it easier to face it. For the first time not having to face this panic, relief only being able to be given by someone one the outside.

Thinking about it, I think I had a pretty warped view of relationships. Basically "eternal love, painful but in the end there will be resolution and happiness ever after". This view might have been in place to make me seek out these relationships because I had this problem I subconsciously needed to solve.

I now have a glimpse of what it must be like to be free of this. If it is how I think it is... .it is mindblowing. 

[anxiety5]

Good post. Keep going. Write all this down here and in your own journal or computer. It's amazing sometimes when that flow starts going how you can have an Einstein type of breakthrough and what tragedy it is if you don't have it saved somewhere to access. This is a rare time for us post break up. Much like you read that the gift of the borderline is our ability to become what we were meant to be, it's like a hurricane sweeping over a coast and uncovering ancient ruins that nobody would have ever known existed. Eventually the sands will reclaim and bury them again so it's imperative that we access them in this rare window of time when we've been stripped bare. It sounds like you are doing that and good for you. [... .]

It's almost funny in a way, how not only the experiences with our ex's are so similar, but also this.

I've always encountered a certain feeling, and the last couple of years I had a feeling that it might not be entirely "normal". But only more recently, in the wake of the relationship and my growing understanding I managed to put my finger on it.

It is a mix of several emotions, it is hard to describe. A mix of anxiety, abandonment, despair. An important aspect of it is a certain feeling of panic, as if it has to be resolved immediately or everything just falls apart. This sense of panic is stronger when the solution is right in front of me but someone just doesn't want to listen to my "pleading".

I encountered it often, sometimes it is difficult to "catch" since it wasn't always strong and some aspects might not be there.

I am always certain that this very feeling is what also caused problems in other parts of my life apart from relationships (although I think relationship was the most obvious).

Part of my epiphany that I talked about earlier was that I could remember feeling this terrible emotional cocktail as a child. Thinking about it... .this might have even been the key that led me to think about all this to begin with.

I'm not going to go into detail, because I could probably write paragraph after paragraph about these memories that might not make too much sense to others. I'm just going to say that I distinctively remember this emotion while laying in bed in the dark and hearing my parents argue, crying myself to sleep. The feeling of panic is mostly associated to memories of my mother raging and me not understanding, feeling helpless and just trying to make everything right, just wanting to feel loved and safe.

I think this was the root of everything that followed. When I was older I always felt "different", had (what I only now understood) a feeling of shame and low self-esteem. Later in high school, although I was popular and good looking, I never really had a girlfriend. It was tragically funny that many years later at reunions, after a couple of drinks, many of the girls said "I was so into you. I think you were too, why did you never go for me you dummy?"   I can laugh now, but it's somewhat descriptive of a lot of things.

Interesting that you mention your ability to offer great advice and will to help others. I am the same.

I am really good at giving well-balanced and thoughtful advice and have helped a lot of people with their problems. I always used to joke that it is weird how easy it is to solve other people's problems, yet I couldn't even fight my way out of wt paperback when it comes to mine.

Weird how I now think about these things. I would have thought "get a grip you weirdo" if told these things not too long ago.

It's all good stuff. You see we are in a ways similar to our borderline partners. You have a stunted inner child that still exists in arrest, in that bed feeling powerless and helpless. Often times much like a codependent learns to becomes a "giver" we are givers of advice, and it makes us feel good to comfort others. To know that we helped clear their mind, put their fears aside and a good buddy will sleep well as you helped talk him through a problem he was having. Our ability to read our friends so well, is our wish that someone would have read our face and known our pain. Our nurturing sense to want to help our friends feel ok when they are upset about something is our wish that someone would have done the same for us. Our empathy and intuitiveness to others pain, is a gift of having felt that same pain ourselves. And our innate ability to help talk them through tough times is our attempt to give ourselves that same sort of peace.

You need to really access those moments when you were feeling so helpless during those nights and you need to talk to that younger version of you from a mature and wise position that you now find yourself in. In a strange way it reminds me of that show Quantum Leap. He would go back into a different time and place and wouldn't be able to leave until he rectified the problem. We ourselves must go back to those times you are identifying and help that kid feel ok, to understand it's not his fault, to make him feel ok and let him know that his pain is your pain and that there is nothing to fear because the answers sometimes can't come to us in one night, but rather over time. In doing so, you will take that stunted inner portion of yourself that appears as a weird "feeling" in times of anxiety or fear as an adult and you will become a whole and complete person, no longer cut off from the rest of you.

There will be no need to fix or compulsions to rescue because the ultimate thing you can do for yourself, for your future partner and for your future children is to rescue yourself.

[Lifewriter16]

First, brilliant moment of clarity. Relationships are a 'dance' in which we get the opportunity to heal our pasts regardless of how challenging it is. I once heard someone say that: "The person we can most grow with is also the person we can get most stuck with".

My apologies if these methods have already been mentioned to you. I haven't time to read the whole thread but your post caught my attention.

I wish there was a way to talk to him.

I have had dialogues with the child I was through writing. I write as an adult using my dominant hand and then reply as a child writing with my non-dominant hand. It's not as hard as it sounds. I just write down each word as I sense it wants to emerge, not censoring it or criticising or denying the reality that seems to be developing. I ask questions, reassure, give lots of positive strokes. When I first tried it, I found that my inner child had no interest in talking to me because I'd ignored her for years and she was sulking. It took perseverance to get her to speak and eventually open up to me. It was worth it though. Sometimes, it felt like I was crazy. One such discussion, she said she wanted to go and see The Muppet Christmas Carol at the cinema. I replied: "I can't do that on my own". She replied: "You won't be on your own, you're taking me!" Wonderful child logic. Be warned though, you may get some unwanted surprises. My inner child doesn't like chocolate and doesn't like the fact I keep eating it!

Alternatively, you could start with a letter to your younger self and then write a reply. It can also be a very powerful experience to write a letter from your wise, older self to yourself at your current age. When I did that, I felt a real burden lifted from me. I felt supported. I was able to sink into the arms of someone stronger than me and receive the comfort I so needed.

If you prefer a therapeutic approach, you could try the empty chair method. Put two chairs out. When you sit in one chair you always speak as an adult. When you sit in the other chair you always speak as a child. Move from chair to chair, asking and answering questions or reassuring the child you were etc. He might be angry with you or frightened. Respond to his feelings remembering to always be loving. If he needs a hug, hug yourself and imagine yourself as the child you used to be receiving that hug whilst you also give it. It sounds mad but it's a very powerful method. You might prefer to do this with a therapist, but it works at home too.

You could try trips too - find out what HE likes and make time to do it. It's all about building trust... .

Love Lifewriter

[anxiety5]

First, brilliant moment of clarity. Relationships are a 'dance' in which we get the opportunity to heal our pasts regardless of how challenging it is. I once heard someone say that: "The person we can most grow with is also the person we can get most stuck with".

My apologies if these methods have already been mentioned to you. I haven't time to read the whole thread but your post caught my attention.

I wish there was a way to talk to him.

I have had dialogues with the child I was through writing. I write as an adult using my dominant hand and then reply as a child writing with my non-dominant hand. It's not as hard as it sounds. I just write down each word as I sense it wants to emerge, not censoring it or criticising or denying the reality that seems to be developing. I ask questions, reassure, give lots of positive strokes. When I first tried it, I found that my inner child had no interest in talking to me because I'd ignored her for years and she was sulking. It took perseverance to get her to speak and eventually open up to me. It was worth it though. Sometimes, it felt like I was crazy. One such discussion, she said she wanted to go and see The Muppet Christmas Carol at the cinema. I replied: "I can't do that on my own". She replied: "You won't be on your own, you're taking me!" Wonderful child logic. Be warned though, you may get some unwanted surprises. My inner child doesn't like chocolate and doesn't like the fact I keep eating it!

Alternatively, you could start with a letter to your younger self and then write a reply. It can also be a very powerful experience to write a letter from your wise, older self to yourself at your current age. When I did that, I felt a real burden lifted from me. I felt supported. I was able to sink into the arms of someone stronger than me and receive the comfort I so needed.

If you prefer a therapeutic approach, you could try the empty chair method. Put two chairs out. When you sit in one chair you always speak as an adult. When you sit in the other chair you always speak as a child. Move from chair to chair, asking and answering questions or reassuring the child you were etc. He might be angry with you or frightened. Respond to his feelings remembering to always be loving. If he needs a hug, hug yourself and imagine yourself as the child you used to be receiving that hug whilst you also give it. It sounds mad but it's a very powerful method. You might prefer to do this with a therapist, but it works at home too.

You could try trips too - find out what HE likes and make time to do it. It's all about building trust... .

Love Lifewriter

It's really not all that crazy when you consider the benefits of EMDR therapy. EMDR for those reading this that aren't aware has been clinically proven to alleviate PTSD in soldiers returning from war. At the risk of oversimplifying it's about identifying trauma, for a soldier this may be when his vehicle was attached in Afghanistan. For us, it may be when we first found out they cheated.  You basically describe that moment in your mind, where you were, what you see around you, how you feel. You then identify and connect to the way you felt. The counselor helps you to identify feelings you are experiencing and you assign those feelings a level of how intense they are.  After guidance you then do the same exercise at a later date and after having discussed what happened, are in tune with how it makes you feel, you discuss the event in detail again. This time you incorporate new belief more positive ways to respond or cope into the context of that first run through exercise you did, following the counseling you received. All in all you are accessing old trauma's to basically weaken their impact, and cope better.

The scenario of speaking to your wounded self is no difference. Those early childhood moments are when that trauma occurred.