Texted me

[Vatz]

She texted me just now, asking about some of her things that she couldn't find at her parents place from when I went to drop them off. This was a year ago, she says she only got to it two months ago.

I looked at the list of stuff and yes, I dropped them all off, or in any case I don't have them.

I don't know if I should respond. I want to say "I don't have those items, they were packed and sent away. Do not contact this number again."

But I'm scared. I'm scared because I feel vulnerable. Part of me wants to run back even though it's been a year. There's a 99% chance she won't have me, or that she's found a replacement but damnit lately I've been missing her like no one's business. I feel like if I even dignify with a response that it will lead to further communication. But I'm wondering that if I don't respond, that either she'll keep texting or somehow she'll pursue legal action... .somehow. Don't know how.

Damnit, I thought I was over it.

[Turkish]

That's a good BIFF response, though I don't think you're obligated to send it... We're not over it until we are over it.

[Skip]

I want to say "I don't have those items, they were packed and sent away. Do not contact this number again."

If you have the strength, stay off the drama triangle.  A non-response or a "don't call me response" is the first salvo in drama and it may be reciprocated.

If it was anyone else, might you say "I looked and I don't have those items and I didn't throw them away. Everything that I had, I packed and sent. Hope you find them."

BIFF.

Brief √  

Informative √  

Friendly √  

Firm √

Whatever you do - do if from a position of strength, not fear.  Right now, this is a simple and reasonable question. You can be a healthy strong person.  

[Vatz]

Thanks for your replies.

I do not want to contact her at all.

I remember packing up the items she mentioned-in fact I wrapped one inside the other. Sort of a last "Thought you'd like it put together this way." Sounds kind of trite, I know.

She apologized profusely throughout the message, and the way she worded a few things tugged on something for me.

But no, I just a few minutes ago deleted everything. I'm too susceptible, and I know what contact with her would do to me. That's what scares me the most.

Mostly I can't stand that I still feel the way I do about her. Even after everything I still sometimes find myself wishing we were still together.

Thanks, guys. I still have a lot of work to do.

[zundertowz]

No response is not creating drama... .that's the best thing to do... .no response its been a year!... Any response could lead to more drama actually.

[Skip]

No response is not creating drama... .

Silent Treatment and No Contact can create a lot of drama.  We have thousands of posts here were the partner or the members are having a dramatic reactions and/or responses to it.

Here's how.  

She writes a friendly note.  She reacts to the non-response as rejection.  She gets upset (either quietly or lashes out).  If she tells a friend, they will side with her.  It is hard to imagine a scenario where she says - OK, non response. Cool.

Best case, she cusses under her breath and deals with this without going another round.

I'm too susceptible, and I know what contact with her would do to me.

This makes absolute sense.  If you feel vulnerable, then shut her out.  As zundertowz says, its been a year, you have no obligation.

All of this can be true.  

[zundertowz]

Chances are since she has not contacted you in a year she was thinking about you and it was a fleeting moment... .don't overthink about were the item went its just an excuse to make contact... .just continue NC and your heeling... .this is all a trap that will set you back months.

[cloudten]

No response is a response.

[Invictus01]

If you aren't ready to talk to her - don't. If you are, a simple - "I checked and I am certain that I dropped them off with everything else." would do. No need for "do not contact this number again", just more of reason for her to flip out on you. If she tries to continue the conversation, you choice whether you wanna kill it right there or continue talking.

[apollotech]

She apologized profusely throughout the message, and the way she worded a few things tugged on something for me.

Hi Vatz,

Maybe I have missed something here, but is the "apologizing profusely" in the message that you just received?

[Vatz]

She apologized profusely throughout the message, and the way she worded a few things tugged on something for me.

Hi Vatz,

Maybe I have missed something here, but is the "apologizing profusely" in the message that you just received?

Yes, apologizing about contacting me when I made it clear a year ago that I wanted zero contact. Should have been clearer about that, sorry.

[apollotech]

Hi Vats,

Thanks for the response. Take care of yourself!

[Kelli Cornett]

What is it that you think you have a long way to go on?

Seems like you're pretty clear about your boundaries and don't contact her.

[Kelli Cornett]

I guess the " don't contact me again " sounds a bit immature and sassy.


I think you just shouldn't of at all. I mean you haven't in a year right? So what was the point now?

[lbjnltx]

Chances are since she has not contacted you in a year she was thinking about you and it was a fleeting moment... .don't overthink about were the item went its just an excuse to make contact... .just continue NC and your heeling... .this is all a trap that will set you back months.

Aren't the chances greater that she was looking for something she couldn't find and wanted to know if Vatz may have overlooked sending it?  All Vatz can really know for sure is what she wrote in the text message.

Attaching speculative motives is what might set one back emotionally and make us feel like victims.

lbjnltx

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Vatz-

Thanks, guys. I still have a lot of work to do.

The cool thing about events like this are you get immediate feedback on how you're doing with your detachment.  If you were all the way detached, how would it be different?  You might get a text and get mildly curious and a little amused, with no emotional reaction?  It's good to associate with what that might feel like so you know what to aim for and what you might need to do differently moving forward.

But I'm scared. I'm scared because I feel vulnerable. Part of me wants to run back even though it's been a year. There's a 99% chance she won't have me, or that she's found a replacement but damnit lately I've been missing her like no one's business.

What have you been missing exactly?  What needs of yours was she meeting, or the version of her in your head meeting?  If you can identify that, you can find or create a more empowering vehicle to meet those needs, and once you do, you'll be getting your needs met for one, woohoo!, but also it will entirely take the power she still has away.