Cathartic letter to ex (not sent)

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hope its okay to post here, rather than send. Please pardon any grammatical errors, I know I am rambling... .just had to get this out. Better here than to him right?  Thank you again everyone for your well wishes and support  


I am sorry how things ended. I held on much longer than I should have; with so much loss and sickness this year. That does not make it right that I tried to force visits and  contact on you, Things were looking up in your world it was time for me to go. I know you are a good person, and did not mean to hurt me; I know you hurt too, and writhed in pain hoping, begging, PLEADING  for an out away from me. I am sorry I did not grant that sooner. I love you so much, I miss and think of you everyday. Had my health permitted it,  I really would have given my kidney; I cannot stand your mother (the feeling is likewise,believe me) but thats how much i loved YOU. I did not want YOU to suffer watching her die on a waiting list. I loved you so f***ing much, I would have given my own life to save yours. You meant so damn much to me. Becoming intimate was a mistake, but I miss your friendship. No matter what, I thought we would grow old together. I thought I would always have your friendship. The loss rattles me to my core. But I am glad your life is happy and full. Must be nice to lack a conscience and carry on without a care.

[Beach_Babe]

Hope its okay to post here, rather than send. Please pardon any grammatical errors, I know I am rambling... .just had to get this out. Better here than to him right?  Thank you again everyone for your well wishes and support  


I am sorry how things ended. I held on much longer than I should have; with so much loss and sickness this year. That does not make it right that I tried to force visits and  contact on you, Things were looking up in your world it was time for me to go. I know you are a good person, and did not mean to hurt me; I know you hurt too, and writhed in pain hoping, begging, PLEADING  for an out away from me. I am sorry I did not grant that sooner. I love you so much, I miss and think of you everyday. Had my health permitted it,  I really would have given my kidney; I cannot stand your mother (the feeling is likewise,believe me) but thats how much i loved YOU. I did not want YOU to suffer watching her die on a waiting list. I loved you so f***ing much, I would have given my own life to save yours. You meant so damn much to me. Becoming intimate was a mistake, but I miss your friendship. No matter what, I thought we would grow old together. I thought I would always have your friendship. The loss rattles me to my core. But I am glad your life is happy and full. Must be nice to lack a conscience and carry on without a care.

[chill1986]

Did you send this?

I thought about sending a letter but in the end decided it wouldn't do much good whilst she still hates me.

[Beach_Babe]

No. I wanted to. Missed him so much tonight, cried in airport (i.e: kept fantasizing I'd run into him on my way home/back from visiting family and get one last hug - how pathetic is THAT?). Thought it was better to post here instead.

Why does yours hate you Chili? How long have you been NC?.3.5 months here

[chill1986]

It's not pathetic, I keep dreaming about stuff like that happening. We have a holiday booked to Zambia in September and I keep dreaming about her coming to her senses and us flying off together! But then I wake up and think about all the horrible things she said to me and how she treated me like an emotional punching bag.

As for the crying, I cried a couple of days ago changing the tyre on my car and before we broke up I hadn't cried in 20 years!

I don't know why she hates me, projection I think of all her problems focussed into hate for me. I never did anything to deserve it, the week before we were talking about the future then she came back one night and kicks me out of our house.

I try to go NC all the time, but she finds ways to contact me like picking up my stuff from the house or kicking off about forwarding me a letter saying it's annoying etc

It's only been 2.5 months since the break up so early days and maybe those admin things will subside. But I bloody love that girl and miss her terribly, despite what she's done.

[Beach_Babe]

I'm sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. Who broke up with whom?

[zundertowz]

I was gonna send a similar letter a few weeks ago to get some things off my chest and maybe put a period on this chapter off my life... .what I realized a day later was that she probably wouldn't even understand the letter and I also didn't even feel the same way a few days later... .thank god I didn't send it... .I'm still at a point were everytime I think about the relationship I feel a different way... .good job not sending the letter just keep writing them and burning them.

[Beach_Babe]

And kudos to you on your recent move! Does the distance help?

[chill1986]

She broke up with me and kicked me out! She kept saying I could stay whenever I wanted till I got myself sorted, but the one night I needed to she said she would go and stay with a friend. Then last week she texted about picking up a suitcase of mine, she wouldn't see me, just leave it outside so I could collect it on my way to work. Except she didn't, then lied to say she had and I had to go back later that day.

Not in my case, I got a new job for when we moved in together as it was really close, now 3 times the distance and I have to pass very close to where we were living twice a day. Plus the place I moved to we went to all the time, so constant memories.

But it's getting easier, almost drowning in them and seeing them so much you begin to get over it if that makes sense?

[zundertowz]

And kudos to you on your recent move! Does the distance help?

Thanks!  I think anything you can do to improve your life helps you move on... .I still struggle with the insanity of the relationship but I'm not stuck on her as someone I would want in my life... .I have actually been feeling a bit guilty with my reaction towards her behaviour lately... .I kinda wish I took the high road more which was kinds what my letter was about.

[Beach_Babe]

But it's getting easier, almost drowning in them and seeing them so much you begin to get over it if that makes sense?

Perfect sense. How are you doing currently?

Zundertowz: What did your letter say?

[chill1986]

Good thanks. Starting to feel like my old self! I don't know if you or anyone else found this, but my relationship with my ex destroyed my confidence and it's starting to return. Been on a few dates and hopeful about one girl

How about you?

[Beach_Babe]

Glad to hear you are feeling better !   I have good days and bad days. I just got a new job and found out I have to attend a conference in the fall in his city. I think I'm stressing about that now. When are you seeing the girl again? =)

[chill1986]

Ahh that's tough, could be worse, I have to drive past my exes house that I use to live in twice a day!

Yeah I get those, I just try and avoid any triggers. I haven't been on social media for a week and it's helped immensely.

Are you there for long? Will you be busy the whole time? Helps take your mind off it.

Not sure yet, but she seems keen to meet again, next week hopefully

[Beach_Babe]

Ahh that's tough, could be worse, I have to drive past my exes house that I use to live in twice a day!

no other routes you could take? Holy ghost that is hard. I'm only there a week. Given he told people I am a stalker and his last words to me involved threats of police I don't know how to handle this. Any  suggestions?

[chill1986]

Well I have slightly different route no which means I don't pass her house, but still go within 500m of it. It gets easier with time like most things. It's her loss!

Jeez, how long ago was that? Any chance he has calmed down? (My ex hates me more now than we broke up so understandable if he hasn't!)

[Beach_Babe]

3.5 months NC.  No need for me now: the job is going well and he recently won some award for "kindness and compassion"  in his community. That  makes me sad because I KNOW if I reached out I  would be treated to cruelty and contempt (if acknowledged at all).

[chill1986]

What I have found with my ex, before we broke up, she was very high functioning and very good at her job, getting promotions before and after we broke up. Outwardly they seem like happy people but that is a mask. Away from everyone and deep down its a different story. It's only the person that is closest to them that sees the real them. I remember one time, a week before she broke up with me and she had been nasty when she wasn't silent to me for a week and that night her sister came to stay, she was lovely and happy. I thought great, this might break this cycle, but as soon as she was gone it was straight back to being nasty to me.

My point is, you can't judge things just on the surface of the situation. I put on a happy face sometimes as I just don't want to talk about it!

Does he know you will be attending the conference? Do you have to tell him? I might be tempted to go and not say anything.

[Beach_Babe]

That is how he has reacted this past year; withdrew, bailed on plans and raged whenever he found a new job, supply or things were going good. He does not know aND I certainly don't have go tell him. It's ME that's now sick with worry, however. What if he sees me and thinks I'm stalking him? =( it almost seems being coldly ignored is the best I can hope for. Maybe I really dont deserve civility?

[chill1986]

You and I for that matter deserve a lot better than just civility! We are good people, but they are ill, they are projecting. Until they stop that we will always get the cold shoulder, we are painted black. I've stopped expecting her to be nice and just assume hostility, if I don't get my hopes up then there aren't any surprises.

I see where you are coming from about the stalking, but telling him you are going might set him off anyway! I would cross that bridge if it arose, if you don't see him, no problem, if you do calmly explain you are on a conference for work. You don't know, by that point, assuming NC he might not be so negative towards you.

I have a situation in September where the rugby World Cup is on, I bought tickets for her Dad, sister, brother in law, her and I. I bought them in three transactions, a 2, a 2 and a 1. So I am taking the one and she can go with her family, odds are I won't see them, but I'm not going to say where I am going or what I am doing. It's not worth the hassle. I'm just putting the tickets through her letter box, despite her kicking off saying I treat her like a bloody secretary because she had to forward me 2 letters. I'm taking the high road and being rational.

Let me know what you decide! There are a few parallels between our exBPDs I think!

[Beach_Babe]

That sounds like an awkward situation for you too with the world cup tickets. I don't want to think the worst, I truly do want peace and wish I could reach out. But then I remember his peace is that I'm gone.

[chill1986]

It is, but I take solace in the fact that I haven't let her actions get to me so much that I lower myself to her level. Her family treated me well and loved me, I always reciprocated and continue to do so. She will have to deal with the fact that without me, they would not be there.

I don't agree, he hasn't found peace because you aren't there, quite the opposite. They push, project, are negative towards because they are scared, love us too much. I don't think that without therapy people with BPD will ever find peace, they will always have an inner turmoil.

You are a good person, it wasn't anything you did or could have done differently, they are ill. I'm not perfect, but I did my best and treated her well. When we got too close she pushed, I couldn't have seen it coming. I only wish I had known about BPD then and noticed the warning signs, but it still would have only been delaying the inevitable!

[Beach_Babe]

I don't agree, he hasn't found peace because you aren't there, quite the opposite.

Why wouldn't he have contacted me then? He knows how I feel

[zundertowz]

I don't agree, he hasn't found peace because you aren't there, quite the opposite.

Why wouldn't he have contacted me then? He knows how I feel

There all different... .Beach Babe yours sounds like mine... .replaced out of site out of mind... .that's the narc in them... .chances are 2 years from now when there alone and lonely you will get a email saying hey how you doing as if nothing happened

[chill1986]

Could be a number of reasons;

You are still painted black, he is projecting all negativity onto you.

Could be annoyed you haven't tried to contact him.

Could be he needs space

Maybe he is trying to forget you

For me, being in the same situation, I believe I am still painted black and she is projecting, but also annoyed I am not begging to come back and actually doing well.

I agree with zundertowz, I am sure that at some point I will get an email or text saying she misses me, but I'm not going to wait for it. I want to enjoy life!

[Beach_Babe]

That has actually happened before from 2005-2006. There was no fight or anything he just vanished. Then reappeared with no apology just some truly bizarre explanation. Our relationship was only platonic at the time so I did not think much of it.

That is why I feel a need to reach out (not necessarily NOW but at some point) to see if thats how he truly still feels (i.e: no friendship/contact/civility possible).  if that is the case, then, after a certain point he will  live with his decision.  I will  close that door.

[chill1986]

I know what you mean, I feel the same, but if they feel that way, they will reach out. Remember they hurt us, they behaved awfully and with no respect, so they should be the one the reach out.

It could be years until the hate they feel towards us subsides, do you really want to wait that long?

[Beach_Babe]

I know

It could be years until the hate they feel towards us subsides, do you really want to wait that long?

No, and that's exactly my point! A year is too late.

[myself]

Remember they hurt us, they behaved awfully and with no respect, so they should be the one the reach out.

Even then, you need to question it.

Why would they be reaching out?

What/who else are they running from?

Would you be able to trust them?

Would they be being honest?

Question why you'd want to hear from someone who treated you that way.

[chill1986]

Beach babe -Good! I feel the same way.

I pity them, it will be too late when they come to their senses. If they only realised now whilst we still love them.

Myself - I totally agree, it would be stupid to let them just walk back into your lives. There would be a lot of questions that needed to be answered.

[zundertowz]

I know

It could be years until the hate they feel towards us subsides, do you really want to wait that long?

No, and that's exactly my point! A year is too late.

Everyone's situation is different... 14 years is a long friggin time to know someone and then they vanish... .So in your case a letter sounds reasonable as long as it is for closure and your not hoping for more.