Do I have some kind of a personality disorder?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hey guys.

Been active on the site for quite a while now and have come a long way, and due to a lot of my findings about myself, BPD and countless replays of the entire r/s - I think I might have a PD of some kind too.

Here are a few personality traits, quirks, "red flags" that I have, including things I did in the r/s. Keep in mind she was my first girlfriend so some of it may be sheer lack of experience:

1)Told her I love her only 2 weeks after knowing her

2)Told her I saw her as a future wife after less than a month into the relationship

3)Liked all of her Instagram photos, all 226 (at that time) of them. Asked permission first, and after she told me I was "very persistent" I told her "Hey, I have a stalker-like mentality, I can either be your dream come true or your worst nightmare, it's your choice". Have NO IDEA why I said that, it just felt right.

4)Cried when most of our dates ended (after we said goodbye and I got on the bus back home) because for some reason the sheer thought of being away from her for even just a moment made it hard to go on.

5)All of our fights, including the breakup, revolted around the idea that she always canceled dates at the last minute - even if for legitimate reasons (hurt her leg at work and couldn't walk, tired after a double shift, etc), yet sometimes the excuses she made were very vague and she kind of forced me to stay home or she started crying on the phone that I was pushing her.

6)I noticed that in the vast majority of conversations that I'm in, I let the other person start and then mimic their tone, voice patterns, style of conversation, etc - in order to make the person comfortable with the conversation, and only rarely does my true "self" comes out, and then it goes downhill fast. I pretty much mirror people.

7)I can hurt people and then go by as if nothing happened, especially if they're close. I can detach and stop talking to long-time friends and relatives at the blink of an eye if they've upset me.

I know no one here (no one that I know of) is a certified psychiatrist, but I can't afford one now and just by the description of my personal traits - do you think I have a personality disorder of some kind?

[Bassoutcast]

Hey guys.

Been active on the site for quite a while now and have come a long way, and due to a lot of my findings about myself, BPD and countless replays of the entire r/s - I think I might have a PD of some kind too.

Here are a few personality traits, quirks, "red flags" that I have, including things I did in the r/s. Keep in mind she was my first girlfriend so some of it may be sheer lack of experience:

1)Told her I love her only 2 weeks after knowing her

2)Told her I saw her as a future wife after less than a month into the relationship

3)Liked all of her Instagram photos, all 226 (at that time) of them. Asked permission first, and after she told me I was "very persistent" I told her "Hey, I have a stalker-like mentality, I can either be your dream come true or your worst nightmare, it's your choice". Have NO IDEA why I said that, it just felt right.

4)Cried when most of our dates ended (after we said goodbye and I got on the bus back home) because for some reason the sheer thought of being away from her for even just a moment made it hard to go on.

5)All of our fights, including the breakup, revolted around the idea that she always canceled dates at the last minute - even if for legitimate reasons (hurt her leg at work and couldn't walk, tired after a double shift, etc), yet sometimes the excuses she made were very vague and she kind of forced me to stay home or she started crying on the phone that I was pushing her.

6)I noticed that in the vast majority of conversations that I'm in, I let the other person start and then mimic their tone, voice patterns, style of conversation, etc - in order to make the person comfortable with the conversation, and only rarely does my true "self" comes out, and then it goes downhill fast. I pretty much mirror people.

7)I can hurt people and then go by as if nothing happened, especially if they're close. I can detach and stop talking to long-time friends and relatives at the blink of an eye if they've upset me.

I know no one here (no one that I know of) is a certified psychiatrist, but I can't afford one now and just by the description of my personal traits - do you think I have a personality disorder of some kind?

[Skip]

Maybe its easier to ask the simple question - are these typical male behaviors in a relationship?

Probably not.

Are these typical male behaviors in a first relationship at age 20?

First relationships are intense and can be over-the-top.

Do you want to approach the next relationship this way?

I would think not. It's so important not to be clingy or over-pursue and there is a lot of it in your list.

You went really deep, really fast, and had great fears of loss.

Why do you think this was happening?

[Bassoutcast]

Maybe its easier to ask the simple question - are these typical male behaviors in a relationship?

Probably not.

Are these typical male behaviors in a first relationship at age 20?

First relationships are intense and can be over-the-top.

Do you want to approach the next relationship this way?

I would think not. It's so important not to be clingy or over-pursue and there is a lot of it in your list.

You went really deep, really fast, and had great fears of loss.

Why do you think this was happening?

I would certainly not act this way in the next r/s, I think a lot of it was driven by my ex's constant need to be saved and I just wanted to give her the best life possible... .I've always been an "over-achiever" and she was so wounded (low-functioning waif BPD) and I just rushed to help her... .I would never have acted like this in another relationship... .I wasn't even attracted to her at first, kind of went with the "well we're getting along great as friends, I don't see why not" approach to dating her... .truth be told I was kind of out of her league (not bragging or anything, just many people who knew us as a couple have told me that during/after the r/s).

I think it was the BPD that made me addicted and go crazy... .I have a mood disorder (mild Bipolar, more commonly known as Cyclothymia) and I think she just triggered me as well to the point that I would go bananas and scream at her or get very depressed or manic... .BPD and Bipolar fit together as much as oil and water... .

So do you think it was more because of the exBPDgf and the mood disorder or was it something else?

[Skip]

I think we need to own our own behavior.

What you describe is a bit manic so it fits. 

How can you temper this... .what are the tools that you have?

[Bassoutcast]

I think we need to own our own behavior.

What you describe is a bit manic so it fits. 

How can you temper this... .what are the tools that you have?

Basically ever since the breakup I've been focusing on myself, going back to childhood traumas and addressing them, solving long-term issues with my parents (especially my mother), and now that I have a good support system I can rely on the people I trust to help me in my hour of need.

Some people trigger me into manic-depressive episodes so I've tried to keep them on LC and gradually let them into my life again, in small doses that I can handle. Music helps too (listening, writing, recording, practicing with the band, etc), and usually when I'm triggered I go and cool off by myself, often with a playlist or a good book (I used to drink, punch walls and cut myself so that's pretty big progress).

My Cyclothymia is more chronic than the average Bipolar disorder, though not as intense, so I think the BEST form of healing would be learning to control it to a point where I can lead a healthy life without breaking down each time I'm triggered (and you can imagine the pain of a BPD breakup, the pain of your FIRST breakup and all that multiplied by a mood disorder that makes you much more emotional than the average Joe... .but I lived through it somehow).

I do not blame my ex, but I think it takes 2 for a tango, and in some ways she triggered me to a point where my disorder would come out and trigger her disorder and so the cycle continues... .I've already accepted the fact that we were toxic for each other, no matter how much we both wanted it to work out we ended up hurting each other when we only wanted to be loved... .tragic, huh?

Back to me - I'm doing better one day at a time, and am developing self-confidence rather than self-defense mechanisms like I had before I met my ex... .and I start to feel pretty good about it.

Just needed to vent it all out.

[maxen]

hi Bassoutcast.

now that I have a good support system I can rely on the people I trust to help me in my hour of need.

it's great, isn't it? i had no system at all when my exw bolted, that was a large part of my disintegration two summers ago. i acquired a support system and it felt wonderful just to have one. (it was also a good one!) i hope you feel comfortable with yours?

[BuildingFromScratch]

I think it's very likely that a lot of us have personality disorders. That said, a lot of us also were pretty much infected with BPD by our partners treatment of us. Just like a kid who gets beat as a kid beats his kid and so on. Like skip said, it's important that we not let ourselves become victims again, and also that we heal from the trauma and take responsibility. I can honestly say that although I had my issues, I had about 10 times more issues because of her treatment of me, idealization and devaluation especially.