New, Confused, Hopeful, Scared, Tired, Open

[lukehorace]

I recently completed several years of therapy. It was a marvelous journey and I couldn't be happier that I did it. One thing that came up over and over was the difficulty I have dealing with my sister. My therapist would say from time to time, "I cannot diagnose someone I have not met, but the behavior you describe is behavior that looks like Borderline Personality Disorder."

My sister is now in another free fall (there are at least three a year). There is much weeping on the phone. She is certain the world is going to be destroyed by humankind's behavior. She is completely empty. Nothing works. She will never find a way to make money. She's old and has no possibility of starting over. She has no money. She's going to lose her apartment. She's discovered that the doctor she was seeing is a fraud--he had been the next best thing since Jesus.

She was recently cured of HepC, a result of needle usage 35+ years ago. We thought she would feel better. She seems to feel worse.

I love her. I can't go on worrying and trying to help the way I have. I live on disability after a stroke and its deficits. I send her money when I can and spend hours on the phone with her, hours that I find myself regretting. This has been a lifelong pattern. And, of course, I can't help. If I say anything helpful there is likely to be an explosion. If I don't say anything helpful then I am judging her. It's so hard. It's so sad.

It isn't that she hasn't tried. She's been sober and clean in AA for 30 years, though she talks about how the program has become terrible, doesn't function properly in Los Angeles (she moved there years ago). She hates where she lives and wants to move back to New York, which she hated when she lived there.

I could go on.

I have recently contacted my four other siblings and asked them to join me in exploring the idea that our sister is mentally ill and that there is nothing we can do to fix it, but that even acknowledging it might help us to find a way forward.

Of course, I cannot know if she has BPD. Everything I read about it makes me think there is no question that she does.

The big question is how to get her to a psychologist who will consider the question? I am trying to think of a way to support this happening, though at present I'm trying to educate myself before embarking on such a task which seems, from past history, to be doomed. If I bring up the possibility that she may have this disorder it is a guarantee that she will feel attacked and betrayed.

Thanks for listening. Any ideas will be precious.

[Kwamina]

Hi lukehorace

It becomes clear from your post that your sister has a long and troubled history. This is very unfortunate. You love her but also have your own problems and well-being to think about. Dealing with a BPD family-member can be quite challenging, many of our members know how hard it is to have a BPD sibling. I am glad you are reaching out for support and advice here because dealing with this can really take its toll on you.

I recently completed several years of therapy. It was a marvelous journey and I couldn't be happier that I did it. One thing that came up over and over was the difficulty I have dealing with my sister. My therapist would say from time to time, "I cannot diagnose someone I have not met, but the behavior you describe is behavior that looks like Borderline Personality Disorder."

Also very positive to hear that you've benefited so much from therapy

I love her. I can't go on worrying and trying to help the way I have. I live on disability after a stroke and its deficits. I send her money when I can and spend hours on the phone with her, hours that I find myself regretting. This has been a lifelong pattern. And, of course, I can't help. If I say anything helpful there is likely to be an explosion. If I don't say anything helpful then I am judging her. It's so hard. It's so sad.

Perhaps you can benefit from some of the communication techniques described on this site. No guarantee that they'll also work with your sister, but perhaps there are elements that you'll find useful:

Communication Skills - Validation

A 3 Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict

I have recently contacted my four other siblings and asked them to join me in exploring the idea that our sister is mentally ill and that there is nothing we can do to fix it, but that even acknowledging it might help us to find a way forward.

How did your siblings respond to this? Do they too believe your sister is mentally ill?

The big question is how to get her to a psychologist who will consider the question? I am trying to think of a way to support this happening, though at present I'm trying to educate myself before embarking on such a task which seems, from past history, to be doomed. If I bring up the possibility that she may have this disorder it is a guarantee that she will feel attacked and betrayed.

I think it's very difficult to get people in therapy if they don't want to themselves. There are people with BPD who through hard work have learned to better manage their difficult thoughts and emotions and as a result have improved their behavior, but for this to happen it is essential that the person fully acknowledges that there might be something wrong with his/her behavior and fully commits to working on his/her issues. Do you feel like your sister has ever in any way acknowledged that there might be something wrong with her behavior? Or at least that there might be something wrong in general in her life?

[lukehorace]

Kwamina,

Thank you so much for your generous and incredibly helpful reply.

I am in a place right now where getting internet is quite difficult so I wasn't able to see this until today. I'm going to digest the things you have said and read what you have recommended and then get back to you.

Blessings

[Maisha]

It's good to hear that therapy has been so beneficial for you.  I commend you on the steps you are taking to get your sister the help that she likely needs.  I would, however, like to add a couple of words of caution based on my experience.  I also figured out during therapy that my mother likely has BPD - the therapist suggested it, and the more books I read on it, the more it all seemed to click.  I have now tried for a few months to get my mother to see a professional - but she refuses.

As kwamina said, it's not always easy to get someone to see a therapist or to seek professional help.  Maybe you sister does not want to get better?  Perhaps she enjoys the melancholy and the self destructive behaviour - I know this is a bizarre comment to make, but certain people are so comfortable playing the victim that empowerment seems more a threat than a solution to them. 

That being said, you must try - who knows, with your siblings' support, it may yield positive results.  I tried to enlist my father's support (as I don't have siblings), but it wasn't very useful.  He recognized that my mother had a problem, but when I suggested that she seek therapy, he accused me of over-reacting, and said she was never going to change, why stir the pot now.

I don't mean to sound discouraging - the key message here is that even if your sister refuses to get help, you have started a very important journey through your therapy.  Hopefully it has equipped you with some of the tools and coping mechanisms you need to react to her more appropriately.  Don't lose heart and continue to focus on that!