Back from new child in the family

[CastleofGlass]

So I have been gone a while. Had a beautiful baby boy born on 27 June. Things went very well through the process, wife and I bonded very well. I was as supportive as one can be as I wanted this to be her best pregnancy to date. Our others all had very dramatic events attached to them and this being our last, I wanted to make it the least dramatic as much on my end as possible. Lots of ups and downs over the last couple weeks. Her parents got sick from the kids, nasty virus and had to leave early. Our other 4 kids have also made it a nightmare. Oldest is my s11 who is high functioning autism and has rage fits like a monster. Then my ss10 who is adhd and my uBPDw won't give him the meds when he isnt in school because he doesnt eat well when on them. I don't agree with that. Without the meds he is a friggin space cadet. All over the place and zones out all day and hyper as a cracked out rabbit. I could understand if we had a different family dynamic, but this is ridiculous.

Just had my vasectomy yesterday and while my wife seemed ok with taking the grunt of everything, today she is singing a different tune. She is short fused, attitude flowing and I can feel that anger just pouring out of her every being. Our newborn has been screaming non stop the last week and its only added to my amazing life... .I'm sore and sitting in my d5/2s room with them so they can play because our newborn is asleep and my wife has decided to sit in her chair and play on her phone. I get she is stressed and I'm not about being treated like a baby but some genuine concern would be f*cking nice. I'm getting close to giving up on this whole thing.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[takingandsending]

COG,

First, congratulations on your new baby!    That is wonderful.

Second, I am so sorry that your in-laws had to return home - they have been a good support for the boys and you. Is there anyone else (neighbors, family, friends, church) that you can lean on right now to take some of the load off your shoulders? It is always a challenge with a newborn in the house, and with BPD spouse, it makes it that much harder.

I don't think that you are going to find much expression of concern from your wife right now. Between BPD, hormones from birth, and a new baby, it's unlikely that she is going to recognize that you are hurting and need compassion, too. Unfortunately, she is likely feeling abandoned as you go to take care of the rest of the family and even having your own procedure, even though it is irrational. The fact that she is retreating to the comfort of the phone shows that she is incapable of connecting with you right now. I am so sorry that is happening. I experience that same frustration and pain with my wife who chooses to connect to on line friends versus her family living in the same house as her.

So, what can you do to help yourself a little, here and there? How can you get that oxygen mask on yourself right now? That's most important. Can the kids be offloaded now and then in camps, play dates or even child care? If not, there is a technique that my T shared with me, and I use when I play with my two boys, 9 and 5, as a way to give back to myself. It is called re-parenting. When you are playing with your daughters, and they are laughing, happy, engaged, imagine that the parent that you are for them in that moment is parenting yourself as a little boy. Imagine that the love, security, attention, affection and interest that you are giving to your girls is also going to a young you. It is a way of giving to yourself while giving to your children, and it does work. Rather than feeling drained and exhausted from care giving, I have found that I feel lighter, happier and a little recharged. It is a form of self-love, and you really need some care and love right now.

Hang in there. Love your new baby. And love yourself, too. You are worth it.   

[formflier]

And... .keep the ice on the... .well... .you know... .     

Congrats on the new baby... .!

FF