I got another message and I'm considering talking to him - I'm lost

[Yolanda123]

My exBPDbf left me another message on my cell. Called me just when I was leaving work. He says he saw me leaving and that he's not stalking me (... .), he just passes there at the time I leave (he lives 2 blocks away from there). He says he wishes I would talk to him (I haven't answered any of his calls or texts in about 4 weeks). That he feels that me ignoring him means that nothing has counted between us. He says he knows he can't ask me for anything, but he would like to talk to me, that he would have liked things to turn differently. That he would like if I want to call him someday, that he feels I just banned him. That he does not like to be lost and confused like that.

I don't want to get back with him, that is very clear in my mind. But I am considering texting him and telling him: I think it's better to put some distance between us, it's over between us and I think we've said everything that had to be said. But if you have something to tell me, I'm available to listen.

I really need some advice here.

I know most members' advice is N/C at all costs. I know the reality, and, as I said, I'm never going back to this r/s, but I hear someone that I loved who seems in pain, and I have a hard time ignoring him. I'm kind of lost. I feel maybe talking with him would be a good thing? For him and for me? I don't want to do something I might regret after.

Thanks for the suggestions/feedback 

[Loosestrife]

  this is hard, I think that maintaining NC is the best option. If someone is still contacting you after 4 weeks them reopening lines of communication is only asking for trouble from someone who can't respect your decision

[Skip]

I know most members' advice is N/C at all costs.

Let's break it down instead.

Generally speaking, when you break up there has to be a severing of the relationship. That is usually N/C period.  Its doesn't sound like that has happened. You know that has to happen.

He is hurting and he is trying to reach out. You're a lovely caring person and you have compassion for him.  Good for you.

So how do you balance these two things?

My suggestion might be to buy time. At 6 weeks you are just getting into the severing period - it will all feel different at 12.

I need some space right now. Calling me and leaving messages is making me feel very uncomfortable. We can certainly talk again and be friends in the future. Now, I just need you to stop contacting me for the rest of the summer.

Do you need to add this "it's over between us"?  It really depends on the person.

[apollotech]

Hi Yolanda,

Wow, more decisions! I'm one of the few here who is not an advocate of NC no matter what. That being said, I am an advocate for the efficient application of NC in order for the Non to heal/regroup. NC is a tool, and should be used/applied accordingly.

You have made your decision not to re-engage him in a relationship. That seems to me to be a cognitive decision moreso than an emotional decision (You can answer that for yourself.). NC is generally applied so the Non can regain his/her emotional health. You are very fresh out of the relationship. So, where are you at in that area, your emotional recovery? Can you control your emotions if/when you communicate with him? Will this possible communication set you back in the recovery process?

It's not only about his pain; it's about your pain as well. Take care of yourself. Whatever decision you make, make sure that the decision is one that you accept and can live with.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Yolanda-

You're clear that the relationship is over and you don't want one with him, so it's helpful to make it all about you and your needs.  There's nothing sacred about not communicating, it's just a tool we use to detach, although you do say you've already said everything there is to say, so what could you add now?  You say you have a hard time ignoring him; why is that?  Do you feel guilty?  Do you feel you owe him something?  Does his communication reawaken the compassion you had for him in the relationship?  It could be fruitful to dig there and see what's really going on with you, his motives seem clear, a borderline railing against the loss of an attachment, but there may be a growth opportunity for you as you cut ties with him.

But if you have something to tell me, I'm available to listen.

That's an open door and may prove encouraging to him.  You could say that you need some time apart for you own reasons and please respect that, although if he does exhibit traits of the disorder, some tools may be necessary, like short, unemotional communication until he gives up, along the lines of 'please do no contact me' and that's it, explanations may not be necessary and may exacerbate things.

[Yolanda123]

Thanks everyone   I'm taking all your advice into consideration and I sure need to think some more before I decide anything.

Yes, cognitively I know I don't want a Relationship with him. I know there can only be more pain. I want trust, sincerity, stability and respect in a Relationship and I know that I can't have that with him. I still feel emotionally vulnerable and I am afraid of the outcome of a conversation on my recovery. Sure, hearing his voice and the hurt awoke compassion and guilt - I do not like the idea that he's in pain and that I'm ignoring him. Feeling that I could in some way relieve his pain by talking to him.

But I know that I have to put myself first.

I am gonna sleep on that

Thanks so much again for the support 

[Yolanda123]

I haven't replied to him. Not talking to him is my protection, I'm too afraid of what might happen if I reply... .more hurt. At times I feel like it's the best thing to do, but then comes the doubt, what if we could talk one last time and end this positively? Why do I feel this need at times to let him know that I do care about him? Why do I care about how he feels? He does not care about how I feel.

I'm so tired of hurting. So tired of thinking of him most of the time. Tired of feeling sad and guilty that I am ignoring him.

I know that I need to shift the focus from him to me. It works for some time, and I feel strong, I am proud that I chose myself, and that feels good, but why do I feel like I'm back to square one so often, back to crying and missing him?

My head says one thing and why does my heart have such a hard time following? I'm very tired of this fight. When does this fight between head and emotions stop?

[Skip]

When does this fight between head and emotions stop?

Be patient.  This is a long part of the journey.

[Yolanda123]

Thanks Skip. I am learning patience. I know that some things need time. It's just very tiring.