Just relating these things helps my sanity

[Lost Out]

So first I want to say thanks to you all on this board, it is so helpful to have a place to go where I can read the very similar stories and post mine too. It is so therapeutic during this incredibly tough period.

Last November, my last time going out with my exBPD GF, we went to a hockey game. as we walked to the arena from the parking garage I could sense something was going to happen. The body language was undeniable. We watched the game, had a decent time I thought. Then we get back in to my car, she is driving, and oh man she almost plows in to the gate at the parking garage. I tell her to stop, like I would anyone who was driving and not paying attention. Now she is fired up, we race out of the garage, people everywhere, I think she is going to hit someone, I ask her to slow down, which makes it worse. we are going up the ramp to get on the freeway, cars are stopped ahead of us, she is about to plow in to a stopped car. I tell her to stop again, she does. Now I can see the rage is boiling. So at this point I decide to do something different, instead of getting in to it with her and moving away, I decide to move forward. I reach over and put my hand on her shoulder and say "everything is going to be alright". So we make it to my house, we get out of the car and I decide to make light of the situation and say "awesome driving", jokingly, like I would to anyone who had a sense of right and wrong and realized that their behavior was a bit messed up. Well apparently this was not the right thing to do. The volcano blew to it's maximum force. So I went in my house and she went home.

The next night she calls me on face time. I have never seen such anguish on someone's face. This beautiful girl was in immense pain. As we talked about the night before, me expecting some kind of acknowledgement, which was idiotic, and her telling me it was all my fault and that she has never ever gotten a ticket in her life. Like that is the issue. I mention to her that I had put my hand on her shoulder the night before and tried to soothe her. She was totally unaware of that gesture and asked when I did that? this was the first time I realized that there was dissociation going on, she was not really there that night, she was gone.

The next Friday we were supposed to go to a corporate function of mine, she didn't show up so I texted her and asked if she is coming or not? She said she didn't know if I wanted her to go to which I told her that I had asked her once to go and as an adult asking her to go once should be enough. I really didn't want to have to plead with her and get I to the drama. So I left and went myself. Another of a long line of events that were ruined. Vacations, birthdays, holidays, visits from relatives etc.

So that was it, I just shut down completely. I just went on with my life as if nothing had ever happened. Total NC. I didn't have any idea this was what we were supposed to do. I just did it. Christmas came and went, her birthday on New Years came and went, I was just in complete protective mode. Not aware that I was, I just felt like I was my old self again instantly. Complete denial for sure.

Then I received a text in January from her telling me her dog had died and thanking me for being good to the dog over our time together. Then the last sentence was "but I know you don't want anything to do with me". a classic. So I ignored that.  Then came the texts to my daughter asker her to "talk some sense in to your father". We ignored that.

A few months go by and she posts on my daughters FB page a photo of her and her new BF. (I should have had my kids defriend her much earlier). Well at that moment I just came out of my denial in an instant and went in to my current, what I call PTSD, period, which has gone on for about a month now. I cannot believe how very low I have been. I have been jealous of her and the new BF, insanely jealous. I have lost 20 pounds, no sleep, and I just keep reliving all of the incidents in our relationship in my mind over and over. I think of the wonderful times we had which were many. This board helps a lot by allowing me to vent and type it out. I want to get her back, I never want to see her again, then I want her back, then I hope she fails in the new "relationship", then I have a good day, then an awful one. I am back on the roller coaster... .I think I got off for a while, but I was just waiting in line to get back on.

This has been the most incredibly agonizing experience of my life. I wonder if this is what the BPD person feels all the time? If so it has to be an extremely difficult way to be and I sympathize with them for sure. I am now getting therapy which is been helpful so far, but difficult. I can imagine that for the BPD person therapy must be incredibly difficult, to peel back all of those layers. Its hard for me, but for them it must be excruciating. So I have compassion for them, I need more for me I think.

Thanks everyone,

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Lost Out, It seems to me like you have suppressed a lot of feelings surrounding your b/u and I'm wondering if you might feel better if you had an outlet for your emotions.  Perhaps you could write about them in a journal?  Or have coffee or a beer with a friend or family member to talk over the issues?  Or see a T?  First step is to recognize and acknowledge your feelings.  Next step is to process them in some fashion, perhaps in one of the ways I mention.

LuckyJim

[cloudten]

A few months go by and she posts on my daughters FB page a photo of her and her new BF. (I should have had my kids defriend her much earlier). Well at that moment I just came out of my denial in an instant and went in to my current, what I call PTSD, period, which has gone on for about a month now. I cannot believe how very low I have been. I have been jealous of her and the new BF, insanely jealous. I have lost 20 pounds, no sleep, and I just keep reliving all of the incidents in our relationship in my mind over and over. I think of the wonderful times we had which were many. This board helps a lot by allowing me to vent and type it out. I want to get her back, I never want to see her again, then I want her back, then I hope she fails in the new "relationship", then I have a good day, then an awful one. I am back on the roller coaster... .I think I got off for a while, but I was just waiting in line to get back on.

This has been the most incredibly agonizing experience of my life. I wonder if this is what the BPD person feels all the time? If so it has to be an extremely difficult way to be and I sympathize with them for sure. I am now getting therapy which is been helpful so far, but difficult. I can imagine that for the BPD person therapy must be incredibly difficult, to peel back all of those layers. Its hard for me, but for them it must be excruciating. So I have compassion for them, I need more for me I think.

Thanks everyone,

This could be the story of my life, Lost Out.  It does sound like you have repressed your feelings, and now you are possibly having to face them. I'm so sorry.  Your feelings make sense... .completely. Not only do I hear you, but I understand why you feel the way you do. You are not crazy for feeling the way you do. 

I too went through PTSD with the first breakup and his new girlfriend. My hair fell out, I lost weight, I drank more, I didn't sleep, I even became promiscuous (eek).  I wish I could give you some magic cure that worked for me. Time. Blocking him in every way possible. Taking trips. focusing on my daughter... .those are all things that help me. Working out helps too.

It always breaks my heart when I read stories eerily similar to mine, such as yours. Many hugs. Be good to yourself. Post here when you need to.   

[Lost Out]

Thanks for the encouragement. I just wish I could stop my brain from trying to make sense of the nonsense. The wonderful incredible awesome fun we had, we had women coming up to us saying how "incredible we looked together", they were envious. But then my GF being triggered and ruining it. It is the craziest thing I have ever experienced. Its true, it's a bucket with a big hole in the bottom, it can never be filled, BPD can never be satisfied... .never.

[myself]

Lost Out, Lucky Jim as usual has some really good advice. I'd add look into the different stages of grieving, because that seems to be a big piece of what's going on. Sometimes "it is what it is" is as close as we'll get to making sense of this. Keeping the focus on yourself will help the most.

[Lost Out]

Thanks, I am sure this whole BPD relationship has stirred up other long repressed issues and now I am having to deal with those as well. I can't work, eat, sleep. I understand the "it is what it is" intellectually, but there is something much deeper going on here... .I just can't get it... .it's right there below the surface... .

[Lucky Jim]

there is something much deeper going on here... .I just can't get it... .it's right there below the surface... .

Hey Lost Out, Agree,something else is probably going on, which is all the more reason to sit with your feelings and do some thinking from the neck down.  What are your gut feelings?  You can drive yourself crazy trying to "figure out" a BPD r/s, because by definition BPD is extremely complex and counter-intuitive, not to mention that pwBPD are often irrational and unreasonable.  Give yourself a break.  It's quite normal and expected for a BPD r/s to open old wounds.  Now is your chance to heal them and lighten the burden in your personal backpack.

LuckyJim