Want to learn how to handle BPD episodes

[abh]

Hi,

My 30 year old granddaughter has BPD and I am most interested in learning how to handle things when she gets out of control.  She will ring my phone forever, last night it was 32 times.  I want to know how you control this.   She makes threatening remarks whick I cannot handle any more.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi abh,

I'm so glad that you are here looking for help!

We have many skills that we practice to improve our relationships with our loved ones' who suffer with BPD.  One of the main skills is validation.  The goal of validation would be for your granddaughter to feel heard and understood.  When she feels heard and understood it may alleviate her emotionally so that she doesn't elevate her behaviors and get out of control.

We also have to learn to set limits and value based boundaries to create a safe place for ourselves so that we can remain in relationship with our loved ones.  32 times is a lot!  My daughter 18 yrs. old, can sometimes be impulsive and if I don't answer the phone she will call right back.  I have enforced to her that it isn't necessary, that as soon as I find I missed her call or am free to call her back I will. 

The Tools section on the right side of the page has some info on both validation and boundaries with links to workshops. 

What do you think was behind her calling 32 times last night?  Was there something going on that she was upset about or needed?

lbj

[MammaMia]

abh

Yes, the phone can become a weapon.  My son would call 20 me times a day when stressed.  This behavior is definitely motivated by anxiety, fear, loneliness, or some other emotion he could not handle... .even something he read online or heard on the news. If he could not reach me, he would panic.

Did your gd indicate why she was calling?  Was she threatening to harm herself?  Suicidal ideation is common with BPD, but it should not be ignored.  Does she live near you, and is she receiving treatment?

What was your response to her calls?

[twojaybirds]

My dd21 has gone through the phone calling as well.

I learned that sometimes it is only to hear a voice, even your message, at the other end.

I keep my ringer off when I don't want to answer the phone.

I don't read texts either.

I will wait, an hour, a day even and text back with a short SET response.

Over time her calls have decreased. I believe she is understanding boundaries more.

If I have not heard from her for a week I will text a short, 2sentence, upbeat text.

Another thought is to get a second phone and giver her that number, blocking her from your "regular" phone.  That way you can live your life with your phone and only take her assigned phone as you wish.

[Theo41]

I'm not an expert in this area but here are a couple of ideas:

1. Turn your ringer and answering machine off for several hours at a time... .when you dont want to deal with calls or the messages.

2. Ask her to communicate with you by e mail.

3. Have an appointed time each week when you can talk. Other than that she should only call in emergency situations.

I hope you may find one or more of these ideas helpful or that they may lead you to another satisfactory solution. Theo