Giving up and grieving...

[Herodias]

I feel that I must finally give up and thoughts of anything working out ever in my marriage. As I post things here on this site, I realize how bad my life has really been the past 9 years and I know I need to give it up and move on. I think I kept researching and trying to find an answer to help me "fix" things, but it isn't in my power to do so. I tried to lure him back these last couple of weeks and it worked temporarily, because I became the person he missed from the beginning of the relationship. But I don't want to have to keep this up all the time - it is exhausting! As well as demeaning to myself... .I do actually feel better to know that he will remember he lost that person and not the one that was so miserable at the end of last year. I hate that he is love-bombing a new person! I hate that he is going on another vacation with her in just a matter of months! I am satisfied to know that it will not be a fun trip for her, since they are already fighting. I have been there and know every way he is in different situations. I know him better than anybody! Even his own family! I think this girl will stay with him no matter what. I am just sickened that my fantasy marriage is over. I loved him so much- obviously too much and he doesn't even know what he has lost- or doesn't really care. I think he realizes some of it, but he can't face all he did to me. He says it was too much to forget.  I am so lonely and even though there are supposed to be so many people out there to meet... .why is it so hard? Why are people that cheat on their spouses all getting together and acting like they re so happy and in relationships that are meant to be- maybe they are... .cheaters deserve each other - I can't but hope they are miserable eventually. I know I am supposed to want the best for someone I love- but honestly... .I just can't anymore. I am tired of giving and giving- Everyone keeps telling me to quit dwelling on this. They said pick a date to be done. How is that even possible? I am trying to move on. I am joining groups, churches, working out, volunteering and starting a new hobby. I just can't stop thinking about my husband with someone else! It makes me physically sick! I wish a great big cry would take it all out of me, but my heart hurts. It hurts really bad.  Thanks for listening : (