I messed up big time. Please help me fix this

[Lovingme35]

For the last month me and my bfwBPD have been on the outs. He mentioned the breakup a couple of weeks ago and the cycle started. We have done this many times, but this time it was different. Although distant, we still kept in touch and saw each other on the weekends. Last Friday, he went out with a male friend of his. They met up with his female neighbor and her friend that she tried to hook him up with. I was so hurt, I went and opened up my online dating profile. This past week I went out on a date.

Last night me and bfwBPD went out. We had the best time. We haven't had a night like that in a long time. This morning he asked me if I had gone out on a date with anyone and stupidly I said yes. He flipped out and now wants to end things. Not because I went out, but because I didn't tell him about it in advance. I did tell him last weekend about opening up the online profile. I don't know how to fix things or stop this cycle

I should have given him space. I was the one initiating all of the contact. We are supposed to meet tomorrow to discuss things a little further and give each other our stuff back. I know from the past to remain calm and unemotional. He asked if we could still be friends and I said no. His attitude changed dramatically when I said that. We ended with him going to work. He gave me a kiss and said that we would meet tomorrow. Any recommendations or help would be appreciated.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

 

OK... .let's look at big picture. 

If you guys have broken up... or are apart... .why discuss you dating... .or not dating with him... .at all?

That's your business... not his.  It works the other way too... .if you are apart... .best not to keep tabs on him.

Much better to take this stance... than to create a deception.

So... .would you like to go out with him?  The "tactics" I would suggest to you depend on where you would like the r/s to go.

Has he been diagnosed?

FF

[Lovingme35]

OK... .let's look at big picture. 

If you guys have broken up... or are apart... .why discuss you dating... .or not dating with him... .at all?

That's your business... not his.  It works the other way too... .if you are apart... .best not to keep tabs on him.

Much better to take this stance... than to create a deception.

So... .would you like to go out with him?  The "tactics" I would suggest to you depend on where you would like the r/s to go.

Has he been diagnosed?

FF

He has not been diagnosed. We were in therapy for a couple of months and our therapist highly suspected that he has it, but did not mention it to him. I want to repair our relationship. I am not ready to go NC with him. That is what is going to happen if things don't go well tomorrow. I really don't want to date other people, but he keeps saying that I am not the one for him. I know that he is confused and needs time to think. How do I give him the space without loosing him?

[Lovingme35]

The thing that scares me the most is going NC. I don't want to go through that again. I have one chance to turn this around. Everything I do or say tomorrow will be critical.

[formflier]

  I have one chance to turn this around. Everything I do or say tomorrow will be critical.

I don't believe this to be true... .

Yes... .tomorrow is important... .but not make or break... "forever"

OK... what do you want to do tomorrow?

Do you understand the point of view I was showing... .about not talking about dates and other r/s?

FF

[Lovingme35]

  I have one chance to turn this around. Everything I do or say tomorrow will be critical.

I don't believe this to be true... .

Yes... .tomorrow is important... .but not make or break... "forever"

OK... what do you want to do tomorrow?

Do you understand the point of view I was showing... .about not talking about dates and other r/s?

FF

We are supposed to talk while I help him pack to move. I was labeled as black today. I want to change that to white. I realize that I can't get major changes in one day, but I don't want him to drop all contact with me. I only said that I wanted to cut off all contact today because I wanted to scare him. He wanted me to take all of my things and leave until I said that. Then he agreed to meet tomorrow.

I understand your point of view. I am so mad at myself for talking about it. Things were getting better this past week. I feel so stupid

[formflier]

I feel so stupid

The good thing... is you have bpdfamily to lean on... .we are here for you.

The confusing feelings caused by chasing around the feelings and actions of a pwBPD traits are certainly going to make anyone feel stupid... .confused... .exhausted... .lost... .

Honestly... .the best way to handle this is to detach from their feelings... .and attach to you own.  Then... .be consistent in making decisions and taking actions that support what you think is healthy for your feelings... .

Be mindful of staying away from extreme swings... .focus on being the "solid center".

Even after you do all this... .most pwBPD traits will still swing back and forth... in a seeming attempt to get you out of the center.  If you stay there... .usually their swing subside some. 

So... .what can you say and do tomorrow that clearly communicates that you want him to stay... .? 

Remember... you don't want these actions to an extreme shift to you... .and you want them to go to a place where you can stay... .and not have to shift mindsets... again... and again...

Hope this makes sense... .I'll check back later to see what ideas you have come up with...

 

You can do this... .

FF

[Lovingme35]

I feel so stupid

The good thing... is you have bpdfamily to lean on... .we are here for you.

The confusing feelings caused by chasing around the feelings and actions of a pwBPD traits are certainly going to make anyone feel stupid... .confused... .exhausted... .lost... .

Honestly... .the best way to handle this is to detach from their feelings... .and attach to you own.  Then... .be consistent in making decisions and taking actions that support what you think is healthy for your feelings... .

Be mindful of staying away from extreme swings... .focus on being the "solid center".

Even after you do all this... .most pwBPD traits will still swing back and forth... in a seeming attempt to get you out of the center.  If you stay there... .usually their swing subside some. 

So... .what can you say and do tomorrow that clearly communicates that you want him to stay... .? 

Remember... you don't want these actions to an extreme shift to you... .and you want them to go to a place where you can stay... .and not have to shift mindsets... again... and again...

Hope this makes sense... .I'll check back later to see what ideas you have come up with...

 

You can do this... .

FF

Thank you for this! After reading this, I feel even more confident in my decision. I decided not to meet him tomorrow. I don't think anything good would come of it. I am stopping the scheduled explosion that is bound to come. We both need some time to think about what we want and how to move forward. A couple of days of NC would be good for the both of us. I have already sent the text saying that I need some time to think and he responded that he understood and that work was a nightmare. Will keep you posted!

[formflier]

 

Slowing things down when making big r/s decisions is usually a good thing... .!

Looking forward to hearing more from you!

FF

[Lovingme35]

I just wanted to give an update on whats been going on. Since writing to my ex that I didn't think it would be a good idea to see each other on Sunday, he freaked out and started questioning what I was doing all day. When I didn't take the bait, he calmed and wished me a good night. The next morning he sent me all the pics he took of us on Friday. That night was the first Sunday we have not spent together in a long time. I was meeting a girlfriend for dinner close to his house. I freaked out and sent him a couple of messages hinting that I would be in the area. After dinner when I got a hold of myself, I let him know I was headed home and he wished me a good night. I was hurt that he didn't try to stop me and ended up crying myself to sleep for even sending the messaging in the first place.

Monday morning he sent me a funny video clip on Facebook that I playfully responded to, and last night he sent me another one. I decided not to respond to that one. He could clearly see that I had viewed it. I felt like he was just making sure I was still available and didn't like giving him that reassurance after his previous actions. Today nothing so far, but I'm ok with it. I just keep having to stop myself from contacting him. I know he needs his space. I just need to learn to take my own advice. By the way, I am done with the online dating crap. My date from last week turned out to be a real piece of work.