I'm on my last straw with my inLaws

[Hope45]

I have known my wife's parents (almost 8 years of marriage) for almost a decade.  For the most part they are great people and I can honestly say that even with my MILs uBPD, she still has so amazing qualities.

However, a few years ago... .my father in law was falsely accused by some of my mother in laws siblings.  The accusations are so false and yet they have brought pain and confusion to the entire family.

My MIL doesn't sleep and my father in law plays the game of "I'm riding the waves."  When it's good, he talks about how this time is different and how happy she is.  But when the waves come down, the mood is about "how bad its getting" and so on.

A few months ago I spent two months writing a letter to my FIL.  A letter I wasn't sure I'd ever send him.  However we are relatively close and I felt called to write it.  As a christian it was pretty amazing to write this letter.  I'm not naturally the most gifted writer, but the words and sentences seem to have some kind of amazing Devine intervention.  Even my wife said that she couldn't believe how well I wrote this without having some kind of help.

That being said, because of this drama (false accusation) things have become quite depressing on this side of the family.  I feel like its taken all my focus from my side of the family (which is mostly sane) and has indirectly caused me to neglect the people who love me and want to spend time with me.

My MIL for as long as I've known her, has had uBPD like behavior, but it was after these accusations where things just really went south.  Like I said, I'm very close to my FIL, we've shared some very personal struggles with each other... .which in turn has allowed me to have a great relationship with him.

However these past few years have really taken a lot of me.  I deeply care about these people because most of the time they are great.  However, in these past few years I barely see my FIL anymore.  We barely talk on the phone and our relationship has deeply suffered, as well as other relationships such as my wife's with her parents.

I guess what I'm asking is simply this.  The books talk about not doing interventions.  However, in this case I feel like if something doesn't change, or if we don't approach them we are going to lose some people we truly love.  I know in some cases people hate their parents with these conditions, but in my case I don't feel like I hate them.  I hate the behavior, but don't hate them.  I love spending time with them, but the things I cherished with them are slowly fading away because this drama somehow is directly or indirectly effecting EVERYTHING!

I feel like if I go no contact, it will ultimately kill her.  If I do nothing she's ultimately going to die. So in my mind I feel like I have to be as aggressive as I can to save a life, because I really don't have many options left.  I know my wife and I want to feel like if she does pass away over this, then we at least want to know we tried and did everything.

Any thoughts, advice, or comments greatly appreciated.

[Kwamina]

Welcome back here Hope45

I think it's great that in spite of all the difficulties you are also still able to see the positive qualities of your uBPD MIL. We describe several communication techniques on this site that might help you interact with your inlaws, such as Validation. There are also some techniques specifically designed for communication with people with BPD that can help you speak your truth and assert yourself, while minimizing the chance of further conflict:

COMMUNICATION: S.E.T. technique

COMMUNICATION: D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique

The acronym S.E.T. stands for Support, Empathy and Truth:

The S.E.T. communication pattern was developed by Jerold J. Kreisman, MD and Hal Straus for communication with a person with BPD (pwBPD). It consists of a 3 step sequence where first Support is signaled, then Empathy is demonstrated and in a third step Truth is offered.

The acronym D.E.A.R.M.A.N. stands for Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindfully (keep your focus), Apear (confident) and Negotiate:

D.E.A.R.M.A.N. is used when you have an objective, you want something specific, such as to get more sleep, to have help with the chores, to affect a change or to say NO to a request. You want the other person to come away feeling good about you and not full of resentment. This preserves the relationship. You also want to protect or even enhance your self respect.

... .

The key to acquire the skill for DEARMAN lies NOT in following the letters. It lies in learning the underlying skills and practicing them well enough to then being able to steer a conversation through DEARMAN. When looking at DEARMAN it is clear that we are to express needs for change.

... .

DEARMAN is valuable skill that at its very core boils down to:

We have a right to ask for change - the other side may or may not agree, that is fine too.

When owning up to our requests, staying respectful and focused on what we want we improve our chances for affecting change.

Perhaps applying these techniques can improve the relationship you have with your inlaws.

Dealing with someone with BPD can indeed take quite a toll on you as you unfortunately have also experienced yourself. Do you feel like you are able to take proper care of your own well-being and are able to at least now and then re-charge your batteries?