The Current Relationship... Triangulation and Facebook

[Herodias]

I wonder if anyone has any thoughts or experience with their spouses they are separated from and their latest "victims". My husband's gf is posting love-bombed comments all over FB open to the public to see. Possibly trying to make her husband jealous- she may even be BPD herself! It is that or she is extremely immature at 27! She is trying to get him to move in with her- she is talking marriage and babies after 3 months! Constantly! Last night she tagged him in an article about how to know your current bf should be your husband! They are not even divorced! I wonder what he thinks of all of this? He has told me that he is not interested in getting married again, and doesn't want kids. Of course he could be lying to me. He tells me he want to remain married to me- which may protect him from another marriage -who knows. He says we "might" decide to get back together. He says he is not happy... .but then he has to be telling her a load of crap as well. By my being "friends w/ benefits" with him, am I helping him get along with her? I am not going to continue- just wanted him to have a taste of what he is missing... .and I was missing him. He wants to talk with me allot, but as much as I want to hear about his downward spiraling life since he has left me (and it is) I don't think I should be so available. I want him to decide to get help- but I am not counting on it... .any thoughts on what is going on here? I have told him I have both of them blocked, but I am not sure he believes it or not. I am trying not to let on I know what she is posting, even though it is torturing me to not say anything. Of course while she's posting this crap- he is emailing me saying he is thinking about me! I told him actions speak louder than words and he is proving who he really is to me that way, He called himself " and evil devil"... .They are going on vacation together in a few days... .I hope all the time together and in the car will prove to be a disaster! I just can't help that I want her to see the real him!

[blissful_camper]

Hi Herodias,

This must be a confusing and upsetting dynamic for you.  I can understand your feelings of concern for your husband.  And at the same time being confused by his choices and behavior.  It's painful to see loved ones behaving in ways that are hurtful to those who are close to them.  

How do you feel about limiting contact with him so that you can give yourself a break from what sounds like an unhealthy situation, giving yourself space to figure out what you want and what is best for you?  

[leroux1818]

She will. She will see the real him. Perhaps she has already. My soon to be Ex wife has replaced me with a loser idiot, who is ugly and ignorant. I was--and am--completely shattered by this revelation. I scoured the internet for anything to help. I found an article about spouses who downgrade to a loser after us. It basically said that they find people closer to their own emotional level, which will lead to more misery. For me, I struggled with fears and hurts like: does she love this guy? Do they cuddle? Is he as smart as me? What could this jerk offer her that I can't? Will she change for him? The answer is No. You are right when you say "victim" that's all she is. But it really does sound like he's still trying to keep you around without the ability to consider your feelings. My heart goes out to you. It is a nightmare. My ex still wants to keep me around for conversations and such. But, it was B.S. I deserve more than that. And so do you. We're not dolls someone can take off the shelf and play with whenever they want.

I'm not sure if I helped here. I am new on BPD family, but I am trying to make efforts to reach out, help and seek help. If you need anything else, or clarification, please don't hesitate to ask.

This too, shall pass. Treat yourself well!

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Herodias-

I've been in the situation you're in, and it is not fun.  At all.  I'm sorry you're in it and feeling what you are.

He says we "might" decide to get back together.

I have told him I have both of them blocked, but I am not sure he believes it or not. I am trying not to let on I know what she is posting, even though it is torturing me to not say anything.

I want him to decide to get help- but I am not counting on it... .any thoughts on what is going on here?

What's going on here is you're giving him a lot of power and you're engaging in the drama, understandable, but maybe not the best course for you in the long run?

Another way might be to decide what you want and need in a relationship, then decide if you can get it from him on a sustainable basis, then act accordingly.  Simple but powerful.

Do you know right now whether or not you can get your wants and needs met by him?  As blissful says, it may be helpful to give yourself some distance from the situation for a while, to get your feet on the ground and your head straight, so you can make some strong decisions from a centered place; is that possible?  Selfishness is your friend right now.  Take care of you!

[Herodias]

Thanks all... .I think what I want to do is distance myself again and see what plays out. I did no contact for a month. I missed him. He came right back, but not fully. He needs to go through what he is doing apparently. I do have thoughts in mind if he were to ever say that he wants to work it out. Plans of change that would have to happen in both of us. It is just freaking me out that this idiot thinks she is going to marry him! I hope it is freaking him out as well! I realize he is leading her to believe she is everything to him, but if she only knew he is still involved with me. I refuse to run her off like I did with other women he started to become involved with in the past. This has gone way further because we are separated and not my place to stop it. I am not sure what I want- you are right to tell me to step back and figure it out. I know he loves me, but I am not sure why... .I also am not sure why I am putting up with it, except that my family has a history of mental illness and I seem to accept things more than other people I guess.

[blissful_camper]

Giving yourself needed space and time to reflect and focus on you is healthy.  Perhaps as you sort through your thoughts and feelings you'll come to a place where you want to explore that further.  What do you miss about him?  I'm sure that he must have redeemable qualities or you wouldn't have stayed in the marriage.  Sometimes making a list of those qualities, as well as the ones that don't align with your core values, is helpful. 

How does his lifestyle and the ways in which he interacts with you align with your core values?  Yes, perhaps he has attracted exactly what he needs at this time.  But what about you?  Where do you fit into the equation?  What are you gaining from your exposure to his lifestyle and your interaction with him? 

You're correct, it's not your place to stop it.  That said,  if you wish to end the triangulation step out of this mess.  You said you know he loves you but that you aren't sure why.  What do you mean by that?  Can you expand a bit more?  I think that your insight as to why you are accepting and tolerant is an important one. 

[fromheeltoheal]

I also am not sure why I am putting up with it,

There you go, great focus.  Also, remember that borderlines are focused on attachments and the loss of them, abandonment, and if you stopped communicating with him for a while, you abandoned him in his head, and if this other gal is saying she wants to marry him she's going in the other direction, so she's going to seem safer and more trustworthy; i.e. less likely to abandon him, although borderlines are convinced everyone will eventually anyway.  Borderlines hate to lose attachments too, so he'll reach out to see if one is still there with you, even though he probably trusts you less now, and will be all for retaining that attachment even though he's got others, spreads the risk of abandonment out.  It's up to you to decide if you want to continue that and if it changes it's because you changed it.