BPD's drawn to cheat

[LifeExperience]

Did anyone else feel like their BPD could easily be swayed into cheating by the opposite sex? My BPDex worked in the corporate world. She is incredibly smart and beautiful. Yet I always got the feeling that she gave off this vibe of being available and willing to cheat if she was pursued. I witnessed it a few times when around other very successful men. She would immediately ask them about their careers and become enamored with them. She also would tell me stories about higher up men she worked with and how all they cared about was their power and money… how they weren't ethical, etc... yet I still got the feeling if she was propositioned, she would have felt needed and important to the point she probably would have done anything the man wanted. I know of at least two instances with guys that were questionable at best with her cheating(not in workplace.) So I'm not wondering if cheating occurred. More of a feeling that she was a the whim of any powerful man that showed interest in her. And how her idealization could change from me being the focus to some other men so quickly…

[leroux1818]

Yes, I did. My soon to be ex-wife cheated on me three times two two different men before we got married. I know, RED FLAG! , but hell, I believed she could change, and I was willing to do anything to support her. But, I think she hated herself so much, thought of herself as so repugnant, that attention from these idiots--and they were idiots. Uneducated, and ugly--she'd do anything to keep that attention. That included hurting me. We've been separated now for almost a year, and I just found out she has replaced me. This whole time, I thought we could work things out, and she's been sleeping around with more than one guy. She wouldn't tell me the details. I'm not sure if she was ashamed, but she was sobbing when i confronted her. She said she wanted to be alone to face her fear of being alone, and guess what? She can't be alone. So, lots of B.S. Who knows? Someone was giving her attention, and she needed that validation. The pain still lingers. Please for give the rambling. I opened the floodgate.

[Technique]

I experienced this too. Whenever she spoke to the loaded landlord of the flat she lived in she was almost gushing. I'm not the jealous type but I did find it irritating. That was in fact, one of the first red flags I recognised. There were several other similar incidents too...

She was /is attracted to a certain profile of man. Idealization compounded further when the respective party illustrated little or no interest in her.

It's threads like this which make me realise how darn happy I am she's no longer in my life.

Kudos...

[apollotech]

More of a feeling that she was a the whim of any powerful man that showed interest in her. And how her idealization could change from me being the focus to some other men so quickly…

Yes, my BPDexgf could fall into infatuation with any man that said hello to her. I witnessed it a few times, once with a very nice elderly gentleman, probably in his eighties (she was 47 at the time), that was just being nice to her and making conversation. She raved about him for a week. When a man addresses her in a complimentary way she will post it on Facebook (lots of NPD crossover). She has little or no impulse control. I know that I wasn't the only one that picked up on this because all of her married female friends actively kept her away from their respective husbands.

BPD is a severe "attachment" disorder. I think we often view/examine the disorder but forget that the broken attachment component drives their behavior. Promiscuity is listed as one of the possible reckless behaviors associated with BPD.

[milo1967]

I divorced my XW of eleven years when she would not stop having an affair first behind my back and then in my face--all the while blaming me for it. While I do not believe she ever cheated on me throughout our marriage (a largely happy one as far as I am concerned), I realize this was always the consistent pattern of her many relationships prior to ours: she would fall all over a new guy, idealizing him until she met the next one, would cheat on and then leave the poor first guy for the new one, and repeat. I just lasted the longest because we had kids. She is now marrying my replacement. Good luck with that.

Related to this: XW always over-idealized every new person who came into her life. The new co-worker was amazing, her long lost soulmate. Her new boss was just the most incredible person she'd ever worked for. The new friend was the the greatest person in the world. I would listen incredulously as she raved, telling her gently, "You just met this person; you barely know her/him!" And in time this person, having been placed on a pedestal, would inevitably reveal him/herself to be human and therefore flawed, and suddenly they would topple off the pedestal. It was very childish and in hindsight, ominous. Attach, detach, devalue.

I am of course the devil, having dared to divorce her.

[LifeExperience]

Interesting responses. 

Found the same exact behavior in my exBPD milo1967. Anybody new in her life was the most interesting/wonderful person she's ever met. I always felt she was always looking for a back up plan while in the relationship. Almost anticipating failure.

apollotech, totally agree with the lack of impulse control. One of the main reasons why I felt she was at the whim of any successful man in her life.

And I see what you're saying Technique about not really being jealous, yet almost in awe that she would display that behavior openly and in front of me. As if she was unaware or maybe didn't care/to provoke jealousy? And as you said without a doubt, it was always a specific profile of a man.

[sadmermaid]

Hi. My husband is the same. We had been together for a month when I caugh him turning his head and staring at young women  the first time.  He was 44 and still would look at 17 year old girls, or 30 years old tops. Six years later, I can tell you he has lust for other women, which hurts me a lot because he is the only onè I feel sexual with, and he also cheated on me at least once that I know, with some slut who was 20 years younger than him. He used to tell me that looking was "innocent", but ome thing i know for sure: I don't look at other men or lust after them because  I am attached to my husband deeply and don't need anybody else beside him... .so I know very well that since he was looking at women, the opposite had to be true: i wasn't the Only one.  Infidelity happens when you are not really attached to your partner, when  you don't  carry him in your heart all the time, like normally attached people do.

[hopealways]

Absolutely. They are seducers, it is part of their survival complex.  They get validation from seduction and it fills their inner emptiness.

[Alberto]

Hi. My husband is the same. We had been together for a month when I caugh him turning his head and staring at young women  the first time.  He was 44 and still would look at 17 year old girls, or 30 years old tops. Six years later, I can tell you he has lust for other women, which hurts me a lot because he is the only onè I feel sexual with, and he also cheated on me at least once that I know, with some slut who was 20 years younger than him. He used to tell me that looking was "innocent", but ome thing i know for sure: I don't look at other men or lust after them because  I am attached to my husband deeply and don't need anybody else beside him... .so I know very well that since he was looking at women, the opposite had to be true: i wasn't the Only one.  Infidelity happens when you are not really attached to your partner, when  you don't  carry him in your heart all the time, like normally attached people do.

They absolutely can be attached and cheat. It falls squarely in the impulsivity and self harm symptoms.

[C.Stein]

Did anyone else feel like their BPD could easily be swayed into cheating by the opposite sex?

Yes, absolutely felt this way.  In addition to being highly sexual my ex likes sexual type attention from the opposite sex.  I also felt she can be easily swayed into doing something that she knows is wrong.  Combine that with the propensity for making decisions based on emotions and circumstances of the moment without considering the consequences and what are you left with?  A lot of fear and doubt.

That said, I don't think she physically cheated on me ... .per whatever her definition of that is.

[SandWitch]

Absolutely. They are seducers, it is part of their survival complex.  They get validation from seduction and it fills their inner emptiness.

Mine worked very hard at attracting but they had to make the move.  He was good at creating a strong emotional bond and painting himself as their answer.  He felt the only way to really know someone was to have sex with them.  It gave him control and also made him feel like he healed them.  According to him, an open relationship was the only way our relationship could work?   He needed to be able to have something different. It would help him be nicer to me?  His personality would change with each new person trying to get a piece of him.  This was not revealed to me until after I moved in.  He kept me separate from his acquaintances and co-workers. 

[hashtag_loyal]

My dBPDxgf was pansexual. She would be drawn to any man, woman or transgender who showed any kind of interest. She even went after gay men.

Unlike many of you, my ex almost never flirted with anyone else right in front of me. The only time I can remember was when she brought me to the wedding of a family friend. One of the groomsmen was a guy she had a crush on when she was younger. She asked me if she could dance with him, and he even asked me if it was ok. Of course I was cool with it at the time. Didn't think much of it, but for the next week or so my ex was constantly telling me about this guy and how great he was. Then after a while she started lamenting the fact that he stopped texting her. I bet what happened is that she came on to him, and he might've been the one guy to turn her down. He seemed like a good guy, and was a friend of her family, so I suspect he didn't want to tarnish his image by hooking up with that family's not-so-secret slut.

They absolutely can be attached and cheat. It falls squarely in the impulsivity and self harm symptoms.

This is so true, and the very reason I never saw it coming. My ex was constantly cheating on me, and our r/s never left the idealization phase.

[Itstopsnow]

My ex I never would of dreamed that he would be cheating on me. He acted so affectionate, we had sex often, and he loved my body and thought I was good looking or so he told me. He seemed to think I was out of his league . He told that to his next girlfriend when we broke up. He was socially awkward. Didn't like going out to bars. Never drank, seemed religious , went to mass and prayed the rosary daily. And was cheating all the time. He last girlfriend who also broke up with him. He was dating her while he was dating me. He never seemed to look at girls in front of me. He never flirted with anyone. And he was always attentive when we were together. Would actually ask to sit right next to me at restaurants  rather from across from me. So I was dumbfounded that he was cheating the whole time. But he was cheating while he was a priest . So I shouldn't be surprised .hes been doing for so long

[hashtag_loyal]

My ex I never would of dreamed that he would be cheating on me. He acted so affectionate, we had sex often, and he loved my body and thought I was good looking or so he told me. He seemed to think I was out of his league . He told that to his next girlfriend when we broke up. He was socially awkward. Didn't like going out to bars. Never drank, seemed religious , went to mass and prayed the rosary daily. And was cheating all the time. He last girlfriend who also broke up with him. He was dating her while he was dating me. He never seemed to look at girls in front of me. He never flirted with anyone. And he was always attentive when we were together. Would actually ask to sit right next to me at restaurants  rather from across from me. So I was dumbfounded that he was cheating the whole time. But he was cheating while he was a priest . So I shouldn't be surprised .hes been doing for so long

They sure do compartmentalize well, don't they?

[Thread]

I never felt like this from my BPDh but he is lower on the scale of Bpd. I think if he were less insecure maybe it would be an issue, but it's not. He does omit truths and hide things from me a lot, some minuscule things, some a bit bigger of an issue like ex girlfriends emails. And will lien to my face about replying to them. Even though I read it and the date he responded. So who knows, but I don't believe he ever cheated. As sick as it sounds he hates me so much he loves me too much to do so. hoping to people in a Bpd relationship they understand that statement.