Help drawing a line / creating a boundary with BPD parent

[chuck_taco]

Hello.  I just found this site and am very excited to read and absorb all of this great information and support.  I cannot believe it took me +5 years to just Google "how to tell someone they have borderline personality disorder". 

I am posting because I need some help with a specific situation. I look forward to becoming a contributing member!

My mother has BPD but doesn't know it.  She recently verbally attacked my wife and myself, telling us that her children (my sibling and myself) were happier than my children (one of which, who she was holding, was 7 days old at the time). 

She later almost apologized via email... .a big step for her!   

I thanked her via email for her almost apology and told her I was excited to go on an upcoming vacation with her & my family and that I was hopeful an incident like what happened would never happen again (even though it happens nearly every time we see her).

She responded via email, saying that the incident was actually way harder on her than it was on us, because my wife spoke to her impolitely, triggering the incident, which she didn't.  "I dearly hope that in the future (your wife) will be able to treat me with consideration and respect as I treat her and everyone I deal with."  Thanks mom.

I now need to constructively and positively tell my mother that we will not be going on a vacation with them as a result of all of this.  It would not be healthy for me or my family to be with them right now.  I am using email because with spoken words, my mom re-writes what people say & how they say them.

I have been trying to figure out how detailed I should be, how direct I should be, how empathetic I should be.  This will definitely rock her world and probably push her to demonize my wife even more so I want to be sure to get it right. 

Thank you!

[chuck_taco]

How about something like this:

"Mom, I love you and I cherish our relationship, but it is really stressful and depleting to me emotionally when you unload on me, (wife name) or anyone else in our family.  I love you and I will always love you, but we cannot come to visit you next week.”

[exodus]

I honestly don't foresee a pleasant situation regardless of how you word it.  Just rip off the bandaid and tell her change of plans, we can't bring you along on the trip anymore.  If she asks why, just kindly note that you don't owe her any further explanation.

[chuck_taco]

I honestly don't foresee a pleasant situation regardless of how you word it.  Just rip off the bandaid and tell her change of plans, we can't bring you along on the trip anymore.  If she asks why, just kindly note that you don't owe her any further explanation.

ha ha yes.  this is true.  thank you!  so great to have people dealing with similar personalities here.  thank you.

[Klo]

My advice is to ask her specifically why she felt that your wife was being impolite, to please explain in her own words what she felt was impolite about what your wife said. Even if she makes the whole thing up or has an extreme interpretation or something, it could be worth a lot to show that you do care about what she has experienced (even if it makes no sense to you). But you could possibly end on a solution-oriented note, something like,

"I understand you felt disrespected by my wife, but I believe that you and my wife can get past this and communicate your feelings to each other better if you are both patient and understanding, so that we can all enjoy each others' company."

So like that way you are acknowledging her feelings without agreeing with anything, and focusing on a positive solution at the same time.

[Maisha]

I feel for you - my mother is very similar and has recently chosen to hate my husband as she feels threatened by my relationship with him. Drawing boundaries is extremely difficult, my recommendation would be to not justify your wife's behaviour or try and offer any explanation. Clearly your wife is not at fault but your mother will refuse to see that. She will vilify your wife no matter what. Just tell her that you can no longer go on holiday with her as she has behaved poorly with your wife. Most likely your mother will lash out and blame your wife, ask you who's more important - her or your wife - etc etc but you will need to be firm and keep saying no a million times over.

One thing I am trying to learn (always the hard way) is that there is no rationalizing with a BPD mother. Even her apologies are very fleeting - she never believes that she is at fault.

[chuck_taco]

Thanks for the thoughts everyone.  This is what I ended up going with.

*************

Hi Mom,

I'm sorry but we are not going to be able to make the trip.  I love you.

*************

Very frustrating that there does not seem to be a middle ground between staring into the heart of the beast and having no communication.  I would love to just communicate with her lightly and gently "How are you? Hows the weather?  Oh great! Blah blag".  But when I do this, there is always a build up and eventual explosion.  The only alternative seems to be bringing her deeply into my life and me into hers, which is extremely stressful and crazy.  I then have to listen to and walk on eggshells around her ranting about whoever in our family she is interpreting to be evil incarnate at that time.  Plus now that I have a family of my own, they need to be #1 in my life, which sends her spinning even harder.  Sigh.