A moment of peace

[satahal]

I just wanted to post now that things have calmed down - after weeks of dysregulation and extinction burst madness.

Things have been good now for approx. 4-5 days. I'm struck by how quickly I fall back in step, feeling like everything is normal and sustainable, liking my partner again (amazing considering how awful he was and how much I wanted to get away from him just a week ago).

It's like I'm involved with two separate people. The one I like has shown up again after going MIA for weeks. How, can I be hopeful after so much insanity? These good times never last. I still find myself flinching in different scenarios expecting the way he would respond during his dark times, yet here I am laughing with him, making plans for the future.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[maxsterling]

You are not alone here.  I find myself caught in the same cycle as you.  Things can be downright bad for a few weeks, and then it only takes a few days of things being relatively calm for me to be optimistic again.  The negative part of the cycle always returns, and then I feel like a fool for having been optimistic.  It slowly wears at me. With each new "good period" I feel more and more restless and less hopeful.  My advice is to first see the cycle for what is, and that the dysregulation is guaranteed to return at some point, and there is nothing you can do to prevent it.  During the good phases, it helps to remind yourself that the issues are still there. 

[satahal]

With each new "good period" I feel more and more restless and less hopeful.

I think that's where I am. I've been feeling under the weather since he stopped acting up - not a real illness but more stress symptoms - stomach pains, fatigue, anxiety. I know at the gut level - this is a set up for the next fall. It's a roller coaster and the highs are really not so exhilarating anymore - they are more like periods of forgetting - attempted amnesia. It's just way less effective now.

Still ambivalent - Still have a son who adores this guy and that is still very compelling. Yesterday my partner was a huge help with my boy and I was reminded that I'm a ways away from leaving, but I have to admit my new dream is just that - leaving. It's no longer that things will be better.