contact with ex's old friend that she cut off

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Last night i was on facebook when i was shown a person i might know.  It was my ex's old friend.  The interesting thing is that she cut this friend off soon after we got divorced.  She demonized her the same way she did it to me.   Then she lied about what happened and why they have no contact to her family and my kids.  This was the same woman my exuBPDw used as a sort of surogate nanny or mother.  Really, her friend was a better mother figure to my kids then my ex.   However, she manipulated the hell out of her when we were all triangulated.  In return, this woman became an Apath to her very much like my children are doing (through the PA she uses).  

So I was curious to reach out to her and tell her that my son had expressed that he was upset and hurt that she had defriended him from Fb.  As it turns out (and i suspected) that was a lie.  She was never friends with him and just defriended the ex's family after they cut her off and would not return phone calls etc.  

I think there was something in me that realized she was the only person that could potentially understand how i felt.  I think my reaching out to her was curiousity about how she saw things now.  She did share some things (through messaging) about her side of the story.  However, she also said it took her a long to time to get over this great loss (as she loved my kids as her own as well) and that she wasn't sure she wanted to drudge up the past so to speak.

I find or found it interesting that after all this time; she didn't express how she could now understand how i felt.  She didn't seem to have any remorse for how she behaved while under my ex's influence etc.  She was/is just focused on her pain apparently.  

So I'm looking for feedback because a part of me feels bad about how she was treated and I thought perhaps she would reflect the same sentiment back to me.  I have to say it was not my intention to "look" for this but just something i observed as i'm going through the experience of this.   What i'm trying to say, is I think i had this moment of compassion for her and was almost willing to say, "hey I'll send you some pictures etc." but after her saying she is not sure that she wants to drudge up the past it kind of puts me back in a standoffish frame of mind.

I'll looking for feedback from those who have either been through something like this or can see an outside perspective that perhaps i'm not considering as to whether i should continue the conversation/chat or not.

thanks

[truthbeknown]

Last night i was on facebook when i was shown a person i might know.  It was my ex's old friend.  The interesting thing is that she cut this friend off soon after we got divorced.  She demonized her the same way she did it to me.   Then she lied about what happened and why they have no contact to her family and my kids.  This was the same woman my exuBPDw used as a sort of surogate nanny or mother.  Really, her friend was a better mother figure to my kids then my ex.   However, she manipulated the hell out of her when we were all triangulated.  In return, this woman became an Apath to her very much like my children are doing (through the PA she uses).  

So I was curious to reach out to her and tell her that my son had expressed that he was upset and hurt that she had defriended him from Fb.  As it turns out (and i suspected) that was a lie.  She was never friends with him and just defriended the ex's family after they cut her off and would not return phone calls etc.  

I think there was something in me that realized she was the only person that could potentially understand how i felt.  I think my reaching out to her was curiousity about how she saw things now.  She did share some things (through messaging) about her side of the story.  However, she also said it took her a long to time to get over this great loss (as she loved my kids as her own as well) and that she wasn't sure she wanted to drudge up the past so to speak.

I find or found it interesting that after all this time; she didn't express how she could now understand how i felt.  She didn't seem to have any remorse for how she behaved while under my ex's influence etc.  She was/is just focused on her pain apparently.  

So I'm looking for feedback because a part of me feels bad about how she was treated and I thought perhaps she would reflect the same sentiment back to me.  I have to say it was not my intention to "look" for this but just something i observed as i'm going through the experience of this.   What i'm trying to say, is I think i had this moment of compassion for her and was almost willing to say, "hey I'll send you some pictures etc." but after her saying she is not sure that she wants to drudge up the past it kind of puts me back in a standoffish frame of mind.

I'll looking for feedback from those who have either been through something like this or can see an outside perspective that perhaps i'm not considering as to whether i should continue the conversation/chat or not.

thanks

[rg1976]

After reading your post my initial thought is:

This sounds dangerous/risky to me.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey tbk, To the extent you are looking to a former friend of your Ex for validation that you did the right thing by getting out of the r/s, I would suggest that this is a bad idea and likely to backfire.  It seems like you are seeking confirmation for something that needs no confirmation.  Time for you to move on, in my view.

LuckyJim

[truthbeknown]

I was not looking to the ex's friend for confirmation about not being in a relationship with my ex.  It was about my son and why the friend had not continued to be fb friends with him and he was really hurt by this.  My ex controls so many people and things that I was curious what her perspective was.  I have not pursued this anymore as i realized that she is focused on her own pain and if by validation you mean that I was fascinated by the fact that she did not see anything different from when she was in the relationship with my ex- I can see how that looks like I was looking for validation.  I don't need her approval but i'm surprised that she is/was still in the fog.

anyway, thanks for the feedback.  its a done deal. no more contact.

[Lucky Jim]

Glad to hear that it's no longer an issue.  It was a set-up, in my view, which could easily have backfired.  LJ

[truthbeknown]

they haven't talked in 3 years but my exuBPDw wrote her off just like turning a switch when her friend didn't serve her needs anymore.  My kids are told it was all her fault and of course they want to believe mom because she knows best (gag).