I'd like to know the truth

[Yaffle]

Going back a couple of years, before I'd heard of BPD, my uBPD girlfriend announced that she was pregnant again.  Having been through a lot with our previous 2 kids such as coping with the GF and also doing most of the night feeds etc while also working full time I didn't take the news too well.  I really didn't know if I could cope with going through it all again.  A while later she announced that it was all ok actually as she'd mis-read the test and she wasn't pregnant.  Knowing how easily she panics and gets confused I took this at face value.

A few weeks later, when she was next due on (so I was told!) she told me she was bleeding heavily.  She went to the doctors and was told she needed to go to the hospital.  I'm a bit vague with timings here as it was a while ago but I think it was the next day or a few days later that she went to the hospital for a procedure to stop the bleeding.  I didn't go with her as I had to take the children to my parents but I did try and get back in time to go with her and text her to see if she wanted me to come and meet her but she told me it was too late.

After this our lives carried on as normal for a while with her behaving as she does, getting mad at me over the smallest things, blaming me for everything, name calling etc.  One evening, after I'd been out with friends for a while and she was raging again I'd just had enough so I quickly packed a bag and left to go and stay with a friend (I eventually stayed away for ten days).  Later on at the friends I received a series of text messages telling me how selfish I was etc. and there was one saying that I was never there for her, even when she'd had a miscarriage I wasn't around!  This was news to me.

Anyway, moving on to more recent times, last week she was again in a rage with me about something and again was saying how I'm never there for her she again brought up the miscarriage and said  how horrible it was having to take two pills and to watch the baby come out of her.  I was shocked as she'd never spoken in that sort of detail before but also as to me that doesn't quite sound how I'd imagine a miscarriage to happen, more like how I'd imagine an abortion to be.  I'm no medical expert so I just don't know what the truth is but I would like to know. 

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[vortex of confusion]

Anyway, moving on to more recent times, last week she was again in a rage with me about something and again was saying how I'm never there for her she again brought up the miscarriage and said  how horrible it was having to take two pills and to watch the baby come out of her.  I was shocked as she'd never spoken in that sort of detail before but also as to me that doesn't quite sound how I'd imagine a miscarriage to happen, more like how I'd imagine an abortion to be.  I'm no medical expert so I just don't know what the truth is but I would like to know. 

That doesn't sound quite right. I have had two miscarriages. One I think was at around 6 weeks. It was like a really late, really heavy period.

The second one was a lot further along. I went to the ER for that one. Again, lots of bleeding and cramping. Most places try to allow your body to pass everything on its own. If there is heavy bleeding, they do an ultrasound to see if anything needs help getting out. If it does, they scrape things out kind of like would be done with an abortion.

I do seem to recall that some women are given something to help encourage the uterus to contract and expel everything.

Without more information and more details, it will be hard to know what is fact and what is fiction. In my experience, details will change to fit their agenda. It is quite likely that you will never find out a truth that is certain.

Instead of focusing on this incident, would it be possible to focus on the underlying message? Would it be accurate to say that the root of all of this might be something like she doesn't feel supported by you?

[Yaffle]

Thanks for the reply.

I think you're right in that she doesn't think she gets enough support from me though I do try.  The problem is she can talk to me for hours about how she's feeling etc but she ends up winding herself up and then finding someway to blame me - then I leave the room before it gets too bad.  I've not been doing this for that long so maybe its also part of her trying to stop me doing that

[turbo squash]

Without more information and more details, it will be hard to know what is fact and what is fiction. In my experience, details will change to fit their agenda. It is quite likely that you will never find out a truth that is certain.

This. I am separated from my wife right now. My drive home from work takes me by her/our apartment. I was coming home from a friends house late one night and I noticed that her car was not there. I did not think much of it. The next day she told me a story about the previous night that sounded completely believable... .but she said that she was thankful that it had happened at home.

It is my understanding that BPD will lie about lots of things... .even inconsequential things just to make themselves look better. The story that my wife told me would have been embarrassing for anybody wherever it happened... .but if it happened out in public, it would have been much more embarrassing. So, I believe that it actually happened out in public but that she told me it was at home just to try and save herself some of that embarrassment.

You or I might not see that little lie as something that is worth lying about, but for someone that is absolutely terrified of being perceived poorly, it must have been important to her.

I hope this helps.

[Yaffle]

Yeah, I've come to realise that the truth changes a lot.  She's come back to me since saying that I wasn't there for her when she had her miscarriage and when I said 'You never even told me you were pregnant' her response is 'Yes I did.' Which in some ways is true but the timing is a major issue!

I'd just like to know what really happened so I can deal with my own emotions over the issue.  This relationship doesn't feel like a partnership in the slightest - just one person constantly in battle with the other.   

[Daniell85]

Maybe she thought you didn't want it, so she had an abortion. Which possibly turned out to be emotionally devastating to her. So she is connection you as the reason and is angry because you weren't even there to support her as she did what she thought you wanted her to do, which was abort the baby.

Pure speculation on my part. If you are married to her, legally maybe you have some rights to see medical records. Before that, though, a sit down and a discussion on what actually happened... is that possible?

My boyfriend had a car accident. He let the girl he was cheating on me with drive and she got them both into an accident that totaled the car. He never told me the car was totally. She actually contacted me in hysterics saying stop him from leaving blah blah. No word about the car and what actually happened. I was like what the heck. Trying to talk to him about the incident and her in it led to massive dysregulation on his part.

It took 6 WEEKS before I actually understood the car was totaled. In the meantime, I asked him one day, where is your car. He said he didn't know and smiled at me. I thought that was weird. He refused to tell me the car was gone, but magically believed I knew it and was making fun of him. For which he gave me a ton of ST and ignoring and nasty attitude over until HE realized I had no idea what was going on.

[takingandsending]

My uBPDw is in the midst of a backslide lately. We were having a decent discussion of how to communicate more considerately when she quoted a statement that I had made to her that: a) didn't sound like something I said, and b) would have been over a year ago. Yet, her version of what I said is still bumping around in her head, ready to bring out in a fight/flight moment. Honestly, if I said half of the horrible things that she attributes to me, I would have left me a long while ago! 

It goes the reverse direction, too. Complete denial of things that she actually did say, witnesses be damned.

Disordered thinking. <sigh> 

[Yaffle]

I don't think we'll ever be able to sit down and have a conversation about it.  As soon I broached the subject she would lose her temper I think. 

And your right about them denying things they've said or the facts get altered.  The fact that she told me she'd had a miscarriage after I'd left now means that she'd told me about it and I left her to cope on her own.

[takingandsending]

Yaffle,

All you can do is state empathize with how scary and alone she must have felt during the miscarriage and that you are on her side and you are here for her now. It's her choice what she does with that information. You can only drive your car, not hers. That is the lesson I am returning to most often right now with my uBPDw.

Overall, how are things going for you? Is she doing better with you and your daughter?

[Yaffle]

I'm not doing too bad at the moment thanks and most of the time she seems to be ok with the kids.  Youngest starts school soon which may cause some upset.

[takingandsending]

Well, in the context of BPD, you can understand that the youngest starting school could trigger those fears of loneliness and abandonment. Is your gf a stay at home mom? I know that that has caused havoc with my wife. She feels unimportant and that she has no life or direction because of the kids, but she wants to hang on to the kids for that same reason. As a sympathetic person, I can understand that probably feels pretty lousy. If you approach it from the standpoint, you might be able to talk with her in advance of school starting and ease some of her fears before they trigger.

Or not.