Mother wants to give kisses now.

[yamada]

Mommy dearest is now 80, my twisted sister took off to another state to save herself from her, not telling me , because she hates me . So even with boundaries I am the golden child. Most of it I can handle as I am brutally honest and boundaried. So now her MDBPD Narc demand is a kiss hello and goodbye. We have never had affection in the family. She and her behaviour taught me to hate physical touch. How do I say I am not kissing you hello and goodbye because it feels like I am kissing a lizard and you blew that kissing stuff when you blamed me for not wanting affection after the abuse you dealt out for years.  I just want to put it in a short powerful way with no opportunity for argument or martyrdom.

[Klo]

IMO the best way is to give no reason at all. Any time we try to justify our boundaries, it opens the floodgates for arguing and invalidation. If I were in your shoes, I would just say, "I am not comfortable with that," and then not do it. If she wants reasons, I would say, "I am not going to discuss it." And if she kept fussing over it, I would ignore her fussing. Brick walls, period, when it comes to manipulative people.

[Harri]

Hi there.  If you don't want to kiss her, just say "no".  I agree with Klo that no explanation is necessary.  I would leave it at no and then is she asks or pushes, say i am not comfortable doing that or i don't want to and leave it that.  If she still pushes, firmly say "I said No so please stop asking/demanding/etc.  It is not going to happen". 

I had to have very firm boundaries with my mother as well, so short, direct and bordering on rude responses were often required.  They did not always work and she would persist, plus I did not always keep my cool... .and that is when I walked away. 

Wishing you luck with this.  It is amazing that she would request this after a lifetime of greetings and goodbyes without any kissing. 

[Maisha]

Do you know what could have triggered this sudden desire for physical affection?  Was there ever a time when you were a kid, for example, that this kissing hello and goodbye was a common practice? 

I have faced a similar issue of late with my mother. She suddenly started insisting that I should sleep in bed with her. It started a couple of months ago when she was sick, I went to visit, and she asked me to sleep in bed with her and hold her hand as she was feeling vulnerable.  At the time, I felt really sorry for her, so I did it (the illness ended up being a false alarm, she's totally fine now). 

A few months later, when she visited me, she again insisted that I should sleep in bed with her and I refused. She will kick my dad out to the guest bedroom just so that I can sleep in bed with her.  When I object, she says I always slept with her when I was a child, so why do I treat her with so much disdain now?  That's why I wonder if your mother was also physically affectionate with you when you were young, and maybe is re-enacting that proximity now as she feels you are puling away.

Regardless of the reason, you will definitely have to be firm.  She won't respond well but if she's violating a physical/intimacy boundary, just say, No I don't feel comfortable with the kissing, I am not a very tactile person.  Leave me alone.  You will have to be adamant.  And frankly, if you react with physical revulsion towards the idea, then let it show.  You do not need to spare her feelings - violating emotional boundaries is bad enough but physical boundaries are worse.

[CeliaBea]

Hi All, Hi Yamada,

I couldn't agree more: do not spare her feelings. As Harri and Klo have written, don't get defensive, don't justify or explain. I'm not doing it, period. No discussion.

My father used to be abusive—in a way that borders on sexual harassment — when I was growing up, pulling down my pants, slapping my behind (for fun), touching me against my will or tickling me till I thought I was going to suffocate. I can't tolerate him touching me at all as a result. There's been NC for years now, anyway, and before, I couldn't even stand giving him a hug. I felt violated. My mother as well used to be transgressive, and I am can't stand her touching me. She used to insist that I leave the bathroom door open when I was a kid, or she'd march in when I was taking a shower and would go through my personal things.

My advice: be true to yourself and your feelings. Acknowledge them and act accordingly. And I totally agree: be firm and don't spare her feelings, as Maisha wrote. The need for physical contact on her part, I'd guess, is a) either some kind of power trip: can she get you to do things you don't want to? How obedient are you? b) has to do with her enmeshment and inability to recognize appropriate boundaries.

Hope this helps!

Celia

[Boxernanna]

My mother only wants hugs and kisses when SHE needs them. She rarely hugged or kissed me as a child, but now she wants them for herself. She always picks the most sick times after she has had one of her nasty rages. Can you imagine having to deal with someone who 10 minutes earlier was screaming how much she hates you and wants to see you die, but now wants a kiss? I want to vomit. She will physically force herself on me by hugging me. She will not take "no" for an answer. I feel like a stiff wooden statue. She never says she is sorry. She just wants to make herself feel better.