Realised today just how alone I am. Ex doesn't have that problem

[Popcorn71]

More self-doubt setting in.  Today I realised just how alone I am.  Apart from family I really have nobody.  I have friends but nobody special.  On a Saturday evening I sat eating my meal alone and watching tv.  Nobody caring how I am or what I am doing.

My xBPDh doesn't have that problem.  He's with the replacement, no doubt having another night out.  No boring nights in for him.

Who has it right after all?  Who is the one with the problem?

[oor_wullie]

saturday nights are the hardest for me too. my exBPDgf used to go out most saturday nights, and i doubt that's changed. so sometimes i sit around,watching TV on saturday nights alone, like you, thinking about what a fun time she's probably having, being the centre of attention with her circle of friends, laughing, drinking, partying in the night and beyond. just like she always did.

but, here's the thing. her friends are a**holes. she had to drink in order to feel normal with them, otherwise she worried they'd think she was boring. so she had to drink and drink. and she was an a**hole herself when she was drinking - i hated her personality on booze. and she'd usually not take me with her either, so i'd just sit up, alone on saturdays, watching TV just like i do now. and it was much worse, because it tore me up that she'd leave me behind and not be with me. and i worried myself sick wondering what she was doing. and then the next day we'd often have to cancel our plans because she was sick with a hangover. and she'd be mad at me if i complained, and she'd be mad at me if i didn't shower her with sympathy because she was "feeling so ill", even tho she'd made herself ill.

and, latterly, i'd really started to have my doubts about what she was doing when she wasn't with me, because i could tell she was lying about what she was doing, even making up obvious lies about why she wasn't returning my texts, or answering her phone.

any of this sound familiar?

i guess my point is that we forget how incredibly lonely we felt, when we were *with* our exBPDs. and how worried we'd be about what they were doing, and what they were lying about.

i don't know your ex, but if he was anything like mine, then his idea of a good time was something that could easily end in a car crash of an evening, or angry words, or bad hungover craziness the next day. or just getting drunk, and then doing something awful (flashing her naked body at her friends, or strangers; hanging out with ex boyfriends until all hours; taking drugs; maybe even sleeping with someone else - i'll never know for sure), and then blaming it on the booze. expecting total forgiveness.

and if he's anything like my ex, he's pretending to the whole world that he's the funnest person in the room, in the *world*, and has just the best life ever! and it's a total crock, because he's BPD, and he's not capable of ever having a real, honest, positive emotion. and if he's anything like my ex, he's incapable of caring about anyone but himself. which means he's incapable of ever having a real friend - just drinking buddies to slap him on the back, laugh at his "crazy" funny antics, and generally make him feel like the whole world isn't collapsing around him.

and then  don't forget all the horrible stuff a BPD can do to you. the mind games. the gas lighting. the mood swings. the anger. the *lies*. your ex is doing that right now, to your "replacement".

well, thank god he's gone. thank god all you need to worry about tonight is what to watch on TV. thank god you can go to bed tonight and not have to care about what the hell he's doing tonight. someone else is worrying about that now.

he has a problem. his partner has a problem. you have ejected your problem. what's left is getting over the damage - but every day you need to be thankful that the source of that damage has moved on to torture some new unsuspecting victim. don't envy them - pity them.

[fred6]

More self-doubt setting in.  Today I realised just how alone I am.  Apart from family I really have nobody.  I have friends but nobody special.  On a Saturday evening I sat eating my meal alone and watching tv.  Nobody caring how I am or what I am doing.

My xBPDh doesn't have that problem.  He's with the replacement, no doubt having another night out.  No boring nights in for him.

Who has it right after all?  Who is the one with the problem?

I think it all has to do with your own personal history and outlook. For example, when I was little(5-10 yo) my mother left me alone a lot to take care of myself. Sometimes by myself, sometimes she left my younger sister with me. Due to that history, I'm used to being alone, taking care of myself and being OK with it. It was tough when my exBPD painted me black and replaced me, but I think that's more about rejection and the breaking of trust than being alone. It's been about 10 months and I'm doing OK. Sometimes I ruminate, but it's less and less as time goes by. You just have to realize that they meant more to you than you did to them and that's OK. You can't make people's choices for them.

There will come a time when you grow comfortable being with only yourself. Sure, a relationship is nice and being alone will never compare to a loving relationship. However, there is stability in being alone. It's like the difference between a Honda Accord and a Corvette. Being alone is like a Honda Accord, it's boring and predictable. But it's also reliable and efficient. On the other hand, a Corvette is fast and exciting, but it's expensive, inefficient, frequent maintenance and breaks down more. So sitting on a Saturday evening eating your meal alone and watching tv is OK. I do it on a consistent basis. We would probably be surprised how many people actually do the same thing as we do every Saturday.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey popcorn-

You ever notice that being alone and being lonely are two different things?  And having a mellow evening and being bored are two different things?  And when we're alone at least we're with a friend who wants the best for us, ourselves?  That can be a great place to be, centered and recharged, a place to make plans to bring other people who will be friends who want the best for us into our lives, as we build the life we want.

[Mr.Downtrodden]

It's been 2 years of being alone for me, minus an ill-fated one day / night recycle.

I am doing much better, but I admit, I still think about her and i miss her.  It's hard, being alone while feeling lonely. I don't feel lonely all the time, as I have been this way for much of my life.  That doesn't make it any easier to cope.

[joeramabeme]

Who has it right after all?  Who is the one with the problem?

Popcorn I have asked this very same question.  my 2bxw wBPD traits seems like she is doing just fine.  I logically and logistically know that is not true but it sure appears to be.  I also compare her outsides with my insides, that is never a good comparison whether BPD or otherwise.

Saturday nights can be really tough.  As HeeltoHeal mentioned you can be alone without being lonely.  Personally, on Saturday nights if I am alone and want to be out, I feel lonely.  I think the trick is to try and find something to do and make plans if you think you want to be out before the weekend arrives.

Take care

[workinprogress]

Popcorn, let me give you perspective on this.  I am still with my wife.  I feel basically alone on Saturday Night, also.  I gave up asking her to go out and do anything with me, because she won't.

I gave up trying to have a nice night of conversation with her, because her eyes don't leave her phone or the t.v.

So, I go to my office in the house and read, do a little work, and hang out with the kids when they are home.

[Schermarhorn]

One of the last things I said to my ex before we broke up was "you make me feel more alone than I have ever been."

[myself]

One reason someone runs off to be with a 'replacement' is due to feeling so alone/ashamed/etc. Not because now they're going to have the time of their life. Remember, his nights are probably not filled with introspection, growth, and healing. More along the lines of avoiding the pains he's accumulated. Avoiding his deeper self. When you compare what you're going through with that, it's not anywhere you'd like to be or what you'd like to be part of.

[Fleur2013]

Popcorn I completely understand how you feel. I too have spent a lot of nights alone. Sometimes I'm thankful that he's not home. Not many family members locally.  After the last recycle I took a running class with the local adult school.  I found  a lot of really great friends and running helps keep my anxiety at bay (not completely though). 

[iluminati]

Like someone else said, there's a difference between being lonely and being alone.  Personally, a quiet weekend or two by myself is what I need to get myself readjusted to life.  That said, you need to set an intention to either spend time with your friends or just be social.  You need to get back in the habit of being social again, and you have to put yourself out there to do it.

[jhkbuzz]

Popcorn, let me give you perspective on this.  I am still with my wife.  I feel basically alone on Saturday Night, also.

One of the last things I said to my ex before we broke up was "you make me feel more alone than I have ever been."

I never felt lonelier than in the last year or two of my relationship with my ex. It broke my heart. She was emotionally and sexually checked out - and it hurt.

I have summers off and recently started feeling the same as the O.P.: I'm packing to move and spent a few too many days alone at home trying to pack; lots of time to think... .my ex had a replacement right away. I've been in therapy for a year post b/u and am digging into some really painful stuff. I feel sad more often than I want to. Who has mental health issues? Who is doing okay? Maybe I have it backwards?... .

This is what I think: these negative thoughts are wholly mine. I sometimes choose to make these comparisons ("She's happy and doing great; I'm alone and miserable" because I have some self-worth issues and I use the comparisons to beat myself up. I'M choosing to do that. I could just as easily choose different, happier thoughts in those situations. So... .what to do?

Take a step. DO something. For me, it took the form of deciding to go out that Saturday night with a meetup.com group; I got dressed up, I got some compliments, I did a little dirty dancing... ..  I'll tell you what: I didn't wake up thinking about my ex the next day, that's for sure!  Voila': funk is gone!

Now, one Saturday night out isn't going to fix everything. It takes work to build your life again; to create a vision for your future, to meet new people, to have compassion for yourself and treat yourself gently and well. And sitting on the couch on a Saturday night doesn't get it done: what many people forget is that you have to DO something. Take action. Even if it's just going out on a Saturday night.

And for the record: I didn't feel like going out. When you're sad it's easy to get overtaken by inertia. But I went out anyway, and I've done so on more than one occasion.  I've never once regretted it, and it always makes me feel better!

[Popcorn71]

any of this sound familiar?

i guess my point is that we forget how incredibly lonely we felt, when we were *with* our exBPDs. and how worried we'd be about what they were doing, and what they were lying about.

Lots of what you said sounds familiar.  I felt better when I remembered that my ex used to go out every Saturday night.  I often couldn't go because my kids were home but he would go anyway.  During our first year together he would only go out if I could go with him but that soon changed.  Later he would come home in the early hours and wake me up when he got into bed wanting to talk about his night out.  I'd ask if he had a good time and he would say no, it wasn't worth going out because it was boring.  Yet it was obviously better than staying home with me.  I remember how hurtful that was.  Also, it was hurtful to find him crashed out on the sofa, phone in hand, mid-text to a female 'friend' making sure she had got home ok.  Yet if he argued with me on a night out he would leave me with no way to get home and not care at all.  If I did go out with him, I'd spend most of the night standing alone while he talked to friends.  It was actually boring most of the time.

What gets me now though, is that even if I wanted to go out on a Saturday night, I have nobody to go with.  I have friends but they don't do much in the way of socialising.  I'm a bit of a homebody anyway, but now and again, like this weekend, it would be nice to have the opportunity to do something and go somewhere.  That's what I miss.  At least when I was with him, I could always have something to do or somewhere to go if I wanted to.

What I don't miss, are the problems he brought into my life and I do appreciate the peace.

Thanks for reminding me of that.

[Popcorn71]

There will come a time when you grow comfortable being with only yourself. Sure, a relationship is nice and being alone will never compare to a loving relationship. However, there is stability in being alone.

I am generally happy, but I guess I was bored last night.  Company is nice sometimes.  But his company, wasn't worth the crap I had to put up with.

[Popcorn71]

Hey popcorn-

You ever notice that being alone and being lonely are two different things?  And having a mellow evening and being bored are two different things?  And when we're alone at least we're with a friend who wants the best for us, ourselves?  That can be a great place to be, centered and recharged, a place to make plans to bring other people who will be friends who want the best for us into our lives, as we build the life we want.

You are right but I have been doing this for two years now.  I am recharged and ready to get out there and enjoy life, but just don't have friends to do it with.  I'm frustrated that sometimes I feel stuck in a rut that I want to get out of but cannot see how to do it.

[still_in_shock]

Popcorn, most of us here felt exactly the same. I too, often experience all the feelings you are going through. My exh moved into a frat house, drinking and f**g around with college girls.

Weekends are particularly difficult for me, especially when I sit on the couch watching Netflix on my own - the activity we did together so often. I go through motions of anger -> hate -> self doubt -> realization it wound't work any way -> relief -> feeling pity for him.

What helps me (at least temporarily) is shifting the mind to thinking of other burning  priorities that'd improve my life. Going to the gym really helps boosting energy and the positive changes in physical shape restores my confidence.

I also try to keep my weekends well booked for activities with friends, so I don't stay alone. Today, for instance, I am going to meet a friend who's just a baby on her own (single mother by choice). When my husband dumped me, and after 2 years of him preventing me from getting pregnant, the idea of having a kid on my own was a new purpose in life. So I am going to see who's already done it, and is very happy in her motherhood, so I meet in person the little one - someone (God willing) I will be getting too once I sort out the mess he left behind.

So try to keep you mind and schedule busy. Keep working on attaining your dreams. And, perhaps, find yourself a good therapist. I am seeing the latter regularly for over 5 months now.

Good luck.







     

[Popcorn71]

Popcorn I have asked this very same question.  my 2bxw wBPD traits seems like she is doing just fine.  I logically and logistically know that is not true but it sure appears to be.  I also compare her outsides with my insides, that is never a good comparison whether BPD or otherwise.

Saturday nights can be really tough.  As HeeltoHeal mentioned you can be alone without being lonely.  Personally, on Saturday nights if I am alone and want to be out, I feel lonely.  I think the trick is to try and find something to do and make plans if you think you want to be out before the weekend arrives.

Take care

I think that's what it was.  I temporarily felt lonely.  I would have liked to have gone out and had nobody to call that would go.  Saturdays nights are the worse time because there is nobody in my life who I can arrange a night out with unless it's some kind of occasion such as their birthday.  My friends rarely have nights out and when they do, it's when they want to.

[Popcorn71]

Popcorn, let me give you perspective on this.  I am still with my wife.  I feel basically alone on Saturday Night, also.  I gave up asking her to go out and do anything with me, because she won't.

I gave up trying to have a nice night of conversation with her, because her eyes don't leave her phone or the t.v.

So, I go to my office in the house and read, do a little work, and hang out with the kids when they are home.

A nice reminder of how my life used to be.  My ex was obsessed with rubbish reality tv.  Evenings were spent watching what he wanted on tv.  I ended up being the one glued to my pc because I was so bored.  Then he didn't like it because he said I paid more attention to my laptop than him!  I was in a no win situation.  He basically expected me to sit and do nothing whilst being totally bored with what he wanted to do.

[Popcorn71]

One reason someone runs off to be with a 'replacement' is due to feeling so alone/ashamed/etc. Not because now they're going to have the time of their life. Remember, his nights are probably not filled with introspection, growth, and healing. More along the lines of avoiding the pains he's accumulated. Avoiding his deeper self. When you compare what you're going through with that, it's not anywhere you'd like to be or what you'd like to be part of.

Another nice reminder.  He actually told me he was with her because he didn't want to be alone.

[Popcorn71]

Popcorn I completely understand how you feel. I too have spent a lot of nights alone. Sometimes I'm thankful that he's not home. Not many family members locally.  After the last recycle I took a running class with the local adult school.  I found  a lot of really great friends and running helps keep my anxiety at bay (not completely though). 

I spent a lot of nights alone when I was married to him.  So really nothing has changed!  You reminded me that I used to sometimes enjoy the peace when he went out and I stayed home.

[Popcorn71]

Like someone else said, there's a difference between being lonely and being alone.  Personally, a quiet weekend or two by myself is what I need to get myself readjusted to life.  That said, you need to set an intention to either spend time with your friends or just be social.  You need to get back in the habit of being social again, and you have to put yourself out there to do it.

I know what you mean, but the problem I have is that I want to socialise and get out there, but have nobody to go with.  I'm no party animal, but I am bored with being home every night now.

[Popcorn71]

Take a step. DO something. For me, it took the form of deciding to go out that Saturday night with a meetup.com group; I got dressed up, I got some compliments, I did a little dirty dancing... ..  I'll tell you what: I didn't wake up thinking about my ex the next day, that's for sure!  Voila': funk is gone!

Now, one Saturday night out isn't going to fix everything. It takes work to build your life again; to create a vision for your future, to meet new people, to have compassion for yourself and treat yourself gently and well. And sitting on the couch on a Saturday night doesn't get it done: what many people forget is that you have to DO something. Take action. Even if it's just going out on a Saturday night.

And for the record: I didn't feel like going out. When you're sad it's easy to get overtaken by inertia. But I went out anyway, and I've done so on more than one occasion.  I've never once regretted it, and it always makes me feel better!

I agree with what you say.  I have joined meetup and met some new people.  It's been great for things like trips to the theatre and meals out, but generally not on weekends.  Most events seem to be early evening during the week which is nice but still leaves me with the problem of what to do on a Saturday night.  I suppose I could be more pro-active and host a night out, but that's just not me.  I'm not very out going and don't think I could do it.

[Popcorn71]

So try to keep you mind and schedule busy. Keep working on attaining your dreams. And, perhaps, find yourself a good therapist. I am seeing the latter regularly for over 5 months now.

Good luck.

     

Thanks.  My week days are too busy so maybe that's why the weekends seem so empty.  Perhaps a renewal of my gym membership is due.  Weekends could be the time to focus on me!

[jhkbuzz]

Take a step. DO something. For me, it took the form of deciding to go out that Saturday night with a meetup.com group; I got dressed up, I got some compliments, I did a little dirty dancing... ..  I'll tell you what: I didn't wake up thinking about my ex the next day, that's for sure!  Voila': funk is gone!

Now, one Saturday night out isn't going to fix everything. It takes work to build your life again; to create a vision for your future, to meet new people, to have compassion for yourself and treat yourself gently and well. And sitting on the couch on a Saturday night doesn't get it done: what many people forget is that you have to DO something. Take action. Even if it's just going out on a Saturday night.

And for the record: I didn't feel like going out. When you're sad it's easy to get overtaken by inertia. But I went out anyway, and I've done so on more than one occasion.  I've never once regretted it, and it always makes me feel better!

I agree with what you say.  I have joined meetup and met some new people.  It's been great for things like trips to the theatre and meals out, but generally not on weekends.  Most events seem to be early evening during the week which is nice but still leaves me with the problem of what to do on a Saturday night.  I suppose I could be more pro-active and host a night out, but that's just not me.  I'm not very out going and don't think I could do it.

I'm not sure where you live, but take a look at the groups you belong to. Maybe you need to join a few more? There are weekday and weekend activities in the groups I belong to.

I've joined groups based on my interests (cycling, outdoor activities, movies) - but I've also joined a singles group or two. I'm not going to lie: it's nervewracking EVERY time I go out with a new group. What calms me is the realization that everyone else is as nervous/uncomfortable as I am! Everyone loosens up, though, and I almost always have a great time.

This is the best part: I've made friends through these groups (yes, even the singles groups) and we've become FB friends. Now we make plans outside of meetup.com as friends who just want to go out on the weekends.

I'm not very out going and don't think I could do it.

I've battled that ^ and ignored it on multiple occasions. It's actually a self-defeating thought that will keep you home alone on Saturday nights .  The nice thing about ignoring it is that you step outside your comfort zone (always a growth inducing experience), meet new people, discover your fears are unfounded, enrich your life, take your mind off your ruminations... .and realize that thought you've been having is a lie. You CAN do it. You can DECIDE to act in spite of your fears and be the first to be friendly in a group of people who are probably just as nervous and unsure as you are.

It's a brand new day if you decide it is! 

[fromheeltoheal]

This is the best part: I've made friends through these groups (yes, even the singles groups) and we've become FB friends. Now we make plans outside of meetup.com as friends who just want to go out on the weekends.

I agree jhk, online groups are not the goal, they are the means to the goal of making friends outside the group, so we form our own 'group'.  I also agree that going to groups of new people is uncomfortable, doing things outside our comfort zone always is, although you might agree we aren't lonely or bored when we're doing it.  And making new friends takes time, one step at a time, as all things that are worth it do.  Best to keep a focus on the goal while taking the steps.  Me, I've been working too much lately, and I do have friends in my career, but the balance isn't there, time to adjust, time to pursue the goal more strongly.

[jhkbuzz]

... .making new friends takes time, one step at a time, as all things that are worth it do.  Best to keep a focus on the goal while taking the steps... .

YES. That's why one of my signature quotes is "Look closely at the present you are constructing: it should look like the future you are dreaming."

One step at a time.

[SummerStorm]

Hi Popcorn,

I definitely know how you feel.  My entire life, I've been different.  I've never fit in.  I was very well-behaved and very innocent as a kid/teenager, but I'm not religious at all.  So, I couldn't hang out with the "bad kids" because they drank and did drugs, and I couldn't hang out with the "good kids" because they hung out at church.  After I came to terms with my sexuality, I really couldn't hang out with those kids because they were the ones who were protesting gay marriage.  There just didn't seem to be a lot of middle ground kids at school, and the ones I found eventually decided that they couldn't deal with having a bisexual friend (that whole "Ewww, is she looking at me in the locker room?" mentality that also affects adults). 

When I got a job in high school, I met a girl who was just like me.  She had a boyfriend, but other than him, she didn't have a lot of close friends.  We had a lot of similar interests, very similar senses of humor, and similar college majors.  Most importantly, we actually hung out and had fun.  Unfortunately, after college, we drifted apart.  She moved to attend graduate school and her boyfriend became very possessive and only wanted her to hang out with him.  One day, I texted her a funny story, and she never replied.  Then, I didn't receive a birthday card from her.  And just like that, seven years of friendship were gone.  I still have no idea why she ended our friendship. 

For four years, I went without friends.  Yes, I had people I talked to at work, but they are married, have children, have friends outside of work.  Nothing ever clicked.  I love my job, but teaching high school is basically like being in high school.  There are cliques, and outsiders aren't easily let in.

Then, last August, my former friend BPD came into my life.  We were work friends for a few months, during her student teaching.  Then, when she came back for a substitute position, we started talking every day, exchanged phone numbers, texted all the time, and hung out.  All of the students and teachers knew that we were best friends.  Before I knew it, my entire life revolved around her.  Pretty soon, she started flirting with me, even though she was in a relationship. She started complaining about her boyfriend.  Then, she started an affair with me.  I am aware that my actions were not right, but at the time, I didn't care.  She was the first person to ever show any romantic interest in me.     

A month later, after going back and forth with me multiple times ("I love you"... ."I think I should stay with him"... ."I want to marry you"... ."I choose him", she started devaluing me and just being plain mean to me.  Not long after that, she ended our friendship and went NC.  She knew all about my last friendship and about how hesitant I was to become friends with someone again, but she went right ahead and basically did exactly what my last friend did. 

I joined several Meetup groups.  All of the meetings in one of them were canceled by the organizer, with no explanation, and most of the others have meetings that are an hour or more away from me.  My book club is nice, but it's mostly an older crowd (I'm 29; the average age is probably around 50), and it only meets once a month.  I live in a very rural area (people who live over a mile away are considered neighbors; if not, I wouldn't have any neighbors), and there just aren't a lot of Meetup groups.  The ones that do exist usually only have a few people show up.  When I expand the distance out to 50 miles or 100 miles, there are many really cool groups, but I just don't have the time to travel all over the place. 

So, I'm trying as hard as I can, but it's hard.  I'm an only child, and my childhood was spent either with my cousins or with my mom at work, so I never really learned social skills and how to go about making friends.  I feel very awkward when talking to people, and I don't have the same interests as the people I work with.  Once again, I can't hang out with the "bad kids" (co-workers who drink regularly) because I'm not interested in what they do, and I can't hang out with the "good kids" because they are still hanging out at church and protesting gay marriage. 

[Popcorn71]

I joined several Meetup groups.  All of the meetings in one of them were canceled by the organizer, with no explanation, and most of the others have meetings that are an hour or more away from me.  My book club is nice, but it's mostly an older crowd (I'm 29; the average age is probably around 50), and it only meets once a month.  I live in a very rural area (people who live over a mile away are considered neighbors; if not, I wouldn't have any neighbors), and there just aren't a lot of Meetup groups.  The ones that do exist usually only have a few people show up.  When I expand the distance out to 50 miles or 100 miles, there are many really cool groups, but I just don't have the time to travel all over the place. 

This is the problem.  I have met a few nice people, but mostly a lot older.  Very good company for the events I attend with them, but we don't really have a lot in common and they don't want to get together outside of meetup unless it's for a day trip to a museum or something.

I have a few 'real' friends - people I have known since childhood.  It's just that  our lives are really at different stages now.  They have young families and my kids are adults.  They are mostly happily married too.  If I want to meet for lunch or call in to see them early evening, it's no problem, but they just don't want to have nights out anymore.

Where do you meet new people when you are in your 40's and live in a small town?  That's what I am struggling with.  Even my daughter has the same problem when her friends are away at University.  She has a very limited social life at times and she is 20 years younger than me!

[jhkbuzz]

I joined several Meetup groups.  All of the meetings in one of them were canceled by the organizer, with no explanation, and most of the others have meetings that are an hour or more away from me.  My book club is nice, but it's mostly an older crowd (I'm 29; the average age is probably around 50), and it only meets once a month.  I live in a very rural area (people who live over a mile away are considered neighbors; if not, I wouldn't have any neighbors), and there just aren't a lot of Meetup groups.  The ones that do exist usually only have a few people show up.  When I expand the distance out to 50 miles or 100 miles, there are many really cool groups, but I just don't have the time to travel all over the place.  

This is the problem.  I have met a few nice people, but mostly a lot older.  Very good company for the events I attend with them, but we don't really have a lot in common and they don't want to get together outside of meetup unless it's for a day trip to a museum or something.

I have a few 'real' friends - people I have known since childhood.  It's just that  our lives are really at different stages now.  They have young families and my kids are adults.  They are mostly happily married too.  If I want to meet for lunch or call in to see them early evening, it's no problem, but they just don't want to have nights out anymore.

Where do you meet new people when you are in your 40's and live in a small town?  That's what I am struggling with.  Even my daughter has the same problem when her friends are away at University.  She has a very limited social life at times and she is 20 years younger than me!

I understand that everyone's life circumstances are different, and what works for me might not work for the next person for a variety of reasons, but I'll share what I've done to begin changing my life.

I moved to the state I currently reside in in 1996. I had one friend that I knew when I moved, and that friend and I ended up becoming very involved in a Christian church. There were many good things about the church, but it was small and pretty insular. I left the church when I met my ex (they frowned up r/s's outside of the church) and I lost all my church friends in the process.  All of them. My ex and her daughter became my family; I had few friends at that point, and as a "new parent" of an 11 year old my life began revolving around my step-daughter's needs and family life. That was okay for a while.

Fast forward 8 years. My step daughter is in college, my ex and I have split, I have one good friend and a handful of acquaintances; I live in a semi-rural area that is far from the meetup groups I want to get involved in and the cycling activities I want to join. Plus, I have dogs and need to run home every day after work to let them out and feed them. Once I'm home, especially during the week, it's too much to go back out again. Every day there were different activities for me to do, but every day I had to think, "Gosh, do I want to take that drive?" Sometimes the answer was yes, often it was no.

So what to do? I love my home (it's pretty!) and my neighbors are great. But I found the quote I mentioned earlier: ""Look closely at the present you are constructing: it should look like the future you are dreaming" and thought, 'what kind of present am I constructing?' My answer was, 'one in which I'm going to spend a lot of time alone in the future.' It scared me. That's not the future I want. I started thinking about the steps I could take each day to change that 'future'.

First thing I did was had a dog door installed and bought pet food dishes that operated off timers. Now my dogs let themselves out when they want and always get fed on time. (I don't leave them alone endlessly, just so you know - I love them!). But it gives me a flexibility that I didn't have before, and that has helped my social life. Then I spent a year thinking about moving. Driving back and forth, thinking, thinking. I love my house. I hate the driving. I love my house. I hate the driving.

After a year of thinking about it, I put my house on the market. It sold in a day. I've bought a house two miles outside of a major city that is about 40 minutes from where I currently live. I have friends in my new neighborhood - they're the friends I met last summer when I started to join cycling groups for the first time; who are excited that I'm going to be as close to downtown as they are. I can invite people over now instead of feeling badly that I'm asking anyone to take the long drive to my house. I can join in as many activities as I want at the drop of a hat. I am headed towards the future I've been dreaming about; one that is full of fun, friends, and hopefully a healthy, happy r/s.

None of this happened in a day. It really started when I got up the nerve to meet new people, expand my horizons, go out on a limb with no real vision of my future other than, "I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. I have GOT to get out and meet new people and put my life back together."

Look at the present you're constructing. Will it lead to the future that you want?

[SummerStorm]

This is the problem.  I have met a few nice people, but mostly a lot older.  Very good company for the events I attend with them, but we don't really have a lot in common and they don't want to get together outside of meetup unless it's for a day trip to a museum or something.

I have a few 'real' friends - people I have known since childhood.  It's just that  our lives are really at different stages now.  They have young families and my kids are adults.  They are mostly happily married too.  If I want to meet for lunch or call in to see them early evening, it's no problem, but they just don't want to have nights out anymore.

Where do you meet new people when you are in your 40's and live in a small town?  That's what I am struggling with.  Even my daughter has the same problem when her friends are away at University.  She has a very limited social life at times and she is 20 years younger than me!

Yeah, I don't really have that much in common with the people in the groups.  There is another teacher in my book club, but she's in her 50s, has kids, and is also dealing with a BPDh who refuses to sign divorce papers.  I'm trying to get away from BPD, not get more involved with it!  Plus, if I want to talk to another teacher, I'll just talk to one of the 70 other teachers I work with!  :)on't get me wrong.  Talking to people from various age groups is great, but I'm not going to go hang out with them like I would someone who's my own age.  I searched for groups in larger cities, and some of them regularly have 30+ people attending each meetup.  I often will find one that looks interesting, but when I look at information on past meetups, only 1 or 2 people attended.    

I have one friend at work whom I sometimes see outside of work, but she knows my history with my exBPD and also knew my exBPD, and she's basically done with me.  She told me she can't deal with my talking about my exBPD anymore.  Other than my mom and work, I have two other contacts in my phone, and they are both co-workers.  I'm no longer in contact with anyone from high school or college, and even if I was, they are all married and have kids.

Meeting new people when you're in your 30s/40s/50s is incredibly difficult, especially in small towns (not a lot of places) and large cities (too many place, too many people, too many tourists).  My mom has talked to friends of hers who have kids in their 20s, and they all say the same thing, that meeting people is not easy.  I'm not into the bar scene, and most of my interests are more in line with what older people seem to enjoy (reading, photography, museums).