Pregnant girlfriend has BPD - how to deal with her mood swings?

[globalnomad]

Hello all. I'm a newbie here in search of some help and wisdom. A quick summary: I met my BPD girlfriend about 8 months ago. It was a fairly intense courtship -- she made me feel special in a way nobody had before, and of course I was THE GREATEST thing in the world for her. She was (and still is) highly functioning -- with a very successful corporate career and makes a lot more money than I do. She is also extremely nurturing and loves cooking for me, giving me massages, etc. We also have a lot in common, similar interests and philosophies on life. Bottom line: there is really a lot to work with here. The problems start pretty soon:

- I notice she has severe trouble regulating her emotions. An example - she is at my place using my computer. According to her the mouse isn't working properly. She flies into a maelstrom of frustration and starts blaming me for not having things set up properly, not having high standards for myself, etc. I am somewhat mystified but assume she is just having a bad day. Thirty minutes later she is back to her charming self.

- A few weeks into the relationship (we are not really even seriously dating yet), an ex girlfriend was passing through town. I meet her for 20 mins for coffee (absolutely platonic - we still have a good relationship). I stupidly tell a white lie to my BPD gf about what I am doing that morning, even though I don't really have anything to hide. She is EXTREMELY attuned to when something is not right. She hacks into my phone/email when I am in the shower and finds out what happened and flies into a rage. From this point on the trust issues go through the roof.

- Three months in, we find out my gf is pregnant. This is obviously unplanned and a shock to both of us, but we decide it is a blessing and we'll raise the child together. She moves in with me (much earlier than I would usually think wise). The controlling behavior starts immediately. She insists I cancel my Netflix, stop watching football, start coming home from work earlier, etc.

- She gets completely fixated on "logical inconsistencies" and this becomes the source of frequent fights. A typical example. I text her at 6pm to tell her I'm leaving work. My boss grabs hold of me as I'm walking out the door and we end up chatting for 5 mins. Then there are minor train delays so it takes me 15 min longer than usual to get home. I get interrogated upon my return. I tell her what happened. She tells me there must be something I'm not telling her, because my story makes no sense. She gets angry and is in a bad mood for the rest of the night.

- I am starting to get worried about the relationship. I have an email conversation with a close friend living overseas discussing some of my concerns - and hoping for some advice. The next day she confronts me about the email, after again hacking into my email account. In her mind I have already demonstrated that I'm not worthy of her trust, so she has done nothing wrong. (She won't even discuss the main issue - her illegal hacking into my email account). I am in the wrong for talking about her behind her back. The trust issues only get worse from here.

- I realize I have to start setting some stronger boundaries. She threatens to get an abortion if I leave her. (later she apologizes for this). She threatens to leave me several times -- but it usually feels like some kind of test.

- This weekend I tell her I need some space to reflect and think about how to make things better. She goes away for the weekend (she has her own place to stay in). Last night I spontaneously decide to meet up with a friend. She gets suspicious after I stop responding to a barrage of texts. She flies into a rage about me lying to her about taking the weekend to reflect, etc. I think you get the pattern now.

So here I am. I have only this weekend learned about BPD and it seems to fit my gf's behaviour exactly. She has spoken to me about how she was abandoned as a child and shipped to another country at the age of 14 by her parents, and I suspect this trauma lies behind a lot of her issues. I want to help her, but am not sure how (we tried going to couple's therapy briefly but she charmed the therapist so much I think he thought I was the problem). At the same time, I am not a martyr and I want to protect myself from any further emotional abuse. And finally, I am worried about the impact her behavior could have on our future child.

I realize nobody here can tell me what to do, but perhaps a good place to start would be any advice on setting stronger boundaries so I can at least protect myself and the baby throughout the rest of the pregnancy. Thanks!

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[sweetheart]

Hello globalnomad  ,

Welcome, welcome to bpdfamily 

I can hear in your post many mixed emotions and a lot going on for you and your SO, not least that your SO is pregnant. There is also a crystal message amidst the difficulties that you have encountered that says that you want to try and improve your relationship with better boundaries.

You have definitely come to the right place, there are many things this forum can help you with around defining, understanding and implementing boundaries. Many, if not all members on here including myself realise that boundaries are important personal tools to keep us ( and in many cases also, our children ) safe and secure from the behaviours that our SO's present with. Behaviours that you outline in your post.

Here is a link looking at what being in a healthy relationship might mean, that also explores the introduction of boundaries;- https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a115.htm

What support do you both have other than each other, family, friends, a therapist?

Take care of yourself and keep posting.

[globalnomad]

Thankyou sweetheart. That was a useful link. I am lucky to have some good friends who are understanding about this, but have not spoken to my family about it. I suspect they would have trouble understanding, as my SO is extremely charming when she is not in the midst of one of her episodes (which usually happen only in front of me).

This website looks like a great resource. I will certainly continue posting here.