Why do they downgrade when they dump you

[Red Devil]

Ive been with 2 BPD Women in my life and each time my replacement was nothing like me. Im well groomed, considered good looking, keep in good shape at the gym. My replacements looked overweight, never been a gym in their life, not good looking at all, quite scruffy. I was with my ex 3 months and since that split I am ashamed to say I met her twice for sex while she was with her replacement. The only thing I can think of is I call these people out when they start their games and call them out on their bull___, do these downgrades they stay with longer more of a pushover for them. Do they stay with people longer that they can control and not call them out on their bull___ ? My ex was not the best with money, nearly homeless and tried to recycle with me while with her downgrade ex. He lives at the other end of the country, where she lives 10 miles from me. I had the calls saying I still love you, can I move in with you. I stayed firm and said no, now she lives with him at the other end of the country, she told me she wanted to stay in this area. So the question is do they stay longer with people who are more of a pushover, and yes admittedly it is a dent for the ego , even if I would never go back. I read these boards daily and want the knowledge as these women keep appearing in my life.

[ShadowIntheNight]

No one would ever call me a pushover. My uBPDexgf never walked all over me telling me what to do or any things of that nature. We had a loving relationship with very few arguments because we always talked things out. Our relationship lasted 9.5 years until she abandoned us. That's right. Just faded away and disappeared after 9.5 years.

I should have been mean and crappy toward her. At least then I would have deserved the treatment she ultimately gave me.

So no, length of relationship had nothing to do with whether or not she dragged me around by my nose. My experience is there's no direct correlation at all.

[FannyB]

 Hi Red Devil

I think it's too much of a generalization to say they always downgrade - as their 10th relationship would probably be with a homeless guy based on that logic! I'm sure you weren't a downgrade on your predecessor, for example. It's all about attachment and supply - I think looks are secondary for many pwBPD. I have no expectations as to who my successor will be - just that he'll likely be found online. 

[Red Devil]

Yes that's true, my ex found me online and also my replacement online  . I think she's stuck at the moment as she could never hold down a job, that's when she was in one, fell out with her Mum and Daughters, nothing to do with them, the fact she was asking to move in with me, I said no, so now she has to move to the other end of the country to live with her current partner, sounds like she's stuck there, unless she's working behond the scenes on someone else as she told me she never wanted to leave the area

[FannyB]

She's just trying to survive mate. Any port in an emotional storm. I know we've all suffered, but it can't be very nice living like they have to in order to keep their heads above water. A perpetual state of anxiety for many of them.

[going places]

I thought she was a 'downgrade' because of her 'appearance and age'... .

But maybe she's an upgrade?

Maybe she is fun?

Maybe because she is in the 'discovery' / 'honeymoon' phase, everything is positive and upbeat, light and adventurious?

Maybe she is exactly what he needs to make him happy?

Maybe she is meek, gentle, quiet, non-argumentative?

Maybe she is into the same things he is into, and they have common interests?

Maybe she is a wonderful person?

What my ex and I had was in the past. What he does moving forward has no bearing or effect on my life, period.

I have to let it go. It is turning me into an ugly awful person. It's affecting my relationship with my children (adults) and it will inhibit me healing and ever having an healthy relationship moving forward.

I am not promised tomorrow, and I am not 25 anymore... .if I don't forgive and let go of the past, it will ruin what little time I have left on this planet.

YMMV

[Red Devil]

Yes but when they use others to fulfil their needs then my sympathy goes. The ex before me gave her money as a bond for a place and she never paid him back. Had a lovely place and she played the hard done by story when her landlord threw her out after continue late payments. She screwed me with money when I got a phone contract out in my name and I got letters about continual late payments. I transferred the phone over to her name as continually told her any more letters and the phones gone, that went on for nearly a year. Then the can I move in as she's nowhere to go, fell out with her Mum. Now if anyones desperate enough theres a job for everyone, even if its scrubbing toilets. Not ideal but if needs must until you get back on  your feet, you do it, I have no sympathy for her the way she uses people, none at all

[FannyB]

Agreed. I have sympathy for how they came to  be disordered, but they are still adults who should be held accountable for their subsequent actions. Understanding the disorder de-personalises it for me though - although I appreciate that not everyone sees it the same way.

[myself]

She's just trying to survive mate. Any port in an emotional storm.

This^.

I was a definite step up from where she'd been, but she still couldn't deal with it. She had a chance to overcome much of this stuff with me but in the end chose not to take it.

In some ways they're downgrading themselves by continuing the disordered patterns and not getting the help/change they need to actually better their lives from the inside out.

[rotiroti]

She's just trying to survive mate. Any port in an emotional storm. I know we've all suffered, but it can't be very nice living like they have to in order to keep their heads above water. A perpetual state of anxiety for many of them.

^

I read a book on how fear triggers survival instincts and it all made sense. Attachement for BP/NP is all about survival, it doesn't matter who supplies it. Must be a so difficult to never be truly soothed (or at least for a long time)

[disorderedsociety]

She's just trying to survive mate. Any port in an emotional storm.

This^.

I was a definite step up from where she'd been, but she still couldn't deal with it. She had a chance to overcome much of this stuff with me but in the end chose not to take it.

In some ways they're downgrading themselves by continuing the disordered patterns and not getting the help/change they need to actually better their lives from the inside out.

This is exactly how I feel about what happened in my r/s. I gave her all the love I could muster hoping she would continue therapy but she eventually "forgot" about her last appointment and we stopped going. That was when I should've left but I stayed the entire other half of 3 years afterward not knowing what would happen, thinking it was my fault for wanting to leave, that I just didn't understand her.

If she'd made even a little progress I would've stuck around doing whatever I could have for her to see herself how I saw her, but it wasn't enough. It was simply easier to anticipate my leaving and find another person to attach to.

[apollotech]

Ive been with 2 BPD Women in my life and each time my replacement was nothing like me. Im well groomed, considered good looking, keep in good shape at the gym. My replacements looked overweight, never been a gym in their life, not good looking at all, quite scruffy.

Hi Red Devil,

Did she pick you or did you pick her? I am not sure about the validity of the upgrade/downgrade concept, but I do think that a pwBPD, if given free reign to choose, will choose someone that they perceive to be controllable---low self-esteem, drug/alcohol problems, financial problems, sexual fulfillment issues, immaturity, CoD/rescuer traits, etc. This is not to say that everyone they have ever partnered with has issues, but again, given a choice, I do believe that they look for someone with a weakness of some type that can be exploited.