Have I been so warped by my BPD ex that I will never get a r/s right?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I need some advice.  

Two years ago, I tried leaving my uBPDxbf.  I met someone new (44 year old), that despite not perfect, was a truly kind man who treated me so well.  My ex would not let me go.  He’d show up at my door at midnight or 6am, pounding on the doors until I let him in.  Essentially, after months of this, he wore me down and I took him back.   I believe that year and a half was the most detrimental out of the entire 18 years we were together.  I feel  like it has permanently scarred me and my therapist and I will have a long relationship because of it.

He stormed out in December, into the arms of a 23 year old (he is 62), and married her 5 months after he left me.  :)uring all this time, I stayed connected to the kind man I dated.  We never officially broke up – he was aware of a lot of what my ex was doing – but we maintained a good friendship.  My ex and I were so up and down that I did see this kind man from time to time and we texted daily, numerous times.  I feel it is safe to say, he became my best friend.  

When kind guy and I dated, sexually things did not go terribly well.  He seemed to have a low sex drive and sex would generally be initiated by me.  After the relationship I had just gotten out of, I took it personally, I have to admit.  He’s is  on an anti-depressant so I wondered if that had anything to do with it.  Or if it was me.  He came with his own baggage and I found it hard to talk to him about feelings and deeper relationship stuff.  It was actually a nice break from my ex who did nothing BUT talk about feelings (HIS feelings, that is).

But, over the last couple of years, we maintained the friendship.  If anyone asked me about him, I referred to him as my friend.

Then, yesterday, he texts me that he didn’t know how to tell me, but he was getting ready to go on a date with a woman that evening.  A teacher with 3 small kids. Said she knew all about me, my business, pets, and parents because he told her all about me. Said it probably wouldn’t work out with her “because of his messed up head”. II felt like someone punched me in the gut when he texted that .  My jealousy and sadness at the fact that he is dating someone shocked me.

I barely could sleep so I decided to tell him how I feel about him.  It was a long text – I pretty much thanked him for helping me get thru the last 2 years with my ex, how kind he is, how much I love his dog, and that I can’t imagine life without his friendship.  But I explained that I still have feeling for him and if he is dating someone else, I need some time to get my brain ok with it and might need to lay low for a little while til I get over it.  I essentially poured my heart into this text telling him how important he is to me.

And today? He did not respond to that text at all.  Instead he sent me a couple cute pics of his dog, a customers dog, etc.  My heart sank.  I poured my guts out to him and figured he’s at least going to say SOMETHING about it – maybe, “I never knew that”, or “I really want to see where this new relationship goes but I appreciate your honesty”, or whatever!  I am baffled – we have texted EVERY day for two years.  I was more than just a casual friend.  We talked about our lives to each other constantly, shared a sense of humor, etc.

And now my heart is broken.  On the plus side, I am not even thinking about my uBPDxbf one minute, which has been a problem for me since he left. Yay!  But I am so crushed.   I sent him (kind guy) a text this evening and said I hoped he and his dog have a great week.  He wished me the same.  Not the usual text from him.  He’s now stepping back, I feel, and I guess I will do the same.

And now I feel like such a mess of a person when it comes to relationships.   I am disgusted with myself that I stayed with my uBPDxbf for 18 years, missed out on a great life and put up with the crap from him, that I keep messing up relationships, all of it.  I feel like I will never get it right. My uBPDxbf’s voice keeps playing in my head, “You’ll never find anyone.  You are too messed up and you will die alone”.   I don’t meet men easily so for me to lose this kind guy is really hard for me.  I don’t want to lose him and not sure what to do at this point.  :)o I let things go now or try to talk to him.  I feel that he pretty much is good with what I said about not interfering in his new relationship and maybe doesn’t want a romantic relationship with me.

I am so devastated and feel so fragile right now.  I can’t handle being discarded twice in one year…………

[sbr1050]

I need some advice.  

Two years ago, I tried leaving my uBPDxbf.  I met someone new (44 year old), that despite not perfect, was a truly kind man who treated me so well.  My ex would not let me go.  He’d show up at my door at midnight or 6am, pounding on the doors until I let him in.  Essentially, after months of this, he wore me down and I took him back.   I believe that year and a half was the most detrimental out of the entire 18 years we were together.  I feel  like it has permanently scarred me and my therapist and I will have a long relationship because of it.

He stormed out in December, into the arms of a 23 year old (he is 62), and married her 5 months after he left me.  :)uring all this time, I stayed connected to the kind man I dated.  We never officially broke up – he was aware of a lot of what my ex was doing – but we maintained a good friendship.  My ex and I were so up and down that I did see this kind man from time to time and we texted daily, numerous times.  I feel it is safe to say, he became my best friend.  

When kind guy and I dated, sexually things did not go terribly well.  He seemed to have a low sex drive and sex would generally be initiated by me.  After the relationship I had just gotten out of, I took it personally, I have to admit.  He’s is  on an anti-depressant so I wondered if that had anything to do with it.  Or if it was me.  He came with his own baggage and I found it hard to talk to him about feelings and deeper relationship stuff.  It was actually a nice break from my ex who did nothing BUT talk about feelings (HIS feelings, that is).

But, over the last couple of years, we maintained the friendship.  If anyone asked me about him, I referred to him as my friend.

Then, yesterday, he texts me that he didn’t know how to tell me, but he was getting ready to go on a date with a woman that evening.  A teacher with 3 small kids. Said she knew all about me, my business, pets, and parents because he told her all about me. Said it probably wouldn’t work out with her “because of his messed up head”. II felt like someone punched me in the gut when he texted that .  My jealousy and sadness at the fact that he is dating someone shocked me.

I barely could sleep so I decided to tell him how I feel about him.  It was a long text – I pretty much thanked him for helping me get thru the last 2 years with my ex, how kind he is, how much I love his dog, and that I can’t imagine life without his friendship.  But I explained that I still have feeling for him and if he is dating someone else, I need some time to get my brain ok with it and might need to lay low for a little while til I get over it.  I essentially poured my heart into this text telling him how important he is to me.

And today? He did not respond to that text at all.  Instead he sent me a couple cute pics of his dog, a customers dog, etc.  My heart sank.  I poured my guts out to him and figured he’s at least going to say SOMETHING about it – maybe, “I never knew that”, or “I really want to see where this new relationship goes but I appreciate your honesty”, or whatever!  I am baffled – we have texted EVERY day for two years.  I was more than just a casual friend.  We talked about our lives to each other constantly, shared a sense of humor, etc.

And now my heart is broken.  On the plus side, I am not even thinking about my uBPDxbf one minute, which has been a problem for me since he left. Yay!  But I am so crushed.   I sent him (kind guy) a text this evening and said I hoped he and his dog have a great week.  He wished me the same.  Not the usual text from him.  He’s now stepping back, I feel, and I guess I will do the same.

And now I feel like such a mess of a person when it comes to relationships.   I am disgusted with myself that I stayed with my uBPDxbf for 18 years, missed out on a great life and put up with the crap from him, that I keep messing up relationships, all of it.  I feel like I will never get it right. My uBPDxbf’s voice keeps playing in my head, “You’ll never find anyone.  You are too messed up and you will die alone”.   I don’t meet men easily so for me to lose this kind guy is really hard for me.  I don’t want to lose him and not sure what to do at this point.  :)o I let things go now or try to talk to him.  I feel that he pretty much is good with what I said about not interfering in his new relationship and maybe doesn’t want a romantic relationship with me.

I am so devastated and feel so fragile right now.  I can’t handle being discarded twice in one year…………

[fromheeltoheal]

Well, if the kind guy wants to date other women he doesn't want to be exclusive with you, and after 2 years it's kind of one way or the other, so I vote for letting him go.  But really, you were with your ex for 18 years and then this guy, that's only two, so although they both ended, it doesn't really follow that you 'keep messing up relationships'.  If I got a chance to do the last 30 years over again I'd date many, many women, because that magic, ideal relationship is hard to come by, unless we get lucky, and more likely we try and make do with something that isn't ideal but it's right in front of us, for a variety of reasons.

Anyway, have you ever gotten tired of the car you're driving, and you start to look around for what you might buy next, and you get one, and then you see them everywhere?  They were always there, we have just adjusted our focus so we see them all now.  The same thing works for partners: get very, very clear on what we want and need in a relationship, what type of person we're into, with as much detail as we can, and then take that out into the world, along with the expectation that we're going to not only meet that person today, but that we deserve it and it will be ideal.  And with that focus, who knows who will show up, but with an adjusted focus and positive expectation, we'll not only attract it but notice it instantly and be ready.  WooHoo!  Let's try that starting tomorrow... .

[Popcorn71]

Anyway, have you ever gotten tired of the car you're driving, and you start to look around for what you might buy next, and you get one, and then you see them everywhere?  They were always there, we have just adjusted our focus so we see them all now.  The same thing works for partners: get very, very clear on what we want and need in a relationship, what type of person we're into, with as much detail as we can, and then take that out into the world, along with the expectation that we're going to not only meet that person today, but that we deserve it and it will be ideal.  And with that focus, who knows who will show up, but with an adjusted focus and positive expectation, we'll not only attract it but notice it instantly and be ready.  WooHoo!  Let's try that starting tomorrow... .

I think it's normal to doubt ourselves in situations like this.  But we have to remember that a relationship with a BPD is a lot to get over.  Maybe the nice guy was sent to you to get you through the tough time.  I have a friend like that.  He just turns up when needed (not at my request, it just happens).  Then he fades away for a while, sometimes years.  I know we would never work as a couple, so I have just accepted his role in my life.

Anyway, back to the quote above.  I really like this.  At the moment I see all men as 'problems'.  It has been pointed out to me that I am very negative about men in general.  Due to my experience I think this is somewhat to be expected.  I have not had much positive input from any men in my life.  But maybe it is time to start seeing what I would like to see.  There are good men out there, I just have to notice them instead of the losers I currently see.  I have to adjust my focus!

[WhatJustHappened?]

I feel the same way about women right now but I know that's distorted thinking. There are good and bad people period. For me, I have had to look within myself to see why I keep attracting poor choices. That's on me.

Going off on a tangent here: I also feel that we have a very "men are bad and/or dumb" society" right now. Where it's easy to blame men in general for just about anything. Or paint men as the the "dumb, stupid, side" of a relationship. It's been in our media for awhile now.