Did your BPD blame you 100% for failure of relationship?

[Tay25]

Yep my exBPDgf blamed me for everything, and it definitely had to do with her feelings. Whatever she felt she would associate with her surroundings or the most important people in her life. In a way she really couldn't help blaming other people , its kind of like her feelings were so intense she couldn't handle them and shifted them onto the people close to her.

The last thing she said to me reslly showed how immature her thinking was and that she blamed me for everything:

" You know what's funny? I was in this exact same situation a year ago"

Haha and thats my fault right... .

[HappyNihilist]

Nope. My exBPDbf blamed himself for the failure of the relationship, mostly. He was full of self-blame. Now, I got blamed for plenty of stuff during the relationship. But he blamed himself for the way it ended up.

A few months after the breakup, we talked a little bit, and he said that "we would have destroyed each other" (which I definitely agree with) and left it at being no one's fault. He was always kind and weirdly supportive when we talked after the breakup, and he never split me back or said bad things about me to mutual friends or coworkers.

Who knows what he says behind closed doors about me, though. 

Personally, I thought Skip's analogy was apt. Having self-esteem and self-worth issues is emotional immaturity. I have little experience with Bowen's works, but my understanding is that "emotional maturity" is a term for an ages-old concept (what Aristotle called being "virtuous". An emotionally mature person has developed self-awareness, self-confidence, a sense of responsibility and accountability, empathy, healthy control of their emotions, and a clear idea of their values and needs. Being emotionally immature isn't a bad thing - it just means there's work to be done in one or more of those areas.

[GreenEyedMonster]

I blew up at my exBPD and pretty much vented at him about how much work I was doing for the relationship because I cared about HIM and how he was pushing me to my limit, and making me physically ill.

He called this "emotional abuse."

I guess you could look at it that way, if it were manipulation.  Thing is, it was all fact.

[Savannahcat]

Twelve years post divorce from my BPD exH,   only spoke with him once in last 4 years (we still had a minor child).  Notwithstanding, he continues to blame me for everything that is apparently wrong with his life.  It's not you, it is them.  Just move on, that is all you can do. 

[SaltyDawg]

Twelve years post divorce from my BPD exH,   only spoke with him once in last 4 years (we still had a minor child).  Notwithstanding, he continues to blame me for everything that is apparently wrong with his life.  It's not you, it is them.  Just move on, that is all you can do.

SavannahCat,

   Welcome back.  I went back through your posts, it looks like you are divorced for 12 years now.  Do you know, or can your share if your child / children have emotional / mental health issues?

   My uBPDw, blamed me for everything 4 years ago.  Her therapists have been good and have helped her realize some of her contributions too, even a year ago she could not do this, and it was all my fault.  For those who have issues, can learn to shift their perceptions with a lot of therapy - my wife is the exception, not the rule.

   Take care.

SD

[Brokenmind]

At the very end yes she blamed me. The gaslighting of me being jealous and not her was the hardest one. She would send the most vile messages whilst I’m at work about me cheating. I never did cheat but I caught her twice.

Whats weird is that during the relationship which lasted 12 years she used to accept blame only when it was blatantly obvious, like a lie, but even then she would scream Im  “overwhelming” her and throw a tantrum (pulling her hair etc) then once it got too much I would attempt to leave the house and she would threaten suicide.

[Pensive1]

My BPD ex very rarely apologized during our 25 year relationship. I was always the one apologizing, profusely. The only occasions when she'd apologize and own fault was when both of the following two conditions were fulfilled 1. it was about something very minor (e.g. her acting irritably toward me), and 2. if I hadn't pointed it out first. Even when those conditions were fulfilled, apologies from her were rare. She'd often be furious at me when I'd done absolutely nothing wrong. And she blamed the breakup on me (i.e. after she started an affair with a new guy and then dumped me). She'll portray herself as having no choice (completely rationalizing/justifying her actions). In fairness, I do have my own mental health issues (from a traumatic childhood), and she certainly had some legitimate grievances. But trying to be as objective as possible, I would say I was responsible for at most 1/3 to 1/4 of the problems between us.

After the breakup, two years ago, she wanted to retain me as essentially a platonic husband/friend (while she continued her affair with the new guy, who is married and living in another city). I've recently imposed boundaries to minimize contact with her. But I've been a mensch in continuing to provide support and love to her son (my stepson), who is struggling terribly with addiction. She will now apologize somewhat more frequently - even, on occasion, for something substantial. And now, when talking about the demise of our relationship, she will take some ownership, but not in the sense of normal accountability/responsibility. For example, she will say that because of how she was victimized in her own traumatic childhood, she was unable to trust me more, and that contributed to our problems.