From L2 to L3 First Steps

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Well, here I am then, next stage. Ok only a few days and admit to spending a lot of my day and most evenings a heartbroken mess but I guess I have to start somewhere. Also I admit I am terrified, I cannot stop loving my ex and thinking of him constantly, I would so like this pain to stop. What a naïve statement, that's what we all want.  I am fortunate to work from home and only have to visit construction site once a month for a client meeting so that makes things so much easier. I am moving from Norfolk to Anglesey, an island just off North Wales. I have family living there so they will be my support. Not a lot else yet to say, no doubt I will have by the morning. Thanks to everyone for your support so far and very good luck to everyone else here. I can honestly say I would not have made this move without this amazing site.   x

[Sadly]

Well, here I am then, next stage. Ok only a few days and admit to spending a lot of my day and most evenings a heartbroken mess but I guess I have to start somewhere. Also I admit I am terrified, I cannot stop loving my ex and thinking of him constantly, I would so like this pain to stop. What a naïve statement, that's what we all want.  I am fortunate to work from home and only have to visit construction site once a month for a client meeting so that makes things so much easier. I am moving from Norfolk to Anglesey, an island just off North Wales. I have family living there so they will be my support. Not a lot else yet to say, no doubt I will have by the morning. Thanks to everyone for your support so far and very good luck to everyone else here. I can honestly say I would not have made this move without this amazing site.   x

[once removed]

hey sadly 

i will welcome you to the board but im very sorry for the situation that led you to it.

its okay for you to love your ex. no one should expect otherwise. this is a loved one to you, and detaching is a process, one that is painful, and grief inducing  . throw in mental illness and it can really complicate such an already complicated process.

im glad you have family and will soon be closer to them. have you discussed your situation with them? its great that youre keeping up work too, i can tell youve built a foundation that will go a very long way as you recover.

[jhkbuzz]

Well, here I am then, next stage. Ok only a few days and admit to spending a lot of my day and most evenings a heartbroken mess but I guess I have to start somewhere. Also I admit I am terrified, I cannot stop loving my ex and thinking of him constantly, I would so like this pain to stop. What a naïve statement, that's what we all want.  I am fortunate to work from home and only have to visit construction site once a month for a client meeting so that makes things so much easier. I am moving from Norfolk to Anglesey, an island just off North Wales. I have family living there so they will be my support. Not a lot else yet to say, no doubt I will have by the morning. Thanks to everyone for your support so far and very good luck to everyone else here. I can honestly say I would not have made this move without this amazing site.   x

I'm so sad for you, yet so happy that you're taking the steps to take care of yourself, to reconnect with people who love you, to put your life back together. You're investing in your future and as hard as it is to do right now, it will pay big dividends in the long run.

You will think about him for a while, you will be sad, you will be angry... .but over time you'll begin to detach in a healthy way, and heal.

Be gentle and compassionate with yourself; you've been through emotional trauma. Take good care of yourself!

[Sadly]

Thank you both, very much. Last night I had sad dreams and the ache I woke up with was heavy but here I am still. I bumped into ex yesterday evening at local shop. it was awkward and sad. Brief talk about what wine we had bought, his pink mine white which was hard because we always used to buy that together. I said this was weird so he leaned forward and gently touched his cheek to mine and we went our separate ways. Later he texted me to say that was awkward but you are looking well. I replied yes, we must break the habit of going to the shop at 6 p.m. that I would go earlier and it would be easier when I had moved. Moved, he replied, where? Anglesey I said and he wanted to know if I had found somewhere. I answered two places to look at and my family were looking. Then silence! Don't know what is going on in his head now but am fighting like mad not to wonder. I know I can't be sucked back in but it is so so hard. Onwards and upwards I guess.   xx

[jhkbuzz]

One of the strangest things I did with my ex (in my mind) was split her into "two people" - the good and the bad. The "good her" was lovely but the "bad her" was emotionally abusive and traumatized me badly. After a while, it was almost like I was trying to save her "good self" from her "bad self". This effort almost broke me - it's undoubtedly the most misguided and self-destructive things I've ever done.

Why in the world did I split her into two? I think it was in part because I couldn't reconcile the fact that someone I loved and admired could be so very cruel. Someone who could be so kind, funny, warm and loving could also be unempathetic, cold, dishonest and disloyal. For months I couldn't comprehend that all of those characteristics were rolled into one person... .but I can now. I've stopped ruminating on the "good her" and accepted that, because of her mental health issues, her behaviors can range from charming to emotionally destructive.

Be careful that you're not falling into the trap of ruminating on the "good him."  This is some of what you said in your very first few posts:

"He has already ready told his family and workmates we are no longer together and says the same to me. No kisses on texts, no hugs, we sit apart. He is unkind and makes me cry a lot then gets angry with my tears and calls me sulky... .He will lie next to me in bed and bring himself to orgasm as if I wasn't in the room, so demeaning and hurtful... .At present I am sitting crying, beaking my heart, I feel so horribly lost and lonely and devastated and worthless and pointless. I need to walk away."

[Sadly]

Thank you so much, that is exactly what I need right now. I was in danger of doing that, do it all the time. I think I was also starting on the path you took so thank you for that also. God this is so hard, thank heavens for you.   x

[jhkbuzz]

Thank you so much, that is exactly what I need right now. I was in danger of doing that, do it all the time. I think I was also starting on the path you took so thank you for that also. God this is so hard, thank heavens for you.   x

You're welcome, Sadly   

I think the part of my healing that took the longest (and was the most difficult) was the effort to stop splitting her into two people. It is a common struggle for people on these boards, and yes, it's very very hard.

Try to do something every day - an ACTION - that will bring you closer to where you're going (your move, your new place, your new life). Pack a box. Learn more about the towns you're thinking about moving to. Make a list of the things you need to do to get ready for the move. Action is the remedy for rumination.

And, take good, gentle care of yourself. Go have lunch with a friend. Take a long walk. Get a little exercise in. Treat yourself well. You deserve it.

[Sadly]

Very very bad time at moment. In bits. Called doctor and got some medication plus he is arranging appointment with therapist but may be a long wait. Am so very desperate right now, where has this come from. Am crumbling inside. Help me someone.

[once removed]

hey sadly 

we are here. can you elaborate on this recent development? im confused. who called the doctor and got medication?

do i have it correct that arranging an appointment with a therapist? are you confused about how to proceed?

[jhkbuzz]

Very very bad time at moment. In bits. Called doctor and got some medication plus he is arranging appointment with therapist but may be a long wait. Am so very desperate right now, where has this come from. Am crumbling inside. Help me someone.

Sadly, it sounds like you requested some medication for yourself, and you had another contact with him and he told you that he is going to see a therapist. If I've understood the situation correctly, then this sounds like the "extinction burst" that I told you about. He will say many things to try to keep you from leaving, but once you agree to stay the old behaviors will resume. It takes many, many years to recover from BPD, and your current reality with him will not magically change overnight. He will still be the same person for a long time to come.

If you think you can deal with those behaviors, then reconsider your decision - but only if you're ready for more of what you described in your original posts. Keep your eyes wide open. Actions, not words.

[Sadly]

I got medication for me. Doctor is arranging for therapist but may be sometime. I am at the worst I have ever been. I called time but have also been rejected by him. He doesn't want me anymore. I don't forget what I wrote in my L2 posts, how he treated me but I love him so very much. Am calling the Samaritans now, it is our suicide helpline. If it wasn't for worrying about my little cat I wouldn't even bother. Thank you all for your support. The pain and loneliness is too much for me to bear.

[Yolanda123]

Sadly I hear your pain. It can be overwhelming I know - I don't know what to say but you are not alone   

[Yolanda123]

Please call this helpline. And post here, let me know how the call goes. Feel free to PM me if it can help 

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, Sadly, I'm sorry to hear that you are in pain.  Yet as many here will attest, you are going through normal withdrawal symptoms from a BPD r/s.  It hurts!  Yet going "through" the pain is necessary if you are going to come out on the other, happier side.  There is a strong urge to alleviate the pain through a recycle, which usually leads to even more pain down the line.  Many here (including me) have been in your shoes and you're not the first to walk down this path.  Let us know how we can help.

LuckyJim

[jhkbuzz]

I got medication for me. Doctor is arranging for therapist but may be sometime. I am at the worst I have ever been. I called time but have also been rejected by him. He doesn't want me anymore. I don't forget what I wrote in my L2 posts, how he treated me but I love him so very much. Am calling the Samaritans now, it is our suicide helpline. If it wasn't for worrying about my little cat I wouldn't even bother. Thank you all for your support. The pain and loneliness is too much for me to bear.

Sadly, I promise you that life WILL get better... .you will not always be in the pain you feel today; you will heal and be whole again.

This is important to hold in your mind; to repeat and meditate on as much as you need to:  You weren't "rejected" by him; he has a mental illness that renders him incapable of having a healthy, whole, loving r/s. This fact is independent of you; it has nothing to do with you personally. His BPD existed before you; it will exist after you, and his illness is not a reflection on your worth, your lovability, or anything else.

Part of the problem is that you're completely enmeshed with him. I understand because I was enmeshed with my ex and breaking up felt like someone plunged their fist in my chest and ripped my heart out - without anesthesia. But I'm here to tell you that the pain ends. Healing begins. Hope rises.

Don't give up. Please let us know how you're doing.

[maxen]

Hi Sadly. I'm so so sorry for your situation but I'm very happy to read that you're calling Samaritans. I've used them too and it's a great step you're taking to help yourself. Please also stay in touch here. We want to know how you're doing! 

[Suzn]

Hello Sadly

I'm sorry you're so upset.    

I got medication for me.

This will help a great deal. Being able to assess our needs is essential for our well being. I'm also glad to hear you are reaching out to the Samaritans. Do you have friends or family close to talk with as well?

It's nice you have your little cat to snuggle with, they are such a comfort when we need it. I have 3 of my own. What's your cat's name?

[Turkish]

Suzn beat me to it! I was also wondering what your little kitty's name was.

Please let us know how you are doing. I sometimes struggle with severe thoughts. You get through it, then wonder why. Then another day they can come back. Many people struggle like this, and I'm glad you're taking the time to reach out to others. 

Turkish

[Sadly]

Thank you to all for your reply. I don't think I have ever been this bad. The medication makes me feel worse right now. I don't think I want to die but am not sure I just don't want to live with this pain anymore. I don't know what to do. I cannot burden my friends and family with this. I'm so so tired and lost. I slept off and on last night but when I woke up this morning I was crying. I didn't know it was possible to cry in your sleep. My little cat is called Sweets. She is very loving and totally bonded with me. I have had her for 9 years. I am drifting about my house aimlessly and cant settle to anything. I don't know what to do.

[jhkbuzz]

Thank you to all for your reply. I don't think I have ever been this bad. The medication makes me feel worse right now. I don't think I want to die but am not sure I just don't want to live with this pain anymore. I don't know what to do. I cannot burden my friends and family with this. I'm so so tired and lost. I slept off and on last night but when I woke up this morning I was crying. I didn't know it was possible to cry in your sleep. My little cat is called Sweets. She is very loving and totally bonded with me. I have had her for 9 years. I am drifting about my house aimlessly and cant settle to anything. I don't know what to do.

I understand that feeling - intimately. It's hard and sad and lonely and, in some ways, completely beyond words - but it passes. It really does.

You said that you can't burden your friends and family - but I suspect that if they knew how terribly you were feeling they would envelop you with love and support - and some hugs, which you could really use right now. Imagine if they were in the situation you were in - wouldn't you reach out with love towards them? They will do the same for you - don't shut them out. Think about reaching out to at least one of them today.

I don't know if sharing this will help you, but I hope it will: the pain you're feeling is not completely about him. It's easy to look towards him and say, "There! There is the source and the reason for my pain!" - and that's partially true, but it's not the entire story. Some of the pain that you're feeling is a very old pain that existed before him and has nothing to do with him - he has simply brought it to the surface. True healing from these relationships starts when you begin to address THAT pain. It's okay that you're not ready to do that yet - you first have to get through these first several months - but I've shared this to let you know that the power to heal lies within YOU - and you will begin that journey when you are ready. And on the other side of it is healing and peace.

My heart goes out to you because I was exactly where you were a year ago. But I'm here to tell you that I'm on that healing journey now and I have hope again. You will, too - I promise.

[Sadly]

Thank you again. I am struggling at present to contemplate getting through the next few minutes let alone months. I do so appreciate what you are saying though. x

[Suzn]

Aww Sweets, what a perfect name for a snuggly kitty.

Sadly, so glad see you here today.  

Have you considered going to the hospital? There are therapists there who will know exactly how to help you right now. It would be really helpful for you to sit and talk to someone in person. Therapists usually have great insightful perspectives and can help us see things that we may not. Meds usually take a couple days to feel effective. Hang in there, they will kick in.

Do keep checking in with us. We may not be blood related but we see you as part of our family here.  

[Sadly]

I don't think I am coping at all. I know I am not. Someone I know asked him what was wrong, why weren't we together properly anymore even though we spend most of our time together. He said that I didn't want/couldn't go down the just friends route. She was cross, told him that if you were the hurting person and someone says they just want to be friends is like your dog dying and your mother says you can keep it anyway. He told her the spark had gone! I replay those words over and over in my head. It's killing me. I don't know but we have just spent the last 24 hours together, nice dinner, tv, few hours sleep and 8 hours sat watching films and stuff on my sofa and not once has he touched me, not my hand or anything. He likes my company! and all the while I am slowly dying inside.

[Suzn]

He said that I didn't want/couldn't go down the just friends route.

I don't know but we have just spent the last 24 hours together, nice dinner, tv, few hours sleep and 8 hours sat watching films and stuff on my sofa. He likes my company.

He said he didn't want to go down the friends route? Or you said this? Either way, spending the evening together in this manner sounds like the friends route doesn't it?

And, either way, you both seem to be looking for comfort. If he is spending time with you after a split was decided right?

Some controlled contact may be in order, for both of you. This can help with our own abandonment fears, we all have them to some degree. Slowly pulling yourself out of this relationship by finding other ways to comfort yourself before another contact with him. As it seems you are both willing to "go the friends route" for the moment. I'm only looking at the actions not the feelings.

The feelings you are expressing are painful for you and hard to deal with. Let's think of some ways to help you cope with these, it's good to mentally prepare if you indeed plan to spend time with him. It's good you have resources in place, such as the Samaritans who you planned to call. We want to be careful with friends who help keep the unsettling feelings going, such as your friend who told you what he said. Looking back now, how much did that help you? Spending time with friends is helpful, setting a boundary on what is discussed can help. Deep breathing, taking a walk to clear your head, take a long, hot shower, calling a friend or family member, etc...

Doing these thing intentionally can help us get through the day ... .or the next moment. What can you do in the moment to help ease these feelings? Posting here is also a way to cope. Keep posting, it helps.

[Sadly]

it's him, he wants to go down the friends route, I always said I never could but I have tried these past few weeks, pathetically hoping he would change his mind. We shared a comfortable life together, with me mainly doing all the running around so for weeks I have been waiting, hurting all the time I am with him but never being able to say no until a week ago. I tried so hard, explained to him how I felt, he kept saying he was sorry, that he hadn't wanted to hurt me. Then came the lost its spark comment. yet still again, Yesterday afternoon he turned up at my door and I opened myself to the hurt all over again.  He is being selfish I know this, he likes it this way but I just cant cope with any of it anymore. I am collapsing inside with pain. Hurt and lonely when I am with him, hurt and lonely when I am not. There's something wrong with me, I cant stop crying, the pain is a physical thing and I keep finding myself curled up on the floor. I told him I don't want to just be this close friend in his life, what happens when he meets someone else, what would happen to me then, go out with them as a friend? He tends to ignore things if he doesn't have an answer and forgets! some things that have been said. I know he is a selfish user, so why why why do I love him like this. He is like a drug to me except I don't get highs anymore, just deep lows.

[Suzn]

He is like a drug to me except I don't get highs anymore, just deep lows.

This is good insight Sadly. Yes, these relationships are akin to addiction. So is it fair to say you are going through withdrawals? What you are feeling is completely normal. Break ups are hard even when they are mutually decided upon. Add in BPD/npd in the mix and they can be devastating.

Crying all the time at first is a normal reaction to deep pain and as hard as it is it's healthy to let the tears flow. This helps us get to the other side of the pain. This will subside even though it doesn't feel that way at the moment.

What was your life like before him?

[Sadly]

I have been alone for a long time. Not really interested in having anyone in my life. I don't trust easily. I was quite happy, I have one or two friends even we are totally different. I worked and looked after my house. Loved gardening and reading. Its never bothered me to be solitary and if I do go out I am quite gregarious and enjoy meeting people. I had a very bad abusive childhood from when I was 8/9  by my grandfather but no-one in my family knows. That is why this is so bad. I trusted him implicitly with my secrets, hopes, fears everything. Our love for each other was blinding and breathless like I had never known before. Then bam. gone, confusion pain, accusations, anger, the usual stuff written on these boards that leaves you bewildered and scared, like treading on shifting sand instead of solid earth. And then we get to the point I am at now. Like I said earlier, I don't think I want to die, I just can't stand living with this pain. I really can't bear it. I read somewhere that death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. I totally agree with that now.

[Suzn]

That is why this is so bad. I trusted him implicitly with my secrets, hopes, fears everything.

I would venture to guess that you are right, this is why this is so bad. This relationship opened old wounds that weren't tended to, that weren't grieved. Had you considered a therapist to help you through the old wounds? I know you said you are waiting for an opening at present but I'm referring to what happened with your grandfather. Have you had counseling before?

I read somewhere that death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. I totally agree with that now.

I get it. I agree with this to a certain degree, my first thought is it would depend on who you ask.

How is your relationship with family? Your mother? Dad?

[Sadly]

I did have therapy a long time ago for quite a long time. It allowed me to live my life quite well but I always have had trust issues. My parents have died and one of my brothers is a horrid person that neither my other brother and myself have anything to do with. My nice brother works away at sea for long spells and has a young family, he also lives hundreds of miles away but I have been thinking of moving up that way. Its even more difficult because my ex lives across the road from me. I have honestly thought when I have been angry  and hurting of wishing he was dead. Then I wish I was.

[Yolanda123]

Hey Sadly 

Posted by: Sadly 

it's him, he wants to go down the friends route, I always said I never could but I have tried these past few weeks, pathetically hoping he would change his mind. We shared a comfortable life together, with me mainly doing all the running around so for weeks I have been waiting, hurting all the time I am with him but never being able to say no until a week ago. I tried so hard, explained to him how I felt, he kept saying he was sorry, that he hadn't wanted to hurt me. Then came the lost its spark comment. yet still again, Yesterday afternoon he turned up at my door and I opened myself to the hurt all over again.  He is being selfish I know this, he likes it this way but I just cant cope with any of it anymore. I am collapsing inside with pain. Hurt and lonely when I am with him, hurt and lonely when I am not. There's something wrong with me, I cant stop crying, the pain is a physical thing and I keep finding myself curled up on the floor. I told him I don't want to just be this close friend in his life, what happens when he meets someone else, what would happen to me then, go out with them as a friend? He tends to ignore things if he doesn't have an answer and forgets! some things that have been said. I know he is a selfish user, so why why why do I love him like this. He is like a drug to me except I don't get highs anymore, just deep lows. 

It was really hard for me to end the r/s with my exBPDbf, and to itiniate NC. I loved him very much and cared tremendously about him. I had really great times with him. Just like you, I don’t open up easily and I had been alone a long time before I met him. I trusted him, opened up to him completely, and I truly believed I had finally met the love of my life, after all. And this is why it feels like such a betrayal and is so painful. Because WE believed it was real, with all our hearts.

But I also knew that I could not continue in a r/s where I felt disrespected, where I was lied to, where there was just more and more chaos, confusion and pain, where my feelings and needs were not heard, where the reality was twisted around.

I totally understand the urge to see him and be with him. I am still getting this urge after 2 months. But it gets better. Maybe you need some time away from him to really take some distance and think: it is Worth continuing a Relationship, or a friendship with him? Is it worth the pain and confusion that it brings you?

NC has been a great help for me in being able to detach and be more rational about the situation, and starting my Healing process. In the few weeks following the b/u, my exBPDbf kept popping up on me to talk, and every time I saw him it brought back full-blown confusion, guilt, and sadness. I needed the distance from him to heal. He was darn good at manipulating me, he could pretty much have me believe anything in order to keep me around to fill his own needs or soothe his fear of abandonment, whatever he needed at this moment in time to soothe himself. He really was a pro at pulling me back in. That’s why I needed to make the decision to take my distance, because any interaction with him was just too painful. I knew that it could only get worse, not better. People with BPD don’t change, unless they want to. And in the long run, we are getting hurt more and more.

Do you think you could implement boundaries with him so that he does not show up at your place like he did yesterday? Establish NC and then have the time to take a step back, take care of yourself, you’ve already taken good steps in doing it, seeing your doctor, getting medication, the Samaritans, posting here. Do you think this could work for you? NC might be another step, hard but necessary, for you to get better. I know it did for me.

Take care Sadly   you are not alone in this