back in contact w/Elderly uBPD mom

[Only Child]

I had been in NC with my uBPD elderly mom for the past 8 months.  She is 93-1/2 and has not mellowed out, only gotten worse.  She's more devious in her old age.  I thought, after 9 months, I was ready to handle a visit of a few hours.  It seemed like an impossible task for me as a 65-year old daughter to be in NC with my elderly mom when she has so many chronic and serious illnesses, on top of uBPD.   She periodically falls or goes to ER for various medical issues and whatnot, so I  thought I'd try to re-establish contact.  

I had told myself beforehand, to prepare myself, that she's probably not going to be any different--possibly worse--but to try to maintain some type of compassion about her end-of-life issues and that it was probably best we be in contact because things come up.  

Of course after only a few hours, I was ready to scream and pull my hair out and run out of there forever.  She was trying to push my buttons and manipulate me using money as the tool.  She seems to like to hold it in front of me like dangling a carrot--she promises, then takes it away.  She told me she had changed the Trust, without letting me know, in such a way that seemed like her usual self--doing things behind my back that would obviously upset me--without having a discussion about it first.  She also told me she would be withdrawing other monetary support in another 6 months.  I know this her money and she has the right to do that, but I have been living on poverty (SSDI) income for the last 5 years and I was under the impression that she was going to continue to contribute some money each month until she passes on.  Yesterday's visit, she apparently changed her mind.  I have not been able to work for the last 5 years because I have PTSD, chronic anxiety and depression, and I'm a mess from my life with only this uBPD mother as my family.   I have very little income, and she's playing cat and mouse games with money and teasing me mercilessly.  I have resolved that I need to stay in contact, so I need words of support on how to maintain detached compassion, and not to get wrapped up in her crazy thinking and the conclusions she comes up with, all on her own, which are harmful to me.

[HappyChappy]

I had been in NC with my uBPD elderly mom for the past 8 months... .Of course after only a few hours, I was ready to scream.  She was trying to push my buttons and manipulate me using money as the tool.  She seems to like to hold it in front of me like dangling a carrot--she promises, then takes it away... .I have not been able to work for the last 5 years because I have PTSD

Only Child my heart goes out to you in what is a difficult time. Not least for the fact that much of what you write resonates. I have PTSD and am considering re-connecting after several years of NC. And yes the money thing is my BPD main game, including as you say offering and then taking it away.

The money game plays on F.O.G. and poverty is a fear we all share. I guess we have to show no reaction to a BPD hitting our triggers, or it will just encourage them. I wonder if you can turn this on its head and make it clear that as you need an income, this prevents you from finding time for your mom.  As I understand it, BPD can part with their money, if they see a direct benefit coming back. So for example my BPD has an impoverished family member, but she never helped out, until they said they couldn’t afford the train ticket to come and see her. My BPD bought that ticket, in more ways than one.

From what you say your BPD mom hit you like a Tsunami. But maybe you’ll get use to it, build coping mechanisms. Let me know how it’s goes.

[HappyChappy]

Woops - I keep doing this !

[Only Child]

I heard the part you said about not letting the BPD know what triggers you, because it only encourages them (gives them more ammo to work with).  I had resolved to do that, but she has already busted through that ... .she even asked me to make a list of things that bother me about her, and I did, and she's already breaking those rules.  Yes, it's a very, very tough time.  I could go on and on, but even writing about it gets me upset, so I'll stop here, and thanks for your help, and anyone else who chooses to offer some words of help around maintaining serenity and composure and compassion with their uBPD elderly mother