Whoa... BPDex is pregnant... again

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

When I first started dating this girl she was pregnant from her ex-bf who she told stories about having been abusive.

Before I left she would hint about having a kid together. After I left she behaved pretty badly and rebounded with a guy I knew. I have a mutual Facebook friend with her mother and stumbled onto my ex's mother's page who posted she was going to have another grandkid in November. This means my ex got pregnant a month into the relationship with my replacement.

WOW.

[disorderedsociety]

When I first started dating this girl she was pregnant from her ex-bf who she told stories about having been abusive.

Before I left she would hint about having a kid together. After I left she behaved pretty badly and rebounded with a guy I knew. I have a mutual Facebook friend with her mother and stumbled onto my ex's mother's page who posted she was going to have another grandkid in November. This means my ex got pregnant a month into the relationship with my replacement.

WOW.

[Heldfast]

Avoid that circus, avoid those monkeys. Just know that there but for the grace of god go you.

[jhkbuzz]

My ex wanted to have a baby as soon as we moved in together. I thank God that we didn't.

[rotiroti]

a-bomb dodged!



That was one of my biggest fears after leaving. Getting a call that I was going to be a parent.

Seriously, stay safe everyone! If someone doesn't want to use protection that's a huge  . BPD or not

[disorderedsociety]

I feel kind of guilty for being so happy about this, but it confirms the guy she was complicit with in replacing me is indeed an idiot and that she's still a head case.  

I guess karma really is a mf. Also this seems to happen in a cycle because she was really pushing me to have a kid with her toward the end and I guess that carried over to the next one. Woow

[jammo1989]

Ha ha, this is exactly the same situation I was in, she begged me for a 3rd child, during the last 2 months of the relationship, then after this failed by me saying no, she cut me out of her life, and got pregnant 2 months after being instantly replaced by the new guy.  I can laugh about all this now, but why do you think your ex as well as mine was so over the top when it came to this?

[disorderedsociety]

Ha ha, this is exactly the same situation I was in, she begged me for a 3rd child, during the last 2 months of the relationship, then after this failed by me saying no, she cut me out of her life, and got pregnant 2 months after being instantly replaced by the new guy.  I can laugh about all this now, but why do you think your ex as well as mine was so over the top when it came to this?

Well, mine was attractive but used to be a lot bigger so she has physical souvenirs of that time; given she's not ~conventionally~ attractive I can see where she would a feeling of security in having children to attempt to lock a guy down vs being super seductive and flirtatious (although she flirted with other guys behind my back and in front of me.)

I can't imagine what the replacement's attitude is toward her being pregnant... .He didn't seem like the type to want kids but he's a 'dutiful' type who likes to help others out albeit a tad narcissistically so I'm guessing she's got him wrapped around her finger. I always could tell there was something off when she tried to play sweet. In recent photos her facial expression is just like... ."I'm dying inside" its very weird.

[jammo1989]

Ha ha, this is exactly the same situation I was in, she begged me for a 3rd child, during the last 2 months of the relationship, then after this failed by me saying no, she cut me out of her life, and got pregnant 2 months after being instantly replaced by the new guy.  I can laugh about all this now, but why do you think your ex as well as mine was so over the top when it came to this?

Well, mine was attractive but used to be a lot bigger so she has physical souvenirs of that time; given she's not ~conventionally~ attractive I can see where she would a feeling of security in having children to attempt to lock a guy down vs being super seductive and flirtatious (although she flirted with other guys behind my back and in front of me.)

I can't imagine what the replacement's attitude is toward her being pregnant... .He didn't seem like the type to want kids but he's a 'dutiful' type who likes to help others out albeit a tad narcissistically so I'm guessing she's got him wrapped around her finger. I always could tell there was something off when she tried to play sweet. In recent photos her facial expression is just like... ."I'm dying inside" its very weird.

The way I look at it all is this, my ex didn't like the fact that her 3 year old wasn't a baby anymore and that she had to now go to school, which meant my ex had to find a job.  The fact that what she wanted and how she felt was a need, it meant that, she wanted a baby and she wanted one now.  The new guy is over the moon and happy because he had always wanted a baby boy, and she gave him one, so on that note, they have both attained what they wanted, she didnt want to work and he wanted a son.  When looking at this in the long term he cant win or at least be on a level ground to her because he, just like any father would do anything for his kid, so he is more likely going to stay as the door matt and she can sustain that from him because that child is now his weakness, which then leads to more control on her part, she now has him exactly where she wants him and in the long term when hes working all hours and shes still keeping the image of the stay at home mum, he will in fact be paying for everything financially and he will also suffer immensely when she discards him in the future, because she was so nasty towards her husband, and hes still not the same guy he used to be, because he doesn't know about such disorders, count yourself lucky, just imagine having to pay someone money every month, while shes already pregnant with the new guy, as well as only allowing you to have that child on her terms, yeah, it would destroy you.     

[once removed]

how are you feeling as a result of this, disorderedsociety?

[disorderedsociety]

how are you feeling as a result of this, disorderedsociety?

At first I was laughing at the poetic justice of it all.

Then while at work (much of my work is automatic and leaves me with a lot of mind space) I started to wonder if I should have had a kid with her, wondered if she wasn't as crazy as I thought. Or that she'll get into therapy because of this guy.

But I think her actions alone tell the true story, that she's manipulative. How could you go from wanting a kid with one guy to actually having one with another guy within 3-6 months?

I'm somewhat convinced that the obsessive thoughts are a form of masochism on my part, beating myself up for things that in all likelihood are false.

[rotiroti]

Exactly, I would not want someone that manipulative (BPD or not) be the mother of my children.


It goes to show that for pwBPD, it's all about the attachment and the 'victim' doesn't matter

[once removed]

how are you feeling as a result of this, disorderedsociety?

At first I was laughing at the poetic justice of it all.

Then while at work (much of my work is automatic and leaves me with a lot of mind space) I started to wonder if I should have had a kid with her, wondered if she wasn't as crazy as I thought. Or that she'll get into therapy because of this guy.

But I think her actions alone tell the true story, that she's manipulative. How could you go from wanting a kid with one guy to actually having one with another guy within 3-6 months?

I'm somewhat convinced that the obsessive thoughts are a form of masochism on my part, beating myself up for things that in all likelihood are false.

i find it completely understandable that this news effects you. hard as ive tried, i am no longer triggered by my ex, but i think discovering she is pregnant would cause me to focus on that news a great deal.

adding a child to the equation does not make a relationship better. it can strengthen things. it can make them worse. if her relationship were to magically improve, if she were to get into therapy, it would frankly say nothing about you or your relationship. thats not easy to see and i dont expect it to be.

to answer your question, my best friend got his now wife pregnant within a month. neither of them are disordered. it was entirely impulsive; neither of them regret it. however, my best friend and his former partner had not expressed desire for kids or attempted to have them. i think it stands to reason that a disordered person may see having a child as an answer to their abandonment fears. a non disordered person might as well.

as for obsessive thoughts being a form of masochism? be easy on yourself. this news is likely a shock to your system. obsessive thoughts are virtually symptomatic of such things. dont ignore them, follow them; see where they lead. what are you really obsessing about, what is it telling you about yourself? ive found in my experience that answering those questions, treating my obsessive thoughts as if they were the string of a balloon, ultimately answered them and helped them cease. youre having doubts and second thoughts; thats the beginning of the string, i think.

youre not off in thinking this way though. depression is a very tricky thing. it quite literally can cause our minds to dig up the most painful thoughts that it can. our minds become our worst enemy. add emotional trauma to that equation, and it leaves us with a great deal to process, and sometimes it is overwhelming; it can feel masochistic.

this may help you with those efforts: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0

[disorderedsociety]

how are you feeling as a result of this, disorderedsociety?

At first I was laughing at the poetic justice of it all.

Then while at work (much of my work is automatic and leaves me with a lot of mind space) I started to wonder if I should have had a kid with her, wondered if she wasn't as crazy as I thought. Or that she'll get into therapy because of this guy.

But I think her actions alone tell the true story, that she's manipulative. How could you go from wanting a kid with one guy to actually having one with another guy within 3-6 months?

I'm somewhat convinced that the obsessive thoughts are a form of masochism on my part, beating myself up for things that in all likelihood are false.

i find it completely understandable that this news effects you. hard as ive tried, i am no longer triggered by my ex, but i think discovering she is pregnant would cause me to focus on that news a great deal.

adding a child to the equation does not make a relationship better. it can strengthen things. it can make them worse. if her relationship were to magically improve, if she were to get into therapy, it would frankly say nothing about you or your relationship. thats not easy to see and i dont expect it to be.

to answer your question, my best friend got his now wife pregnant within a month. neither of them are disordered. it was entirely impulsive; neither of them regret it. however, my best friend and his former partner had not expressed desire for kids or attempted to have them. i think it stands to reason that a disordered person may see having a child as an answer to their abandonment fears. a non disordered person might as well.

as for obsessive thoughts being a form of masochism? be easy on yourself. this news is likely a shock to your system. obsessive thoughts are virtually symptomatic of such things. dont ignore them, follow them; see where they lead. what are you really obsessing about, what is it telling you about yourself? ive found in my experience that answering those questions, treating my obsessive thoughts as if they were the string of a balloon, ultimately answered them and helped them cease. youre having doubts and second thoughts; thats the beginning of the string, i think.

youre not off in thinking this way though. depression is a very tricky thing. it quite literally can cause our minds to dig up the most painful thoughts that it can. our minds become our worst enemy. add emotional trauma to that equation, and it leaves us with a great deal to process, and sometimes it is overwhelming; it can feel masochistic.

this may help you with those efforts: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0

I realize its immature to wish bad things on them, especially if I cared about her. I was guilty of things and so was she, yes. Its easy to blame them and following these thoughts lead to a sort of central feeling of "oh no, I've made a horrible mistake" or "see, you were inadequate and caused unnecessary pain." I try to be as present as I can by being mindful of my breathing and my thoughts but I wind up feeding into the ruminations.

Thank you for the article and your post.

[once removed]

"I realize its immature to wish bad things on them, especially if I cared about her."

its good that you realize that. but it is what youre feeling. i did it too. their mistakes make us feel validated. that doesnt make us bad people, just focused on them. i spent a lot of time invalidating myself, telling myself that what i was feeling was wrong. when i accepted that i felt how i felt, it was lot easier to cope with and figure out where i wanted to go from there.

"Its easy to blame them and following these thoughts lead to a sort of central feeling of "oh no, I've made a horrible mistake" or "see, you were inadequate and caused unnecessary pain." I try to be as present as I can by being mindful of my breathing and my thoughts but I wind up feeding into the ruminations."

i think coming out of these relationships, we all find unique ways to torture ourselves. im not suggesting you explore "why you were inadequate and caused unnecessary pain" or what "horrible mistake" you made. that will certainly feed it. grief can distort our thoughts and feelings. how is your self esteem?

[disorderedsociety]

how is your self esteem?

Intellectually its great. I can think of a million good things about myself. In reality it fluctuates and the thoughts about her & him seem to drain it to where I hear someone laughing and think they could be laughing at me or about what I was thinking (schizotypal?), like a reflex before my rational mind kicks in and talks me out of it.

[rotiroti]

its good that you realize that. but it is what youre feeling. i did it too. their mistakes make us feel validated. that doesnt make us bad people, just focused on them. i spent a lot of time invalidating myself, telling myself that what i was feeling was wrong. when i accepted that i felt how i felt, it was lot easier to cope with and figure out where i wanted to go from there.

wow thank you once removed and disordered for this thread. This was definitely one of the hardest struggling points that i'm still working on! Great to have your guys' perspectives

[once removed]

i dont want to give the impression that i condone wishing bad things on people, or that we should base our recoveries on the mistakes of another. far from it. the more we are able to turn the focus to ourselves, and improve ourselves, the easier it is to resist such urges.

disorderedsociety, what are you doing, and what can you do, to improve yourself and your life?

ps. ive had similar reactions to people laughing, especially if it happens when i walk past them. is this a pattern for you? it might be social anxiety.

edit: sorry disorderedsociety, i realized i asked you what youre doing to improve your life just the other day and you gave me a great answer.

[Heldfast]

Well, I do wish that she eventually does to the replacement what she did to me, the one who knew she was engaged, but courted her affections anyway.

[disorderedsociety]

ps. ive had similar reactions to people laughing, especially if it happens when i walk past them. is this a pattern for you? it might be social anxiety.

edit: sorry disorderedsociety, i realized i asked you what youre doing to improve your life just the other day and you gave me a great answer.

I've struggled with SA since grade school, maybe my whole life. It requires lots of will power and small steps to break the fear.

Yeah, I wanted to tell you that but didn't know how to say that and didn't want to sound rude (big obstacle in daily life sometimes too.)

One big thing that clicked today was something she said toward the end, close to the recycle about her daughter from another guy that she wanted me to raise (along with knocking her up to have our own.)

"I'm sorry, I never should've expected you to raise her."

Now, first hearing that I thought, cool, she has a degree of reason when it comes to understanding my POV and perhaps some of the things I'm feeling.

But after what I've learned about BPD, its possible even that was a way of saying, "I knew I couldn't hook you with that so I'm gonna need to find someone that I know I can hook."

Thoughts?

[once removed]

social anxiety is powerful stuff. ive read up lots on it, and shed a few tears for people far worse off than me. for me its been in spells. you mention youve struggled with it since grade school. was there a triggering event? in my case, it was being bullied.

it would not have been rude of you to remind me that youd already answered the question, i shouldnt have forgotten. im very self conscious when it comes to coming off rude myself, and thats not a bad thing! ill admit too, id struggle with how to remind me, myself

"One big thing that clicked today was something she said toward the end, close to the recycle about her daughter from another guy that she wanted me to raise (along with knocking her up to have our own.)

"I'm sorry, I never should've expected you to raise her."

Now, first hearing that I thought, cool, she has a degree of reason when it comes to understanding my POV and perhaps some of the things I'm feeling.

But after what I've learned about BPD, its possible even that was a way of saying, "I knew I couldn't hook you with that so I'm gonna need to find someone that I know I can hook.

Thoughts?"

understanding your pov is probably limited, but i think it was honest and not malicious. that doesnt mean youre wrong in discerning a more condescending overtone, youd know her better than i would. id take her at her word. she said "im sorry". thats more than some receive. was it backhanded? again, you would know best. it was an attempt, i think, at acknowledging your concerns; a very difficult thing for a pwBPD.

a lot of this, i think, is your psyches way of putting together the puzzle pieces. rumination is not all bad. this recent event has likely reopened so many of these wounds; thats understandable  . the question is how you feel about it. you may feel validated seeing that she made an impulsive decision, but does it cause you to doubt yourself? do you feel having a child would have improved the relationship? and when i ask that, im not asking your intellect, im asking your feelings, if that makes sense.

[disorderedsociety]

understanding your pov is probably limited, but i think it was honest and not malicious. that doesnt mean youre wrong in discerning a more condescending overtone, youd know her better than i would. id take her at her word. she said "im sorry". thats more than some receive. was it backhanded? again, you would know best. it was an attempt, i think, at acknowledging your concerns; a very difficult thing for a pwBPD.

a lot of this, i think, is your psyches way of putting together the puzzle pieces. rumination is not all bad. this recent event has likely reopened so many of these wounds; thats understandable  . the question is how you feel about it. you may feel validated seeing that she made an impulsive decision, but does it cause you to doubt yourself? do you feel having a child would have improved the relationship? and when i ask that, im not asking your intellect, im asking your feelings, if that makes sense.

It was honest... .I'd like to attach a more malicious meaning to it to hide from the pain but I know how hard she tried. I know she loved me deep down and I very seriously considered having a child with her. I think it would have improved the relationship in the sense that I would stop questioning whether we were good for each other and not triggered her abandonment concerns. Even in her unmedicated turbulence she was never the type to cheat or attack me physically. She did throw a few spiteful comments out during rough spots but I know that she very much wanted me there.

That's the part that has me so upset at the moment... .I feel like it could've worked out had I committed to it fully, but I felt like I was missing out on life being with her. Now that I've done some of the things I wanted to do before, its weird but they feel so empty and I like I've lost something special but at the same time its cool.

That's not to say that the relationship was healthy... .I was very co-dependent and she took me for granted. I can't say she's recovered, given her decision to have a kid with the new guy 2 months into their "relationship," but I guess my bottom line point is that, yeah it could've improved the relationship greatly but I feel like it would've been so so much work over a long period of time before she could begin to really dish out the love consistently.

[once removed]

please know that this impulsive decision was not about you or what you could have done differently. not a reflection on you.

you felt like you were missing out on life being with her. i did too. sometimes thats a fear of commitment. sometimes its a very valid reason to exit a relationship. i felt i deserved better (than verbal and emotional abuse). in retrospect, i was right. you do deserve a healthy relationship.

doing the work youre doing (both on this board and in your personal life) will enable you to be more emotionally available to such a relationship. i understand missing your friend and partner. sometimes in a way, it can feel like our recovery revolves around them. at first, it kind of does. slowly, these things youre doing become progress, then routine, then your everyday life.

are you seeing a therapist?

[disorderedsociety]

please know that this impulsive decision was not about you or what you could have done differently. not a reflection on you.

you felt like you were missing out on life being with her. i did too. sometimes thats a fear of commitment. sometimes its a very valid reason to exit a relationship. i felt i deserved better (than verbal and emotional abuse). in retrospect, i was right. you do deserve a healthy relationship.

doing the work youre doing (both on this board and in your personal life) will enable you to be more emotionally available to such a relationship. i understand missing your friend and partner. sometimes in a way, it can feel like our recovery revolves around them. at first, it kind of does. slowly, these things youre doing become progress, then routine, then your everyday life.

are you seeing a theassumed

Thinking that it was a fear of commitment is probably likely and hurts a lot. Thing is, they say like attracts like, so obviously the issues I had/have attracted similar issues in her. So I assume that the relationship was fundamentally screwed. Combine that with the constant "promise you're not gonna leave me or cheat on me?" and her expecting me to raise another man's child and rushing me to knock her up... .Idk, everyone tells me I dodged an atom bomb.

I also didn't find her all that physically attractive anymore after the kid was born (we got together when she was pregnant.) I guess it doesn't matter anyway since its over now and she's with another guy and pregnant, but it did feel pretty ignorant/unwise to jump into that life right out of leaving an abusive home environment at 19.

I was seeing one but she didn't offer anything like schema, CBT or DBT. Just validated my feelings/thoughts (have a hard time telling the difference) which caused more doubt, like am I just making up my narrative to justify having left? Am I just on an ego trip?

Weird thing is when she texted me 4 months into her pregnancy saying, "I heard you're moving, good luck and everything." I have no clue what the motivation was for that, she heard it through a mutual friend is all I know. I can only assume she wanted to bring up being pregnant to rub it in my face like, "I'm so happy now, look what he did that you didn't!" in which case, screw that.

[rotiroti]

I think her message into her pregnancy could be exactly that, wishing you good luck and a farewell

[disorderedsociety]

I think her message into her pregnancy could be exactly that, wishing you good luck and a farewell

I kind of think so too... .Its weird how she makes such impulsive life decisions but can say things that are perfectly reasonable. It makes me think, "everything's normal now with her now that I'm gone, it could've worked out had I been more mature" or something like that.

[once removed]

is the fear of commitment a pattern/habit? because there are situations it is perfectly reasonable to have a fear of committing to. it sounds like youre describing them. if its a pattern/habit that you have connected, then youre really onto something.

"I was seeing one but she didn't offer anything like schema, CBT or DBT. Just validated my feelings/thoughts (have a hard time telling the difference) which caused more doubt, like am I just making up my narrative to justify having left? Am I just on an ego trip?"

finding a good therapist is a process. id encourage you to look and keep looking. disorderedsociety, as youve said, you were unhappy in this relationship. that is justification. if this is a pattern/habit, and you find yourself unusually unhappy, in relationships, frequently, then yes, thats something to examine; something you can change going forward, which therapy would help with. it could be something going on in your history, or it could be the partners you choose, or both. regardless, i think when we reach that point in our relationships, that leaving is a responsible, often kind, thing to do.

"Its weird how she makes such impulsive life decisions but can say things that are perfectly reasonable. It makes me think, "everything's normal now with her now that I'm gone, it could've worked out had I been more mature"

impulsive is likely very normal for her.