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[Parents! Get help here!]

I am struggling very much at the moment trying to deal with my daughter who I believe is suffering from BPD (undiagnosed by a professional as far as I know).  I sometimes feel very isolated and wish I could have someone apart from my family or close friends to discuss my situation with.  When I discuss my feelings in person it usually results in me becoming extremely emotional and distraught and it is affecting not just the way I respond to my daughter but also how I feel about life in general.  At work, I can barely bring myself to string a sentence together. I have browsed a little on this site already and think this might help me deal with the current situation which has reached crisis point.  I am seeing a psychologist to try and help me work through how best to deal with not only my daughter's behaviour and mental health but also my own personal stress.  Sometimes I feel like I am being torn in two.  My head is battling with my heart over her.

[Auslyn54]

I am struggling very much at the moment trying to deal with my daughter who I believe is suffering from BPD (undiagnosed by a professional as far as I know).  I sometimes feel very isolated and wish I could have someone apart from my family or close friends to discuss my situation with.  When I discuss my feelings in person it usually results in me becoming extremely emotional and distraught and it is affecting not just the way I respond to my daughter but also how I feel about life in general.  At work, I can barely bring myself to string a sentence together. I have browsed a little on this site already and think this might help me deal with the current situation which has reached crisis point.  I am seeing a psychologist to try and help me work through how best to deal with not only my daughter's behaviour and mental health but also my own personal stress.  Sometimes I feel like I am being torn in two.  My head is battling with my heart over her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Panda39]

Hi Auslyn54

Welcome to the BPD Family  

First of all you are on the correct board and starting your own introductory post is perfect, this way we can get to know you and your situation.  I also encourage you to read the other threads and jump in if something resonates with you.

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with your daughter I can hear from your post how much you love her and how hard the situation is on you. The good news is you can get as emotional as you want here (we can't see you ) and we also all understand how difficult it is to have a pwBPD (person with BPD) in our lives.  So express those feelings here all you want that's part of what is so nice about coming here we are a safe place to let it out.

Can you expand on your story a little bit?  How old is your daughter?  What does your family look like? Spouse? Other Children?  What has been going on the has led you to "crisis point"? Is your daughter getting therapy? (Good for you getting therapy for you  )  What do you struggle with most in terms of your daughter? 

We'd like to help. 

I'm really glad you've found us the members here "get it" we have all experienced similar issues (it surprised me how much we all have in common when I arrived here a year ago).  You will be tapping into a group of folks that are supportive, will understand, will share ideas, and suggest tools that can help.

Again Welcome you are not alone. 

Panda39

[Auslyn54]

Thank you so much for your post Panda39.  Feeling a slight relief that I have taken the step to join this site.

A little bit more background herewith.  I will call this Part 1 as there is so much to explain :-

I am a 61 year old female.  :)ivorced with two daughters aged 43 and 32.  It is the youngest daughter who I believe is suffering from BPD.  I was divorced when the youngest daughter was just under two years old and raised both daughters on my own whilst also holding down a full time job.  

The bigger issues with my BPD daughter began probably around the time she finished high school and was ready to enter the work force.  She has never really been able to hold down a full-time (or even a part-time) job for more than a few weeks or even days.  The longest she has ever been employed was around 3-4 months doing data entry and she left this job voluntarily as she claimed she was not treated well.  I think it was more to do with her not liking to work in a structured environment rather than being mistreated.  She has therefore been unemployed for most of the time for nearly all of the 14 years since she completed high school.

At around the same time as she completed high school, I discovered she was using marijuana.  When there was a confrontation about this, she swore that she only used it recreationally.  She met a nice young man and moved in with him when she was around 20 or so.  This is probably when she began exhibiting what I would call a mild form of her current behaviour.  There were many times I was called upon by her live-in boyfriend to help him deal with her.  There was always remorse shown after any episodes of explosive behaviour (e.g. rear ending his car when she did not want him to leave her alone).  As she had gradually lost touch with all of her high-school friends, this meant she was left to socialize with her partner's friends most of whom she did not get along with.  Whether or not this was due to her behaviour towards him and them, I don't know.  Her anger then was mostly directed at the boyfriend not myself (that was to start later).

She eventually decided to move out of her boyfriend's apartment and for a short while stayed with me until she found other accommodation.  By this time, I had spoken to numerous professionals about her problems and there was one organisation which dealt with persons up to 25 years old which was able to meet and talk with her on a regular basis and for the main part during this time, she was a lot more happy with her situation.

She moved out and has been moving from place to place for years now.  There is always a problem with her housemates leading to her having to move constantly.  She is at present living with her dad in a very isolated location and this is just exacerbating her problems.  Tried buying her a car to enable her to get out and socialise but she doesn't even have enough money to buy petrol let alone look after it.

At the present time, the only communication I have with her is occasional phone calls which consist mostly of her just screaming at me until she hangs up or numerous texts one after the other abusing me for what I am or am not doing (it depends on what she believes I have done or not done at the time).

She is constantly bringing up things which occurred years ago and accusing myself and my eldest daughter of neglecting/abusing/torturing her.  Some of her allegations are just outrageous.  Occasionally when I get a chance to defend myself, she will almost back-off and even agree that she may not be stating things exactly as they were or exaggerating the circumstances(and I am not trying to make myself out to be a martyr when it comes to my parenting skills).

I am trying to follow recommendations of how to deal with her at the moment but it is like I am being torn in two.  

I haven't covered her continued drug use or her most recent relationship yet.  That will have to be Part 2 I think.  

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Auslyn54 & I'd like to join Panda39 in welcoming you to our family

I'm so sorry for all of the troubles you are having with your relationship with your daughter, but very happy that you have found us! We can help you with learning how to communicate with her in ways that won't escalate a situation, or push every one of her buttons (that information is found to the right-hand side of this page in the TOOLS and THE LESSONS).

I'm looking forward to reading Part 2    And just know that we are here to answer your questions and guide you in your dealings with your daughter as you learn how her mind works. All of us parents know just what you are going through, and want to share what we've experienced and learned, to help you make things better for you and your daughter

[Auslyn54]

Part 2

Not what I was going to cover but since I posted last week, there has been a significant episode which has slightly altered my direction with my daughter.

It all came to a head last Wednesday when my daughter took an overdose of pain killers and posted on social media that she was going to commit suicide.  This was not a private posting but anyone and everyone could see it.  After being contacted by my eldest daughter, I contacted the police and had them visit her.  After making an assessment of her current state of mind, she was taken to a local emergency ward where she was monitored and also spoken to by the mental health personnel.  I had been hoping that she would be admitted for treatment but they simply held her for observation due to the medication then discharged her with a recommendation for Outreach follow-up.  I was able to talk to her briefly whilst she was there and she was very emotional, remorseful but also a bit all over the place.  Rather than running the risk of upsetting her, I arranged to visit her at her residence the following day.

I did meet with her the next day together with her sister and father and we spent about 2 hours discussing as much as we could.  She was still very fragile and emotional and started by telling us that she is not ready to discuss everything.  I have to admit that in the past I did not understand a lot of what she told me she was doing for her health but I came away with a better understanding of what she can or cannot expect to receive as help for her current situation.  It's now been 6 days since the proverbial hit the fan and I have been talking to her every day, trying to keep her on topic about the most urgent matters she needs to get sorted and avoiding subjects which in the past have caused so much friction with us.

She is still exhibiting manic behaviour and thoughts and needs to get back on medication.  She is going to see a psychiatrist about this.  The sooner the better.

I will post further about more backgroud when I catch my breath.