Facing a deal breaker

[Depression = 72% of members]

My BPDgf  will leave for a week (with her ex) to a spiritual retreat in a foreign country. Meditation, yoga, tantra, etc.

I'm perfectly Ok with the spiritual retreat. But not with the ex.

This issue created conflict between us for a month or so but we got to the point at which we decided to focus on positive things and enjoy good time together. And it has been great for several weeks

BUT... .we can't ignore the big white elephant in the room forever. I did make sure to communicate my boundaries to her back then. Actually, to me this is a deal breaker

I value and honor loyalty and fidelity. Those are core values that define me

I gave her some time to close things with the ex. I think I've been flexible and understanding. She has lot's of difficulties in closing certain relationships. I have observed how many of her actual friends (women and men) were actually ex bf/gf or ex friends with benefits  

Many of these ex and ex friends with benefits I have met, and have become friends with them. No problem. I can see there is only friendship. But this guy is kept in the shade, she doesn't wants us to meet. They text a lot and he is obviously interested in getting into her pants. He told her they are "soulmates", he calls her "my woman" and last week he gave her a big amount of money

I really don't appreciate this at all. Breaks the trust completely  

So this morning she emailed me and brought into the conversation the spiritual retreat (she was testing waters). I validated everything I could in her email but also reminded her my values and that this was a deal breaker. If she leaves with the ex I wont be able to stay in the relationship. 

My tone was very centered, warm and confident. Still haven't heard of her.

So... .maybe this will be the end or maybe she will reconsider and cancel the trip, who knows.

I wanted to share this with the board and would appreciate thoughts & feedback on how to deal with this kind of situation.

Thanks

mw

[mindwise]

My BPDgf  will leave for a week (with her ex) to a spiritual retreat in a foreign country. Meditation, yoga, tantra, etc.

I'm perfectly Ok with the spiritual retreat. But not with the ex.

This issue created conflict between us for a month or so but we got to the point at which we decided to focus on positive things and enjoy good time together. And it has been great for several weeks

BUT... .we can't ignore the big white elephant in the room forever. I did make sure to communicate my boundaries to her back then. Actually, to me this is a deal breaker

I value and honor loyalty and fidelity. Those are core values that define me

I gave her some time to close things with the ex. I think I've been flexible and understanding. She has lot's of difficulties in closing certain relationships. I have observed how many of her actual friends (women and men) were actually ex bf/gf or ex friends with benefits  

Many of these ex and ex friends with benefits I have met, and have become friends with them. No problem. I can see there is only friendship. But this guy is kept in the shade, she doesn't wants us to meet. They text a lot and he is obviously interested in getting into her pants. He told her they are "soulmates", he calls her "my woman" and last week he gave her a big amount of money

I really don't appreciate this at all. Breaks the trust completely  

So this morning she emailed me and brought into the conversation the spiritual retreat (she was testing waters). I validated everything I could in her email but also reminded her my values and that this was a deal breaker. If she leaves with the ex I wont be able to stay in the relationship. 

My tone was very centered, warm and confident. Still haven't heard of her.

So... .maybe this will be the end or maybe she will reconsider and cancel the trip, who knows.

I wanted to share this with the board and would appreciate thoughts & feedback on how to deal with this kind of situation.

Thanks

mw

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MaroonLiquid]

If that is your boundary, you need to stick with it if she goes with the other person.  Otherwise, she will see it's not a boundary.  I would say prepare for the worst and hope for the best.  That will be a wake up call if she leves with them and comes back and you aren't there.

[vortex of confusion]

If she doesn't reconsider, are you willing to carry through with ending the relationship?

How much time do you have before she is scheduled to leave for the retreat?

[mindwise]

If that is your boundary, you need to stick with it if she goes with the other person.  Otherwise, she will see it's not a boundary.  I would say prepare for the worst and hope for the best.  That will be a wake up call if she leves with them and comes back and you aren't there.

Thanks ML. I agree

If she doesn't reconsider, are you willing to carry through with ending the relationship?

How much time do you have before she is scheduled to leave for the retreat?

VOC: Yes, I don't have much choice. Otherwise I will be agreeing in having an open relationship.

She is scheduled to leave this weekend.

Thoughts?

[turbo squash]

If that is your boundary, you need to stick with it if she goes with the other person.  Otherwise, she will see it's not a boundary.  I would say prepare for the worst and hope for the best.  That will be a wake up call if she leves with them and comes back and you aren't there.

Thanks ML. I agree

If she doesn't reconsider, are you willing to carry through with ending the relationship?

How much time do you have before she is scheduled to leave for the retreat?

VOC: Yes, I don't have much choice. Otherwise I will be agreeing in having an open relationship.

She is scheduled to leave this weekend.

Thoughts?

It seems to me like you have already realized what you need to do and what will happen. One of the really crappy things about times of crisis and being with someone who has BPD is the uncertainty.

If I were in your shoes, I would keep on asking myself, "Is she seriously going to go through with all of this?" The tough part is, as ML said, is sticking to your boundary. If that is your boundary and she goes on the trip, then staying with her would just result in both of you being unhappy.

I hate it for you. It isn't fair. It isn't right. It just is.

It seems to me that with this diagnosis, some people get lucky and have their SO realize that they are making a mistake and change and others just have to say goodbye.

[Hope26]

Mindwise, I agree with everything others have said here.  Thoughtful and sensitive comments all.  And I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.  The situation would be a deal breaker for me, too.  Hopefully the knowledge that you are doing the right thing to stand firm with your boundary will bring you strength.  And the support of others on this board is a very good thing to have.

[mindwise]

It seems to me like you have already realized what you need to do and what will happen. One of the really crappy things about times of crisis and being with someone who has BPD is the uncertainty.

Absolutely, yes. She just called, hadn't yet read my email so we spoke briefly over the phone. She plans to leave saturday morning. I told her I was certain 100% that it is a deal breaker, she said she is not there yet. Meaning: "I'm not ready to let you go", she told me she loves me, she needs me (I reciprocated "I love you too, want to make this work". I was very serious when talking to her, I guess that's the way I feel about it. Serious. Perhaps I wasn't as centered as I should have been. I mean, I'm sure she could tell from the tone of my voice that a breakup affects me too.

She changed subject abruptly (when she started feeling overwhelmed). I resolved that we should get off the phone and meet this friday in person. She agreed to meet but doesn't wants to discuss this issue. She says it's not that important  

If I were in your shoes, I would keep on asking myself, "Is she seriously going to go through with all of this?" The tough part is, as ML said, is sticking to your boundary. If that is your boundary and she goes on the trip, then staying with her would just result in both of you being unhappy.

Yes, I do ask myself that question but also:

What kind of relatiosnhip do I want?

What do I value in life?

What makes me feel safe, loved and happy?

I hate it for you. It isn't fair. It isn't right. It just is.

Thanks for the support  

It is what it is

It seems to me that with this diagnosis, some people get lucky and have their SO realize that they are making a mistake and change and others just have to say goodbye.

It's a deal breaker, yes. As ML said, I should prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

Mindwise, I agree with everything others have said here.  Thoughtful and sensitive comments all.  And I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.  The situation would be a deal breaker for me, too.  Hopefully the knowledge that you are doing the right thing to stand firm with your boundary will bring you strength.  And the support of others on this board is a very good thing to have.

Hope26 thanks for your kind words, it means a lot to me

It feels great to be part of this board

I am convinced that standing firm with my boundary will bring me strength