I'm pretty much ready to throw the towel in

[Infern0]

I'm still "on the bubble" when it comes to her, I tried backing off this week but all it resulted in was NC for 4 days until I caved and sent a pleasant text today, got a short response and then back to silence.

At this point i'm basically out of options, I have tried to remain patient, but it's been too long now, and I know she has BPD and that leads to all sorts of emotional problems but it comes back to one fact, she will ATTEMPT to have relationships with other people, but these days when it comes to me, the closest we get is a bit of texting, little nuggets of emotion from her and the occasional lunch meeting with plenty of "i need time" etc if I ask where we are.

Idealisation is now 18 months ago and since it ended things never went back, with just glimpses of it for short periods here and there. In this time I have demonstrated that I am invested in this and that I wouldn't abandon lightly, we have been through a lot together but feel as distant as ever. I don't want idealisation back, but i would like some sign that she actually cares, some sign of effort. This is a person who would text me 100 times a day and now, I barely hear from her and she has got no time to go out and do any of our activities together that she used to love doing.

During my period of NC for 2-3 months earlier this year I started to make real progress, I was in the gym 5x a week for 10 weeks and by the end of it I was starting to get back into very good shape, and my self work was clearing the fog and I felt optomistic about my future, but since being back in contact I find myself slipping back into old habits, not working out, having her on my mind too much, spinning my wheels WAITING, for something that may or may never come.

At the end of the day, she isn't communicating well at all and there is little effort, last week I did suggest maybe we should go our seperate ways and it was the most animated i've seen her in months when she didn't want too, and a bunch of excuses (read: lies) for the distance between us. She has admitted to sabotaging us but won't open up any further than that.

I feel I am wasting my youth on this, I mean I want to try, I want it to work, and I know it won't be easy but at the moment there isn't even anything to try for.

I am not decided 100% but at this stage I think i'm going to try a slow fade and move on, it won't be particularly difficult because if i dont contact her i only hear from her maybe once a week, but I just need to stop the "one more try" thoughts that pop up in my head. Also when she realises that i'm backing off, she will probably start telling me she misses me and ramp up her efforts slightly until I start thinking there's hope then she'll back off again.

Today I deleted her number so if there's any further contact it'll have to be initiated on her end.

Unless anyone on this board can give me some sort of reason to have hope, i'm ready to call time on this and move on.

Is there any hope?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[123Phoebe]

Hi Inferno, it's not unheard of for our own emotions to flip-flop back and forth when trying to make sense of and figure out where we stand in our relationships; you're in good company.

but these days when it comes to me, the closest we get is a bit of texting, little nuggets of emotion from her and the occasional lunch meeting with plenty of "i need time" etc if I ask where we are.

My first thought is to stop asking where you are and to start accepting that this is where you are.  So, occasional lunch meetings, you make the most of them and then go on your merry way... .

During my period of NC for 2-3 months earlier this year I started to make real progress, I was in the gym 5x a week for 10 weeks and by the end of it I was starting to get back into very good shape, and my self work was clearing the fog and I felt optomistic about my future, but since being back in contact I find myself slipping back into old habits, not working out, having her on my mind too much, spinning my wheels WAITING, for something that may or may never come.

Oh boy Inferno, can I ever relate to this.  This was my go-to place when I wasn't accepting of how things ARE, but hoping for something different.  I was putting my life-force into the relationship.  Making the "relationship" the most important thing in my life, to the detriment of everything else, above all else.  Realizing that this is who I become when in a relationship; a hopeless romantic.  And he better fulfill my desires or else!   Not very romantic when I put it that way

I can't say whether or not there's hope for your relationship to fulfill you or the lady in your life.  I can say that not working out, having her on your mind too much and spinning your wheels is your own work that needs tending to... .

Today I deleted her number so if there's any further contact it'll have to be initiated on her end.

I don't blame you, I've had similar thoughts.  I wonder though, that if you got back into working out and filling up your life in meaningful ways, her reaching out wouldn't seem so mandatory. 

Do you have plans for today, something that brings you joy?

[formflier]

  I was in the gym 5x a week for 10 weeks and by the end of it I was starting to get back into very good shape, and my self work was clearing the fog and I felt optomistic about my future

Inferno,

Tell me about your workout schedule now.

I'm even more interested in your workout schedule to get YOURSELF mentally and emotionally in shape.

What does your support system look like?

Last thought for now:  Very interested in your statement about spinning wheels and waiting. 

What does that look like?  How could you go about living your life... so that if she comes along... .great.  If she doesn't... .you are not waiting.

FF

[Infern0]

  I was in the gym 5x a week for 10 weeks and by the end of it I was starting to get back into very good shape, and my self work was clearing the fog and I felt optomistic about my future

Inferno,

Tell me about your workout schedule now.

I'm even more interested in your workout schedule to get YOURSELF mentally and emotionally in shape.

What does your support system look like?

Last thought for now:  Very interested in your statement about spinning wheels and waiting. 

What does that look like?  How could you go about living your life... so that if she comes along... .great.  If she doesn't... .you are not waiting.

FF

My workout schedule now is, there isn't one. I feel deflated and worn out and lack motivation, I know this isn't good, not taking care of myself = drop in attractiveness which obviously won't help my cause, i've lost noticable mass and tone, on top of this and i'm ashamed to admit it but my personal hygine has taken a hit too, i'm not dirty but when i wake up in the morning i roll out of bed, throw clothes on and go to work.

I don't have a support system, my friends wont talk to me about her anymore

I think realistically, I need to try to get back to taking care of myself, but i feel "stuck" waiting because I want to know if we are going to try make a go of things or if I should move on. I understand this means I have an unhealthy attatchment which is not good.

I also am lacking energy to get out and socialize so i'm sitting at home every night watching netflix and browsing the internet. not good

I was doing way better during NC, but I can't find that same focus while I am "involved", I need help with this.

To be honest I feel like it's blown now, I haven't done so well with being indifferent and I have let out little signs that it's getting under my skin, I just slip up here and there, the annoying thing was I did briefly see another girl during NC and i got everything right with her but then I told her we had to stop when my BPD came back, and in the beginning I did everything pretty well but then I lost sight of my own behaviour.

I feel like i've torpedoed her attraction for me by going back to the "nice guy" stuff, but that's 20+ years of codependency which i'm trying to snuff out rearing it's ugly head.

The self work i did during NC has been useful because belive it or not, i'm handling this push/pull a lot better than i did last time, i'd say i'm able to take quite a bit of the sting out of it, but clearly i need to do more self work.

Frustrating.

[MaroonLiquid]

I also am lacking energy to get out and socialize so i'm sitting at home every night watching netflix and browsing the internet. not good

I can relate somewhat to this.  I have watched netflix or play video games a lot since my separation a year ago.  I have come to two conclusions with this in my own life.  First, in a way, I am "waiting".  In a way it is sad, but I am trying to do the right thing by my marriage and keep myself "right".  Do I get out and socialize?  Yes and a lot of that comes through coaching.  My friendships have suffered and I am realizing that I feel "embarrased" by everything that has gone on with my wife.  I shouldn't, but I do.  I also don't want to be tempted by other women as it goes against what I believe in regarding the sanctity of marriage. The second thing is, I watch netflix and play video games because "I can".  I'm living alone (for the first time in my life) and don't have to answer to anyone regarding that.  Honestly, it feels kind of nice to not have to.  As far as "rolling out of bed", I can't relate to that aspect (suffering personal hygiend) except to say that I didn't clean my apartment as much as I used to when I first moved in.  It was spotless everyday and I realized it and getting better about it again.  I realized I was fighting some depression at the time and had to pull myself out of it.  It sounds like that may be what you are going through.  Thoughts? 

[formflier]

I don't have a support system, my friends wont talk to me about her anymore

What do they talk to you about?

FF

[Infern0]

I don't have a support system, my friends wont talk to me about her anymore

What do they talk to you about?

FF

Well they are just tired of me being down because of her and having problems, if i mention any difficulties they tell me i need to drop her and move on, she's not worth it, she's a bad person etc etc.

Anyway, still haven't heard from her but had a better day today

[formflier]

 

Do you think it's a good idea to just talk to your friends about other things that are going on in your life?

Maybe a focus on other things (with them) will give you a break... .a breather... .from what is going on in this r/s.

Listen... .they don't understand... .you are still trying to come to grips with this... .

Part of victory over here is building a life for yourself... .outside of the drama that a pwBPD will try to create.

FF