Was it goodbye? Unsure...

[shatra]

Hi---

  We were together for several years (but took "breaks" at times).  I had what sounded like a final breakup phone call with the pwBPD... .though he didn't have a specific reason for the breakup, he said "Good luck to you... .you'll find someone better than me".  From a non-BPD that would sound like a definite goodbye, but what about from a pwBPD? I feel confused about this and I won't reach out to him about it, so if anyone has experience  or insight it would be helpful.

Thank you

Shatra

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[vortex of confusion]

I would interpret it as a goodbye.

Unless or until he says or does something that indicates otherwise, I would act as though it was a real break up.

[shatra]

  I am feeling very sad about it.  The indications that it might not be a final break up are that we took breaks before, there was no real trigger for this breakup (seemed like the BP push-pull), and in the phone call he gave other signals like "Come by any time". So I was thinking it's the "off" part of a cycle, but I am scared because he said I'd "find someone better than him"... .a non would say that and mean it, but I am unsure since BPs shift so often.

  The other indication is that he has said the same thing about other people and things ("I'll never talk to him again" and then later he does, "I'm never going to that store again" and then months later he goes back and loves it, etc.)

Shatra

[turbo squash]

Hi---

 We were together for several years (but took "breaks" at times).  I had what sounded like a final breakup phone call with the pwBPD... .though he didn't have a specific reason for the breakup, he said "Good luck to you... .you'll find someone better than me".  

My wife and I are separated and she has said the same thing numerous times. As VOC has suggested interpreting it, I interpreted it as a goodbye. Yesterday, she got irritable with me after I suggested she follow through on the plans that she made with me. She complained that she was drunk at the time she made the plans. I told her that I wasn't mad at her, but her choosing to bail on me again was her way of choosing to continue towards ending the marriage. She didn't text me or call me all night last night after I told her that by running away, she was choosing to keep moving towards ending the marriage.

This morning she texts me and says that she will pick me up tomorrow morning to go to church. She hasn't reached out this much since before we were separated two months ago. She has only ridden in the car with me once in the last two months, and it wasn't as long a car ride as it will be to get to church and I was the one to pick her up. She has gradually been coming back a little more and a little more, but that only started happening once I took her words at face value. She said she wanted to get divorced and so I talked to an attorney and we started working on an agreement. I stopped chasing her down. I stopped asking her out. I have struggled to not give more emotionally/physically/financially than I should, but I am definitely much more distant than I was during the first month of our separation. I have worked hard to maintain that distance. When she runs away and puts up a wall, I don't call her and text her for hours and hours like I did in the beginning. Last night, I just said, "Okay, looks like you don't want to talk. I'll leave you alone. Don't forget that the rent check is going to come out of our joint account on this date. Have a good night."

After I said that, I didn't text her again the rest of the night and I went out with friends and had a good time.

As I have taken her words at face value, I have felt more sane and she has started coming back.

Even though she is slowly coming back to me, that does not mean that things will work out the same way for you. She may not make it all the way back to me anyways.

As vortex of confusion suggested, take his words at face value. Move forward believing that he is done with the relationship. Work on you. Take care of you. Spend time with friends. Spend time with family.

After I explained my situation (that sounds similar to yours) to my therapist, she suggested that I back off and let my wife make the next move. That is what I have been doing and it looks like things are improving. Will my wife and I get back together? Maybe... .maybe not. I can't control that because whether or not we get back together is her choice. All I can do is work on making myself the best that I can. I still talk to her and meet her relatively frequently, BUT I let her be the one to set up those meetings since she is the one that has said that she wants a divorce.

[shatra]

Thanks for the input. You wrote that your wife has said the same thing numerous times (Good luck to you... you'll find someone better than me".

Sounds like partly pushing away, could be a final goodbye to me, and it could be the pwBPD shame (The BPD doesn't feel high self-esteem, feels shame, splits self all bad, and suggests that the other person find someone better)

  I feel very upset about this.  Yet I have been very upset before with our "breaks", and then he came back.  I seem to be interpreting what he said as final, as a non would mean it, but I also need to look at the source, and a pwBPD saying it might mean next month he doesn't feel that way.

    I definitely cannot ask him about this. I'm keeping busy with support people, but it would help to get clarity here, as I don't get clarity from him!

Thanks

Shatra

[whitebackatcha]

 I feel very upset about this.  Yet I have been very upset before with our "breaks", and then he came back.  I seem to be interpreting what he said as final, as a non would mean it, but I also need to look at the source, and a pwBPD saying it might mean next month he doesn't feel that way.

   I definitely cannot ask him about this. I'm keeping busy with support people, but it would help to get clarity here, as I don't get clarity from him!

We never know with them, that's the thing. There are people here whose partner really did mean it, and many whose pwBPD came back later. There is no clarity about what they're thinking, just the potential for clarity in our own thoughts. THEY might not even know what they intend to do. This is why we need to focus on what we need and want. That is all we can control.

I'm going through the same thing right now. UBPDgf has ended it many times, but this time was different in several ways. Maybe she meant it this time; I honestly thought she would never truly leave. I'm heartbroken, choosing to wait for her (for now)... .and doing my best to heal all the crap that made me end up with someone like this in the first place. I've been thinking about this one a lot lately: https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

[Loosestrife]

 I feel very upset about this.  Yet I have been very upset before with our "breaks", and then he came back.  I seem to be interpreting what he said as final, as a non would mean it, but I also need to look at the source, and a pwBPD saying it might mean next month he doesn't feel that way.

   I definitely cannot ask him about this. I'm keeping busy with support people, but it would help to get clarity here, as I don't get clarity from him!

We never know with them, that's the thing. There are people here whose partner really did mean it, and many whose pwBPD came back later. There is no clarity about what they're thinking, just the potential for clarity in our own thoughts. THEY might not even know what they intend to do. This is why we need to focus on what we need and want. That is all we can control.

I'm going through the same thing right now. UBPDgf has ended it many times, but this time was different in several ways. Maybe she meant it this time; I honestly thought she would never truly leave. I'm heartbroken, choosing to wait for her (for now)... .and doing my best to heal all the crap that made me end up with someone like this in the first place. I've been thinking about this one a lot lately: https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

I can relate to this. BPD feelings shift so randomly that they are not consistent like us non's. My gf would genuinely love me one minute and then one sudden shift would result in her saying she dudnt want to see me ever again. Moments later or sometimes a week or two later she misses. During this time I am heart broken and she is getting on with get social life as normal. She seems to tell all the other people in her life that the r/s is challenging which makes me feel uneasy as the whole world knows snout my r/s. This is partly triangulation.

[shatra]

Thanks for the input. Yes, it is hard to "translate" what the pwBPD means---since as whitebackat wrote, even they don't know what they mean, or they mean "goodbye" at the time, and then change and want us back later.

  Loosestrife, did yours say it was a permanent break up? Did she give a reason for it?

  I am feeling sad and upset. When mine said "Good luck to you... .you'll find someone better than me".  From a non-BPD that would sound like a definite goodbye, but what about from a pwBPD?

Confused,

Shatra

[shatra]

Whitebackatya--

I read the link. I had thought it would be a  link to one of your posts... .would u like to add why your partner "ended it" with you ? And why do you think this time it is permanent, unlike the other times you mentioned?

Shatra

[whitebackatcha]

Whitebackatya--

I read the link. I had thought it would be a  link to one of your posts... .would u like to add why your partner "ended it" with you ? And why do you think this time it is permanent, unlike the other times you mentioned?

Shatra

I misunderstood why she sent me a link about narcissism. I stayed neutral, but her follow up comments led me to believe she was talking about herself. I pointed out how she wasn't like the article. She said she was tired of me hurting her. She left all our common social groups, told me she hoped I found happiness because I deserved it. Then we ended up talking two days later. That night, I deactivated Facebook but told her three other ways to reach me. I tried to let her take the lead. She seemed nice that day, even though we were talking through a conflict. She never contacted me. I texted her a week later, reactivated a week after that. It's been three weeks since I've heard from her. When i reactivated, she immediately blocked me. She has never done any of this before, not for this long.

[brazbeast]

me and my girlfriend go and are going through something similar right now where this may be her final good bye to me and even though we havent been together as long as you i have experienced something similar where she attempted to break up with me because she felt as she wasnt good and was only going to hurt me but we are still together now( i think) so hopefully it will end up ok for you two just give it time

[shatra]

Hi

Thanks for the replies. I ams till struggling with this: When mine said "Good luck to you... .you'll find someone better than me".  From a non-BPD that would sound like a definite goodbye, but what about from a pwBPD?

   Whitebackatya--- THree weeks is not a long time. She may be in  the push away phase of push-pull.

Brazbeast----I have heard that from my pwBP as well----that he feels "less than" me and not good enough for me.

Shatra

[Daniell85]

I have gotten the "goodbye to you!" soo many times. I took it seriously for a long time. Sad, scared, panicked, depressed. Then we pick back up again. Constant recycling.

it's really hard to do, but I just go quiet to him. He starts poking around after a bit. Maybe if you go quiet and go about your business, she will calm down and want to talk again.

[shatra]

 Good advice. I will go about my life. I am so upset though, because in my case we had the break for over 5 months----no contact at all. And then I initiated 2 phone calls---he did not initiate getting together, and said at the end of the call "I wish you good luck. I hope you'll find someone better than me".  That sounds final to me, so I'm worried... .yet it's coming from a BPD, and one who has come back to me after even longer than 8 months. 

Shatra

[Grey Kitty]

How many times has he said goodbye before, and what did it mean the other times?

I've got a friend... .whose ex husband pulls the "I'm going away, moving out of the country, have a good life... .etc... .etc... .etc." schtick by text message every time he has a meltdown. It is his way of crying out for attention, not ending a relationship. At this point, she kinda jokes about it, 'tho she does acknowledge that he is feeling real distress when he does it. But he'll be over it in hours or days, and not actually leave.

The question of what it means should be taken more in the context of his history than BPD in general.

[shatra]

Kitty====

    He has such strong BPD symptoms, and was so unclear about the reasons for the breakup, that I am using BPD as a guide to try to understand and process this.

    We were together for several years.  We never formally ended it---we took a couple of "breaks" before (4 months and 10 months) due to his unavailability and my frustration with it (he was working days, me nights).  When we reunited, I initiated it, and he said "I thought you hated me. I was afraid you were done with me"

   This last time I had said I didn't fully like the sex one time, and then he pulled away.  Then we had a discussion a week later about schedules , I got slightly irritated, and he said If you're gonna get mad at me we might as well end the relationship".      So we ended it, and didn't speak for over 5 months. I called him twice this month, and he reacted badly (he didn't know why we were still speaking!). Maybe he felt engulfed.

   And the call ended with him saying "Good luck to you. You'll find someone better than me".  I feel very upset over this. To me it doesn't look good.

Shatra

[Grey Kitty]

There is absolutely no guarantee that he won't try to reconnect with you later.

But I agree--it doesn't look good. Either for him wanting to be in a relationship with you... .or for you finding what you get with him worthwhile.

So sorry you have to go through this.