HSP, negativity, and not taking it personally

[whitebackatcha]

I love the idea of being the type of person that can let someone else's bad mood roll off my back. I don't know how to accomplish this, never mind being comfortable when irritation or negativity is directed at me suddenly, as a HSP.

It this actually possible? What should I be working on to achieve this?

[Blimblam]

some form of talk therapy could really do wonders.

[whitebackatcha]

some form of talk therapy could really do wonders.

Yes, I've been doing that! I was looking more for advice from people who are familiar with BPD behaviors, as they understand how complicated it can be. My T has essentially said that of course it bothers me, so I just shouldn't be with someone who is moody. On this board, I know there are people who have done self work so they aren't so sensitive to this in the first place.

[babyducks]

It this actually possible? What should I be working on to achieve this?

my two cents -

self validation

I think what hooked many of us into a r/s with pwBPD is their ability idealize and mirror.   

a pwBPD has trouble with self soothing, it could be said that we nons have trouble with self validation.  both can be unhealthy levels of need.

self validation at its most basic level is I am okay regardless of the emotional storm going on around me.

make sense?

[whitebackatcha]

my two cents -

self validation

I think what hooked many of us into a r/s with pwBPD is their ability idealize and mirror.   

a pwBPD has trouble with self soothing, it could be said that we nons have trouble with self validation.  both can be unhealthy levels of need.

self validation at its most basic level is I am okay regardless of the emotional storm going on around me.

make sense?

Yes, thank you. And that is what drew me in, too. I was going through a horrendous time, I had no self esteem, and she made me believe in myself in a way I've never before experienced.

I'm going to think about this today.

[Blimblam]

some form of talk therapy could really do wonders.

Yes, I've been doing that! I was looking more for advice from people who are familiar with BPD behaviors, as they understand how complicated it can be. My T has essentially said that of course it bothers me, so I just shouldn't be with someone who is moody. On this board, I know there are people who have done self work so they aren't so sensitive to this in the first place.

I have quite a bit of experience being around folks with BPD and yes I understand how complicated they can be. There are many ways to achieve a state where people around you don't bother you.  If someone is doing something deliberately to harm you often becoming upset is the appropriate response, but it may trigger past truamas to the surface as well so within that emotion you don't want to experience oddly enough tends to be the way out of it. Its almost like we are attracted to situations that will bring those traumas to the surface.

With a 'bonafied,' analyst or psychotherapist is probably the best space to explore ones inner crap to find your true emptiness. It tends to get worst before it gets 'better.' Perhaps your in the worst before better stage?

Just a warning, you sound vulnerable right now and the snake oil salesmen can pick up on that vibe. "you are broken now but faith can heal you... .what you need is someone strong to guide you like me... .just do everything I tell you to do." Then some spiel about envisioning the person you want to become to get you feeling all warm and fuzzy, and a list of commands that will lead you to the promised land. All praise the snake oil salesman for inspiring us to worship him.

[Blimblam]

I wanted to add something.  A lot of not taking it too personally for me is to recognize the transference of another person by feeling out the counter transference and not identifying myself as that but that its telling me something about the other person. Kind of like some core myth that person clings to, to be able give their life meaning. It can be quite intense at times to feel what someone is hiding from precisely because it taps into that part of myself.

The difficult part is to recognize my own coping patterns and separating myself from them and analyzing them.

[Madison66]

I can certainly relate to being a HSP along with being co-dependent. Self love, self acceptance and self validation were areas I worked on during my recovery and detachment. T was huge for me in helping me heal the old wounds I carried from childhood (alcoholic father and co-dependent mom). I found that was the root of me being HSP and co-dependent. As I was able to cut myself a break and see a little kid in me that didn't deserve what I dealt with as a child, I then began to finally love and accept me for who I am. It was a HUGE game changer for me and has impacted many areas of my life.

So, if you look for the root of your HSP traits you may be able to heal and move forward. Believe me, the last thing I wanted to do was to revisit childhood wounds while I was hurting from the effect my my last r/s! Lotta hurts, lotta work and a lotta healing!

[Klo]

I gave up and started taking Olanzapine. Reduced both my anxiety and agitation by like 90% if I had to measure it. It makes my emotions happen in slow motion (feels like) so I have plenty of time to emotionally process things, and am generally totally calm by the time that's finished, anyway.

I'm not encouraging drugs instead of hard work in therapy, but what I am saying is that they can be helpful in the short term for people in crisis. Effexor is also really good for anxiety in my experience, it's like a magic wonder pill in that regard.

I am somewhat ironically lucky because I have bipolar disorder, so I've been on/off meds over the past several years, and they not only help eliminate mixed states and psychosis for me, but they also have a very noticeable affect on how difficult/stressful my overall daily life is, including dealing with really dysfunctional people.

So again, not saying to not try therapeutic techniques, but just saying that if you find yourself in crisis, or therapy does not seem to be working, I of all people would definitely not a judge a person for getting some help from pharma. I know how chaotic and hellish it is to go through daily life being A. an emotional sponge, and B. surrounded by terribad dysfunction.

[babyducks]

I can certainly relate to being a HSP along with being co-dependent. Self love, self acceptance and self validation were areas I worked on during my recovery and detachment.

Self acceptance and self validation were not something I had many skills at.   Being on the depressive side I had engrained a bunch of negative self talk.   The negative self talk I had were well worn neural pathways that repeated like broken records, worse when I was tired, stressed, hungry or sick.   

I ended up getting about a dozen positive affirmations, and I thought they were kind of schmaltzy when I first found them, I copied them right out of a book.   I wrote them down on 3x5 index cards.     

I work on cutting off the negative repetitive thinking and replacing it with the positive affirmation.

Today's affirmation is "I am always in the right place, doing the right things, at the right time.  I trust the process of life."

You can see how that one is handy to have around when you have pwBPD in your life.   

[whitebackatcha]

I can certainly relate to being a HSP along with being co-dependent. Self love, self acceptance and self validation were areas I worked on during my recovery and detachment.

Self acceptance and self validation were not something I had many skills at.   Being on the depressive side I had engrained a bunch of negative self talk.   The negative self talk I had were well worn neural pathways that repeated like broken records, worse when I was tired, stressed, hungry or sick.   

I ended up getting about a dozen positive affirmations, and I thought they were kind of schmaltzy when I first found them, I copied them right out of a book.   I wrote them down on 3x5 index cards.     

I work on cutting off the negative repetitive thinking and replacing it with the positive affirmation.

Today's affirmation is "I am always in the right place, doing the right things, at the right time.  I trust the process of life."

You can see how that one is handy to have around when you have pwBPD in your life.   

Great idea! Can, "They are a jerk, it is not my fault," be one?   I'm going to think about this.

[Thread]

Baby ducks,

I like that self affirmation! Very nice!

[babyducks]

Great idea! Can, "They are a jerk, it is not my fault," be one?   I'm going to think about this.

Weeeeeeeeeeell, it can be close to being one. 

How about I create only peace and harmony within myself and in my environment.   I am strong.   


and it ain't my freaking fault 



seriously though,   if one barometer of emotional health is how well we accept ourselves and how well we accept other for being exactly what we/they are, without trying to change things, affirmations help.