I suspect wife with BPD traits - feeling low and tired

[Aleks]

Hi,

I am really glad I found this site. I have been married for five years and have a 2 year old child. At first I thought I was so lucky to have met my wife. She seemed so sweet and inocent in the beginning, then things started getting worse. She would throw such a tantrum for such a meaningless thing. Things progressed gradually to a point where I am just fed up with everything in my life. I feel no joy, nothing makes me happy anymore. I feel like I have lost myself. I feel like I am living in her shadow. My entire existence has been reduced to trying to make things better. But things never get better... .on the contrary things have never been worse. Her behaviour has become unbearable. She gets extremely angry for the smallest of reasons... .she picks a fight with me for things which happened years ago and she acts like they just happened... .She blames me for everything and she criticizes my every action. Nothing I do is good enough. She changes moods like Ive never seen before. One minute she is ok, the next moment she is yelling like crazy for whatever reason. I am always the target of her anger even if she was upset because of a conversation with her mother. She blames me for driving her nuts... .she says it's my fault because she is so angry all the time. She says I don't do anything, and I never appreciate her or love her. She is extremely jealous and accuses me of being unfaithful, although that is not true. Even when walking on the street with her she accuses me of looking at other women. Whatever I do is wrong. If she is sick and I ask if I can do anything for her she just tells me to leave her alone, if I leave her alone she accuses me of not caring about her.I don't know what to do anymore... .I have come to the point where I am always tensed around her; I fear that anything I say might get her started. I have always suspected she might have a mental condition but now after reading about BPD I am 100% positive she is ill. A normal person would not behave the way she does. There is no reasoning with her. No logical argument I bring to her makes her see she is so wrong about things. She keeps fighting with me for same things over and over. And all the times it seems like they just happened to her... .things from her past. Her rage seems to have reached extremely high levels. She hates my mother and is under the impression that my mother is trying to get between us... .that's not true of course but in her mind my mother has become a wicked with trying to break us up.

I am completely lost. I really love my son and would like for him to be rasied in a healthy, happy family but sometimes I feel like normality is far from what I am living at home. I am so tired of being reduced to an object of her manipulative games. All I do is try to do things so as not to cause another rage episode but i don't seem to be very successful. I would really like to see her get better but going to a therapist is out of the question. I have asked her to go see one but she says I am crazy and I am the one who needs therapy. She keeps complaining to her family and her friends how terrible I am and how I am the one making her miserable and not appreciate her and blah blah blah... .making them think I am the bad guy. I don't claim I am perfect but I have never bheaved the way she does.

I am so tired of this. Deep down I still love her. I married her because of love but the way she treats me makes me hate her at the same time.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Aleks and welcome!  I am glad you found this site, too.  I am very sorry that you are dealing with all of these hurtful things.  Your story sounds familiar to me.  I have been through much of the same things with my spouse.

Finding this website has helped me cope and given me a place to share with people who understand.

On this site, you will find tons of helpful tools that can help you.  A good place to start is with the lessons on the right side of this page.  The lessons can help you better understand and learn to deal with your situation.

I hope you will find hope and healing.

[getting_better]

Hi, Aleks - big hugs to you, my friend. 

Sounds like you are definitely dealing with BPD traits. I've been married to my wife for almost 24 years, and I can relate to everything you've said in your post.  I finally got off the roller coaster last year and filed for divorce a couple of months ago.  I wish I'd had the strength to be stronger and have more courage years ago.  We have 5 kids (one deceased), and the crazy ups and downs have taken their toll in a big way on our family.  I'm glad you're reaching out and finding help now.  If you can find the courage to set boundaries and let your wife know that things feel "out of balance" in your relationship, and then continue with the courage to take action when those boundaries are crossed I think you will show your son what "healthy" looks like.  I will regret for the rest of my life the fact that I let fear and dishonesty take control of me.

I have learned so many things on this site.  Incredible support here from people who understand.  One of my favorite quotes is "It's better to be from a broken family than in a broken family."  Both of my minor sons (ages 17 and 14 at the time of separation) chose to live with me, and I know they are starting to see what healthy looks like.  I hope you can give that to your son.

If you want to try and make it work, may I suggest a book entitled Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder by Sharri Manning.  I found it this last year during my separation, and it helped a lot.  Really put things into perspective and gave me some tools that actually work.  I tried them a few times with my stbxw (soon to be ex wife), and I was amazed at how well they work. It's a great book.  Unfortunately, in my case, I was just too worn out and exhausted after 23 years to put in any more work.  Maybe you'll have the energy that I didn't have.

Take care, and hang in there.  You are not a bad guy.  Remember that.

[Circle]

If you can find the courage to set boundaries and let your wife know that things feel "out of balance" in your relationship, and then continue with the courage to take action when those boundaries are crossed I think you will show your son what "healthy" looks like.

Good quote. I'm out of my romantic relationship now and into a friendship. The boundaries; knowing what you will not accept. Knowing what you will DO when they happen. Enforcing them. This has helped me to deal with my person with BPD.

[Aleks]

Thank you all for your support.

I am glad I now see I am not alone in this struggle and realizing she is mentally ill has somehow given me an answer for all these years of struggle. My first objective is to try and rebuild my self-confidence which has been so severely shattered. I now realize that whatever I tried to do, bringing logical arguments, trying to reason... .has only made things worse. I have always tried to understand what is wrong and the more I tried to explain myself for all the things she accused me of, the more she accused me. At one point I really thought I was losing my mind... .it's so frustrating to listen to things which never even happened or at least what happened was not what she is saying. I understand now that how she perceives things is so much different than how they really are and the way she relives everything like it just happened is so overwhelming. I mean who can fight for the same thing or the same event over and over and over again. She never seems to get over anything.

I will try and do some reading and use the tools and maybe just maybe my life will get a little better. Right now everything seems hopeless. I really wish these techniques work and I hope our relationship improves a little.

[Mustbeabetterway]

  again, Aleks,  so glad you realize you are not alone in your struggle. 

When I began to work on myself, my confidence gradually came back.  After about 9 months of learning techniques to stop making things worse, i can actually say my relationship is better. 

Like you, I was making things worse by reasoning, explaining, etc.  I have learned not to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain myself).  That hass made a big difference.  I am a logical person and it seemed I was forever trying to defend or explain my actions.  It was challenging, but that one thing made a difference.

The most helpful book

I have read is "Stop Caretaking the BPD or Narcissist in your Life".  This book helped me, and is helping me find a way to have more peace in my life and to take care of myself instead of excessively worrying over my pwBPD.

Take courage - my life is better and I think you can find help here, too.

[Aleks]

 again, Aleks,  so glad you realize you are not alone in your struggle.  

When I began to work on myself, my confidence gradually came back.  After about 9 months of learning techniques to stop making things worse, i can actually say my relationship is better.  

Like you, I was making things worse by reasoning, explaining, etc.  I have learned not to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain myself).  That hass made a big difference.  I am a logical person and it seemed I was forever trying to defend or explain my actions.  It was challenging, but that one thing made a difference.

The most helpful book

I have read is "Stop Caretaking the BPD or Narcissist in your Life".  This book helped me, and is helping me find a way to have more peace in my life and to take care of myself instead of excessively worrying over my pwBPD.

Take courage - my life is better and I think you can find help here, too.

Thank you for your supportive words. I suppose I have JADE-ed a lot but only because the things she said were so hurtful and unjust and simply cruel and I somehow needed to defend myself (even though it was pointless). I have been reading a lot lately and came to understand the importance of validating her emotions... .but as another poster said on another thread "How do you validate them without invalidating us?", How do you acknowledge she is raged because she says she hates you or that you're having an affair or that you don't love her. I don't know... .I find it really difficult. How to validate she is angry because I was 15 minutes late from work and she thinks I met another woman and not invalidate the fact that this is total crap and it's not true.

It's a hard struggle to overcome my logical thinking. Somehow I believe that validating these emotions of her, I somehow invalidate my own, I invalidate my own emotions. I know that validating emotions doesn't mean we have to agree to the event but still I feel like I am just admitting what she accuses me of. "I can see you're really angry because I was 15 minutes late... .". Doesn't this automatically mean you undertake the fault for causing her anger? It's very difficult. And what about our emotions? What about our feelings?

I really hope in a few months I will be able to post and tell people how my relationship got better and things improved, just like you did.

[Mustbeabetterway]

I understand.  Validating is important, but I find it difficult also.  Sometimes, it is all I can do just not to invalidate.

It is only natural to want to explain when being falsely accused.  It helps me to not JADE because when I did it usually escalated and prolonged arguments.  Don't be too tough on yourself, it takes time to learn new responses.

Another thing I found was no matter how I wanted to do everything right to make things better for him, it was never enough.  However, taking care of yourself, and your child will help make things better for you. 

[Aleks]

Hello again,

I am so lost I don't even know where to start. My wife left taking my son away and went to her parents who live in another city. She's really lost it. Her anxiety levels are extremely high. She's been gone for almost a week now and I feel so hurt and abandoned. I don't seem to be successful on any of the techniques: not to JADE, validate, stop invalidating... .I am a wreck. She keeps accusing me of things, saying really mean and hurtful stuff about me and my family members. She acts so mean towards me and the irony of it all is she keeps mentioning insignificant things which a normal couple would sort out in a matter of minutes. She shouts in my face how I neer supported her, how I always put my mother above her (if I phone my mother ones or twice a day she says I communicate more with my mother than her... .and she starts saying things how awful my mother is, how much she hates her and all).

She yells and tells me how much I hurt her and I always make her angry, how I was never there for her (that is not true... .I have been there for her from the very beginning, putting her needs above mine... .making compromises which were only in her favour... .I was there when she gave birth, I took care of her when she was sick, I helped her at her job... .because we are teachers and there were many times when I did her papers because she said she was really tired... .I helped with the child... .hell I bathed and fed and took care of my son as much as she did... .not because I was forced but because I love him so much... .And the CONCLUSION is I was never there for her and never did anything for her. How can she be so insensitive, how come every good thing I ever did for her is never acknowledged. The truth is I am so disapointed with all of it. How can I stop to JADE and validate when she says all these hurtful things. How can we have the strength to ignore such mean things when we are positive about how wrong and mean they are.

Who is there for us? Who understands us? What about our emotions and feelings? Help me understand. Help me deal with her because I feel like I am completely destroyed and my life seems pointless. How can I make her see how wrong she is about everything?

What is worse is the fact that my two year old son has type one diabetes and is on insulin shots and every emotional distress affects his blood sugar levels. Since she's gone his blood sugar levels have been over the top. How can she not see how it is affecting our child. Because of his disease we've spoken on the phone about him and not every time but most of the times she finds a way to shove something in my face again. I fear my son will become the target of her anger since I'm not around all the time to be her target.

I am really lost and I don't know how to handle the situation anymore. I know my arguments never reach her but how can I just listen how she is trashing everything I am and everything I did. I tried to make her understand how angry she has become and it only made things worse. I love her in my heart and would just want her to get better.

Please I need some advice... .

[babyducks]

Hi Aleks,

I just wanted to drop a quick note to tell you to hang in there.  You are going through a hard time.  This is wickedly difficult stuff.   Of course you are a wreck, anyone would be.   

Give yourself lots of credit for doing the right things.  This is a confusing time and you are putting in the effort to sort out conflicting and tough emotions!   Good for you.   

We here understand.  I get it.   I myself have heard almost exactly everything you posted.   It's been screamed at me too.   I know how badly it hurts to have some one we love and care about treat us that way.   

Take a deep breath.   And try and relax.   This is about the illness.   And your first job is to learn to separate the illness/disorder from your r/s.   That's the part about stop making it worse.   

I am going to suggest you allow emotions to cool, both yours and hers.  You are hurt and for good reason.  Her emotions are still very high.   For a long time my only rule was 'don't do anything that would add any drama to an already fraught situation'.   and that meant taking breaks in conversations and allowing some distance between me and my partner.   That was okay to happen.   It allowed us to settle a bit.   

take care of yourself today,  make sure you eat, drink (not alcohol) and try and get some rest.   keep coming back and let us know what is going on.

'ducks

[Circle]

Well, you are trying to make a broken person work.

I took a human development class many years ago. I already had a degree, yet was curious about the psych field. Anyway, one thing I learned that I took with me, was law related. Contrary to popular opinion, men have an equal or better chance of getting primary custody over their kids. I just thought this might be helpful, in case you decide to go for custody. Because, she has no right to take your son away from you. You have to make the heavy choices yourself. However, documenting her departure and using the opportunity of her choosing to leave may be to your advantage. Of course, if you let her right back in, you could get the cycle started all over again.

What if you didn't let her back?

[waverider]

You wifes mind is chaos, full of wild emotions that have no anchor. She grapples at whatever comes to mind to attach these emotions to as a vehicle to express them.

When she is on a diatribe about one of these issues if you attempt to counter them she sees you blocking her attempts to express her emotions making her even more angry. She is not interested in your version as the emotion really has nothing to do with that issue. She is just venting, and she doesn't even know what about.

People with BPD (pwBPD) undermine those around them, causing those close to them to loose confidence and be wishy washy trying to avoid conflict. pwBPD cannot respect wishy washy people as they are relying on others to provide the strength and consistency they dont have. In short they create the very type of people who infuriate them.

The answer is to be strong and consistent in yourself without trying to constantly appease. They will storm against you and test you. But until you know who you are and can clearly demonstrate it, they will not know who you are and will paint you whatever colour suits them in the moment.

This is what we work on here, finding who we are, learning to believe in who we are. It is then up to our partners to decide if they want to fit with us or not, we cannot make anyone else do or believe anything.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Aleks,

Man, so sorry that things have gone to this level.  I am a teacher, too.  I know you must be a strong person.  You got an education, have a job and helped raise a child.  You can get better.

In my situation, sometimes things get worse before they get better.  It is always a cycle in my relationship.  It is defintely hard to weather the storm. 

With, or without your spouse, you can get better, and make things better for your child.  You have obviously been working hard at solving the problems in your r/s.  But you didn't cause BPD and you cannot cure it.  You can only change yourself. 

I sense that you feel guilty, but also responsible for her behavior.  You are not responsible and do not deserve abuse.  Only through hard work on myself have I been able to learn to set boundaries (what I will or will not accept) and to center myself enough not to act crazy myself when my spouse rages and exhibits irrational behavior.

Please take care of yourself.

Mustbeabetterway

[Aleks]

Thank you all for your words and for your support!

I am really glad I have found this community because finally I feel like somebody understands me. I have spoken to family members too but here there are people with situations similar to mine. Sometimes it seems so strange that so many stories are so much alike. I have read threads where I got the sensation they were about my story. Funny thing!

We've spoken some more (I have to talk to her regularly because of my son's disease) and I have managed to avoid another fight with her. Of course she tried to engage me in another round of criticism but I just said : "I understand that you feel angry, hurt and upset. I can't do anything to take your pain away but I'm here for you if you need me"

Her reply "You don't understand me and you never have. Have you been reading any psychology books?" (Funny thing... .it's like she's psychic). I didn't reply to her remark and shifted the conversation to my son. Anyway she stopped her attack and continued to tell me about my son. Today she asked me to go to her parents and spend the night there. Other times I would have rushed over but now I just didn't want to go and told her that I probably wouldn't go but maybe I would go tomorrow. That's a first. Until now if she had said JUMP I would have asked HOW HIGH? (and that was only to avoid another conflict. But it was never enough). She got upset and started dysregulating but I told her we would talk at a later time because I had some things to take care of. We've just spoken. She seemed somewhat upset but did not mention anything about me not going to her parents.

The thing is I want my family back but I also want myself back. I want to feel free to make my own decisions regardless of how she feels. I don't want to only do the things she wants. Lately things got to the point where I never expressed how I felt about something or what I wanted anymore. I just let her decide whatever she wanted. I stopped caring anymore. Anyway she wouldn't have agreed to anything I wanted so I thought why the hell bother with a decision if my feelings are never taken into consideration. I now see how wrong I was because acting this way I lost myself. I want to feel free. I want to stop walking on eggshells around her. I want to stop worrying about getting a few minutes late. I want to stop worrying about what could get her started. Anyway I was never successful in preventing her dysregulations.

Anyway as much as I wanted to see my son I refused to go today just to prove myself I can decide something for myself irrespective of what she might think. I know she must have been really confused about my answer because until now I always gave in to her manipulation. "If you love me you will do this and that... ." And I always did it just to make things better. (I am just sick of that line... .)

[waverider]

Good work sounds like you are building good foundations there.

Hearing and acknowledging what she says is good, then rather than agreeing or disagreeing, you are simply stating what you feel and might do, not as a challenge, but more as a statement of individual thought.

Making our actions about us rather than a direct rebuttal of being told what to do works better in the long run,  its less confronting, and easier to defend.

Better to deflect demands than to either soak them up or throw them back. Eventually it will be seen as a waste of energy by her and will loose incentive to do it as its not having any real impact. Everybody gets bored eventually when they keep missing the target