How to talk with SD6 about step parent adoption?

[newlymarried]

I haven't been here in a long time. Things have been going relatively smoothly. My SD6 hasn't seen her BPDBM in 3 weeks shy of a year. BPDBM hasn't paid child support in 4 years. My husband and I are now talking about me adopting SD6 because he is in Law Enforcement and if anything happens to him in the state we currently reside, I would have to deliver my SD6 to her meth abusing bipolar BPDBM who lives in a trailer park surrounded by gangs. BPDBM's felon boyfriend, exboyfriend babydaddy ( not sure of his actual title this week) is on work release.

I don't know how to talk to little one about me becoming her mom, not just step mom. This is hard because I actually don't think kiddo will ever see her BM again. How do I help deal with those feelings of rejection and abandonment?

[ForeverDad]

It sounds like this is an adult issue (seeking court's decision that you can adopt) as much as a parenting issue.  At this age, she's accustomed to you being one of her parents.  You could make the transition from stepmom to mom very gently, without huge fanfare, if you feel some declaration would be distressing to her.  If not distressing, then you might not need to make a big deal of an adoption, after all, it would have mostly legal impact and very little if any change in day-to-day life of a child.

As I recall, one of our Emeritus members, after many times in court, eventually adopted her H's daughter.  The bio-mother was a limbo expert - 'how low can I go' in prison, in the news, etc - and still the court was reluctant to terminate the mother's rights.  However, on adoption day, a happy day, they let D bang the gavel!

Everything went smoothly and I am no longer K's STEP Mom!  I am just what I have been, just Mommy!

Things were so much better today than I could have ever imagined.  DOT was arrested in the early hours of the 6th and was getting arraigned on new charges at the same time we were in the county courthouse doing the adoption finalization.  So, LB did not have to go through any drama (my biggest fear) and she was surrounded by my family.  The judge let her choose the gavel and close the case.

[newlymarried]

My husband's kinda lawyer said that pursing a termination of her rights wouldn't be too difficult, because she hits the metrics for step parent adoption. He only has a kinda lawyer because that is all we can afford while I am in school. BM calls every few weeks at most.

BM currently has 2 kids by the felons. One is just over a year and one is a few months old. We will be sending her paperwork regarding supervised visits, that she has to pay for and arrange with a mental health professional. She hasn't paid for anything for kiddo in 4 years. We are hoping to move about 1500 miles away 2 years from now. Having her rights be terminated would make that easier.

[Thunderstruck]

Hmm, that kind of gets BPDbm "off the hook" financially and legally for SD6 and now places you on the hook. How do you feel about the adoption personally? It places the full legal and financial burden on you, just as if she was a natural child. Even if you and DH were no longer together, SD6 would still be your responsibility.

Everyone's situation is different, so don't necessarily take this as my advice for you... .but if uBPDbm abandoned SD10 with us, I don't think I would make a big deal out of a step-parent adoption. I'd continue to be "Thunderstruck" or her step-mom and wouldn't go by mom (but, you know, SD10 is older and has a different mindset than a 6 year old). I think it would solidify the "abandonment" that she would already be feeling to know that her mom gave her up for adoption. We would probably continue to allow phone calls and cards/presents and maybe an occasional visit. uBPDbm already has an older daughter (12) that she abandoned with her parents when the kid was 2 (DH is not the father). uBPDbm hasn't seen her D12 in 5 years, but they talk regularly on the phone and skype and D12 still really considers her to be her mother.

[newlymarried]

I have been on the hook with kiddo financially since DH and I got together. Our first summer together I spent $300 on a wardrobe for kiddo. BM was actively tweaking and stole them all and gave them to her dealer's kids. My husband is in law enforcement. In the state where we live I'd have to bring kiddo to a meth house if anything happened to him. I'd feel better if she was my kiddo legally. BM called the day of kiddo's last dance performance only to tell her she wouldn't be coming. BM lets kiddo down all the time and my DH and I try to never let her down. If we say something will happen, will will do everything in our power to make it happen. Kiddo has started to call me Mom and she refers to my DH and I as her parents.

[ForeverDad]

Does H have SD in counseling?  Even if sessions aren't every week, regular contact with a trained, experienced child counselor will help when issues do arise.  At the least, this will be a start to lining up the professionals in agreeing that adoption is realistic and positive for her.

[Thunderstruck]

I have been on the hook with kiddo financially since DH and I got together. Our first summer together I spent $300 on a wardrobe for kiddo.

Oh I know how that is. I have bought clothes and school supplies and daycare and paid for lessons... .while uBPDbm claims she has no money (but she works a full time job AND receives child support   ).

I more mean... .if things weren't to work out between you and DH then it could potentially be you paying CS to him. That's an extreme example (and one I never hope happens!). Also, if there are any debts for SD6 as a minor (like medical debts) you would be equally responsible for them whether you are married to DH or not. And you guys will never receive help from her biomom (not like you are anyway, right?).

So if you and DH got divorced, you would still have equal access and responsibility to SD6. Do you feel comfortable with that? And how would he feel about your and SD6's relationship in that situation?

If you are only concerned about what would happen if DH died, could you go another route? Like terminate biomom's parental right, then DH would have sole rights, and have him stipulate in a will that SD6 would live with you?

[newlymarried]

If DH and I divorced, I would want to maintain my relationship with kiddo. She doesn't remember ever living with her BM and Dad. In her mind it has always been DH and I, which is good. The scary, awful stuff that BM did aren't a part of her memory. I help pay for her medical stuff now.

In Colorado, you can't terminate a parent's rights unless you have someone who will step in a guardian. The termination process gets significantly easier if there is a step parent to adopt kiddo.

We will never see a penny from BM. I think she is actively tweaking again. I am going to try and convince my DH to let me write a letter to the Child Services Ombudsman. BM had a DFS case here in Wyoming open against her, but because she never kept an address they couldn't or wouldn't find her. The Police Dept in CO needed to contact us regarding a DV situation between BM and felon. There was a child abuse charge against felon and they never contacted us. I want to get that ball rolling so termination of her rights would be easier.

[PinkieV]

Not to be touchy, but let's not call it a "natural" parent. The person who is there is the parent. I have a bio son, an adopted daughter, and two stepsons. I consider them all my kids, as SS's mom is pretty much MIA and they are NC or VLC. I am my adopted daughter's mom, no ifs, ands, or buts. Newlymarried, more power to you. I don't think you need a lot of discussion or fanfare.  Best of luck to you.

[livednlearned]

Hi newlymarried,

Your SD6 is lucky to have you   and it sounds like her bio mom's situation is dire. It sounds like you are very aware of the legal implications of adopting her, and love her enough to look ahead and see how messy and awful things could be in a worse-case scenario. You have a relationship with her that is based on love, and have essentially raised her.

Like FD mentioned, there are several members here who have adopted the grandchild when BPD adult child was incapable of caring for them (jail, meth, etc.)

Do you need to tell SD6 about transitioning from step mom to mom? What will that really mean to a child that age? Nothing tangible will change for her, will it? At 6, she may not even understand the distinction, much less what it means. You've been there consistently, and you will continue to be there consistently.

If you anticipate that bio mom will say something, the best response is to validate whatever feelings SD6 might express. "Bio mom says she isn't my mommy anymore." Then you might respond, "How do you feel about that?" Validating her feelings, and asking validating questions, will help her process any emotional injury she might feel (bio mom doesn't want me).

My son's BPD father is no longer in his life. I have said to S14 that he will always be his dad, and that relationship continues even if they are not in contact.

No matter how we feel about the BPD parent, they are biological DNA and emotional DNA that are kids know are part of who they are. We can validate how they feel about that, and support them as they make sense of these tricky relationships.

[newlymarried]

Does H have SD in counseling?  Even if sessions aren't every week, regular contact with a trained, experienced child counselor will help when issues do arise.  At the least, this will be a start to lining up the professionals in agreeing that adoption is realistic and positive for her.

She was in counselling through her school. Her counselor moved away. I don't like the guy that they have at her elementary school. He isn't kind or really nice to kids. I will talk with my DH about getting her back in therapy.

All of her teachers, including the director of her preschool program have said that they would testify for us in a termination of rights case.

[newlymarried]

Hi newlymarried,

Your SD6 is lucky to have you   and it sounds like her bio mom's situation is dire. It sounds like you are very aware of the legal implications of adopting her, and love her enough to look ahead and see how messy and awful things could be in a worse-case scenario. You have a relationship with her that is based on love, and have essentially raised her.

Like FD mentioned, there are several members here who have adopted the grandchild when BPD adult child was incapable of caring for them (jail, meth, etc.)

Do you need to tell SD6 about transitioning from step mom to mom? What will that really mean to a child that age? Nothing tangible will change for her, will it? At 6, she may not even understand the distinction, much less what it means. You've been there consistently, and you will continue to be there consistently.

If you anticipate that bio mom will say something, the best response is to validate whatever feelings SD6 might express. "Bio mom says she isn't my mommy anymore." Then you might respond, "How do you feel about that?" Validating her feelings, and asking validating questions, will help her process any emotional injury she might feel (bio mom doesn't want me).

My son's BPD father is no longer in his life. I have said to S14 that he will always be his dad, and that relationship continues even if they are not in contact.

No matter how we feel about the BPD parent, they are biological DNA and emotional DNA that are kids know are part of who they are. We can validate how they feel about that, and support them as they make sense of these tricky relationships.

If we terminate her rights, I don't think we would ever hear from BM again. She is very inconsistent with phone contact now. Her behaviors lead me to believe that she is tweaking again. The last time she was using, that we know about she was smoking. I think that soon she will be injecting meth and won't live for much longer.

[newlymarried]

If you anticipate that bio mom will say something, the best response is to validate whatever feelings SD6 might express. "Bio mom says she isn't my mommy anymore." Then you might respond, "How do you feel about that?" Validating her feelings, and asking validating questions, will help her process any emotional injury she might feel (bio mom doesn't want me).


No matter how we feel about the BPD parent, they are biological DNA and emotional DNA that are kids know are part of who they are. We can validate how they feel about that, and support them as they make sense of these tricky relationships.

I anticipate that once all legal ties are cut we will never hear from BM again. She is very inconsistent with contact now. If she is actively tweaking, as I believe she is, contact with kiddo is too much for her, She gets very paranoid because my husband is in law enforcement. She accuses him of stalking her. We live 400 miles away from her. She refused to give us n address because she has been evading service for almost 2 years now.

I just want the crazy out of my house. When BM calls, kiddo acts strange for the rest of the night and the next day. BM is a profoundly bad influence on kiddo.

[livednlearned]

When BM calls, kiddo acts strange for the rest of the night and the next day. BM is a profoundly bad influence on kiddo.

At the start of my divorce, even before filing papers, I went to see a child psychologist to ask her how I should talk to my son about N/BPDx's drinking. I could see that S14 (7 at the time) was internalizing what N/BPDx said, instead of seeing that his dad was three sheets to the wind and mean as a snake when drunk.

I thought my choices were to say:

1. Dad is an alcoholic

2. Dad has a mental illness

The T explained there was a third way, which was to say that dad was not ready to take care of himself like grown ups are supposed to.

Sort of like saying that N/BPDx rejected himself, instead of rejecting the child, who at age 7 would think he wasn't good enough to save his father, rescue his dad, keep his attention and love, etc.

That was the  moment -- realizing that my son was probably more focused on his worth in the unfolding narrative than me pointing out that I was the stable parent (T said that was probably considered a given, the alternative being too scary for a child).

Do you have a child T you can talk to?

[newlymarried]

Not now, her therapist moved away. We frame it as mom is making bad choices that are unsafe for kiddo  to be around, but then she worries about her 2 younger half brothers. I will find a therapist for her. We live in a very rural area and any kind of mental health service is hard to find here, and some that are here are really bad.