I criticized the sex one time---led to breakup?

[shatra]

Hi

  I am struggling with understanding why the pwBPD broke up the relationship. He has no concrete reason other than it "didn't work out".  We had been getting along well and were close.  We took breaks in the past due to scheduling problems.  Now I feel hurt and confused, and can't get info from him. 

   I realize that BPDs often abruptly end relationships for "no reason" other than the closeness makes them fear abandonment, or it makes them feel engulfed, and they run. I also realize a tiny criticism or conflict makes them scared and makes them break up.

    Since I can't get info from him, I am turning to the board for feedback... .the only thing that went wrong in the last date is that I said the sex that time wasn't that great for me, and it usually was good. He enjoyed the sex but I didn't that time.  Is it possible that would make him want to break up? Other than that things really went well.

THanks

Shatra

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[ColdEthyl]

Hello shatra I'm sure that was painful for you

It could be a reason he would break things off. Honestly, for any person even if they are not suffering from a PD this would sting. For a pwBPD, everything is magnified. He doesn't hear "well this time the sex wasn't too great, but it sure has been before" What they hear is "You cannot please me. You are bad at sex, and I don't like you."

[an0ught]

Hi shatra,

when my BPDgf broke up with me long ago she cited some reason. I took it to heart. I got super careful in my life to to avoid making this "mistake" ever, ever again. A decade later I learned more about the background of the break-up. Turns out there were a number of drivers and actors that I did not have on my radar. I strongly doubt that this supposed trigger way back was really significant. I may have invalidated her but it is impossible in a relationship not to invalidate the other person once in a while.

This is what I have learned from it: I made myself poorer believing the storyline and avoid similar, healthy behavior for a long time. It set me up for further hurt in the next relationship. It took me long to overcome, to a degree I'm still unlearning it.

Your bf is a coward not brave enough to stand to his decision and blaming it on you. It is entirely his right to break up with you. There are likely - from his point of view - a host of valid reasons for what he does. The right thing to do would be to let your partner go and not to blame you.

You deserve better   Looking to him to provide it right now will get you nowhere.

[shatra]

THanks for the replies.

Coldethyl wrote--What they hear is "You cannot please me. You are bad at sex, and I don't like you."

   ---True, and the pwBPD may add on another sentence "Since I don't like you, I'm gonna abandon you (pwBPD)"... .and then the pwBPD abandons me first.

Anought wrote---   "Your bf is a coward not brave enough to stand to his decision and blaming it on you. It is entirely his right to break up with you. There are likely - from his point of view - a host of valid reasons for what he does. The right thing to do would be to let your partner go and not to blame you."

---I understand what you wrote earlier in your post, about trying not to make a mistake the pwBPD had pointed out, almost sounding like walking on eggshells--very uncomfortable.  In my case, he is not blaming the breakup on me, he is just not giving me any clear reason for it. We were together for several years and were close.  I am just wondering if my criticizing the sex on the last date would trigger him to leave (since things were otherwise going well with us).

   It may be "his right" to break up with me, but I feel confused and hurt about it, and he gave no reason, and I asked him a few times for any reasons he would do this---he had no reasons, valid or otherwise, just said it's "not working out".  Which is why I am thinking it was either me criticizing the sex one time, or that it was the typical BPD push-pull (he broke it off though things were going well in both our opinions) ---pulling away when things are good because it makes him fear abandonment or fear engulfment?

[Fian]

I get offended when my wife complains about sex and I don't have BPD.  While I can understand the need to talk about certain things about sex, it has to be handled with the utmost care.  I think grading whether the sex is good or not, is likely to hurt most partners.

[zundertowz]

[/quote]
I rejected my partners sexual advances twice and she went into full 3 year old crying tantrum... .I mean just a complete fit... .it was probably the 2 most bizarre moments of my life.

[Notwendy]

It's probably not possible to know what someone is thinking, and asking him why may not lead to an answer.

But I'd be willing to say that yes, one criticism over sex one time, is enough to do that.

I would find that hurtful even as a non, and it could be damaging to a relationship. This doesn't mean you can't discuss it, what you would like, but saying you didn't enjoy it could be very wounding to someone with a poor sense of self.

I learned this when I was pregnant and nauseated. I expected a full grown husband to understand that a wife puking in the toilet bowl is not interested in sex at that moment, but saying no led to him feeling so rejected he rejected me in retaliation. I had no idea what was going on and it took me by surprise that he reacted like he did. The idea of a temporary "not interested" didn't register, even though things had been good between us. I thought he would hear " gee, she feels yukky, but it won't last long" instead he was despondent with rejection and I was painted black. By the time he decided to get over it, he had rejected me enough that my feelings were hurt. I wish I had been aware of these dynamics at the time.

I learned though, that one can not control how someone else feels or responds to something. You can only control yourself. If he chose to leave over this,  then this is his choice.

[hergestridge]

"I don't want to" is always a better (and most likely more truthful) answer than "it's not working out". One of the great misconceptions of relationships is that "it" has a life own its own.

[hergestridge]

"I don't want to" is always a better (and most likely more truthful) answer than "it's not working out". One of the great misconceptions of relationships is that "it" has a life own its own.

[Notwendy]

In response to pregnancy of nausea= "rejection", my H made many critical comments about me sexually, which has been damaging to the relationship because it just feels horrible to have your spouse or partner feel you are not good enough for them sexually.

This brings to mind the question of what is "great sex" anyway? Is is possible to have unreal expectations? In the movies, sex looks great- people are attractive, lots of screaming, hitting the roof, but IMHO, this isn't reality. I think in a long term relationship, there are all kinds of moments, some are Hollywood moments, some are just blah, sometimes one person wants it, and the other goes along with it for the sake of the relationship and sometimes the other just says "no". Sometimes neither person is into it.

If we expect sex to always be the amazing Hollywood version, with both people saying "ooh that was amazing" and we get reality, we are bound to feel disappointed. What Hollywood doesn't show us is that the heart of "great sex" is the bond between two people, and sex with someone we love wholeheartedly can still be "great" even if we are not always swinging from the chandelier each time. When I married my H, I signed on for a lifetime of sex with the man who I loved heart and soul, knowing that this was a human man who could have moments where he was tired, not feeling well, as well as moments where things were great. I assumed that he also understood that the wife who desired him would also have times where she did not, but that the basic love and bond they had would carry them through. Great sex occurs over a bond with another human. If this is the case, then it can never really be "so so" which raises the question- what is the point of telling your partner that sex this time wasn't really great? IMHO, this can only be hurtful, and if sex is great in general, then why not let the not so great times just go?

FWIW, I have not ever been critical of my H sexually. I had no idea that he would see my disinterest when nauseated as critical, and if I had, I may have known how to handle that better.

Having been the recipient of sexual criticism, I wonder if I would have stayed in a dating relationship having heard that? In my case, I was married and pregnant, and even though it was hurtful, I had to consider the situation. I don't think I would have continued dating someone who said that to me when we were dating, because I would have thought to myself- does he love me for who I am and if he did, why would he say this to me? And I don't have BPD.

[formflier]

 

Shatra,

I'm hoping we can back up a bit... .and look at the big picture.

Breaking up or being on an extended NC really stinks... .it's hard to do.  Especially... .ESPECIALLY!  ... .when you don't want to be broken up with or NC.  (Am I correct that you fit this category?... that you don't want to be broken up)

Anyway... .here is the thing.  Many nons (An0ught was getting at this point) personalize and take responsibility for things (breakups included) that they have no business taking responsibility for.  Then... .we spend time trying to fix our mistakes or avoid making "that" big mistake again... .hoping that our lives will be ok as a result.

Usually this leads to frustration. 

I'm not saying or implying that examining your actions in a r/s is a bad thing... .but if you've looked... .and not found any egregious behavior... .then I believe best course of action is to grieve the r/s... .rather than to try and fix it.

If it turns out to be a long NC... .then when he reaches out... .you can focus on using tools and making healthy decisions.

Note:  I don't think what you said about sex is "worthy" of a breakup.  Sure... .it could have been expressed better. 

The issue is... .we'll never know what he is thinking... .unless he chooses to let you know.  He has chosen not to. 

Putting further energy into trying to figure out the breakup is probably going to cause more pain.

 

Last thought... .perfectly acceptable to post things you have said and done here... .so we can help you figure out if your behavior was/is "egregious". 

Don't take a pwBPD traits word for it... .! 

FF

[Surg_Bear]

Don't take a pwBPD traits word for it... .! 

These are words of wisdom-

"I don't like the blue table cloth"

Can easily spiral into "I am seeing someone else and want a divorce." (In the mind of a person with BPD).

It is best not to try to understand the thought process of a person with BPD- for a non, the leaps in logic will not make sense anyway.

Yes, criticizing sex or the table cloth can lead to a break-up, but it isn't what was said word for word, it was what was heard, and what the disordered mind did with that information.  If the pwBPD didn't ask for sex coaching, and / or the sex wasn't physically painful, it was probably best left unsaid.  Sex is a topic of discussion likely to trigger always.

His reasons are his- it might be what was said about his sex- especially if in his mind, he was thinking it was one of his best performances.  It might have nothing to do with the sex discussion at all.

Right now, it would be more productive for you to move on to grieving the loss of the relationship, rather than seeking reasons why.  You may never know why- even if he returns and you guys recycle.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Love,

Surg_Bear

[vortex of confusion]

   It may be "his right" to break up with me, but I feel confused and hurt about it, and he gave no reason, and I asked him a few times for any reasons he would do this---he had no reasons, valid or otherwise, just said it's "not working out".  Which is why I am thinking it was either me criticizing the sex one time, or that it was the typical BPD push-pull (he broke it off though things were going well in both our opinions) ---pulling away when things are good because it makes him fear abandonment or fear engulfment?

It is normal to feel confused and hurt when you lose somebody that you love.

Him refusing to answer could be his way of setting a boundary because he doesn't want to talk about it or doesn't know how to talk about it. Or, he could be trying to protect your feelings. It's not working out is how he perceives things. It may not be the best answer and it may not offer you any comfort.

Analyzing the reasons behind it is going pile on even more hurt and more confusion. I have spent/wasted a lot of time trying to analyze and understand my husband's reasons for doing some things. It rarely helps. Even when my husband is able to articulate his reasons for something, it often times doesn't help my feelings of hurt go away because it isn't what I wanted to hear.

[formflier]

 

There is another aspect to consider.

If you do start a recycle... .bringing up the past can be triggering.

If they are triggered... .the likelihood of "honesty" goes down and the likelihood of them saying something hurtful goes up.

None of this is good for you figuring out what "went wrong".

FF

[shatra]

Formflier wrote---

   "we spend time trying to fix our mistakes or avoid making "that" big mistake again... .hoping that our lives will be ok as a result I'm not saying or implying that examining your actions in a r/s is a bad thing... .but if you've looked... .and not found any egregious behavior... .then I believe best course of action is to grieve the r/s... .rather than to try and fix it."

--I am grieving, and understanding is part of the process. Yes I've looked at my behavior, and overall he and I agree things were going well and it was a good match. In previous relationships that broke up, the man and I had actual reasons for ending.  And it was helpful to know the reasons, so that I could move towards acceptance and towards making changes in myself.

"The issue is... .we'll never know what he is thinking... .unless he chooses to let you know.  He has chosen not to.  Putting further energy into trying to figure out the breakup is probably going to cause more pain."

----You're right we don't know what he's thinking, but we can make some solid interpretations, based on what we know and have experienced with BPD.   I don't think he's "chosen" not to let me know the reason, it seems he doesn't really have a reason. Which again brings it back to the BPD push-pull, which often happens for no reason at all.

Shatra

[formflier]

which often happens for no reason at all.

From your perspective it may seem this way.

However from his perspective... .at the moment he decided  there may have been a very big reason... .most likely to do with emotions he was having trouble handling.

Now that he feels differently... .he most likely won't recall... .with any degree of accuracy... .what he was thinking/feeling.

To us... this may seem like no reason... .or "dishonest"... .but to him... .that was the world he lived in... .in that moment

The "lens" with which we look at these issues really matters.

 

Hang in there!

FF

[shatra]

Vortex wrote---Him refusing to answer could be his way of setting a boundary because he doesn't want to talk about it or doesn't know how to talk about it. Or, he could be trying to protect your feelings. It's not working out is how he perceives things. It may not be the best answer and it may not offer you any comfort. Analyzing the reasons behind it is going pile on even more hurt and more confusion.

---Or it could be that he doesn't have a specific reason and feels uncomfortable with closeness.  He wasn't  nice to me when we spoke, and he is basically straightforward, and he has never been type of person to hold back words to "protect" my or anyone's feelings... .which makes it hard for me, because this backs up what he said ---he just "doesn't have a reason".  If I knew the reasons behind it, it wouldn't pile on more hurt and confusion, I would feel relieved and more accepting. ... .Picture someone getting fired from a job out of the blue---maybe some people wouldn't want to know the reason, but for most people, knowing the reason would help them accept. understand, and if necessary, make changes.

[shatra]

Though he didn't say that it was my criticism that caused him to break up, this was the only issue that happened towards the end. Other than that it was smooth.  He now says only positive things about me but he "doesn't have a reason" why he ended it with me.

  It could be that he doesn't have a specific reason and just feels uncomfortable with closeness, as many BPs do.  He wasn't  nice to me when we spoke, and and he has never been type of person to hold back words to "protect" my or anyone's feelings... .which makes it hard for me, because this backs up what he said ---he just "doesn't have a reason".   Which in turn makes it more confusing for me (since "I" as a non, wouldn't break up with someone so easily) and more hard for me to accept (since I can't point to traits A and B or conflicts A and B that split us up).

  I feel very upset over this push part of the push pull and it's hard to talk to people unfamiliar with BPD since they don't understand the push pull 

[Cat Familiar]

If I knew the reasons behind it, it wouldn't pile on more hurt and confusion, I would feel relieved and more accepting. ... .Picture someone getting fired from a job out of the blue---maybe some people wouldn't want to know the reason, but for most people, knowing the reason would help them accept. understand, and if necessary, make changes.

Another possibility is that he really doesn't know why he wants to break up with you--he just feels that way.

I've asked my husband repeatedly why he feels a particular thing, what specifically he's thinking, what he is feeling about something. Often I've gotten the "I don't know" response. I used to feel that he was hiding something, but now I'm inclined to believe him.

I think pwBPD often don't want to delve into their psyches on a journey of self-examination. They start down that road and it's too uncomfortable, so they stop and either distract themselves with other things or are satisfied with not knowing.

I repeatedly saw my BPD mother do that. She would start talking about a painful loss then abruptly stop and say, "I don't want to talk about that any more."

I think they don't have the necessary strength sometimes to pull the bandaid off the wound.

[shatra]

Thank you Cat, that makes a lot of sense. They might not know an actual reason, but they base the breakup on feeling (or not feeling something good).

What you said about your mother blocking out the pain of loss fits also. And I find when he is criticized he doesn't want to analyze or discuss that either.

Shatra