Been reading some more lessons again... splitting

[byfaith]

splitting borderlines need a person who is a constant, continuing, emphatic force in their lives; someone who can listen and handle being the target of intense rage and idealization while concurrently defining limits and boundaries with firmness and candor. Borderlines require someone who can provide them with the necessary experience of being understood and accepted, and who will not be overwhelmed by their needs, fears and anxieties.

I pulled this out of the lesson to post here because last night when my wife was telling me how much she disrespected me for something... .she said I NEED someone I can respect. I NEED that. The more I go back and read this (some of it for the first time) I think to myself. Can I do this for the rest of my life.

The other day she said something to the effect that she needs someone to push her, but when I "push" her I experience the anger and the detachment.

It's like someone saying I am not going to feed myself (when they are capable). I expect you to feed me but when they are starving because they have not eaten they will blame you.

I am scared that my personal limitations cannot handle what is in bold for a much longer period of time. I am trying

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[Notwendy]

I think you need to be able to distinguish between what your wife may say she needs or wants, and what you feel is the best thing to do for you and her. She can scream that she needs someone to push her, but that isn't necessarily something you should do or want to do.



It's like someone saying I am not going to feed myself (when they are capable). I expect you to feed me but when they are starving because they have not eaten they will blame you.

Yes, but can you stand firm in your boundaries while someone says this to you, and do ( with love) what you think is the best thing for them? If you keep feeding your kid with a spoon, will they ever learn to do this themselves? First you put the food in front of them, give them a spoon. They will make a mess, most of it will end up somewhere else but their mouth- their face, hair, the floor, but... .they will learn to do this if you let them and you can tolerate the mess and frustration.

A mopey teenager screams " I love this, I NEED this, and I HATE YOU" when you tell her she can't have a new cell phone. What do you do?

What your wife may need is for you to stay calm in her storm, let her scream I NEED WHATEVER and then, with love, do what you think is the best thing to do, and it may not be what she says she needs.

[ptilda]

A helpful piece of advice I picked up from the "Eggshells" book is the idea of saying something along the lines of: "You are a whole person and I want to see you embrace yourself and learn to care for yourself [physically, emotionally, whatever] so that your happiness is not dependent on anyone else."

What I said to my husband was: "The way I see things, you need to step in here and help yourself. You can choose to keep thinking these things about me, or you can choose to try to accept my apology, and see where we can go from here. I can't do it for you. Maybe with my support you can do it for yourself."

The idea that the BP has to take responsibility, but assurance that us nons will support them?

[MaroonLiquid]

Maybe with my support you can do it for yourself."

One thing I would change about this part is, "It's not easy, but I support you and you can do this."  That's a little more empathetic.  Changing isn't always easy.  make sense?