This is a long post, but I really feel it's necessary to get some thoughtful feedback and suggestions... .I am really struggling with the current state of events... .

My soBPD and I were both married when we met through work (she works for me), she for a year, me for 13... .I have 2 kids, she has none... .while we developed feelings for each other, we held off on relationship mostly until we sorted out our own relationships, which both ended up in divorce at separate times. We began dating long distance for a half a year, and then she moved across country to be with me.

While undiagnosed, she admits to strong abandonment issues and being highly emotional. While we were dating I discovered she had lied to me on several occasions about serious things like health issues that didn't exist (said she had stomach cancer for months and even cried while on Skype explaining how the tumor shrunk by 50%), a car accident and hospitalization, doctor appointments for health issues, a miscarriage (which was actually and abortion), having a stepfather who is actually her birth father, an ex-boyfriend she would talk about that I don't think ever existed, among other things.

Despite all of this I fell deeply in love with her because she has made me feel like I never have in my life about anyone or anything... .she's also extremely attractive and our chemistry was off the charts, the most amazing sex and intimacy I could ever imagine, etc... .and it feels like she's opened the world up to me in so many ways.  Classic BPD from what I now know.

I confronted her on the lies... .she acknowledged them, apologized and agreed when she came here that they would stop. When she came here I had really put everything aside for her to make her feel comfortable, got her an apartment and other things... .spent 60% of my time with her, living together. Acting on her every whim and fancy... .loving her and supporting her in everything.

Despite this, about a month in, she began complaining a lot about the situation, how she didn't know anyone, would make me feel guilty when I would leave to spend time with my kids (while pretending to support me)... .would get super pissed and pout when I wouldn't text her back within a few minutes... .would suggest I was sleeping with my ex wife because she was at my brother's birthday gathering, ask me where I was the night before, etc.

These kind of knee jerk emotions (and the lying history) which I never saw on our trips , only when she moved here, caused me to behave in ways I never have before.  I have screamed back at her, called her crazy and other things, become jealous, wonder where she is when she's out with new friends, etc.

We would have an amazing day at the beach, and then something would happen and she would tear into me and threaten to leave, saying things like 'have a nice life!'. It was unbelievable how she couldn't seem to look at the whole situation and instead based her emotions entirely on the moment that just happened.

When we would fight she would be super dramatic and say things very hurtful, threaten to leave, hardly ever admitting to being partially responsible for what we were arguing about. She would tell me I didn't love her, I didn't trust her, etc. She could never calm down or talk calmly when we had disagreements, it always turned into a huge screaming fight unless I just took it and walked away, which I didn't really do until a few months ago after I realized it was impossible to argue with her.

I was then blamed for the things I said to her in the fights again and again, and she would almost bait me into saying them, it was ridiculous.  Whenever I would point out all I had done for her, she would tell me I was throwing it in her face.

She began meeting some friends locally and I wanted to go do things with them as couples and groups, but she seemed to only find single women as friends. So when we went out I was like a 3rd wheel, the only guy there... .I acted poorly at some of those night outs, feeling ignored, and she quickly stopped inviting me to them... .she told me I made her anxious and she was scared of me being mad at her.

That's when the lying began again. She told me she had tickets to a concert with her friend and she couldn't go with me to an event we had already planned... .so I said go... .I found out later that she just went bar hopping... .she told me she lied because she was scared I would be mad. I found out she was also lying to her friends about being with me, saying she was out of town... .it seems like she was embarrassed to tell them she was with me, and later she admitted it was because of what she had told her friends about me, and how I called her these names!

I forgave her yet again, and we talked that she needed to let me join her on her bar nights once in a while so she could see there was nothing to be anxious about... .she agreed. Well, months later and that never happened... .she continued to say how anxious she was, the same fights would happen... .same type of issues. She joined a kickball team that we were supposed to do together and wouldn't even let me come to her games.  Sex became lousy, I tried talking to her about it and she would just scream at me at tell me how she's never enough for me, she's never good enough, how she was so tired of feeling like ___ and being treated like ___ by me, bring up old fights and the "name calling".

As I said she's admitted she has abandonment issues, is "damaged" from her past (which includes some sort of abuse), and that she feels sometimes like she ruined my marriage, but despite that kind of acknowledgment and my assurance that my marriage ended for it's own reasons, she can't seem to want to work things out and understand how I feel so we can move forward.

So a couple weeks ago she suddenly told me she needs space, and that she only feels anxiety around me now, is scared of me, accused me of having her followed a couple times, cut off sex or intimacy of any kind. The other night she texted me: "if you sent those two guys that are looking in my window, tell them I can see them!".  She says she doesn't think she can ever lean on me again after the things I've called her. I would say yes she can, but she will say "how can you say that, stop disrespecting my feelings!".

I've seen her with her friends and at kickball games through facebook videos and she is like her old self, laughing and enjoying life... .but when she has been with me the last couple months, she is NEVER happy, despite my extra efforts to be extremely attentive and caring.

For example, a couple weeks ago she wasn't feeling well, I went over to our place and spent the night with her, brought medicine and her favorite comfort foods... .massaged her for a half hour, held her to sleep... .then an hour later I let the dog out, and he jumps on the bed when he comes back in waking her up.  She SCREAMS at me for letting the dog do this, and that she knows I did it on purpose to wake her up.  Again, it was like a light switch.

She's now moved into her own place (a couple days ago), hasn't told me where it is (it's within 10 min of our old mutual place) but will still talk to me about work issues as she still does some work for me, and doesn't say she wants to break up, just that she needs space.

So I have given her that, communicated my feelings that it's very hard for me since I am still deeply in love with her, but she just starts getting angry at me and says stuff like "what do you want from me?"... .she's distanced herself even more every few days and I don't know what to do.

I only want her to look at how I've treated her as a whole, but she seems to only focus on a few moments of fighting instead... .she says that all the good times and support doesn't make up for the bad things. 

I can't do no contact with her because of work... .she has said she wants to "start over" and let things happen naturally and see what happens, but she won't spend time with and I tell her how can things happen naturally if we don't see each other, and she say she doesn't know... .

Anyways, my heart is broken, I am crushed... .and I am at a loss... .We were so dynamite together before the couple months after moving here, and while I've made mistakes, I think I know what changes to make, but how do I get her to remember how she felt during the good times, which honestly was 90% of our time together, and make her realize she can get rid of that anxiety and fear, and that she can lean on me?

To help you understand her state of mind, here is a log of our latest text conversation about how she feels right now:

me: I love u you know... .I want to be your happy again baby

her: I know... .I need some time. I need to figure out myself and every time I'm around you in thrown into that scared person. I need you to understand. And you're not

me: Babe I do understand that, you told me a couple weeks ago you knew I was trying and you saw I was doing better… but then you continued to pull away… so I had to ask what was going on, and that made u feel pressured… I only wanted to understand why you were pulling further away, and to feel that you understood my feelings and how hard your decision was for me… you are my world, and it’s only because of that I am strong enough to give you the space you’re asking for. I understand.  I hope you understand me too, I love you so much.

her: Remember the night when you were really attentive and I was itchy. How I woke up and just went crazy. That's going to keep happening because I feel soo... .___ty and angry at what happened. I need space. I need to figure out me. Unless we take a break I will continue to hold this against you. I will continue to hold onto these feelings. And it's unfair to both of us.

me: OK

her: I understand you were trying. But too much damage was done. I don't want to be more scared of you than I feel love. And that's what I feel

me: u said u want things to progress naturally, but you don’t want to see me anymore at all… so how do u want this to go?

her: I wanted things to progress naturally and you kept making me choose yes or no. There was no grey. Every time we were together we fought

me: that was me trying to understand why u kept pulling further away

her: And I told you. But it wasn't enough. It's never enough from sex, to who I am. It's never enough

me: I could say the same things

her: If you didn't feel like enough you should and everyone deserves that

me: I’m not asking u to choose yes or no… I was only asking that you understand my feelings too and that pressured you instead

her: Now you're not but you weren't

me: It was extremely difficult to go from cuddling you to suddenly having my hand pushed away… and I just wanted you to understand me… I don’t want to pressure you, I want it to happen naturally too… I don’t want to force anything… and you were more than enough… you are more than enough

her: Suddenly? Nothing was sudden

me: It felt that way to me, and I wanted u to understand that. I just wanted to be understood as I was understanding you babe

her: It didn’t feel that way. I was clear. You just didn’t like what I was saying and it just made everything worse. I dont want my life to be like this

me: neither do I

her: But I was very clear why each time I pulled away, And you just thought it would pass

me: yes, and I felt you weren’t listening to how I felt

her: I understood, I still do. It doesn't change how I feel

me: So you don’t want to try at all… you don’t want to do anything together, you just want space and whatever happens happens?

her: I have been trying and we’ve been non stop fighting. yes. Its only making everything worse. I stepped back and realize that the itch night will keep happening. I’m so stuck in these anxiety and fear feelings when it comes to you. It’s been a long time since I’ve been this scared of someone

me: I’m being serious, but what about hypnosis or going to couseling together?

her: I need to work on myself first and then figure out what I need in a relationship. I’ve learned a lot about what I need.  I want a future where I’m not hated and my partner loves me unconditionally. Will look out for my wellbeing always, even in our fights.  I just need to step back and find myself again.  If you want to fire me, I get it.  I do.  I don’t want to not talk though.  I want to still be friendly, and once the pressure is gone, I’m hoping those friendship feelings will come back and maybe things will progress. 

But right now, I’m scared of you, and just seeing your name on my phone scares me. I want to be in a position with you where I don’t feel like my entire life revolves around making you happy sexually.  And thats how I feel, and it only feeds my fears. and it makes my future look very dim and sad. Because I planned my future around you, from my job to my personal life.  And when you’re angry you take everything away, and its not a healthy way to live or feel. I know isolation is a big thing, and I let it happen. But I won’t anymore

me: I planned mine around you too

her: We could still do things,  but if it’s too hard, I get it. I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin again, and I attribute not feeling comfortable to you now, and that isn’t fair to both of us.

me: Then how could we do things?

her: You tell me. Can I just have a week or two?  I need to just decompress. I’ve had a whirlwind of a couple of weeks.  And I’m struggling.  I need to focus on my other job and getting settled. I’m still here if you want to talk. I want to stay friendly, But I can’t deal with the pressure right now. I feel like a volcano about to erupt.

Thanks for your reply... .that's one thing I'm trying to figure out... .from what I can tell, she's afraid of me not approving of her actions, not being good enough for me, of getting into the same old fight, of being made to feel less than whatever.  Those are the themes I hear... .I haven't been able to criticize or even talk to her about changing a detrimental behavior without it turning into me trying to change who she is... ."I'm not changing who I am!".

I have spent the night reading and thinking about the Drama Triangle article here, and it was really eye opening... .so I was really excited to tell her I was learning more about relationships and myself, so I did that, and her reply tonight was "that's good, I also saw your car drive by my place tonight, so that's good".

So she suddenly snapped into accusing me of spying on her when I've spent the whole day with my kids. The weird thing is she knows I have the kids today... .just bizarre and I'm trying so hard... .ugh

WOW thank you so much for this deeply thoughtful and helpful reply.  This makes so much sense and it sounds exactly like what she has been like these past few months.

She quit a great job after a few months that she went to school for for 4 years!  She has had 3 different jobs along with the one she works for me on in the last year as well.

I'll definitely read more on the push/pull thing as I haven't looked into that yet.

Another thing she does is compare me to her friends, and how her friends never called her names... .and of course I try to explain that you can't compare a friendship of a few months to a romantic relationship of a couple years, but she just says "yes, you can't because they'd never treat me like ___ like you do".  Just impossible to answer, impossible to get through it seems.

Your comments about needing distraction is so spot on and I have noticed but I forget you know?  She has admitted she always needs something to do... .she works non stop and is able to concentrate while the TV is on, the dog is barking, I'm playing music, etc. None of it bothers her and actually makes her concentrate more.  She has done questionable things with other men that I've witnessed, and this is exactly what you said.  She once saw a business friend at a pool party, I was right there, and she ran up to him and jumped right into his arms to "try and knock his drink out of his hand"... .she's in a bikini and his swimsuit came right down.  She later apologized and said she knew she shouldn't have done it as she was running toward him, but did it anyway.

I always seemed to be trying to find things to excite her and make her happy with... .trips, food, etc.  She would suddenly exclaim at 1am stuff like "I need donuts!" and we'd drive to get donuts.  But after a donut she was back to some other problem.  Always with a new problem, always.

She would drive home drunk from the bar on a few occasions which I would scold her for because there are people that love her and she can't be doing that crap... .but she'd do it again.

Something weird too, as I said she's super attractive, I mean most guys just stare at her and drool, and she smiles at them and nods her head.  She also claims she's not that attractive and that there are a lot of pretty girls and that she wants to be loved for her brain. I've tried explaining what message that sends to guys, and she just says she doesn't want to be mean and it's not her problem if they get the wrong idea.  Guys will leave cards on her car asking her out all the time... .and the thing is I've found a few of them she's saved even from years ago in old purses and things... .maybe that's just for self esteem, I don't know.  Maybe she's cheated on me, I doubt it cause sex is very tied to "love" for her, and I've witnessed that first hand, but she's so good at lying and switching moods and fooling people I don't know.

That goes along with the fact she would get dressed up and pretty for nights out with her friends, but with me it was almost always workout clothes or whatever because 'we don't plan stuff we just go with the flow, but my friends plan stuff for me'.  Which is not entirely true, and when I asked her to get dressed nice and curl her hair , etc. she would just shrug. 

She's also told me that she let me closer to her than anyone in her life, and that was a mistake because she lost herself and became a scared little girl.  She always said "I'm not a horrible person" just randomly about stuff that happens in her interactions with other people that might not agree with her.  Those exact words you used! "horrible person".

The thing about doing you a favor because they feel bad about something that happened... .she often said after fights "you're off the hook, don't worry" "go back to your ex-wife, you don't have to worry about me anymore"... .despite my confirmations that I was in the relationship and was focused on growing it, she wouldn't let up with that line of thinking.

We've had good weeks, but then it turned to days, and then hours... .and now nothing.  And I actually have gotten better overall, despite a few slip ups still, but it hasn't made it better.

I've read some books, and talked to a therapist even about this and myself (yes I have been in therapy off and on for the last year and half to try and figure this and myself out - though I never felt i needed therapy before this relationship). 

You say it gets better but not much and you're still getting ditched. And it's a BFF, but I mean, I have kids, I don't want them around that craziness (she hasn't met them yet), but I'm still in love with her, and I can't seem to detach from the good times and the amazing feelings. I just waver on whether it's worth it or not, and it probably isn't, but dammit I just want to hold her and love her because outside of the BPD she is perfect for me in every way (that may sound ridiculous but it's true). 

There's a big hole in my heart and soul and I don't know how I'm going to get through the next day, and the day after that sometimes.   Is she always going to be like this?  Even if she comes back and I get better will it matter much?  I've brought up BPD a few times in the past when we're having earnest conversations about our relationship and she suddenly becomes an expert in psychology. 

You are so very welcome!  I know what it's like to be there and get a response that seems to be out of nowhere, leaving us scratching our heads going "what did I do?"

BFF had a full scholarship to vet school, but married a guy who had already cheated on her once.  It's about 5 years later now, he made her quit just about every job she's ever had, he cheated on her twice more, they had a little girl 3 years ago, and now they're getting divorced.  I don't think she's kept a job for more than 4 months and they are often convenient; for instance now she is working in between her barn job for "boyfriend's" brother so when that relationship goes sour (likely under the given circumstances) so will the job.  Hubby and I have always said she is so talented, beautiful, and smart.  She even has ridiculous luck, all kinds of opportunities drop right into her lap and one after another it's like her luck runs out over and over again.  In wanting to spend more time with her daughter she often goes sour on a job, then when she has a job like now where she is lucky enough to take her daughter with her it's almost like she gets burned out on her and ends up leaving her with whoever will take her (including new "boyfriend" and his family).  I love her so much and her munchkin, I try so hard to be there but I can't when she won't let me and I can't when it's too much for me.  Just tonight I felt the hurt all at once that I can so often handle and accept since I know she doesn't do it intentionally, but I just kept crying.  I was even getting short with my daughter snapping at her over silly things and when I apologized I just burst into tears, in turn she burst into tears; leaving us both sobbing her saying she misses bff's daughter and me saying I miss bff.  Oddly enough we both saw them yesterday, but it hurts not knowing when/if we'll see them again... .  it's unpredictable, that's the hardest part.

Since your gf has issues with intimacy/getting close it's likely that the relationship in and of itself makes her uncomfortable.  With the friends she can keep them at a distance, they know the fun her, she can go out and forget her troubles just being silly with them.  Then when she's with you she knows you see all of her and that makes her nervous, she can't understand why someone like you (seeming nice, kind, sane, etc) would want someone like her.  So inevitably she begins to wonder, what's wrong with you; and when she can't find anything she invents stuff.  Again, not intentionally of course... .but it's all they can do, they don't know any different.  They want to prepare themselves for you screwing them over, because they feel everyone leaves.

I find this so frustrating with bff because she does it with me, then let's in a new boyfriend and he's all perfect and shiny (because he doesn't know her yet and therefore hasn't dysregulated her at all), their history is a blank slate.  She puts EVERYTHING she is/has (her daughter, her time, her money, her home in some cases, EVERYTHING) into this new person and then inevitably they're gone.  Meanwhile I am there, before and after, even in between when she keeps me at a distance or stops talking to me all together yet I get the worst treatment.  This last time she had said "I'm hurting her" which is just because she can't deal with emotion which she feels around me since I know her, and she is jealous that I have my little girl and am married, yet she is getting divorced and has to share custody of her daughter.  So she hurts me by pulling away... .I feel like 10 years will pass she'll either be alone, in a bad marriage (again), or getting divorced (again), wonder where all the time went and I hope I'm still there... .I put in so much, and love her so much.  I picture a happy 10 years where she's learned to regulate herself, she's a good aunt to my munchkin and the girls are still best friends, and her and I are still best friends and she's learned to let men in and out without becoming overly attached, treating every one like THE one, and she keeps up with our friendship so it isn't so one sided.  Just a fantasy I suppose... .I accept wholeheartedly who she is now, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

I would definitely advise you finding a support system... .I have 3 "friends" (unfortunately I'm not close to any of them, and I don't hang out with them at all) who understand the situation.  One knows bff and has seen some of the behavior herself, plus she has counseled women in abusive relationships before so she's a great listening ear to talk to.  One had an ex-girlfriend who was bipolar or BPD or both; and is accepting of my love for bff instead of just telling me to get out while I can.  One has a daughter she believes is BPD, so she gets the behavior when I talk to her about it.  Outside of those 3 I have hubby and I'm going to see a therapist next week.  When you don't have people who get BPD, you just have people saying "so and so treats you like crap, why do you let them?"  Instead of them truly understanding what is going on... .It's hard to see when you're in it, but once you start to see it it hurts a lot less and you can lessen certain things just by changing your behavior/reactions to things.

Bff is also a workaholic (many are to escape emotions)... .to the point that her body literally breaks down.  Physically she is in much pain a lot of the time, and she already has a weakened immune system but she gets sick at least a few times a month.  I myself am as you described... .but for me it's my favorite music, once that's on I can concentrate on anything; although I do like to read in peace and quiet.  I'm not sure if it's the same to her, but for me when it's too quiet I can't quiet my mind, but if my mind is distracted with something that is soothing (like music I know the words too so I don't have to think about them) then I feel calmer and my mind will let me focus better.

She sounds hard to please... .in part I think it's because they don't know what they want.  I found this neat quiz in a book of mine and it talked about getting to know your partner/friend better and it listed questions.  My hubby and I did it for fun and were spot on with almost all of it.  I did one for bff (which I haven't given her right, and only couldn't truly answer one question), and I was going to give her one to do for me.  When she looked at it she exclaimed, "I don't know the answers to any of these for myself much less for you!"  Thing is they weren't hard questions, it was stuff like if you could travel anywhere where would it be, who is your hero, who is your enemy, etc... .  To me the answers for her were obvious yet she didn't even know the answers for herself.  As for the running at the friend while at the pool, they can be very impulsive but they would never stop in the middle, they would just feel bad later.  They don't want anyone to look a them and think bad things so they almost have this bravado about them, I'm tough, I don't need anyone, you can't tell me what to do (even when you're not, ).

I once drove down to surprise bff... .honestly I called numerous times she just hadn't answered the phone so I could say I was free and wanted to hang out.  She just had a bad breakup with a guy who had an ex who was not actually an ex he'd still been seeing and sleeping with.  I knew she'd be out drinking, putting on a brave face, and I wanted to be with her to cheer her up and try to help her avoid any impulses with negative consequences.  By the end of the night she made out with a guy (everyone presumes gay) right in front of a guy she actually likes who likes her, her "work friends" who were there had approached me to say they care about her and just wish she'd "get it together" like focus on her daughter instead of men, and she ended up sobbing in the parking lot when a friend yelled at her to not drive home drunk.  The guy she likes was nice enough to come back after leaving to try to convince her to let me drive her home, she refused, even after the bar manager said she didn't want her driving home.  I followed her and luckily she was fine, but stuff like that is impossible with them.  They feel like they are being judged, like they don't need/want the help, and you can't talk to them once their emotions reach that level.

Bff is also gorgeous... .a model actually, yet sometimes I'll find her looking at herself in the mirror saying "I look like a dude" which is dumbfounding.  I mean sure she's tall, she's a model for crying out loud, any guy would want her, girls too, yet she sometimes just tears herself down; it makes no sense unless you understand their self loathing.  Then it all adds up... . 

I've read plenty of stories on here about cheating, and t seems they just act like they don't care.  I'm sure in private they probably beat themselves up about it, more evidence to add to their horrible person log, but in the moment I doubt they think about it.  They feel bad, they think this will make me feel better and it doesn't occur to them they have someone who loves them out there that they will hurt, and in the long run that they're also hurting themselves.  I definitely think it does have a lot to do with self esteem as well.

The stuff she says after fights, that's her trying to make herself feel better.  Because she cares about you (but doesn't want to for fear of getting hurt) she wants to get rid of you before you get rid of her.  So on one hand she's hoping you'll say "fine, I'm done" and walk away, but the other part is terrified that you really will.  I don't think until they can acknowledge that and just sit with those feelings that will never get to be stable with us.  If they can't stand the emotions, they will push us away so we the stimuli aren't there.

I'm sorry you're going through this, and yes I understand it's hard to let go.  I have to be ok letting go or we won't last, and I want to last even with the craziness, .  I want to make it to 10+ years where I can still be there, I dunno maybe that makes me crazy, .  As for munchkins, it is hard... .I feel bad/guilty sometimes about my little one since it is my choice to deal with her and her mood swings/etc, but it isn't my daughter's choice.  Then I see her with her friend and they love each other so much!  When they are apart, munchkin cries for her... .  Then I see her with bff, and I think I don't want to take that away from her; they connect on this silly/fun level where they just topple over into giggles and it makes my heart smile.  I try to protect her, but I know she still feels hurt sometimes, I just try to lessen it as much as possible and it's showing her something I feel is worth teaching her.  Sometimes the people we love hurt us, and sometimes it's not their fault.  We need to learn to take care of ourselves or we cannot take care of other people.  Also, just because someone hurts you doesn't mean you can't still love them, and do something kind for them.  We talk a lot and she really has a great understanding for only being 5, but I do still feel bad sometimes.

In the beginning I was so thrilled that I finally found someone who could be like family, as I'm not close to mine.  We exchanged keys, she told us we were welcome over there whenever; then she took it away when I walked in on something she didn't like.  I had thought maybe one day we could open a business together, live nearby one another, buy some land which would accommodate our business perfectly, and more.  Also, I mentioned to hubby that maybe she would be an option for our will, to leave our little girl since neither of us want to leave her to our parents or his brother if anything were to happen to us.  I couldn't help thinking it was fate, it was too perfect, and then I was right... .it all came crashing down.  I think grieving that, that the happy picture I saw in my head that if anything ever happened to me and my husband there would be my smiling baby with her best friend sister and my best friend aunt mothering her and looking after her if I couldn't be here to do it.  That was a horrible loss, even just of a dream not of a reality.  I had even put her down as an emergency contact for my daughter's school, but I had to take her off recently realizing she sometimes stops answering her phone for days so I can't trust that my daughter would be taken care of if the school called her as she might not even answer.

She wants to be looked at as the person I feel in love with, but she's so far from that now and even though she is a person I love and accept with all of her faults that I have learned over the months she is far from that person.  I can't be so stupid/blind to trust her with things she is incapable with like looking after my daughter, being there in a pinch if I need her, or being a shoulder to cry on when I need one.  She can't so I can't ask it... .I have to force myself to expect nothing so that I am not let down, yet somehow she still manages it sometimes even when she sets up the expectations.  It is hard, but I love her just like you love yours... it is hard... .

I've read books like "Get Me Out of Here" a memoir of a person who worked through her BPD, and watched videos from someone with BPD who has recovered (she no longer qualifies for the diagnosis), but it took them both many years to get there.  The thing is with both of them they wanted the help, and they worked hard.  As long as bff wants to fill the void and "fix" things with a boy, it'll never get better.  I'm so sad that she had listened to me when I brought her the BPD as an option.  She said yes to all 9 symptoms when I read them to her.  She was working through a dbt book on her own, and without even knowing the whole situation her psychiatrist said she absolutely did not have it.  Who knows if she'll ever go back to it now... .he may have ruined her chances for recovery any time soon, until she hits rock bottom meaning a suicide attempt or losing her daughter which would probably result in a suicide attempt.  *fingers crossed* neither happens, but I know that's out of my hands.  I can only be responsible for me, take care of my family, etc... .nothing more.

Take care and 

Hello Poe & BFF,

Sitting here on a Saturday morning thinking about the exBPDgf AND I thought I would check in here for a little therapy as I do from time to time. I read your post Poe on your BPD gf & it's like I'm reading a post of my very own, (our exBPDgf are reading from the same script). And you BFF, reading your post was like reading one from me & my experiences. It helped me realize AGAIN that it was ok to think the things I was, that things are ok with me & that it is a roller coaster ride from hell if you stay with your BPD s/o. I really commend you staying with your BFF for 10 years, you are an amazing person & the true definition of what a friend is in fact I would say that you are more family to her then possibly her own.

"She's also told me that she let me closer to her than anyone in her life" She told me that I knew more about her then her BFF from college, I don't know what to think of it or if I actually believe it. She has told me and I've seen this, "She has admitted she always needs something to do... .she works non stop". She has told me she does this even when she's on the edge of exhaustion so that she doesn't think about things, I can only guess about what those things are but at times I think it's about the sexual & emotional abuse she suffered at the hands of her older brother for years. It might be the physical & emotional abuse she suffered from her older sister for years or any number of other things or a combination of all the above.  You said something that I thought from the very start of my relationship with my exBPDgf, "she's also extremely attractive and our chemistry was off the charts, the most amazing sex and intimacy I could ever imagine, etc... .and it feels like she's opened the world up to me in so many ways." It was very much like this for me, truly amazing giving the fact that at 50 years old when we started this relationship at this level I had dated a woman or two, & had been married twice, NOTHING compared. (We've known each other since high school but lost track of each other for the last 25 years). But as you have said, this is classic BPD and it's a survival technique of behavior they've learned.  She has told me she to is "damaged" from her childhood trauma & needs to heal & learn who she is & what she wants.

BFF, a couple of things that resonated with me. When I finally had enough of the roller coaster ride I wrote to her the following, "You know B, I'm not hurt, angry or even upset anymore. I'm tired of putting in more effort that I receive. I'm tied of holding on for nothing. I'm tied of believing all your lies. I'm tired of you proving me wrong every time ... .I'm tired of getting my hopes up and being disappointed again ... .I'm tired ... ." She wrote back & apologized for things, "I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry that I can't let you go. I'm sorry that I can't commit to you. Do you realize how terrified I am of getting everything I want with you? I'm terrified that I will make a mistake with you & lose you. And maybe I'm doing the self sabotage thing to prevent myself from getting hurt". She has told me that she doesn't know what to do with me. She's asked me, "o you know how scared I am of you? She's told me "I'm scared that I'm alone even though I'm in a relationship". I will tell you that I'm realizing it has to come to an end and I'm not getting what I want. I had to come to that conclusion myself in time. It's why when I'm most vulnerable I reach out to you. Because the relationship with bf#2 is not working & not what I need. I turn to you because I know you love me and care for me. Oh JQ, I'm sorry for all my mistakes I thank you for your love & patience. I don't know what I'm doing. And I'm scared as hell to ask you to move here for me.

One of you two had said that your BPD partner keeps testing you. I feel she is currently doing that to me. She knows that I'm ready to let her go to move on, that I'm missing the intimacy of a good conversation, the touch of another, that maybe it's time for me to start dating others as she is. This didn't go over well, like I failed the test. She has told me she doesn't like the idea of me dating someone else, she doesn't like the idea of me sleeping with someone else, but she can't stop it because its not fair to me since she is in another relationship. She has asked me if I've started to date again, "A TEST"  I think to myself, I tell her no I am not & in reality I am not. She calls or text me in the middle of the night to see if I'll answer right away because if I don't I might be with someone else. To date I've answered all relatively soon after she text or her calls when she does. AGAIN, did I pass the test? I believe she continues to test my love for her, how much I care for her, to see if I will be there for her as yours has tested you. I would like to think that this "Test" will end soon, but I know with the BPD this will be a life long test with spot quizzes from time to time. The question I ask myself do I want a lifetime of this?  It's something we all have to ask ourselves from time to time. When enough is enough? Is there a time when I want to go back to a type of relationship I had? Steady, not drama filled, no roller coaster ride for the most part, very vanilla, almost boring.

BFF you said, "She sounds hard to please, in part I think it's because they don't know what they want". I can't tell you how many times my ex BPD has told me this. When I've tried to talk to her about things in general like what makes you happy? Anything specific she gets upset and the conversation doesn't end well.  you also said, "they can be very impulsive but they would never stop in the middle, they would just feel bad later.  They don't want anyone to look at them and think bad things so they almost have this bravado about them, I'm tough, I don't need anyone, you can't tell me what to do.  She's told me the same things at times, "I"m tough, I don't need you or anyone".  Perhaps they have this bravado or "I don't need anyone" because of the abandonment issues they have, something I think about at times. You also said to validate, validate, validate!  I've used this technique & it does seem to work at least the conversation doesn't end badly. It's a hard process to learn & confusing at times, she is very aware of my voice moods. She told me the other day that I seemed to be "false" in my voice. I told her i was trying to help her "decompress" but it was hard to do since you weren't fully forth coming of what was bothering you. SO I was trying different things & nothing was working. So in the future could you please be more forth coming in what is bothering you if it's a person at work, a work situation or whatever it is so that i can better understand the situation I'm faced with? This seemed to be acceptable to her. I'm "false" because I'm trying to help you decompress without knowing all of the situation, it's difficult to help you when I don't know what is bothering you. She acknowledged the fact & told me she would do better.

Poe, you said she dresses up to go out with her friends, but for you it's basically a T-shirt and sweats.  My exBPD does the same, there was twice that I can count that she actually dressed up for me, "dressed" for me for the evening. Most of the time there was no real effort for her to dress up for me even when we drove or flew 1/2 across the country to see each other on a long weekend. No real "special" attire, she would just disappear then 2 minutes later come to where I was naked & asked if I was coming to bed. On 2 occasions that I suspected her of not telling me the truth & confronted her going to bf#2 she was dressed up hair pulled back, looking good completely different look then I had ever seen before, almost like she was someone else even with a different hair look. Needless to say the situation didn't end well.

Recently, She told me she needed me to acknowledge the fact that we have not really been in a "relationship" for a while in order to start over. I relented & said in a certain tone in my voice your correct we haven't been in a relationship & we're not now. I think the tone I said it in was one of acceptance & a tone of finality, she changed her tone after that. I think it was a way to validate to her in some way that she wasn't "cheating" on him with me or for me not to come back at some time in the future with "you cheated on bf#2 with me so what's not to say you won't cheat on me". Now that we're "NOT in a relationship" she has told me that the relationship with bf#2 isn't working, she isn't getting what she needs from it and had to come to that realization on her own & has told me she wanted to "start over" sound familiar? She recently moved & refuses to give me her new address. I surprised her when we were having a bad moment & showed up at her place unannounced. She was over at her bf#2 place. I was trying to have a Toby McGuire movie moment that did not end well after a couple of text and phone calls. So her reason not to give me her new address is so that I don't pull a "stunt" like that again. NOT to worry I tell her, I've learned my lesson no more movie moments.

I was sending her Hallmark cards & she kept everyone. She showed me the folder she keeps them in. She told me I was the only bf that ever did this. Told me how much she appreciates them. I set a boundary, that I will not be part of any 3 way relationship. Its not fair to me her or bf#2 who I'm sure doesn't know about the full extent of things. I told her as long as she was seeing him I wasn't going to send her any more cards or come sleep with her because of the possibilities of STDs, UTI's among things. I told her I carried one friends casket because her bf had other gf's & ended up with AIDS passing it to her. She finally passed away from it. Even if you don't get AIDS, there are a host of other STDs that will haunt you for the rest of your life & I won't be a part of that. She told me she understood reluctantly. I explained I couldn't send her anymore cards because she wouldn't give me her new address. She told me to send it to her old address because it would be forwarded. My response was I'm not going to do that because I'm not going to send someone cards who is in another relationship with someone else & if you don't trust me to have your new address, why would I want to send you those cards anyway? To date, I haven't sent anymore cards.

Soon after that is when she told me she wanted to start over, I told her it's kinda hard to start over giving the level of intimacy we've had & the fact that we've told each other that we love each other.  I have read several things on this behavior & I want to say she's trying but part of me has learned to take everything she says with a grain of salt. She has told me in the past week that she's been stressed & that she has had a lot on her mind. That things need to happen, "not being specific about what things are". But I can assume that it relates to bf#2 & calling things off with him. (She has told me she has never broke off any of her relationships before & it's hard for her to do it). she's on a week vacation with her kids & I don't expect to hear from her until she's back. She told me she needed to "decompress" sound familiar Poe? She has told me that she's afraid that she can carry on this verbal "calling & talking or texting me" affair while at the same time having the relationship with bf#2 & that gives her concern that it might happen to us. She wants to understand this behavior & will ask her therapist next time she she's him. She has told me she doesn't want to do it with me & has to understand why she's doing it before we get in to deeper into our relationship. These are the times that I want to believe she's lucid & actually thinking & behaving clearly.

BFF, you said, "I've read plenty of stories on here about cheating, & it seems they just act like they don't care.  I'm sure in private they probably beat themselves up about it, more evidence to add to their horrible person log, but in the moment I doubt they think about it. They feel bad, they think this will make me feel better & it doesn't occur to them they have someone who loves them out there that they will hurt, & in the long run that they're also hurting themselves.  I definitely think it does have a lot to do with self esteem as well." I agree with you. I really don't think they think about what they're doing at that moment in time. It's a way for them to get instant gratification for low self esteem. It's a moment that they have someone who wants them even if it's for an hour, or the night then afterwards they suffer the consequences of their actions & it adds to their horrible person log as you said.

BFF, you said, "yes I understand it's hard to let go. I have to be ok letting go or we won't last & I want to last even with the craziness".  I feel the same way & i guess she realized I had reached that point when I told her I was tired of everything. I'm ok with letting her go. I had to get to this point on my own even when others told me she was Batsh*t crazy & I needed to run away as fast as possible.  Until you care for someone w/ BPD it's hard to really grasp what we feel inside. Perhaps we're all a little codependent & we all need to work on that to some degree as I have. But until you have been where we've been there is no way you can understand. The exBPDgf & I no longer fight, there is no yelling, there is distance between us both emotionally & physically. She now understands that I'm willing to let her go, that I'm in competition to be better than anyone else. I'm just trying to be better then I was yesterday.  I'm trying to understand her, she knows I love her, care for her but she's not sure how to react or behave at times. She's learning to be in a grown up relationship possibly for the first time. It has been painful at times, but I'm in a better place now willing to let her go & she knows it. I really would like to believe she's trying or at least wants to try. She wants to understand her behavior, correct it & move forward, 2 steps forward, 1 backward.

I don't know what the future holds. I have started to explore life again reaching out to old friends & continued to work on myself, learn more about BPD, learn about codependency, about past relationships, about my relationships with my mother, father & other family members it all goes towards making me a better person.

Thank you both for your post they have provided me with thought again they have shown me that I'm not alone in what happens to me or the acts that my BPD ex is doing.  

JQ

In all honesty, they want to try, they want to be different, they want it to stop, but until they WANT to do the work it won't get much better.  They have to do the work, we can only do so much although what we can do will change the relationship for the better for us, but it won't change them that's their job.  Wonderful to hear that you are taking some time for you, I used to feel guilty before but now I know I cannot take care of her if I don't take care of me.  I also noticed when I would neglect me things with her would get worse.  She already has so much excess emotion why add my own to stir the pot.  Now I try to stay grounded as much as possible and try to only bring love to the table.  I want to talk to her about so much else, and one of these days I will but not until she lets me.  Until then I just figure if this is all the time I get, if something happens tomorrow at least I was there.  Then I miss her so much and I want to tell her and tell her I love her, then I feel guilty... .then I think the same thing.  If something happened tomorrow, so I tell her.  I text, "I miss you and I love you" and I don't beat up on myself anymore.  For me it's not a moment of weakness it's speaking my truth and I can then let go of that little nagging feeling I had to speak to her because I did, in my own way, and I feel better and smile knowing I told her she is loved.

 & thanks

Hope you have a great week!

Poe,

Deciding to let go is a tough decision, but for your own health both mental and physical you have to take care of yourself just like BFF has mentioned. You can't take care of anyone else if you yourself are mentally & physically drained.  The 3 C's of BPD ... .YOU didn't Cause it ... .YOU can't Control it ... .YOU can't Cure it!  As you've found out, she has manipulated long before you were ever in the picture. Something happen to them in their childhood to cause this behavior that they have. Like BFF said, they have to Want to change, THEY have to want to learn a different behavior. They have to WANT to go to therapy, perhaps for the rest of their life. My exBPDgf has been going to therapist on and off for decades. It's only now as she reaches 50 that I can see a glimpse of clarity or reason in her voice or eyes when I bring up an issue such as not being in a 3 way relationship, but remember it took decades to get their.  Like BFF says, they want to try, they want to be different, they want to stop, but they're stuck in a 3 year old world of behavior. I've actually sat down with more then one 3-4 year old and had conversations ... .although fun & interesting they certainly look at the world as a 3 year old logic.  If you've never done it, I suggest you do. It will bring a smile to your face and give you an insight like no other. There are times that my exBPDgf will be watching a funny show like Big Bang and laugh, and look at me when she does. It's like watching a 3 year old watching cartoons on Saturday morning. Innocent, simple, laughing at silly things.

Take this time to heal thyself, reach out to a therapist to seek out guidance and learn more about yourself. Self awareness is a wonderful thing to a happier and more productive life. As BFF and I talked about, reach out to old friends you've not spoken to in some time. It'll be good for the soul and bring a smile to your face as well. Get out for a walk, a bike ride, go to a buddies house and watch a football game or go out with them for a burger and a beer. Start to take stock in yourself, you'll heal faster and be stronger for the recycle when she comes around. And as you've read in these forums, she will be back. Maybe not next week, or in a couple of months, but she will be back and you'll need to new tools you've learned to deal with, manage her, use what ever terms you want, but you'll need all of them to help you stay focused and strong.

My exBPDgf#1 was trying to text me, call me last night and I stayed focused and strong. I wasn't rude, I answered her text with as few words as possible. It was late, OH they will call or text late into the night. They have issues sleeping and I believe they do this in the middle of the night at your most vulnerable, just waking up or tired. Any number or reasons why they do that. I noticed that exBPDgf #2 was on Facebook this morning at 2 am ... .really?  She reaches out in the middle of the night to old bf's, text them, and i'm no different. When BPDgf #2 called me at 330am, I was a little short and she couldn't understand why.  I told her I was in the middle of some good REM sleep and although I've told you to reach out if you need it, calling me at 3 am to see what I'm doing or have a simple conversation isn't the time to do it. Again, I think it was a test to see if i was with someone else, testing my loyalty in some warped way.

Like BFF & I have done, don't feel guilty to take time for yourself, don't neglect yourself. I still go to movies, when there is a good one to go to. I've just learned to go to first showings on the weekend and not high volume date times such as the 7-8 pm show time.  I still get out and ride my bike, enjoy the sun, a burger & a beer. You need to do the same too.

BFF, I completely agree with thinking of giving heart felt texts of "I miss you & I love you". I have lost 4 dear friends in the last 3 years from cancer all before the age of 50. I've nearly been taking more then once over the years from a drunk driver to dangers in my military career. Your right in that it's not a moment of weakness but of strength, you never know when you'll lose them or yourself for reasons beyond your control. I never want to regret not saying something when I could of.  exBPDgf #1 has had a real life and death struggle with cancer, even though she was my first encounter of a s/o with BPD & caused a lot of damage in her wake. I don't wish ill will on her but a long healthy life. I know she will never get the help of a therapist, and she will continue to live her life the way she has but I can wish her a healthy physical life ... .that's just being human.

BFF, I'm happy for you that you have a s/o that supports you in your relationship with BPD. I want to say thank you for your sacrifice and his service to protect the public each and everyday in what has become to be a thankless job that is becoming more challenging with every passing day. Having served our country for 21 years in the military I know what it's like and I support those who are on the front line everyday that is becoming more fuzzy. Thank you both.

Poe, every passing day things will get better and in a matter of 4 maybe 5 weeks you'll see things in a clearer light. things will get better, they always do, sometimes they just take a different path that might take a little longer then we want them to. But they will get better.  Continue to come to these forums to seek out guidance, friendship and tell us how you're doing. Only those who have been what we've been through will really understand the what you're going through.

Untll then, take care of yourself, be safe, be strong, become self aware, learn all you can about BPD and most importantly ... .LIVE YOU LIFE! You only get one shot at it! Make it count!

JQ