An old text conversation.

[Schermarhorn]

This thread is going to be all over the place, sorry. I'm having a bad day.

I was going through my old phone because I am getting ready to sell it and I found text messages we exchanged when we first started talking. One specific conversation caught my eye however.

Her "All of these terrible situations I am in are self created. Its like unintended self sabotage. Idk why I keep doing this to myself."

Me "There are a lot of people that do that, it doesn't make you broken."

Her "It makes me feel broken. I can't do anything without completely ******* it up."

Me "If you are expecting it to happen, you will. You are not broken in any way, you just have flaws. You are human. That is what makes you unique."

Was this just her getting me attached to her, or was this the truth? I know she already sees a therapist for her depression, so maybe she has been diagnosed? She always referred to herself as broken, and I thought that was for her depression.

It continued, but here you can see her playing the victim, and me falling for it.

Her "No one has ever been that nice to me before "

Me "That makes me sad"

Her "It makes every one sad, they always say that "I'll always care for you" and then they don't."

Me "What ends up happening?"

Her "They care more about themselves than me, and that's okay sometimes... .but not all of the time."

Its weird how even now, I see that and it makes me want to "rescue" her. I don't see that as a bad quality, but I don't know what I could do to prevent from falling for it again. Ever since her apology message, I feel like I am going backwards. She ended up reading my reply, but never responded. Once again feeling alone, except now I'm not with her. Most likely I was just put into her inventory list for the next breakup.

Also, there is another girl I have been hanging out with, and she is great. She's been helping me through this and she told me she's interested in me, but she knows I have some issues to work out so we have just remained friends for now. Even though she is a much better match for me than my ex, I don't feel the same connection at all. And I feel it is going to be the same way for all girls.

The conversations I had with my ex all seemed to have meaning. It was never any light hearted small talk. It was us talking about our problems or sharing deep things about ourselves. I feel like now that I have been exposed to such an intense relationship, everything else is going to be bland in comparison.

Its like I hated being with her near the end, but I also hate not being with her.

[SummerStorm]

Nonya,

I had an almost identical text exchange with my exBPD.  Notice how most of these exchanges happen over text?  Like you, I had so many emotional conversations.  Yes, there were also silly ones, but 80% were extremely intense. 

I don't have any relationship experience and not a whole lot of experience with close friendships, so I just thought that people talked like that when they had a connection.

Mine asked if she's broken, and she said that everyone leaves her.  I replied, "You aren't broken.  You're a good person who makes mistakes.  We all make mistakes.  And I'm never going to leave you.  That would be silly."

And I didn't leave her.  She exploded in a fit of rage, and that was that.

I'm glad that you are hanging out with another girl.  I can understand how anything less than the intensity you had with your ex would maybe seem boring.  But keep in mind that they will also be consistent.  You may fight, but there will probably be some reason for the fight, and then you'll both apologize, and everything will be good.  And overall, the nice times with your ex just can't make up for the bad times.

[Sunfl0wer]

This thread is going to be all over the place, sorry. I'm having a bad day.

I was going through my old phone because I am getting ready to sell it and I found text messages we exchanged when we first started talking. One specific conversation caught my eye however.

I like that you shared this because, while I will not go back and read old texts as they trigger much sadness... . I know I will find a similar dynamic play out in it's own way.

Her "All of these terrible situations I am in are self created. Its like unintended self sabotage. Idk why I keep doing this to myself."

Me "There are a lot of people that do that, it doesn't make you broken."

Rescue attempt to fix her bad feeling.

Her "It makes me feel broken. I can't do anything without completely ******* it up."

Me "If you are expecting it to happen, you will. You are not broken in any way, you just have flaws. You are human. That is what makes you unique."

Second rescue from her own feelings, and upping the rescue to include making her feel special for it.

Was this just her getting me attached to her, or was this the truth? I know she already sees a therapist for her depression, so maybe she has been diagnosed? She always referred to herself as broken, and I thought that was for her depression.

It continued, but here you can see her playing the victim, and me falling for it.

Can you see yourself playing the rescuer?

Her "No one has ever been that nice to me before "

Me "That makes me sad"

Her "It makes every one sad, they always say that "I'll always care for you" and then they don't."

Me "What ends up happening?"

Her "They care more about themselves than me, and that's okay sometimes... .but not all of the time."

Its weird how even now, I see that and it makes me want to "rescue" her. I don't see that as a bad quality, but I don't know what I could do to prevent from falling for it again. Ever since her apology message, I feel like I am going backwards. She ended up reading my reply, but never responded. Once again feeling alone, except now I'm not with her. Most likely I was just put into her inventory list for the next breakup.

Also, there is another girl I have been hanging out with, and she is great. She's been helping me through this and she told me she's interested in me, but she knows I have some issues to work out so we have just remained friends for now. Even though she is a much better match for me than my ex, I don't feel the same connection at all. And I feel it is going to be the same way for all girls.

The conversations I had with my ex all seemed to have meaning. It was never any light hearted small talk. It was us talking about our problems or sharing deep things about ourselves. I feel like now that I have been exposed to such an intense relationship, everything else is going to be bland in comparison.

Its like I hated being with her near the end, but I also hate not being with her.

Finding ways to repond without going into rescue autopilot is something I'm trying to be more aware of and am working on.  Thank you again for sharing this.

Have you read about karpman's triangle?



Can you look over some of your responses and turn them into the role of a coach vs rescuer?