DS11 in 2nd RTC, dad is feeling sad tonight

[Parents! Get help here!]

My 11 year old son, diagnosed with "pre-borderline tendencies" (not sure what abbreviation to use for this, I'll go with DBPDS11) is settling into his second residential treatment center placement.  He spent 2 years at a facility out west, made slow progress, but never stopped with tantrums, rages, etc.  Nobody felt safe when he visited home (on his last visit he had an extremely scary hour long rage), schools can't handle him, so we opted for a lateral move to another RTC, one with ages 11 and up.  So far, it seems like a good placement.  Older expectations, older boys to model behavior, and the message from me that I expect safe behavior all the time if he wants to spend time with family.  I explained that it doesn't mean he can't be upset, can't have big emotions, but he can't rage - - it brings back bad memories for D14, me, and their step mother. 

Anyhow, DBPDS11 is at the summer program for this RTC, had a few outbursts requiring holds, but mostly is following the program.  I'm going to see him and spend a few days when the summer program is over, before the year round school starts.  He sounded detached and sad on the phone this evening, he usually does.  Over two years away from home for DBPDS11 , and starting a 3rd.  He doesn't lead a happy life, he is away from home with no hope of returning anytime soon.  His sister and stepmother are terrified of the prospect that he would return, or even visit.  On the bright side, DBPDS11  has come a long way from being locked down in a psychiatric hospital, being injected with thorazine most days and put back into his room to sleep it off.  So, progress but not normality. 

The rest of us are doing well.  D14 is finishing with her therapist next week after about a year and a half of hard work.  She started as a regressed and fearful child, acting out after DS11 was gone from the home, trying to demand all the attention and parenting that she did not get when DBPDS11 was running the show with his outbursts.  D14 went to a sleep away summer camp for the first time, made new friends, and is showing strength and independence.  She is starting a new high school in a few weeks and is excited about the challenge.  We took a family trip, D14 stayed for a week with her aunt, uncle, and step-cousins, enjoying time with family while my wife and I attended a meditation retreat. 

D14 and her stepmother have formed a beautiful bond. The three of us are a happy and healthy family.  We can even give each other space to be grumpy or upset without fearing that the whole thing is coming crashing down [does that happen to anyone else... .once the drama is gone, normal upset is very frightening, everyone resorts to nuclear defense mechanisms we no longer need in a healthy dynamic?]. 

So, that's probably enough rambling for tonight.  I'm happy, my daughter is happy, my wife is happy.  My son may never be happy and that makes me feel sad for him and guilty that I need to keep him in treatment both for his own good and so that the rest of us can live. 

[ProfDaddy]

My 11 year old son, diagnosed with "pre-borderline tendencies" (not sure what abbreviation to use for this, I'll go with DBPDS11) is settling into his second residential treatment center placement.  He spent 2 years at a facility out west, made slow progress, but never stopped with tantrums, rages, etc.  Nobody felt safe when he visited home (on his last visit he had an extremely scary hour long rage), schools can't handle him, so we opted for a lateral move to another RTC, one with ages 11 and up.  So far, it seems like a good placement.  Older expectations, older boys to model behavior, and the message from me that I expect safe behavior all the time if he wants to spend time with family.  I explained that it doesn't mean he can't be upset, can't have big emotions, but he can't rage - - it brings back bad memories for D14, me, and their step mother. 

Anyhow, DBPDS11 is at the summer program for this RTC, had a few outbursts requiring holds, but mostly is following the program.  I'm going to see him and spend a few days when the summer program is over, before the year round school starts.  He sounded detached and sad on the phone this evening, he usually does.  Over two years away from home for DBPDS11 , and starting a 3rd.  He doesn't lead a happy life, he is away from home with no hope of returning anytime soon.  His sister and stepmother are terrified of the prospect that he would return, or even visit.  On the bright side, DBPDS11  has come a long way from being locked down in a psychiatric hospital, being injected with thorazine most days and put back into his room to sleep it off.  So, progress but not normality. 

The rest of us are doing well.  D14 is finishing with her therapist next week after about a year and a half of hard work.  She started as a regressed and fearful child, acting out after DS11 was gone from the home, trying to demand all the attention and parenting that she did not get when DBPDS11 was running the show with his outbursts.  D14 went to a sleep away summer camp for the first time, made new friends, and is showing strength and independence.  She is starting a new high school in a few weeks and is excited about the challenge.  We took a family trip, D14 stayed for a week with her aunt, uncle, and step-cousins, enjoying time with family while my wife and I attended a meditation retreat. 

D14 and her stepmother have formed a beautiful bond. The three of us are a happy and healthy family.  We can even give each other space to be grumpy or upset without fearing that the whole thing is coming crashing down [does that happen to anyone else... .once the drama is gone, normal upset is very frightening, everyone resorts to nuclear defense mechanisms we no longer need in a healthy dynamic?]. 

So, that's probably enough rambling for tonight.  I'm happy, my daughter is happy, my wife is happy.  My son may never be happy and that makes me feel sad for him and guilty that I need to keep him in treatment both for his own good and so that the rest of us can live. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[swampped]

Dear Profdaddy:  What a long and painful journey you and your ds and your family have had!  I have no wisdom to impart, but just wanted to tell you that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers tonight.  Your patient approach to this terrible disease is an inspiration to me, and I am sure, to others on this board.  I pray that your little fellow will find peace and become comfortable with himself, so you can be reunited one day.  Swampped

[mggt]

 

[lbjnltx]

Thanks for the update Profdaddy!


I'm glad to hear that BPDson11 is in a different facility.  Moving him as he improves, ages, and needs new challenges in a new program will most likely better meet his needs.

Are there any knew therapy models being introduced to your son at the new facility?

In regards to over reacting to normal challenges... .it is understandable.  Practicing mindfulness and staying in the moment can help relieve these feelings of anxiety.

lbj