I really have no idea who I am anymore

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

It's been almost 2 mos since the end of my relationship and while I am feeling much better in regards to the end of the relationship, I'm still not feeling better about myself and my life.  I feel extremely lonely, isolated, and I feel "lost" much of the time.  I didn't realize how much of myself I had given up over the last 9 years.  I'm also amazed at how much free time I have now and even more stunned that I don't know what to do with it!  My "lost" feeling is also contributed by the fact that for much of the last 9 years, in addition to care giving for my BPD partner (let's face it, that's more the nature of the relationship rather than bf/gf),  I was also a caregiver for my elderly/sick parents who have both passed away in the last two years.  So for the last decade I have been taking care of other people and now just like that I have no one to take care of.  I guess I haven't thought about myself in so long that I have no idea who I am anymore.  If I wasn't with my BPD partner, then I was with my parents.  I initially isolated from friends because of my BPD situation, but friendships naturally drifted and grew apart as much of my time became consumed with caring for my parents and they were busy getting married, having kids, etc.  I realized how many friends I lost when only two people showed up for my mom's funeral.  But then again, time and distance should not matter in friendship - it's those times of crisis that truly matter if you show up or not - so part of me realized some of my friends were not true friends at all. Anyway I'm getting a bit side tracked... .that's a whole other issue in itself.  I'm lonely but I'm terrified to meet people, I feel isolated but don't feel like socializing, I'm lost but don't know where to start finding myself again.  I often wonder who I was 10 years ago, but I know that she no longer exists.  I am a totally different person than I was and the scary part is that I have no idea who this new person is.  I'm not sure if part of it is depression... .I've been depressed since my parents died.  It's not a major depression as I can still function (eat, work, sleep), but I'm unmotivated to do anything else even though I know I need to do something to change my life! I wonder if this is how a BPD feels all the time... .I almost feel I have BPD myself!

[grayarea]

It's been almost 2 mos since the end of my relationship and while I am feeling much better in regards to the end of the relationship, I'm still not feeling better about myself and my life.  I feel extremely lonely, isolated, and I feel "lost" much of the time.  I didn't realize how much of myself I had given up over the last 9 years.  I'm also amazed at how much free time I have now and even more stunned that I don't know what to do with it!  My "lost" feeling is also contributed by the fact that for much of the last 9 years, in addition to care giving for my BPD partner (let's face it, that's more the nature of the relationship rather than bf/gf),  I was also a caregiver for my elderly/sick parents who have both passed away in the last two years.  So for the last decade I have been taking care of other people and now just like that I have no one to take care of.  I guess I haven't thought about myself in so long that I have no idea who I am anymore.  If I wasn't with my BPD partner, then I was with my parents.  I initially isolated from friends because of my BPD situation, but friendships naturally drifted and grew apart as much of my time became consumed with caring for my parents and they were busy getting married, having kids, etc.  I realized how many friends I lost when only two people showed up for my mom's funeral.  But then again, time and distance should not matter in friendship - it's those times of crisis that truly matter if you show up or not - so part of me realized some of my friends were not true friends at all. Anyway I'm getting a bit side tracked... .that's a whole other issue in itself.  I'm lonely but I'm terrified to meet people, I feel isolated but don't feel like socializing, I'm lost but don't know where to start finding myself again.  I often wonder who I was 10 years ago, but I know that she no longer exists.  I am a totally different person than I was and the scary part is that I have no idea who this new person is.  I'm not sure if part of it is depression... .I've been depressed since my parents died.  It's not a major depression as I can still function (eat, work, sleep), but I'm unmotivated to do anything else even though I know I need to do something to change my life! I wonder if this is how a BPD feels all the time... .I almost feel I have BPD myself!

[HappyNihilist]

grayarea, I'm so sorry you're feeling depressed and lost.   You've been through a lot in a few short years!

The good news is that it gets better. Two months out from the relationship is still pretty raw. Plus you've had several major life changes and stressors in the past few years. Go easy on yourself, don't feel like you have to heal on a timeline.

It's very common for caregivers to feel "lost" and struggle for a sense of purpose after the loss of the cared-for. Here you've devoted a decade of your life focusing on other people. It's only natural to need an adjustment period to a different way of being.

Have you considered looking into any support groups in your area? I'd recommend checking at local hospices. They often have caregiver support groups that focus on this very issue.

 I'm lost but don't know where to start finding myself again.  

The journey of 1,000 miles starts with a single step. As long as you keep moving forward, you'll get there. Maybe journaling would be helpful to start. Write down your feelings, your thoughts - no judgment, just capture them. Then you can begin to explore deeper.

Ask yourself questions. What am I good at? What are my values? What do I like about myself?

I often wonder who I was 10 years ago, but I know that she no longer exists.  I am a totally different person than I was and the scary part is that I have no idea who this new person is.  

You're not the same person you were 10 years ago - you have a decade's worth of new experiences and relationships and memories and losses. You're still the same You, deep inside. You've just forgotten how to nurture You. You're not used to focusing on yourself. You haven't had time to sit and ask yourself, "Who am I?"

I know it's scary. Change is scary, the unknown is scary. It's human to feel scared.

You're compassionate and nurturing - now is your opportunity to turn that towards yourself. You're worth it. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey gray-

It's been almost 2 mos since the end of my relationship ... .I feel "lost" much of the time.

I did too, very lost for maybe 9 months after I left her; it takes a while to make sense of ourselves and the world again, and that's actually the good news, although it doesn't feel like it at the time.

I guess I haven't thought about myself in so long that I have no idea who I am anymore... .I'm lost but don't know where to start finding myself again... .I am a totally different person than I was and the scary part is that I have no idea who this new person is. 

And here's a great opportunity.  You were meeting your needs and creating fulfillment by becoming a caretaker, assuming the identity of caretaker, a valiant way BTW, and now without folks to take care of, your needs are left unfulfilled.  You now have the opportunity to design yourself anew, and you might consider that instead of trying to find yourself, you create yourself instead, where you'll be building rather than looking, starting with a vision for a bright empowered future, make it very bright, and then take steps in that direction.  Do you have an idea what that might look like?   

I'm lonely but I'm terrified to meet people

That's the biggest piece.  Who we are is largely who we are in relation to others, we're social animals and we are who we hang out with, so part of the creation of a fresh new life and empowering identity is to envision who we want to populate our lives with.  And once we get clear on that we'll know it when we see it, and as we take steps towards that bright future we're creating, the folks who show up are the ones who were supposed to, and we'll be attuned to know which ones to build relationships with because we focused on it.  That can sound monumental, but really it only takes one person to really connect with to allow us to feel 'part of', and we don't need to be in a rush about it, let it happen at a natural pace as we keep moving towards that bright future, but those things tend to snowball and more folks will enter our lives because they were supposed to.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey grayarea, FH2H and HN makes some good points, as usual.  No, you don't have BPD, and two months is a relatively short period of time since your b/u.  It takes time to heal, so be kind to yourself.  In my experience, it's easy to lose oneself in a BPD r/s (not to mention caring for your parents), so I recognize your feelings.  I lost myself for a while there, too, which was not fun.  I like to paraphrase Dante by saying that I was lost in a dark wood with no clear path out.  Perhaps you know this feeling.

I agree w/HN that you're still the same "you" deep inside.  I like the analogy of a pilot light on a gas stove, which remains "on" even when the burners are turned off.  Your pilot light is still on.  It's just a question of finding yourself again, which is an exciting journey.  It starts, in my view, by being authentic with yourself.  I pretended a lot in my BPD r/s and have vowed to be myself going forward.  Become who you already are, as Nietzsche put it. In a sense, it's about mindfulness, paying attention to the little things that intrigue you.  Stay open and and you will start to notice the people and experiences that you really like.  It can be an adventure, if you look at it that way.

LuckyJim

[grayarea]

Thank you all for the replies and very sound advice.  I just cannot stand to feel this way, but I do agree that I need to slow down, be patient, and accept that this is a process that will take time.  As NH mentioned, I've had several life altering events so I guess it's not far fetched that I'd be feeling this way.  2 months out is not very long and it has only been a year since my mom passed (a little longer with dad).  Part of me is just totally drained and feel like I depleted everything I had taking care of other people so I should view this time as a recharging period and a time to nurture myself and get to know myself again... .and again to not rush this process.  I will certainly take all of your advice to heart as it all makes so much sense.  Thank you again.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, grayarea, When I parted ways with my BPDxW, it felt like there was nothing left in the tank and the needle was on empty.  It's easy to deplete your reserves in a BPD r/s, not to mention taking care of older parents.  Suggest you "listen" to your body and pay attention to you.  Agree, you are in recharging mode, which is a good thing.   

LuckyJim

[grayarea]

LJ - Thank you for the encouragement! 

I'm so glad for this forum.  I felt a huge weight lift from shoulders just by posting how I'm truly feeling and to get those feelings validated, well, I couldn't ask for more so thank you.  This forum also makes realize or maybe rather remember that there are so many caring people in the world like all of you, complete strangers who are willing to take time out, really listen and give great advice.  It has certainly given me strength to keep moving forward so thank you all again!

[Suzn]

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.    Take good care of you in this difficult time.

I remember feeling like you do, not sure who I was or what my purpose was after my r/s ended. This will pass. I literally started asking myself what I liked. Treat yourself to the little things you decide you like at first, maybe a walk in the park with your shoes off and feel the grass? A drive down to the beach if you live close to one, walk in the waves and feel the sand on your toes? Go have chocolate ice cream. Or is it strawberry? Maybe a trip to a bookstore and look for a book that catches your eye?

It definitely gets better in time. That's a promise.

[Blimblam]

its ok to grieve.

It is ok to not enjoy the painful catharsis of grieving.

[HappyNihilist]

I'm so glad for this forum.  I felt a huge weight lift from shoulders just by posting how I'm truly feeling and to get those feelings validated, well, I couldn't ask for more so thank you.  This forum also makes realize or maybe rather remember that there are so many caring people in the world like all of you, complete strangers who are willing to take time out, really listen and give great advice.  It has certainly given me strength to keep moving forward so thank you all again!

   

You are worth being heard. You are worth caring about. You are important.

I'm so glad you've found strength here. You are a strong, resilient person to begin with - look at everything you've done, endured, accomplished. One day at a time, one step at time. Stay in touch with your feelings and let yourself grieve. Find joy in the act of discovering yourself. Just take care of yourself and let yourself be human. Do nice things for yourself. Remind yourself that you are worth it.

[Learning_curve74]

gray area, thank you for posting! I too felt lost when my BPD relationship ended. I don't know if it's your case, but I put so much of myself and my energy into making it work, that once that focus was gone, I felt like my raison d'etre went up in smoke too. I had plans to be together forever, I was working on making it happen even as difficult as it was, but then it just went away. It's not a good feeling.

I too struggled and am still struggling a bit with motivation to do things beyond the minimum subsistence level. Yet, it's happening. If you have a social safety net, that can help. Also remembering the things you enjoy and just making plans even if it is just yourself, i.e. make a solo date to do something you like. It's baby steps, give yourself permission to not always feel ready for the world or to be sunny and positive, as long as your forward steps outnumber you backward steps, you're still moving forward!  

[grayarea]

Aw man once again I'm overwhelmed with gratitude for all of your support and encouragement.  It made me cry, but happy tears.   

I had a bit of a challenging weekend as feelings of anger/disappointment were triggered by a non-BPD related event.  Basically one of my friends flaked on me - she agreed to plans on Saturday then when I called her to figure out said plans, she told me she'd call me right back and then didn't.  Well not until the day was over, but what is the point then?  Anyway that played out to EXACTLY something my ex-partner would do so I was triggered and most likely irrationally angry and disappointed about it.  The good news is that instead of wallowing in that feeling all day, I eventually got over it and went and did something for myself  and that was in part because I kept thinking of all the encouraging things written to me here.