Disgusted

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

The other day my stbx text me that he desperately wanted my help with his credit issues. He says he needed to use my printer to print up documents to give to a credit counselor. I told him to catch me in the morning. He ends up calling me at 5:30 am ready to go... .I said call me in an hour, I am still sleeping. He insisted he was coming over so I caved. He gets here and turns out he is totally wasted drunk! He said he and his GF had broke up and he loved me and wanted to come home. Next thing I know, he is throwing up in the toilet, then passes out on my bed in which he ends up urinating on himself and I couldn't get him up... .When I finally pushed him off the bed to get the sheets off to wash them, he gets up, takes a shower then demands I make him breakfast before he will leave. Of course like a doormat I make him eggs, only for him to tell me he hates how I made them! I told him to get out!  Later he calls to thank me for taking care of him, but no apology. He says he knew what he told me about "coming home" but I said that was not happening. I wrote him a scathing letter to leave me alone, in which he called and said please don't say those things to him... .he was too emotional! Then I felt bad and said fine come over straight from work to print his papers... .he said he couldn't because his uncle was in town and he was having dinner with him. I said I was sorry to miss him and to tell him hello. He said he would. Next thing I know, he is having dinner with the GF and the Uncle! I was so upset! I guess he is trying to impress her through the uncle paying for dinner at a nice place, and introducing her to his "family". It just infuriated me that I put up with the throwing up and peeing and then she is treated to dinner after he said they broke up! I am so angry at myself and I just want to kick him in the face I swear! I told him I am done and to never contact me again- I mean it this time! The thought of that mean horrible person coming back into my life is horrifying! I would rather be alone than deal with this crap any longer! He is a master manipulator! The GF is even posting articles about how to know you are in a bad relationship- he has all 14 qualities! She is figuring it out, so I need to react fast and get him out of my life for good. I don't understand why it is so difficult to stop being a doormat to such evil mean people. Why oh why can I not find a nice person to share my life with and be done with this for good... .: (  I hate him... .I hate him for taking his Whore to dinner with his Uncle and I hate him for embarrassing me like this... .His Mom said I should not be embarrassed, he should. On top of it, the girls pictures on Facebook are all photo shopped obviously, because the picture of them together shows her as big as a moose! Seriously, I had no idea how big she is... .and he had the nerve to put me down and call me fat! I have never been as big as her ever. Talk about downgrade... .It's appalling.

[Herodias]

The other day my stbx text me that he desperately wanted my help with his credit issues. He says he needed to use my printer to print up documents to give to a credit counselor. I told him to catch me in the morning. He ends up calling me at 5:30 am ready to go... .I said call me in an hour, I am still sleeping. He insisted he was coming over so I caved. He gets here and turns out he is totally wasted drunk! He said he and his GF had broke up and he loved me and wanted to come home. Next thing I know, he is throwing up in the toilet, then passes out on my bed in which he ends up urinating on himself and I couldn't get him up... .When I finally pushed him off the bed to get the sheets off to wash them, he gets up, takes a shower then demands I make him breakfast before he will leave. Of course like a doormat I make him eggs, only for him to tell me he hates how I made them! I told him to get out!  Later he calls to thank me for taking care of him, but no apology. He says he knew what he told me about "coming home" but I said that was not happening. I wrote him a scathing letter to leave me alone, in which he called and said please don't say those things to him... .he was too emotional! Then I felt bad and said fine come over straight from work to print his papers... .he said he couldn't because his uncle was in town and he was having dinner with him. I said I was sorry to miss him and to tell him hello. He said he would. Next thing I know, he is having dinner with the GF and the Uncle! I was so upset! I guess he is trying to impress her through the uncle paying for dinner at a nice place, and introducing her to his "family". It just infuriated me that I put up with the throwing up and peeing and then she is treated to dinner after he said they broke up! I am so angry at myself and I just want to kick him in the face I swear! I told him I am done and to never contact me again- I mean it this time! The thought of that mean horrible person coming back into my life is horrifying! I would rather be alone than deal with this crap any longer! He is a master manipulator! The GF is even posting articles about how to know you are in a bad relationship- he has all 14 qualities! She is figuring it out, so I need to react fast and get him out of my life for good. I don't understand why it is so difficult to stop being a doormat to such evil mean people. Why oh why can I not find a nice person to share my life with and be done with this for good... .: (  I hate him... .I hate him for taking his Whore to dinner with his Uncle and I hate him for embarrassing me like this... .His Mom said I should not be embarrassed, he should. On top of it, the girls pictures on Facebook are all photo shopped obviously, because the picture of them together shows her as big as a moose! Seriously, I had no idea how big she is... .and he had the nerve to put me down and call me fat! I have never been as big as her ever. Talk about downgrade... .It's appalling.

[apollotech]

Why oh why can I not find a nice person to share my life with and be done with this for good... .: (

Hi Herodias,

If this is your goal ^^^^, then you're going to have to take responsibility for your own actions/control of your own actions and stop blaming him for everything. When you own your actions, then you can work on yourself, get yourself into a position so that if Mr. Wonderful (a real one, not a fake one) comes a knockin' you can take advantage of the presented opportunity. Better yet, get yourself into a position where you can go a knockin' on Mr. Wonderful's door. I think you see that what you're currently involved in has no future, so your time and energies that you're spending on this current guy could be better spent on you working on you.

What changes are you going to have to make for yourself to get free of this current situation and work on a better you?

[Herodias]

Thank you, you are right! I have been working on myself, just need to work harder at forgetting all about my husband! For the first time I am glad we are getting closer to being divorced... .January is the date. I'm covered for health insurance until then and don't want to give that up or I would be ready now. I'm going no contact once again, because I made the mistake of getting myself tangled up in this again. I guess I was lonely. Now I see I would rather be alone than deal with his mess... .He's exhausting!

[apollotech]

I guess I was lonely.

Do you have friends and/or family nearby that you can spend time with? Are there charitable organizations, shelters, churches, schools, hospitals, etc. in your area where you could perhaps do volunteer work? Is there a university or college nearby where you could perhaps take a class or two on a subject or subjects that interests you. This is a great time to invest in yourself and enrich your life. I am sorry that you have been through all of this, but try to see/use it as a growth opportunity for yourself.

[Herodias]

Yes, thanks... .I spend time with my family. Every Sunday we have dinner together... .tonight is my turn to cook : )   I have started to go to church since the breakup and that has been very helpful. I go to alanon meetings. I am going to do a divorce care group that starts in Sept. I finally convinced my sister to go out with me last night and we had a nice time... .It's just hard seeing all the couples together and wondering when or if that will happen again for me. I hate how easily the pwBPD finds someone else, even though I know it's a "port in a storm" as they say. It won't last for him and obviously he is not so connected to her if he keeps trying to be around me. He now knows not to contact me anymore. He tried texting me 3 times yesterday and I just ignored him... .

[apollotech]

It's just hard seeing all the couples together and wondering when or if that will happen again for me.

Hey Herodias,

Good for you! You are taking same really good and productive steps for yourself----church, alanon, family time, divorce group! That's all great. Notice that these are things that you are doing for yourself; you didn't connect these actions to someone else, namely him.

It's normal to feel as you do when out and seeing couples together. We all do that to an extent. We have been marketed a lie that to be "complete" we have to be with someone. To be "whole" we have to have a "soul mate." That marriage is about expensive trinkets and princess weddings. That real, true happiness, contentment, peace, love, etc. is to be found only when with someone else. All of that is an  advertising/marketing campaign, a lie. When you were created, the Creator made you whole. When you were created, the Creator instilled your worth within you. Others cannot "take" that from you; you have to "give" it away to lose it. Along with what I just said about "worth" comes the "responsibility" of keeping/maintaining that intrinsic worth. Many fail to see their intrinsic worth or they don't want the responsibilities that come with it (victimhood).

That's why I told you in a previous post to "own" your own actions and behaviors and stop blaming him for everything. Take your power and accept the responsibilities that that power entails. When you do that, you now have the authority to affect change, to change your situation, yourself.

[OnceConfused]

Hi there:

keep this handy and read it again when he calls you:

We are abused not because there are abusers out there but becase WE LET THEM ABUSE US.