I think he almost hit me tonight...

[formflier]

It may seem like I'm focusing on him, but I feel I'm really focusing on not setting him off, thereby making MY life better.

Hey... .I've been mixed up before... .being in a r/s with a pwBPD traits will do that... .

But... .take a couple deep breaths... .drink some cold water... .and read your post... .

You are assuring us that you are not focusing on him... .because you are focusing on him... .thereby making your life better... .

Now... .keep enjoying the cool water... .and chuckle to yourself... .

Please don't focus on someone else... .to help yourself... .focus on yourself to help yourself... .your hubby will sort his own issues out.

There is a difference in avoiding inflammatory things... .that "nons" think are inflammatory... .and most on this site think are inflammatory.

Sometimes you need to live your life... .in a healthy way... .and let them be inflamed... .

If they are upset by your healthy decisions... .that is their issue... .

FF

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ceruleanblue]

That did give me a chuckle. I think I do focus on him, and a means to protect myself. I'm always gauging which way the wind is blowing, then adjust my sails accordingly. You are basically saying, stop doing that? Do what is right for me, and if he has issue with it, that's HIS issue?

I guess I'm just worried about the inflamed part. There have been times I've done what I want, like once I didn't attend a family get together of his, although he went. It was awful after, and he never lets me live it down. I feel I either pay the price up front, or I pay it for years. I guess I just have to learn to ignore his upset? Don't JADE when he starts mentioning it, and just go on about my business.

I have been living my life, but I have also been spending a lot of time worrying about why things went off the rails in the last month or so. I'm going to give myself permission to just stop worrying.

If he gets upset by me being more independent, or me making choices that honor me, that is his issue. I'd love to think he'd "sort out his own issues" as you stated. I know it's only on him to do so. I can support him and validate him, but I can't keep giving him his own way out of fear all the time. I agree, I have to live my own life, on my terms, not just his.

Our MC tonight really addressed with BPDh that my feelings matter too, and that marriage is about two people being allowed their feelings. We went over how to deal with conflicts, and got some good ideas. I didn't say it in MC, but I'm just not going to address any issues with BPDh. I'm going to let things cool down, and enjoy the next couple weeks, one of which will be spend on vacation.

[jynx]

You are putting all of your pennies in his jar.  He is controlling everything.

You may

think that you are standing up for yourself, but you are really reacted to him.

I don't have any suggestions, perhaps you used all of them.

His ex wife tried for 23 years, and she didn't succeed. 

I remember once after my ex threw a cup at me that left a scar on my face and a big dent in the wall, (yes, that is how hard he threw it), he said to me, are you going to use this to make me stay with you. 

You are in a toxic relationship. 

In no way am I telling you what to do.  Reading your other post though, I think you H is trying to have sex with your daughter, and he already got rid of your son. 

Sorry, but those are my thoughts. 

May be totally off. 

It is your life, and it is your decision.

Jynx

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, I can agree it is toxic at times. I try to remember thought that I'm dealing with someone who has a mental illness, and he didn't ask to have it. That doesn't excuse it, and I definitely have moments of feeling duped, but I can have compassion for him too. I guess I feel to blame for not getting totally to the point of "stop making it worse", although I'm definitely trying to get there.

I'm so sorry you had things thrown at you. I've never had that happen to me, but BPDh also has a noticeable scar from something his ex threw at him. He also has knife scars on his body, and she hit him with a hammer in his sleep. All awful things, but knowing him now as I do, I'm sure she was provoked. I'd leave before I was tempted to hit someone with a hammer. Geesh, I value my own freedom more than that, and she's lucky he never filed charges. She once asked him why he didn't. If he can be believed.

I'd love to be able to talk to her, but I tried that once, and she flipped out on me. I can't even imagine how two such volatile people ever lived so long together. Their kids tell horror stories, but mostly about her, oddly enough. They admit their Dad can get scary angry though. Wish I'd known that prior to marriage.

I'm truly working on being less reactive. I used to be much, much better at it. It's a hard line to find between being a doormat, and standing up for yourself via boundaries. And it's a mixed bag because there have been a couple times(rare times) where I yelled at him, or got indignant, and he backed off, or started briefly showing more respect. When he thinks I'm weak, he pounces, and it feels like he comes in for the kill.

I'm pretty sure he knows he has zero chance of having sex with my daughter. She hasn't ever even had sex with any of her boyfriends, and a few tried to pressure her. She treats BPDh like a father figure/best guy friend thing, but he does act weird around her, but I've heard he was the same with his own girls. I KNOW if there'd ever been a hint of impropriety, his ex would have had his arrested, and his kids would have shouted it from the rooftops. I'm not sure what his angle is, whether it's fantasies, wanting admiration, or what, I just know it's weird.

At this point, I do feel like I've tried an awful lot of different approaches. Now, I'm thinking less might be more. Focus on ME, my kids, and what I want, just might be in order. I'll still do nice things for him, keep it light, but I'm done doing much more than that.

[waverider]

I guess I'm just worried about the inflamed part. There have been times I've done what I want, like once I didn't attend a family get together of his, although he went. It was awful after, and he never lets me live it down. I feel I either pay the price up front, or I pay it for years. I guess I just have to learn to ignore his upset? Don't JADE when he starts mentioning it, and just go on about my business.

The more times you do this and uphold boundaries about your choices, the less individual issues can be held up as "examples of being difficult", as it becomes the norm.

The problem is not the individual issues, but the precedent of not upholding your needs and right to choose.

If you want changes to stick then they have to become the new norm. One offs don't amount to much

My life principle now is I am not obliged to meet anyones perceived need, I am free to CHOOSE to meet people requests and wishes. It stops you being taken for granted. Knowing that you have chosen your action makes it easier to live with.

I sense that you are often backed into justifying pressurized reactions, as your own chosen actions after the event.

If you feel pressured then, then that should stack the odds towards non compliance. It becomes an instinctive red flag. It gives your gut feeling a say. Do not underestimate gut feelings, it is your conscience shouting to be heard

[formflier]

  Now, I'm thinking less might be more.

Yes... .so... .he lets out a rant... .talks for 3 minutes solid... .tosses out lots of "bait" to fight... .but it's not really abusive... .so you listen.

You very calmly say... .thank you for sharing... .I'll have to consider this new information... .(you are slowing it down)...

You give him a light pat on the shoulder and continue on to the next room to do what you had planned...

Less is more... .


FF

[living in the past]

 Hi,after reading your thread,i thought of the time a few months ago when my therapist gave a me an assignment,to say "No" three times in the next week,and to my supprise three things came up that i was able to use the word "No",best wishes to you.

[Ceruleanblue]

Yes, I am realizing that I do a lot of things because he wants or expects me to. I end up resenting it. I don't think I would resent it if we had a more normal relationship, but things are so off balance, that I do. I don't feel as if he's willing to do anything he doesn't want, no matter what, so why does he expect it of me? Once, in the history of four years, I asked him to scoop the litter box, because I wasn't feeling well, and the answer was an absolute "no".

I often get "no". Now, everyone has the right to say no, but he does not seem to believe in compromise, yet he expects total compliance. My friends say he wants a puppet, and that's funny because our MC said something about that when he was explaining to BPDh that I too have a right to my feelings. Something about no one should want their partner to just be a puppet, but actually, BPDh would love that!

I'm going to start working on saying "no", because lately I've been too afraid to listen to what I want. I've been too scared by his "move out" threats, and him starting to say all the things he said before he left last time. I can't let my fear of him leaving paralyze me.

Today was a great day. I spent it with my son, and had most of the day with him. I didn't even get home until midnight, and BPDh barely woke up. He did ask me where I'd been, but went right back to sleep. I just hate that I can have such a great day on my own, or with one of my kids, but it's so hard to have a great day with BPDh. There is always put downs, criticism, sarcasm, anger or something that sort of ruins the day for me. Maybe I just have to rethink it "ruining" my day?

[123Phoebe]

I just hate that I can have such a great day on my own, or with one of my kids, but it's so hard to have a great day with BPDh. There is always put downs, criticism, sarcasm, anger or something that sort of ruins the day for me. Maybe I just have to rethink it "ruining" my day?

Yes, it's putting a whole lot of emphasis on him being the keeper of your happiness.  

I'm pretty sure he knows he has zero chance of having sex with my daughter.

I'm not sure what his angle is, whether it's fantasies, wanting admiration, or what, I just know it's weird.

I'm going to ask a serious question or two... . :)o you sincerely believe in your heart of hearts that H made you kick out your son?  :)o you sincerely believe in your heart of hearts that he'd like to make the moves on your daughter?

These two topics have come up more than once, is why I ask, and they're both pretty provocative.

[formflier]

  I don't think I would resent it if we had a more normal relationship, but things are so off balance, that I do. 

How else could you end up not resenting it?

Resentment is a poison that "colors" everything... .it's in your power to get rid of it... .

FF

[waverider]

Resentment is a consequence of serial frustrations which are rarely countered by any positives. So they compound, each one priming you for the next. This leads to escalating triggers until something snaps.

This is why resentment MUST be addressed as it is ultimately a relationship killer, causing you to do something destructive and outside of your normal values. This leads to disappointment in yourself. ie it backfires on you.

[Ceruleanblue]

Yes, I get that, resentment is a relationship killer. I watch/read a lot of John Gottman, and he did lots of research on what kills a relationship. The issue for me though is, how do I address issues with someone who resents a simple question? Any time I try to address anything, no matter how soft my approach, or soft language used, he still gets mad, feels accused, and it just goes south.

How do you not have resentment, when the reason for resentment can't be addressed? When you don't have a working partnership where an issue comes up, and you address it together?

[Ceruleanblue]

Oh, and I didn't kick my son out, BPDh kicked both my son and daughter out one week prior to our move. Our last week together as a family. Plus, BPDh would only allow my daughter to come back home for that week, not my son, although I did ask him. Therefore, I did not allow my daughter back either, that would have been unfair. At first my son was allowed the choice of switching schools and moving with us. After BPDh threw my kids out though, he said he refused to live with my son. Plus, BPDh broke our agreement to say in my hometown until my son graduated. I waited for his son to graduate, before BPDh came to live with ME, but he wouldn't do the same.

So, YES, I do feel that BPDh put me in a position to make a choice, and even our T pretty much agrees with this, I feel. BPDh admits in MC that he refused to live with my son any longer, and that he did kick both my kids out. He also tells me he is not sorry about it. My daughter is living with us now, of course. For quite a few months I had serious hurt and anger over this, but I think I've mostly worked through it, but I have to say it changed how I regard BPDh. I've always thought he did impetuous things due to his BPD, but I think this wasn't impetuous. Even after he calmed down, he refused to talk about it, and he just told me "how it was going to be". No compassion. No compromise. His way, or no way. HE put me in a position to choose, and neither was an ideal option.

I actually don't think BPDh would ever do anything inappropriate with my 19 year old daughter. I wonder about what he could be thinking, but I feel if he'd been going to do more than think, he'd have done it by now. Plus, he acted in this same manner with his girls. It's like he wants attention from young girls, and he sort of puts them in the "wife" role, in all regards other than sex. He's nice to her, he gives her her own way all the time, he teases and plays with her, he gives her his undivided attention. If we are out together, he'll choose to sit or walk with him, and I mostly get ignored. His family has commented, and so has my family. It's just odd, to say the least. He has a clean record, and I fully trust my daughter, but it is weird. I play second fiddle, for sure.

I don't even think THIS weird issue has anything to do with BPD, per se.

[Sunfl0wer]

Can you consider that your issue of feelings of resentment needs to be addressed independent of him, or independent of anyone else? 

Which leads to FF Q:  How else can you end up not resenting?

[formflier]

How do you not have resentment, when the reason for resentment can't be addressed? When you don't have a working partnership where an issue comes up, and you address it together?

This would be great thing to chat about with a T... .and work on... .

It's not an easy fix... .resentment can hopefully be downgraded to frustration... .then irritation... .then... .it's not your problem.

This will take a lot of work... .consistency... .and CHOICES on your part.

Step 1:  You have a choice to deal with the situation as it is... .or not.  Don't resent that... .feel empowered by that... .feel freed by the choices you have... .focus on what you have... .not what you don't... .

Step 2:  Once you feel less trapped... .more empowered... .use this strength to make more deliberate choices... .be less reactive... .

Eventually you and your r/s will be "spiraling up" to a better place... .

Right now the vibe I am getting is that it is spiraling down and that you feel somewhat trapped... .

Consistent exercising of your power over you (NOT YOUR HUSBAND) will help you be free... .

FF

[formflier]

Therefore, I did not allow my daughter back either, that would have been unfair. 

HE put me in a position to choose, and neither was an ideal option.

Language matters... .it drives the way you think.

The issue of your husband having the power over your kids and their living seems like a core issue... .I feel the resentment through the computer... .it's palpable... .  YOU need to do something with that... .

You had just as much power as he did... .You had choices

Your kids had choices... .

Your husband had choices... .

This is hard stuff... . Blame is toxic 

Blame is a cousin of resentment... .

Blame is many times used to avoid responsibility.

This dynamic of decision making about kids needs to be changed.

It seems he is acknowledging his errors in counseling... .what action will be taken to take a step in the right direction

Just a step... .

FF