It's really hard to find a
baseline emotion when a recent lover contacts us. I'm amazed at how hard it has been for me - but I accept this and rely on confidants to ground me - keep me from over reading, over reaching, over reacting, over... .
One way we support each other (as outsiders to the relationship) is to help members in this situation home to a unaffected baseline. The worse thing we can do is to drive them to an elevated emotional state.
In reading this thread, I come away thinking that maybe we should just say we are trying to help someone get back down to baseline. It might feel invalidating if we're not saying what we are trying to accomplish.
EMAIL: I'm not moving anymore and C (bf) and I broke up.
These impulsive contacts from ex's are really hard to navigate.
- The whole situation with the move and the breakup could change at any minute. Might simply be an over-reaction on her part.
- Over reading the note on our part is easy (both positive or negative) - this most likely was a probe for validation (sorry it didn't work out, he's a creep, need a hug)
- Over engaging (or over resisting) the note on our part is a trap we want to avoid falling into.
- Separating how we really feel at time like this is hard, we have so many emotions in play - hope, caution, fear, hurt, desire for vindication, etc.