Fairytale gone bad - Abusive boyfriend living with me

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I’m 23 and met my boyfriend (35) 2 years ago. He was unlike anyone i’d ever met…charming, attentive, funny and spontaneous. He had just gotten out of a very nasty divorce where his ex-wife had met someone else and had taken the house and everything along with it. I was aware he had a drinking issues and used…heavier things too… But he swore he’d stop all of that to be with me. He was living at home when I met him and could hardly make due on his paycheck…even if they never asked for any household contribution. His mom made him a saving’s account and tried very hard to get him back on his feet… At the time I had no idea what debt he was in because of his spending habits and his addictions.

He said he was going crazy at home and wanted to spend time with me constantly. So he decided he wanted to come live with me. I wasn’t opposed (I didn’t like sleeping at his parent’s place especially either) so he came to live with me. A few months after he started showing his true face. He needs alcohol to start the day…regardless if it is 5am or 11am. He’s addicted to amphetamines (and has been for years now) and becomes unmanageable if he can’t get any of it.

Anger bursts…blaming me for everything that is wrong in his life…saying I abuse him and that I steal his money (when he doesn’t contribute to anything here either….only buys groceries every so often…all the rest is on me) expects me to clean up after him and complains when everything isn’t perfect because I lack the time to clean up after him every single day since I work and study full time. He claims I cheat on him when I study for my university exams or when i have to go to classes. He uses everything I say against me and accuses me of things that I don’t even know where he gets them from. He throws away money when he goes into one of his rage attacks and then whines that he doesn’t have anything to spend (he still has loans and such to pay off) and so I try to give him money even if I can’t really afford it because he becomes outraged if he doesn’t have cash in his pockets to buy what he wants.

Sounds like a charmer, right? Funny part is nobody would believe me. At work he’s the talkative and funny guy and all the girls LOVE him and he loves all the girls (I’ve found multiple texts to his colleagues in his phone that were sexually tinted) and the attention they give him. He flirts with women in front of me and laughs that he’d ask their number but his girlfriend is jealous. Me? I get in trouble when I talk to a male classmate about a paper. I can’t go near skype or he turns paranoid and if I stay out a minute too long I get 10 phone calls asking where I am. Everything I say I have to rethink 10 times so I don’t say It wrong or make the wrong face saying it…and even then there’s usually a fight or more every day…slowly building up to a huge outburst from his end, followed by apologies and a short time of normality.

He constantly threatens he’ll move out but his parents don’t want him in the house anymore and he can’t support himself. I have packed his stuff multiple times now because of verbal and beginning physical abuse from his end but he keeps begging to come back. And I just don’t have the strength to throw his bags out onto the street. I’m isolated from all my friends I used to have…I don’t have anyone to back me up because they don’t know what he’s like with me. He’s been talking badly about me to everyone he happens to come across when he runs off in one of his rage-fits. His parents are looking at me strange lately and I’m sure I don’t even want to know half the things he says about me. I found a text to a colleague of his saying how I’m a crazy b**ch and that he’s proud that he kicked me in the legs. And people look at ME because of what he says.

I feel like I’ve forgotten what it’s like to smile or be happy at all… I’ve been depressed for over a year now and I just don’t see the light anymore. Worst of all I’m starting to believe that all the horrible things he says about me make sense just because I hear them so constantly. 

I’m sorry that this became such a long piece but I could honestly use some advice.

[Alice1992]

I’m 23 and met my boyfriend (35) 2 years ago. He was unlike anyone i’d ever met…charming, attentive, funny and spontaneous. He had just gotten out of a very nasty divorce where his ex-wife had met someone else and had taken the house and everything along with it. I was aware he had a drinking issues and used…heavier things too… But he swore he’d stop all of that to be with me. He was living at home when I met him and could hardly make due on his paycheck…even if they never asked for any household contribution. His mom made him a saving’s account and tried very hard to get him back on his feet… At the time I had no idea what debt he was in because of his spending habits and his addictions.

He said he was going crazy at home and wanted to spend time with me constantly. So he decided he wanted to come live with me. I wasn’t opposed (I didn’t like sleeping at his parent’s place especially either) so he came to live with me. A few months after he started showing his true face. He needs alcohol to start the day…regardless if it is 5am or 11am. He’s addicted to amphetamines (and has been for years now) and becomes unmanageable if he can’t get any of it.

Anger bursts…blaming me for everything that is wrong in his life…saying I abuse him and that I steal his money (when he doesn’t contribute to anything here either….only buys groceries every so often…all the rest is on me) expects me to clean up after him and complains when everything isn’t perfect because I lack the time to clean up after him every single day since I work and study full time. He claims I cheat on him when I study for my university exams or when i have to go to classes. He uses everything I say against me and accuses me of things that I don’t even know where he gets them from. He throws away money when he goes into one of his rage attacks and then whines that he doesn’t have anything to spend (he still has loans and such to pay off) and so I try to give him money even if I can’t really afford it because he becomes outraged if he doesn’t have cash in his pockets to buy what he wants.

Sounds like a charmer, right? Funny part is nobody would believe me. At work he’s the talkative and funny guy and all the girls LOVE him and he loves all the girls (I’ve found multiple texts to his colleagues in his phone that were sexually tinted) and the attention they give him. He flirts with women in front of me and laughs that he’d ask their number but his girlfriend is jealous. Me? I get in trouble when I talk to a male classmate about a paper. I can’t go near skype or he turns paranoid and if I stay out a minute too long I get 10 phone calls asking where I am. Everything I say I have to rethink 10 times so I don’t say It wrong or make the wrong face saying it…and even then there’s usually a fight or more every day…slowly building up to a huge outburst from his end, followed by apologies and a short time of normality.

He constantly threatens he’ll move out but his parents don’t want him in the house anymore and he can’t support himself. I have packed his stuff multiple times now because of verbal and beginning physical abuse from his end but he keeps begging to come back. And I just don’t have the strength to throw his bags out onto the street. I’m isolated from all my friends I used to have…I don’t have anyone to back me up because they don’t know what he’s like with me. He’s been talking badly about me to everyone he happens to come across when he runs off in one of his rage-fits. His parents are looking at me strange lately and I’m sure I don’t even want to know half the things he says about me. I found a text to a colleague of his saying how I’m a crazy b**ch and that he’s proud that he kicked me in the legs. And people look at ME because of what he says.

I feel like I’ve forgotten what it’s like to smile or be happy at all… I’ve been depressed for over a year now and I just don’t see the light anymore. Worst of all I’m starting to believe that all the horrible things he says about me make sense just because I hear them so constantly. 

I’m sorry that this became such a long piece but I could honestly use some advice.

[Herodias]

Get rid of him! That's pretty simple... .

[JohnLove]

Sorry Alice1992, that's not bad. That's HORRID. You have described some of the worst human traits. Slander, devaluing, using you for $, anger, rages, smear campaigns, verbal abuse, drinking, drugs, physical abuse... .too many red flags, too many deal breakers.

I'm sorry... .but I just don't see the love. I don't feel this is going to get any better for you... .actually I fear the opposite.

[HappyNihilist]

  Hi Alice, and welcome to the family. I'm glad you found us - it helps so much to talk.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this frightening, confusing situation.   I'm concerned for your safety. Do you feel physically safe now?

I'd recommend contacting a local domestic violence shelter. The national domestic violence hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Even if you're not planning to leave, they can provide resources and telephone counseling and help you figure out a safety plan. The most important thing is to take care of yourself - you are worth it.

He needs alcohol to start the day…regardless if it is 5am or 11am. He’s addicted to amphetamines (and has been for years now) and becomes unmanageable if he can’t get any of it.

Anger bursts…blaming me for everything that is wrong in his life…saying I abuse him and that I steal his money (when he doesn’t contribute to anything here either….only buys groceries every so often…all the rest is on me) expects me to clean up after him and complains when everything isn’t perfect because I lack the time to clean up after him every single day since I work and study full time. He claims I cheat on him when I study for my university exams or when i have to go to classes. He uses everything I say against me and accuses me of things that I don’t even know where he gets them from. He throws away money when he goes into one of his rage attacks and then whines that he doesn’t have anything to spend (he still has loans and such to pay off) and so I try to give him money even if I can’t really afford it because he becomes outraged if he doesn’t have cash in his pockets to buy what he wants.

This is quite a list of unhealthy, dysfunctional, disordered, and abusive behavior.

Sounds like a charmer, right? Funny part is nobody would believe me. At work he’s the talkative and funny guy and all the girls LOVE him and he loves all the girls (I’ve found multiple texts to his colleagues in his phone that were sexually tinted) and the attention they give him. He flirts with women in front of me and laughs that he’d ask their number but his girlfriend is jealous. Me? I get in trouble when I talk to a male classmate about a paper. I can’t go near skype or he turns paranoid and if I stay out a minute too long I get 10 phone calls asking where I am. Everything I say I have to rethink 10 times so I don’t say It wrong or make the wrong face saying it…and even then there’s usually a fight or more every day…slowly building up to a huge outburst from his end, followed by apologies and a short time of normality.

I'm so sorry. I completely understand this. My exBPDbf was very, very similar.

I know it's stressful and hurtful. Having to analyze exactly how you're going to say something - and still getting it "wrong" most of the time - it's absolutely crazy-making and emotionally/mentally draining.

I have packed his stuff multiple times now because of verbal and beginning physical abuse from his end but he keeps begging to come back. And I just don’t have the strength to throw his bags out onto the street.

What do you mean by not having the strength to throw his bags onto the street? What is it that makes you take him back when he begs?

I will tell you that abuse only escalates unless actions are taken. This can mean ending the relationship, or establishing and enforcing boundaries in the relationship. Actually, whether you decide to stay in or leave the relationship, you will need to establish and enforce boundaries.

A boundary could be something like - "I will not tolerate physical abuse and will leave the house if it happens." If there is physical abuse from him, then you would follow through by leaving the house. Boundaries are about you and what you can control. You can't control his emotions and behavior, but you can control how you respond to them and what you will not tolerate.

It's important to also make sure your response to having your boundaries invaded is safe for you. Enforcing personal boundaries resists his ability to control you - he will react to it at first, and the initial reaction may be worse than current behaviors. This is called an 'extinction burst.'

This article gives a good definition of extinction and extinction bursts - the article itself is about child behavior but it applies to adults in the same way.

Extinction occurs when a reinforcer for a particular behavior is no longer delivered following the behavior. Whenever you change environmental variables, the behaviors may initially get worse due to an extinction burst. An extinction burst is an increase in the frequency or intensity of the targeted behavior when extinction is used. One of the most important things when using extinction is to be consistent. Extinction does not happen overnight, nor does the behavior stop occurring after you have used extinction only once or twice.  

Because of extinction bursts, it's very important to consider your safety when establishing boundaries in a physically abusive environment.

I’m isolated from all my friends I used to have…I don’t have anyone to back me up because they don’t know what he’s like with me.

Most abusers do ensure that their partners are isolated from their support systems. But are you sure that your friends and/or family would really not believe you or provide support to you? Have you tried to reach out? Have you told anyone what he's like with you?

It's so important to have support. I think you might be surprised about the support you will find from those who care about you - even if you've been isolated for two years.

He’s been talking badly about me to everyone he happens to come across when he runs off in one of his rage-fits. His parents are looking at me strange lately and I’m sure I don’t even want to know half the things he says about me. I found a text to a colleague of his saying how I’m a crazy b**ch and that he’s proud that he kicked me in the legs. And people look at ME because of what he says.

It's terrible to know that our partner has been talking badly about us, especially when it's such a distortion of the truth.

But do you think it's possible that not everyone believes him? I know that, if a male colleague told me he was proud that he kicked his girlfriend, I would definitely be thinking that she's probably not the "crazy one" in the relationship.

I feel like I’ve forgotten what it’s like to smile or be happy at all… I’ve been depressed for over a year now and I just don’t see the light anymore.

     I'm so sorry... .it's very understandable that you would be depressed, given everything that's going on in your life. Have you thought about talking to a therapist or even your doctor? An antidepressant might be helpful in the short term while you're dealing with this situation.

Worst of all I’m starting to believe that all the horrible things he says about me make sense just because I hear them so constantly.

Please know that it isn't true. Just because you're hearing it constantly from a disordered, abusive person does not make it true.

You are important and you have worth and you matter.  

Please take care of yourself, and keep posting. We're all here for you.

[OnceConfused]

Alice:

what helped me was by chance I read an article called :how do you know when you date a loser?"

Google that term you will see so many references: here is one of them

www.counsellingresource.com/lib/therapy/self-help/loser/

They are very cunning at controlling you:

1. Isolating you from your support - like a brainwashing procedure

2. Making you feel guilty if you don't do things for them

3. making you feel so confused with 1 minute being so sweet and the next minute being abusive

4. Making you feel obligated that you owe them your money and your life and whatever.

You are the one that took him in, and now you must be the one that kick him out. Only you can do it.

[Suspicious1]

It took me a while to realise I was in an abusive relationship with my ex (not BPD) husband. It was a process to realise it, and then another process to work out how to leave. Let alone the scraping together of self-esteem in the meantime.

There is a VERY good book by a guy called Lundy Bancroft, called "Why Does He Do That?".

[Herodias]

The reason I said get rid of him, is because I was in a similar situation... .It only gets worse and if you try to leave they hold you down... .Mine held a gun to me. It's not love- It's control and abuse. It took me awhile to get it in my head as well. I remember the good side of him... .you just have to remember the bad and know there are people out there that don't treat people they truly love like that. Seriously, end it and try not to look back. I did this for 8 years! It's not worth it- he is on to his next victim and I am much safer for it. I am sorry you are going through this... .no one wants to be alone. Get close to your family and friends and get out and start meeting "normal" people... .you will be glad when you are out- trust us here... .this is not a good relationship at all. You will only end up hurt in more ways than one. So sorry... .the best way to help both of you is to walk away. he will either get help and change or stay the same, only time will tell. Staying is accepting the behavior and he actually will not respect you for it. I did all the wrong things and am finally done, It's like I had to keep getting abused over and over to get it in my head that he will never change. It's a sad state to be in... .help yourself, please... .

[living in the past]

run forest run,i should have done that when i first read it,

[Herodias]

You can always get a police officer to help you escort him out... .tell your friends the truth and have them be there when you throw him out... .just be careful, in some states you have to give people a 30 day eviction notice and that could make life even more horrible for you. If anything physical happens I would defiantely call the police and they would remove him... .I had to do that myself. Good luck- but just do it! You have lots of years ahead of you and if you learn from this, you will not accept this kind of person in your life ever again!

[Alice1992]

First and foremost…thank you all for the comments and supportive messages. It really helps to get someone else’s view on the subject and to have people hear my end of the story. I can’t really tell anyone around me because he is utterly fun and charming company to anyone else but me... .Even my own mother had a hard time believing what I told her so I didn’t try further. THAT is how amazing and normal he looks to the outside world. I’m the only one who gets to see Mr. Hyde…

Getting rid of him is not as simple as it looks. He has literally nowhere to go so he’ll do whatever he can to stay here where he can pretty much do as he pleases. His parents refuse to take him in again, he has no friends he’s really close with and he has no way to afford a place of his own because of his spending habits and debts. And it's not like i haven't tried showing him the door before... .

A month ago it came to a point where I got so disgusted by his behavior (he’s extremely protective of his phone and computer so I got suspicious as he’s texted other women sexually before and I warned him not to do it again…so when he was knocked out drunk I grabbed his phone and looked…finding endless lists of text messages to girls he works with about how hot they looked that day and that he’s ‘not getting any’ at home again… it’s a long list and he deletes most of them so I can imagine what he says to people about me) that I threw him out and told him not to come back.

First he started yelling his usual insults… I don’t really respond to that anymore because I know no matter what I say is wrong. I can’t defend myself because he twists every word I say…I can’t reply because he doesn’t listen to reason…so I sit quietly and let yell. When he saw that didn’t help he became physical…pushing me…challenging me… until I eventually lost my patience and demanded he left. He kicked me in the legs hard, grabbed some stuff, took his car and said he was going home…

Not as much as an hour later he called asking if I had ‘cooled down’ yet and if I was going to stop whining he would come home… Acting like I was the crazy one and he was the saint who did nothing wrong.  I told him I wouldn’t accept his behavior and he hung up. I ignored his calls and texts but he kept calling and I picked up again…same thing…’I see you’re still whining, guess I’ll stay away a little longer’…I hear people laughing and bar sounds in the background.  Texts full of insults saying I’m lazy, filthy, have a retarded family and that I’ve taken all his money and he’ll make sure everyone knows… (Mind you, I don’t even allow him to pay stuff for me when we go out because he’s always tight on money… I’ve taken it on me to keep check of his bills because he didn’t bother to pay them.)

The next morning he shows up at my doorstep, demanding his stuff and saying his parents and friends know all about how I’m lazy and how I lie about studying and going to work and how I take money from him…(The same accusations that I always get…though I honestly don’t know why... I study hard because I want to get somewhere in life, I work to be able to afford said studies and pay for food, rent, etc. I hardly ever go out without him anymore unless for class or work and I have never asked him for money in those 2 years…the opposite. I feel like he’s reflecting every frustration about himself onto me….but I guess that’s a typical borderline thing.)

When I tell him go ahead and take your stuff (I put it all in bags ready to take) he suddenly turns 180° and starts crying about how sorry he is and how he understands that I never want to see him again and how he’ll just drive himself of the nearest bridge. I had to stop him from jumping off a building once already so it’s not an empty threat. He begged and pleaded, crying for hours on end…and I gave in. Again.

And it was calm for a few days and now it’s starting to build up again slowly…He gets irritated daily, I get called and ugly fat stupid b___ for simply asking him to blow out a candle before he goes to bed (fire hazard) because I interrupted his game of FIFA…  I know the cycle by now: minor irritations build up for a week or 2 until there’s a massive blowout from his end after which he acts like nothing happened and doesn’t remember any of the horrible things he did or said…followed by a quiet period of a few days before the cycle repeats.

So why stay, you ask? Honestly? I’m terrified he’ll do something to either me, my family or to himself. He’s very capable of doing something to himself and leaving a note saying I drove him to it or something of the sorts. From his mother I heard he got a restraining order from his ex-wife because he came to her door holding a knife while covered in animal blood (he’s a butcher…just killed a pig or something) and demanded she let him in… Once again, stuff I did not know BEFORE I met him or he wouldn’t have gotten near me… I don’t want to move out of town…I live close to my sister and my mom who’s in her 60’s lives 2 minutes away… I have a job here and I love what I study…I don’t want to run away from the life I have just because of him. And, as impossible as it sounds, he really does have some good traits but those are NOT worth it compared to his bad ones.

Is there a chance he’ll just willingly leave on his own? I have a feeling he’s looking for another ‘victim’ because I’ve stopped responded to his rages like I used to (I learned to ignore his terrible behavior until he turns back to normal) so he doesn’t get attention that way anymore… And I’m scared to ask for police support because he’s capable of hiding the junk he snorts and shoving it into my shoes… (I’ve never done drugs, don’t smoke and only drink a glass of wine occasionally, don’t need that stuff).

But I know that if I throw him out he’ll not only harass me for months or try to hurt me in any way he can… but he’ll start a smearing campaign against me that I just really want to avoid… I live in a fairly small town so I’d hate to get stared at because of what he tells people… I’m already noticing his family and friends looking at me strange as it is… I’d hate for my own family to look at me that way too. I just want this to end as calmly as it can…no nasty breakup followed by revenge from his end but he’ll never allow me to throw him out and continue my life as before.

I wish I’d known what I was getting myself into at the beginning of this… I’m not usually the girl who lets herself get messed with, but I thought his behavior was just a result from his divorce and drinking/other habits…That It would get better if he met someone who truly loved him and was kind to him… I thought I could help him lose that horrible side of him so only the good side would be left… I had no idea it would get this bad.

Sorry for making this such a long read.

[OnceConfused]

He has literally nowhere to go so he’ll do whatever he can to stay here where he can pretty much do as he pleases. His parents refuse to take him in again, he has no friends he’s really close with and he has no way to afford a place of his own because of his spending habits and debts.

Now, you sound like you are truly caught in his BPD strategy = OBLIGATION, GUILTS, and FEAR (FOG). He is a fully grown man at age 35, then why do you feel you are responsible for his NOWHERE TO GO? He survives before you came and he will survive after you leave.

Why do you make it YOUR PROBLEM when even his parents refuse to take him again and all his friends abandoned him ?

But I know that if I throw him out he’ll not only harass me for months or try to hurt me in any way he can… but he’ll start a smearing campaign against me that I just really want to avoid… I live in a fairly small town so I’d hate to get stared at because of what he tells people

It sounds to me that so many people have known about your man's character (that is why even his parents and friends have long abandoned him as you noted), so for those who even believe his smearing campaign, they perhaps are someone whom you DON"T CARE TO BE FRIEND WITH)

It does not sound like he would leave as quietly as you would hope . I am even surprised at his attitude like

ot as much as an hour later he called asking if I had ‘cooled down’ yet and if I was going to stop whining he would come home…

it seems to me that you have given him the OK that he can come in and out of your life at will and you really need him more than he needs you.

It also sounds like he has a very bad temper as the story with his xwife, do you think that by staying with you LONGER, his temper will disappear ?  DREAM ON

So the next time he makes you mad and you kick him out of your apartment, use that excuse as the lock to close the door with him. don't let him talk you into letting him back in.

The answer to your problem (if you recognize this as a problem) lies with YOU and not with him nor anyone else here. You brought him into your life and you must be the one that continue to stay with him or the one who says "thank you, enough is enough. See you later".  Just remember what I said here - YOU and YOU alone is the solution to this problem.

May you have all the green lights.

Namaste

[living in the past]

 Hi, I hope by the time you read this.This person with BPD (monster) is out of your life, you don"t deserve this,no normal man would treat you like this, he is not normal and needs a lot of help ,by staying with you he will never get help ,and you will end up sicker than he is,do what ever you can to get away,... .you are much to young to be dealt this insanity.

[Loosestrife]

I'm sorry to say it but he will find somewhere to go. His suicide threats are not your problem. Only you can bite the bullet on this one.