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Notwendy
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« Reply #3 on: August 11, 2015, 09:10:51 AM » |
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Keep in mind that family members interact within their own system, which is designed to keep them as stable as possible. Your wife came from her family's system and brought it into her current relationship with you. This happens in most families, and people from healthy family systems bring their healthy system with them, while people raised in dysfunctional ones bring that one with them too. One aspect of attaining healthier family relationships is to examine our own system and how it influences us. That's the only one we can really affect. We can't change theirs, however, by adopting healthy behavior, we can sometimes cause a shift in our family systems and other members.
The seeing things in black and white, the drama triangle, the family roles - a designated scapegoat/persecutor t ( your wife? ) and a hero/victim of persecutor ( you) is possibly at play with your mother's family. This is probably where she got it from, although there can be large variations in how affected different family members are. Your wife could possibly be the most affected of them.
They love you, but consider that they love you because to them, it fits somewhere. It is possible that they also see you as the good guy that you are. I would say, enjoy that they love you, and don't second guess it, but also be aware of the family system and how it might affect your marriage. That might be helpful to you. It may upset your wife that her family sees her flaws and paints and you white because this is how she was treated in her FOO, and it feels hurtful. We siblings in our FOO know that the good feeling of being "white" might mean that someone in the family is hurting because they are painted "black", and then, it doesn't feel so good after all.
I have shifted roles in my family system. I was- and still am- the black child. I didn't cause any particular issues, was basically a good and strong kid, but I was also the most outspoken, and not willing to pretend that all was normal. There was an incentive to discredit me because of that. Still, I wanted to be accepted by my family on both sides and was raised to be a people- pleaser.
My mother's ( with BPD) family adored my father. Although they would not admit that anything was going on with my mother, they saw him as the hero that would take care of her and he did that. Us kids, though, they had little interest in. Despite the fact that we were overachievers in school, as far as they were concerned, we were never as smart and talented as their children, and we were not really family members to them. My father's family adored us and embraced us as their own.
When my father reached his elderly years, and his health began to diminish, my mother's family became interested in me. At first, I was happy to finally be accepted and acknowleged after wanting it so badly, but then, I realized that I was acting as a rescuer in my family and that actually felt good for a while. They finally saw me as a great person.
However, I got the sense after a while that I was being solicited into the fold as mom's caretaker. At this time, I realized the situation, and although I do care about her and plan to do what I can for her, this does not include being an enabler or caretaker in the disordered sense. I realized that I needed to focus on my family and myself. Once they realized this, I was painted black again. Since my father passed away, they have for the most part separated themselves from me and "his side" of the family.
My H's family is kind to me, but he was the "golden child" in his family, so naturally nobody could really be good enough for him in their eyes. I think they recognize that I have been a good wife and mother, but I still feel a bit on the outside with them. Still, I would prefer this over being all white or all black.
Actually, my ideal is to not split a couple into black/white, victim/persecutor and embrace a spouse as your own, after all, once they are joined in marriage, both members of a couple are, if one is your biological child.
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