not sure what this is called or how to handle

[SurfNTurf]

Hi Everyone,

This is a new behavior from myuBPDhusb... .as we all know, when their old tricks stop working for them, they might try some new trick. (Behavior.)

Three weeks ago, uBPDh got a new job, opposite shift and opposite days off from me. Three weeks ago, he asked could i make ahead a few meals so he wouldnt have to eat hospital food in middle of night. I said sure, as i like to take my own lunches too.

For three weekends i have spent several hours in the kitchen.

For three weeks, food has been going bad in the frigde (what i dontfreeze that is.) When asked why he isnt eating what is prepared,he says "i dont know its there", which cant be true as he opens the fridge all the time and is not blind. Yesterday i made a quiche for a couple days quick reheat breakfast, showedhim the shelf it is on. I came home today to find he had not touched the quiche but left his frypan in the sink and other indications he had scrambled eggs with the samevegies as was in the quiche.

He has not answered my calls or texts in 3 weeks.

The only thing different in the household: Three weels ago i took over a floor tile project he had procrastinated on to the point i feared someone tripping over the hole in the floor. After 4 months of waiting, i hired a guy to come set tile. This pissed off husb who gave me ST this past weekend, but does not explain the previous 3 weeks.

My plan : Steer my own boat. Stop power cooking on weekends-he has two days off he can meet his food needs. But what is this behavior called, it helps me deal if i can identify it. And any other thoughts are welcome too.

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[123Phoebe]

My plan : Steer my own boat. Stop power cooking on weekends-he has two days off he can meet his food needs. But what is this behavior called, it helps me deal if i can identify it. And any other thoughts are welcome too.

Hi SurfNTurf,

Could it be poor communication skills?  Has hubby specified what he'd like to eat?  Have you asked?  Did he ask for quiche? 

[SurfNTurf]

we have been married six years, i amconfident i know his meal preferences.

But to continue busting butt in the kitchen, to have him diregard it so plainly, reeks of codependence so i will stop.

Does anyone have a good idea what to say ehen he asks why ibe stopped power cooking? (I know what i would like to say, but its waaay too snarky!)

[SurfNTurf]

Sorry for typos, on a tablet!

[formflier]

 

So... .how long has it been since you directly addressed something like this with him... .and expressed hurt?

Very different than picking a fight... .

He asked... you  did it... .

He "didn't know"... .(ok... give him one... )

You explained it... .showed him... .removed all doubt... .he still blew off your work... .

This is new behavior... .for him... .and a new day for you... .deal with it in a healthy... upfront manner... and see if he responds the same... .

This is also not end of the world stuff... .but good place to stretch your skills some...

So... .do you feel like figuring out a what to directly engage... ask him about this and express yourself to him.

Not that you are devastated... .but certainly his behavior is hurtful... ?

FF

[SurfNTurf]

FF, yes hurtful and puzzling. I seldom convey that im hurt bc he typically moves directly to minimizing me or blaming me. He has taught me well not to share my feelings. But i will give it a try and see what happens.thank you for the input!

[Ceruleanblue]

"FF, yes hurtful and puzzling. I seldom convey that im hurt bc he typically moves directly to minimizing me or blaming me. He has taught me well not to share my feelings. But i will give it a try and see what happens.thank you for the input!"

I could have written that! I can't address even the smallest things with BPDh because no matter how softly I present it, I get mocked, or blamed. We addressed that in MC, but I'm still not going to risk trying to talk to BPDh about anything any time soon. It really does feel like they have us trained to not share things with them. We'd like to, but it's just too dangerous, and not worth the end results.

[ptilda]

My uBPDh did a similar thing. Coming from Haiti he has extremely picky eating habits and won't touch something that looks different than what he's used to. I worked hard to make what he wanted. Found out he liked stew and 3 weeks after the first batch, made another batch for lunches and to freeze. What did he say? "I don't want to eat this all the time!" 3 weeks apart is all the time? But he'll eat rice and beans every day of the week... .

There's something about the way to a man's heart being through their stomach, and they know it's a little bit of love. Rejecting your food is a way to punish you.

When my husband escalated because after going twice to the bank where he made an enormous deal about how he didn't trust me with his money and when given choices would ask me my opinion so he could pick the opposite of what I said in front of the banker, I finally said when he with great pomp and circumstance hid his PIN from me, said "what am I going to do, break into your account and steal the $5 I gave you as your initial deposit? The only thing I spend money on is you anyhow." He took his time and then decided that was the final straw. Moved his things to a heap in the living room (where they stayed for over 2 months until he moved out) and slept on the indoor balcony. So I decided to be nice after several weeks of him sleeping on the uncomfortable futon and seeing him try to arrange pillows in the dip... .I added a nice mattress and put clean sheets down and everything. He gave me the most hateful glare and slept sitting in the chair all night and the next night on the floor before pulling all what I put there off the futon... .just because I did it out of love and he feels powerful when he can chose when he will allow me to show him love. It's sick, but that's BPD.

[Cole]

I would call it textbook passive aggressive behavior. The question is: What is he passive aggressive about?

He is mad at you because you finished up the flooring project when he would not. But he cannot confront you on it, because deep down he knows you are right. So, he is taking out his feelings on you indirectly. 

This does not explain the previous 3 weeks, as you point out. Is it possible he does not like the new work schedule and is mad at you over it, even though he knows it is not of your doing?   

[waverider]

I agree it is a passive aggressive way of demonstrating that no one can tell him what he should or should not do. Impulse of the moment will dictate what he chooses to do, not a plan laid out by someone else. It maintains his sense of of self worth.

As far as addressing your hurt, don't turn it into a discussion trying to get him to acknowledge it, which triggers auto denial and rebuttal. Simply state it and move on.

The less you discuss it the less smoke can be blown to hide your message. Messages are often heard even if not immediately acted upon.

[SurfNTurf]

I think Cole and Waverider are right on.

Husb is angry he is working at all; he wanted to stay home and let me - the person in the home with the chronic illness whose specialist wants me to reduce work hours if possible - work, while he "did projects around the house." Well, we tried that. He was home one year, many projects were started, none was finished. He made a statement a couple weeks ago, something to the effect of, "I could have had that floor done if you'd let me stay home and not have to get a job." Blaming me for him working. What a thing to say to someone in my situation. I ignored that statement, and ever since he has been passive aggressive, as he is known to be. I think Cole and  Waverider are right.

[formflier]

  Simply state it and move on.

For chronic... .long term behaviors... I would say skip this.

But this is a fresh thing... .you know about tools... .

I would SET a statement to him... .where the T is that you are hurt (not devastated) by his lack on consideration and not eating what he asked for... .and you provided...


DO NOT BLAME... !

This is an opportunity for him to step up and apologize.  Most likely he won't... .if he does... .you need to reinforce good behavior.

If he doesn't... .let it go...

FF

[SurfNTurf]

Yes, I will use a SET. I won't get an apology. I haven't gotten an apology since 2009.