Says we need to be separate but roommates because I am not happy

[OffRoad]

I believe the bedroom thing is a symptom of something else. I'm almost thinking some kind of midlife crisis (he is 46). Last night, he comes in the Master Bedroom (currently "my room" and he was going on and on about how I'm always mad at him, but couldn't come up with any instances(I said "Help me understand how you know I am mad at you." ). He verbally beat me up in circles for nearly an hour before he got down to what was really bothering him: one day last week, he was feeling good about life and had done some chores. He was expecting me to come in and make some kind of big deal over it, but I was having a problem, and I said I was heading off to my room. Later that night he came in and asked if I was mad at him. I said no, I was simply trying to figure out a problem I was having and didn't want to disturb anyone. I apologized for the misunderstanding and thanked him for what he had done. Four days later, he was still PO'd at me because I didn't do whatever he was expecting when I walked in and he still claims I was mad at him. He verbally abused me for over an hour for something I already apologized for. (I tried to get him out of the room, and even left myself, but he followed me. I couldn't leave the house because I wasn't leaving S alone with him.) Also, thanking him for the chores wasn't enough. His verbiage indicated he was expecting some kind of sequence of events that I could not possibly have figured out and when I didn't do that sequence of events, he dysregulated, but stuffed it. Something is REALLY wrong here.

He expects me to play happy family, while he sleeps in the other room, puts on his "happy" mask, but comes and pick fights with me in my bedroom for insane reasons. This is crazy. He was never like this before. But it is ONLY around me.

I'll be locking my door until I figure out what to do. I can't seem to stop making things worse, because if I'm around, I'm doing some made up thing wrong, and if I'm in the bedroom, I'm "avoiding" him. Unless I sit there like a Stepford Wife, I'm doing something wrong. He's obviously stuffing something big, or a whole bunch of small things, but I have no idea what it is.

For those of you with more severe BPD in your partner, once they are dysregulated has their whole life with you always been horrible and you've never had a good day in your marriage, EVER?

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[ptilda]

What about asking a friend or family member to visit for a while? Then you have to give them the guest room. Don't talk to him but just move his things and make up the bed and let him know they will be using it for that amount of time. He'll only have to "endure" a week or whatever sleeping next to you and he can go back if he chooses. Buy a nice pretty nighty and don't say a word. Men see. Even if they don't react.

But my husband? Wow. He's so stubborn. If I tried to do it, he'd find a way to call the police and tell them I was trying to kill him. Haha.

As far as "needing" him, I suggest you don't go about it that way. Instead, if he likes cooking, try a new recipe and ask him to taste it (maybe making sure to leave out the spice or something?) Tell him you miss his signature dish and we're going to try making it, but need his expert opinion on how well you do (Affirming). For my husband it was Haitian squash soup I brought up and when he asked if I had a source for it I said no, but I have a recipe book with it and tried it once but it wasn't quite right. He said to keep trying and he'll taste it. My husband is a great cook and can't leave it done poorly, so he'll get involved.

Today I told him I was thinking about turning the closet of the spare bedroom into a recording studio and he jumped to, "wait for me to help you, it has to be done right." Bingo!

Affirming.

I've been sick for a week and he loved that I depended om him to bring me to the doctor and bring me soup. I had no strength and as sick as it sounds, that made him feel powerful and in control (BPD needs). But if I asked him to do any of that just because, he would be insulted. It's a weird balance.

[formflier]

I believe the bedroom thing is a symptom of something else. I'm almost thinking some kind of midlife crisis (he is 46).

It could by the dynamic of having you "chase" the answer that he is after... .he keeps moving the bar... .you keep chasing. 

Any thoughts?  Has this dynamic ever been present before?  What is different about you in last couple years?  How old is S?

He verbally abused me for over an hour for something I already apologized for. (I tried to get him out of the room, and even left myself, but he followed me. I couldn't leave the house because I wasn't leaving S alone with him.) 

Is there a room in the house with a lock that you could go with S?  Can you take him to car and drive away?

Does he honor requests for a break in the conversation... using "I" statements... .don't make it about him?

What is different in last year or two... .about you?  About S?   His life?

He expects me to play happy family, while he sleeps in the other room, puts on his "happy" mask, but comes and pick fights with me in my bedroom for insane reasons. This is crazy. He was never like this before. But it is ONLY around me.

To me... .this kinda deflates "mid life crisis".  This is about his feelings about an intimate r/s.  (just my theory... my opinion)

because if I'm around, I'm doing some made up thing wrong

What do others think?  I'm thinking not be around... .tell him timeframe... .then come back and test waters. 

Remember... .this is a boundary... .don't worry about what he thinks or feels about it... .don't make it about him... .it's about you.

For those of you with more severe BPD in your partner, once they are dysregulated has their whole life with you always been horrible and you've never had a good day in your marriage, EVER?

Yeah... .I've had it go for days... .maybe a week... .  But that was in the time period where I was making it worse... .I was a part of the dynamic.  Many times I would pour more energy into it... .pickup the gauntlet... .etc etc.

Are you guys in counseling together? 

FF

[OffRoad]

H won't go to counseling. He doesn't think there is anything wrong with him. It's all my fault. This started ramping up about three years ago, but it wasn't until he put the body pillow in bed between us at the beginning of December 2014 I knew I wasn't imagining it. I kept telling him I felt like I was in the relationship alone. He kept insisting he was engaged. I have been to counseling myself before. I was told by two that he was most likely BPD and that it was never going to get better. (I only described our interactions. I was trying to find out what I was doing wrong... .) That is how I ended up here.

What has changed is that D18 went off to college last year, 3000 miles away. Money is tight, because H decided that D needed to go to this private college that was not in our budget, even though we both sat there and crunched the numbers. When I pointed out that sending her to that college meant the rest of us would be living on 1/3 of his salary, he decided right then and there that I was wrong and that D needed to go there. I was right (although I have never said so) and we are bleeding money out of the savings badly.  There will be no money for S to go to college, except for that which I had already put away (about enough for a year and a half at a local state college, and he will have to live at home) I have been searching for a job, but have been out of the workforce for over 10 years. No one wants a 56 year old woman with old technical skills, but I soldier on.

S is 16, but does not yet drive, and is a very easy going kid who, until recently, has not stood up for himself against his father. I would normally have left the house, but several weeks back, H came out and RAGED at S over some little thing, using the F word every third word. H had NEVER done this before. NEVER used that word, or hardly any curse words when addressing either child. The thing was something that S had done, but did not deserve that over the top raging. S just sat there and took it, because he knew he had done something wrong and was so shocked. I kept expecting him to speak up, but he said nothing, just stared at his father. Scared the bejeebers out of both S and me. Asking him later, S said he had done what his father was yelling about, and I told him that no one deserves to be raged at like that, and he was within his rights to leave the room if it ever happened again. From ANYONE. I have informed S that if I need to leave the house to remove myself from an argument, I will inform him and that I would prefer it if he left with me, but it will be his choice. And that if he needs to leave the house for any reason, just tell me.

The room with the lock IS the MB. I kept trying to stop the conversation with "I am very tired. Could we continue this tomorrow?" No soap. He was stuck in a loop. Again, not behavior I have seen to this degree before, but I think I am prepared for it now.

As to what others think: he usually doesn't do this when other people are around, but has slipped several times. He raged at me while I was on Skype with D18. D18 witnessed him accusing me of something I wasn't doing for about 15 minutes(He said I was talking trash about him. We weren't even talking about him at all).  S got the rage that time recently (I had completely disengaged and H couldn't get me to bite at anything, so he went at the only other person in the house.) Right before all this started, he started to rage at D in front of his parents, but caught himself before he went too far. His parents did notice, though. Whenever we go somewhere together and other people enjoy my conversation and company, and especially when they state these things, H looks at me like he doesn't recognize who I am. Like, if other people like me, I can't be so bad, and it confuses him. Again, new behavior.

He has always picked fights, now that I know about BPD, I understand why and can avoid most of them. But he seems to have some NEED to fight with someone on a regular basis, and not in a productive way. It's like he bottles up all his grievances, then vomits his emotions all over whomever is handy that he can get by with it, usually me or one of the kids. I used to run interference for the kids, because I had no idea what was happening, but I wasn't letting them take the brunt of it for no reason. Compared to recent fight picking, it was mild, but still inappropriate.

[OffRoad]

BTW, yes, I am updating my technical skills, but on my own so I have no proof that I actually HAVE those skills, unless I can get in for an interview. Of which I have had several, but they always come back and say they hired someone with "more experience."

[formflier]

 Offroad,

Great post!  As in good information about a bad situation. 

I'll spend some time with this tonight...

We are navigating college drama in our house as well...

My first blush as this is that YOU need to have better boundaries.  Not picking on you...

see my other post... .about my number 1 thing that improved my r/s... .and was 100% under my control.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=281861.0;all

So... .your assignment (if I may be so bold)... .is to come up with 3 boundaries that will improve your r/s an homelife... .go ahead and post about them... .if I don't post first...

I've got trailer bearings calling my name... .

FF

[OffRoad]

Thank, FF. I have plenty of "boundaries". Some get created as I go, because until I run into the situation (like when he would not leave me alone the other night), I have to weigh options in seconds. I could have left. Great boundary. But I was not comfortable leaving S behind. Was I to go tell S that his father was hounding me all over the house at 11:30 pm and I needed to leave and thought it best he should go with me? Not at that time. So that boundary is now in place for anything in the future. Boundary: I will not have discussions in the MB. Existing Boundary modified: When your words are hurtful, they make me unhappy. I would like you to stop, or I will go to my room, leave the house, fill in the blank. I have used this one for years, but this was the first time he would not leave me alone, and the discussion started in the MB.

I can't stop H from sending money to D18. I can shift money from one account to another so H doesn't know how much we actually have. But that is manipulation. I did, for many years, simply put money into accounts for college for the kids. I didn't bother to ask or negotiate, just did it. He never complained, so I continued. It wasn't enough for all the college years, but at H's income we could have managed just fine at any state college for both children. What I have already put in play is notifying D that she may end up having to take out loans for any portion of the remainder of her college years. Existing Boundary: I will not sign any loans for college.

Should I get a job, a boundary will be that I handle the money I earn. H can handle the money he earns if he wants to, but he won't, so no worries there. If it gets down to it, I can pay half of every bill, but I'm only paying half of the amount I would have paid for D to go to college at a state college, not half of what this college costs. (BTW, I did work outside the home full time for the first five years, was sole support for the family for a year and a half and worked contract for several other years to be able to purchase new vehicles when needed and extras for the family)

I can't think of any boundaries that will get him to actually be a romantic partner. You can't make someone do something they don't want to do. And so I am in a marriage that is only a piece of paper that is constantly hurtful because he ignores me and withholds affection. And I still don't know why or what I can do about it.

[formflier]

I can't think of any boundaries that will get him to actually be a romantic partner. You can't make someone do something they don't want to do.

Boundaries don't work this way... .your second sentence shows that you understand this.

A boundary designed to get a partner to do a certain thing... .is usually referred to as manipulative as it is controlling of his stuff.

A true boundary controls your stuff... he can do what he wants.

Such as... .you allow his to blather all he wants at 2 in the morning.  You decide to take your ears elsewhere.  He is not affected... he gets to keep using his mouth all he wants... .and in the manner he wants.  His mouth is his...

You get to use your ears in the manner you want... .they are yours.

Now... .he may claim that he is being manipulated by your leaving... .don't bit... .argue... or explain.  He will figure it out.

FF

[formflier]

 

So... most boundaries (at least in my world)... .have come about because I have been "busted" on something...

She can usually "get" me... once... maybe twice.  Then I wise up... figure out a boundary... .stick to it... .the gig is up.

For instance... .I don't have a FB account... .I don't do social media.  My choice.  She hands me her phone on mothers day... .requests I post something on her FB page. 

Cue FF dear in the headlights look... .my brain is molasses... as I think... .what can possibly go wrong... .?  

I write out some nice stuff... hit post... .I identify in the post that it is me... .posting on her "wall"... or whatever it is.

So... she reads it... .and... .is displeased.  Announces  "that's not going to cut it... "  Stomps around a bit.

FF's brain starts working better... .my internal monologue says... ."you dumba$$"... .

She rewrites the post... .leaves it as coming from me... and it's this over the top...   you are the best ever XOXO... love you more than ever... .blah blah blah... .

Friends start texting me asking if I "really" wrote that... .

They know me... how I talk... .and they figured it out... and just wanted to confirm that part of the post was mine... part hers.

The old me would have pleaded... .argued that she "can't" touch that post... .the new me realizes boundaries... .it's her facebook account... .she can do what she wants.

Since that time... .if offered to do something on FB  "I don't do facebook... "

So... I'm saying this to say... .that don't worry about getting busted a time or two... .it happens... .

I'll work on some boundaries for you... .you are on the right track... .

FF

[shatra]

Such as... .you allow his to blather all he wants at 2 in the morning.  You decide to take your ears elsewhere.  He is not affected... he gets to keep using his mouth all he wants... .and in the manner he wants.  His mouth is his...

=====Good idea. What if you can't leave the area? How can one take one's ears elsewhere?  Putting on headphones might make her more angry... .asking her to cut back on the talking might make her feel "controlled"... .

[formflier]

  Putting on headphones might make her more angry... .asking her to cut back on the talking might make her feel "controlled"... .

I considered this for a while... we talked about it on here... .and we all decided it would be seen as a challenge (headphones).

I roll over... .and lay still.  Yep... I have to hear that stuff... .but it eventually burns out.

I have sleep disabilities... .so... hard for me to pick up and leave. 

It worked... .but took a while.

FF