My NC Letter

[keldubs78]

This is what I just e-mailed my mom this morning.  I know it's controversial if you should even send a letter but I know for me, it's important that she read why I've made the decision.  I realize there's no way she will agree with any of it but I do not for a fact she will read it and it gives me closure.

Mom,

I need you to understand why I asked you to no longer contact me.  I realize you won't agree with what I'm about to say but I need to send it.  If you choose not to read it, that's your decision.

You and I don't see eye to eye hardly ever and the dynamic of our relationship is unhealthy for both of us.  You see it as I do things to hurt you and you need to defend yourself and I see it as the exact opposite.  

Yesterday was the first day I was going to wake up and try to get back on track with living a life for my own family, D and the kids.  The first thing I woke up to was your text accusing me of doing something I did not do, something as it turns out, you yourself informed K of, not me.  The fact that you do not trust that I wouldn't give K personal financial information is hurtful on so many levels since I have done absolutely nothing but try to help and support you through dad's illness and death.  

I have repeatedly asked you to not badmouth K to me and as a mother to a daughter, you should respect that wish regardless of how you feel about her.  You demand that I see things your way and then punish me for not feeling the same way about her that you do.  That is a form of bullying.  You do not respect that boundary and violate it time and again despite my pleading with you not to and then you turn it around on me and say that you just wish I could understand how you feel.  Well, mom, I wish you could understand how I feel too but that seems to not be possible.  

Getting that text from you yesterday was the tip of the iceberg of so many things I have bit my tongue about in the last weeks of Dad's life and in the 2 weeks that have followed.  I cannot live my life with constant anxiety awaiting the next text or phone call in which you insist on provoking me into an argument or unnecessary drama.  I won't do it.  It is making me emotionally and physically sick.  

I know you may think that I'm not allowing you to grieve in your own way, that your behavior was due to being distraught over his illness and death and therefore should be allowed.  I understand you being sad.  I also understand your being angry.  What I don't understand or appreciate is you turning your anger toward others, and I seem to be the number one target for that.  I can't allow that.  I respect myself too much to allow it and that is my right.  Just because I am your daughter and you are my mother, it does not mean I have to take anything thrown at me.  You have no idea and don't seem to care how upsetting and hurtful it is when you treat me the way you do.  And if this was only happening recently, I might be able to tolerate it but it has been going on for many, many years.  Yes, you do nice things for us too.  But, you don't seem to get that all the negative is so hurtful that it takes away from the good.  You aren't entitled to behave any way you like simply because you feel a certain way.  People, myself included, can make their own decisions of what they will tolerate and who they choose to be around.  Sadly, you seem to create situations that have forced me to do the very thing you probably truly don't want, to leave you.      

My priority is my kids and D.  I cannot do what I need to do for them and be made to feel on a daily basis that it is my expected responsibility to keep you afloat.  As a daughter, that is not my job.  It is something I would be willing to do if I didn't have a mother who was continually not respecting my boundaries and my wishes of not being dragged into drama and negativity.  

Believe it or not, I love you.  But I also feel bad for you, Mom.  I don't think you can control a lot of the things you do and that is why I think you have a mental illness.  I know you disagree with that and you have people who have told you otherwise but those therapists have not seen how you behave with your closest family.  You emotionally abuse us and while it may not always be intentional, it is happening, and my only choice is to not be around it in order to protect myself.  

I am not telling the kids anything about this.  I am not saying one negative thing about you to them.  You have my word on that.  If you want to see the kids when we come to Indianapolis, that's fine and we can arrange for that to happen without me present.  I do not trust, however that you would not speak negatively to them about me so my one condition is that someone else like J is present during your visit.  That is my right as their mother to make that decision and if you don't agree with it, then you simply won't see them at all.  

It is very sad that things have come to this but really, Dad was the only thing that was holding any shred of a relationship that we had with each other.  He is gone now and I think it's best that we try, at least for the foreeable future, to grieve his death separately and without being in each other's lives.  Maybe someday we can come to a better place but it is obvious to me, and probably to you, that it can't happen right now.  

[Kwamina]

Hi keldubs78

I am very sorry that you lost your dad recently. This already is a difficult time for you and your mother's behavior unfortunately only makes it harder.

It can often really help writing down all the things you would like to say to your BPD parent. Not necessarily to send it, but in the first place for yourself to allow yourself to put your own well-being first. How did it make you feel writing this letter?

And how did you feel after you actually sent this e-mail to your mother?

[keldubs78]

Yes, I understand that not sending it is often recommended but for me, to have some closure, I felt that was what I needed to do.  It's not because I think she will see any truth in it.  But sending it made me feel better than leaving it hanging that it was just yesterday's incident that triggered a disproportionate reaction on my part.  I will not be sending her anything else and she is blocked from contacting me in pretty much every way.  Thank you for reading my letter and for your response.

[Kwamina]

I understand keldubs78. These are very personal decisions and everyone's healing process is different. Sometimes you really need to actually send these letter to like you say have some closure. For other persons it's different and just writing the letter can already be very cathartic for them. Regardless of whether she reads it or not, this was important for you and that's what matters most here.

Your dad only died recently and I hope you'll be able to start morning this loss. With everything that has been going on with your mother, I can imagine that it might have been hard for you to truly begin the mourning process.

Take care

[Sadly]

Huge hug to you, losing your dad and by the sound of it your champion is very hard without all the rest you have going on. Can only say what others here say to me, be strong.   xx