Guilt about post breakup contact.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I made a thread asking if sending a message would be a bad idea, and I posted it in the original post.

A lot of people said it was way too harsh, especially to someone with BPD. While it was my intention to make her not want to be with me anymore, I didn't want to outright hurt her. So I decided not to send it.

But after reading over the replies, it made me think of my most recent contact with her.

After she broke up with my replacement and I got her apology and I was ignored. I sent her ex (the replacement) a message saying "I'm glad you got out, she has serious issues. She sent me a message right after you broke up, expecting sympathy from me." I guess I was just hoping for a reaction from him confirming that she does have problems, because he had denied it earlier.

Now, I don't know that he sent her that text, but I am worried he did because she read my short reply right after and didn't read my next one. I wouldn't think they would be talking, because I imagine she blocked him too, but its a possibility. Even though her apology was basically blaming me, she still tried to make an effort, and I basically attacked her afterward.

Apparently I still have a lot of unresolved anger over everything. I didn't realize I did until today. Regardless of what she did to me, I should not be lashing out at her like that. I feel this is making me just as bad as her. What I did reminds me of something she would do. I guess this is yet another reason to not talk to each other, but now I am feeling extremely guilty over it. I'm afraid I hurt her, and I am becoming more like her.

[Schermarhorn]

I made a thread asking if sending a message would be a bad idea, and I posted it in the original post.

A lot of people said it was way too harsh, especially to someone with BPD. While it was my intention to make her not want to be with me anymore, I didn't want to outright hurt her. So I decided not to send it.

But after reading over the replies, it made me think of my most recent contact with her.

After she broke up with my replacement and I got her apology and I was ignored. I sent her ex (the replacement) a message saying "I'm glad you got out, she has serious issues. She sent me a message right after you broke up, expecting sympathy from me." I guess I was just hoping for a reaction from him confirming that she does have problems, because he had denied it earlier.

Now, I don't know that he sent her that text, but I am worried he did because she read my short reply right after and didn't read my next one. I wouldn't think they would be talking, because I imagine she blocked him too, but its a possibility. Even though her apology was basically blaming me, she still tried to make an effort, and I basically attacked her afterward.

Apparently I still have a lot of unresolved anger over everything. I didn't realize I did until today. Regardless of what she did to me, I should not be lashing out at her like that. I feel this is making me just as bad as her. What I did reminds me of something she would do. I guess this is yet another reason to not talk to each other, but now I am feeling extremely guilty over it. I'm afraid I hurt her, and I am becoming more like her.

[Turkish]

I saw something a senior member said... .loosely paraphrasing, that a lot of us may not realize how we hurt out pwBPD as well.

That's intentionally in some cases, but also unintentionally in most,.in my opinion, because we just didn't know.

I know my Ex very well, to the core. I only knew her that well by how she detached from me.  I could lay waste to her ego, the queen, or narcissistic tendencies being a thin veneer, but what would that get me but more attachment? It might feel good for a moment, but what would it get me in the long term? What would it get me. The focus needs to be on me, not my ex.

[Lostone1314]

i dont want her to know im still busted up over her infidelity and my discard so NC is way to go... and im guessing since she wants it this way that she may feel some shame over what she did or the sight of me repulses her because it reminds her of what she did... NC 13months and going

[sas1729]

Hey nonya,

It happened - you reached out. But you can learn from this. In the end I think Turkish is right here. Focus on yourself. Whatever transpired between your replacement and your ex is independent of your own hurt and anger.

There is really nothing to be gained by inquiring from either party. The lingering hurt and anger is precisely because we so rarely get closure from these relationships. It takes time to heal without that outlet, but I believe that reaching out only triggers us.

As trite as it sounds there is a bright future ahead for all of us. Everyone who has gone through the the mud and storm of this kind of relationship can emerge stronger once we heal. I am a huge proponent of NC - NC with all parties involved (so replacements included). These relationships seem to be a machine that is ravenous for any emotion from us. So don't feed it.